A Terse, Disappointed Review of DC’s new Green Arrow #1

This week, RobieRobTown takes on yet another of the New 52 in the DC Universe! What will he say? Find out below!

Some Queen shoots his quiverload at some sweaty dudes in a French dance club.

Then they all talk some.

Also, there is a boat on the wall, I think.

Rating: How did this comic give me hookworms? No stars.

It started like any other day in Metropolis. People were commuting to work, going about their daily lives, being blase about an invulnerable man who can fly, numb from the number of times their city had been threatened by giant somethings from space. When suddenly a giant tear in the fabric of the universe! Very few even looked up from their coffee, a pervasive “Ehhh…whatever, Superman will take care of it” attitude having taken hold of a populace weary of wonders.

When the giant saucer arrived, there were some perfunctory screams… you know, for the sake of form. When the giant infant piloting the craft began his drooling destruction of the city, The Mayor shrugged and made a phone call…

To the Justice league!!!

Superman flies straight in for the direct attack

Big mistake

He is crushed by Giant Baby and his own hubris

“This is worse than Doomsday” he mutters. Meanwhile The citizens of Metropolis gather around water oolers to discuss Metropolis Idol

The Man of Steel is down for the count

Next up, the Green Lantern takes his shot

Too much yellow matter in the diaper… the ring is Useless!

Neither willpower nor box office can save him now

He has been been “Paralaxed”

Off goes the Flash!

He attempts to create a vortex to send the infant back where it came from

But he gets too close!

Not fast enough Flash!

Your ass has been rebooted.

Here comes Wonder Wom…oh. Crap.

Invisable Jet Down!!!

No amount of Yoga is going to make that not hurt.

and with one swift motion…

He does to her what ABC did to her new TV show.

But wait…look behind you Giant Infant!!!

Batman’s well placed distraction is working!!! The trap is about to be sprung!

Batman lands the drop kick…the baby is furious!!!

But Batman has no powers…

and an angry baby is worse than ten angry Bane’s

Knightfall!

“You are next Avengers!!!!” he screams

“Do you Hear me? YOU ARE NEXT!!!!”

“Spider senses tingling…oh shit!”

Damn right!

Tbinns Junior is Victorious. Metropolis is destroyed. Part of them are relieved. Stay tuned…coming soon, Tbinns Junior takes on…THE AVENGERS!

Good news Correctness Fans!

While our American friends are busy watching the same 45 seconds of footage of a bloody mattress in Pakistan tonight, I am dedicating myself to bring you live Canadian election coverage. I’m ready, I bought a bunch of snacks n’ shit. You can get all of your news right here at the TheCorrectness.com. I assure you, great pains will be taken to be as accurate as I always am. I am legendarily accurate. Lots of people know me as the accurate source of the Green Lantern origin story, and now you can all get to know me as a trusted news source. A lot of you followed my gripping updates on Valentine’s Day, and I can only hope to keep you just as engaged as I did then…

I will update as polling information comes directly to my office, which has access to this information because I applied to Elections Canada as a news agency. They turned me down, but I get cable, and I am probably just going to use my Marvel cards to gather important personal data. And I might stop the coverage to watch Doctor Who for a while.

4:22 Mountain Daylight Time:

I am declaring a winner. Batman. It doesn’t matter whether or not I think Batman deserves to win, we all have to admit that he is popular, and has a grassroots voter base. If I were an election scrutineer of some kind, I would look into Wayne Enterprises and see how the Batman campaign is being funded.

4:26 The news lady is asking if Canadians are ready for minority government again. This is a stupid question, because almost everywhere in the world with a party-based government system has had minority governments. Some example include, uh, Sweden, I guess, and, uh, R’Lyeh.

I cast my vote before lunch, and I wish I’d held off because it was probably a good place to meet girls.

The incumbent in my riding is a conservative guy. He’s apparently a nice guy. I voted for someone else anyway. Here he is on a horse:

That’s not meant to be a commentary, most people from my neck of the woods have photos of themselves on horses. Anyway, like I said, he’s the well supported incumbent, and I doubt my vote will make him lose his job.

4:41 LIke hell I will watch American Idol ever again. Why is America so excited about failure? Also, the polls aren’t closed yet, so I’m just sort of venting here…

4:47: Oh my merciful Christ, I have always been embarrassed of the “youth” who are supposed to represent me on the news. Where do they dig up these weirdos? Do people who watch the news really wonder what “the young folk” are thinking? Are there no young folks who watch the news? Are the young people all watching American Idol?

5:04 Just a little Bin Laden break here: I notice that they always find the bad guys in compounds. I have a suggestion: Why not just skip over the houses and apartments in future, and only check the compounds?

5:07 Is “Button-Holing” a cute euphemism for anal sex?

5:10: Is the whole CBC Calgary staff attractive women? I’m looking at you, Alana Cole, but there are others… Smart girls are so awesome.

5:35 Polls have closed on the east coast, but I actually won’t be able to get results yet, because of Canadian legislation introduced to reduce western voter apathy. Also, I guess I can’t technically post results here until 8pm local, so that polls are closed on the west coast. That’s okay, I have already called it for Batman.

7:07: The polls close in about 20 minutes, which means I still have time to order a pizza. You can follow my detailed criticism of the moment to moment results here:

http://twitter.com/#!/robbierobtown

7:14: Okay, I’ve changed into my Steve Jobs mock-turtleneck. What the hell does a turtleneck think it is to mock anyone?

7:18: My friend @RogerKinkade is the guy who is following social media on local TV here. It’s weird knowing that I could get in touch with the media with my hilarious “jokes”.

7:20 Global TV has this digital House of Commons, and it is creepy as fuck. I feel like I took the blue pill.

7:22 Is CBC using the election preshow to promote new shows? THEY ARE! Wow, our national broadcaster might as well just set up a blog and talk about what happened at Junior High today.

7:32 Where the hell is the riding of Madawaska-Restigouche? New Brunswick. I”m going to start saying “restigouche” frequently.

7:45 With 1% of polls reporting, Global has called the government and the official opposition. With 1% of polls reporting, girls love me.

7:57: Dennis Nedry from Jurassic Park is scheming on Global local right now.

8:10: Steinke is kind of a funny last name.

8:31 I am distressed by the idea of a Conservative majority. I like minority governments. I like minorities! Do you hear me? I like minorities!

8:41: Is someone rewinding an analogue tape of Revolution 9 right now? Who’s doing the switching on this broadcast?

9:03: Okay, Well, it looks like our Prime Minister is still the Prime Minister, and now he has his fancy majority. Here are some facts about him: Stephen Harper was once considered to be the most powerful of the Green Lantern Corps. As time has passed, Stephen Harper allied himself with Parallax, and now represents the power of fear.

9:11: For our American fans, a big thing has happened in Quebec. There used to be a blah blah blah, and blah blah blah Bloc Quebecois, blah blah, and that is part of the reason that Titanic was not able to announce it was the most popular film in North America. Actually, that’s a true story- Titanic was #1 all over North America, except in Quebec, where the number 1 film was “Le Boys 2″, a sequel about a rag-tag hockey team. Quebec has always gone it’s own way, but the removal of a separatist threat means that the impossibly beautiful French girls in Montreal are going to remain aloof and unavailable to anglos like me. Mmmmm, Montreal girls…

9:17: A lot of porn stars are from Montreal… I’ve heard… a friend told me…

9:29: People keep talking about parties “going down.” HA! I’d attend that party!

9:29:30: Wait, I mean, I’d attend if the party was going down on me, not if I was joining the- screw it, i’d attend, I’m very lonely.

9:37: Hey, Global TV, who dropped your camera before the Saskatoon broadcast? The back-focus is so off it’s art.

9:44: Incumbent handily wins riding: Filthiest election euphemism ever!

9:53: 3 way splits!

10:10: We also have elected a Green Party Candidate, who I will not make a Green Lantern joke about.

10:25: Okay, fuck this, I’m going to bed. And by “bed”, I mean “visiting friends from Montreal online”. Bed in 6 minutes…

10:27: Sorry, CBC, are we seriously talking about what kind of speech the official leader of the opposition should make? We are discussing the hypothetical content of a speech.

10:28: Oh, and apparently the NDP had a lot of teachers running for their party. Good news for me, teaching jobs are impossible to find in Canada right now.

11:09: Jesus H Christ, would you look at all the balding white men at the Conservative headquarters! There is less hair in that room than something metaphor something!

Hello Correctoids.

As you know, I maintain my own twitter feed, @RobbieRobTown, on which I occasionally tweet thoughts of tremendous importance. However, one such incident resulted in an inexplicable hack of my account… I think… Allow me to explain.

I tweeted the following:

“In Green Lantern Rebirth, they chase Parallelogram back into that big lantern on Oprah. Does that mean they have to fear The Colour Purple?”

And very suddenly I gained 7 followers. LADY FOLLOWERS. Was it because I mentioned Oprah? Was it because we have so many regular visitors that every human on earth knows about my comic misunderstanding of all things Green Lantern? Are there that many girl-type comic book nerds out there who love Oprah crossover jokes? If so, I am reading everything Green Lantern, and getting shares in OWN.

Here is how I came to suspect that something was awry. This is a list of the names of these ladies from the notification email about being followed.

Lilia Sagan
Loida Winnegan
Loma Hoivik
Loris Treadway
Lorita Holladay
Lorita Hadfield
Lorri Beaudette

I was being sequentially added and followed by The Alphabetical Ladies. Worse yet, I was being followed alphabetically by first name. It is a commonly known fact that alphabetical ordering by first name instead of last is what caused the World War I. Ben Folds is in two places in my CD collection. The Ben Folds Five are under B, because that is the band name, and music by the solo artist Ben Folds is under F, because that is his last name, you chimps, and don’t try and confuse things by doing otherwise, HMV!

I have no idea if any of these ladies are real (some had photos, some did not), and since that fateful tweet 4 of them have retracted their friendship. Not enough talk about Oprah?

If this was a weird hack of some kind with fictional ladies (I distrust fictional internet ladies immensely), to what end did they follow me? So I would follow them back?

Perhaps it was to generate hits on the fictional ladies favourite websites. For a short while one “Heidi Klum” was following me because I said the following:

“God as my witness, I don’t think Heidi Klum should be in charge of a show that discovers funny children. #comedyisntpretty”

Upon inspection, I didn’t think it was actually Heidi Klum… Unless Heidi Klum has a self deprecating sense of humour, and “talks” entirely about enetertainment news whilst completely failing the Turing Test… Perhaps because of her cold German heart. She probably alphabetizes by first name.

In any case, Alphabetical Ladies, If you are real, I’m sorry, and if you are a marketing scheme, you have utterly failed to sell me a product.

Sincerely,
RobbieRobTown

So, we asked you to tell us which Comic Book movie of 2010 you liked the best. As we prepared the list, it became pretty clear that 2010 was a crappy year for comic book movies. Possibly the studios were busy reloading for 2011, with it’s Green Lantern, Thor, Captain America, X-Men First Class and Transformers 3, not to mention Cowboys and Aliens. Also, possibly Conan, Deadpool, Ghost Rider Men in Black, and Sin City.

So, on to the results.

5) Jonah Hex

This one had a pretty strong smell coming off of it, such that I, like most people, didn’t bother going to see it. Grumpy cowboys with bad facial scarring, John Malkovich chewing up the scenery, combined with Megan Fox is more than enough reason to avoid such a film. It scored a whopping 13% on Rotten Tomatoes.

4) RED

Warren Ellis wrote the comic books this movie was based on, and RED was well received, if a bit underwhelming. It did pretty well at the box office, as people seem to like the idea of Helen Mirren locking and loading. Also, John Malkovich was in this one as well, karmically balancing the scale for Jonah Hex.

3) Kick-Ass

Kick-Ass was a bit of a flop at the box office, but critics and fans seemed to enjoy it. Personally, I think it suffered from a pretty bland lead character, and a lack of John Malkovich. On the plus side, Nicholas Cage’s performance is pretty enjoyable, and there’s no end of punching and stabbing. Some controversy developed surrounding the idea of a young tween girl trained to kill in some pretty graphic ways. Feel free to re-open that debate below.

2) Iron Man 2

Iron Man 2 made over $300 million, and was well-received. For me, it was okay at best. Much like Superman Returns, it was enjoyable while watching, but the further away from it I got, the less fond of it I became. Like the first Iron Man film, it doesn’t strike me as a film that I would re-watch. If only Mickey Rourke’s character was replaced by someone whose name rhymes with Spalkovich. Read our original review of the film here.

1) Scott Pilgrim vs the World

You chose Scott Pilgrim as your favorite comic book movie of the year. You’re very wise people. It took me a long while to get on the Scott Pilgrim train, but I’m on, and it’s awesome. Both the movie, directed by Edgar Wright, and it’s source comic by Brian Lee O’Malley are a credit to their respective medium. The movie stays true to its roots, bringing the story to life, while adding some interesting visual flourishes that only film could supply.

The movie didn’t do well at the box office, but when you open against The Expendables (which takes up most of the male testosterone crowd) and Eat,Pray,Love (which takes up most of the estrogen club), that’s likely to happen. It could have used a bit more Malkovich. I haven’t met anyone who didn’t like the movie, though most people probably haven’t seen it. Their loss.

Scott Pilgrim vs The World is a very likable film. It’s completely committed to its style and panache. Put your Michael Cera weariness aside and give it a shot. You won’t be sorry. Hell, take a leap of faith, click on that picture up there and buy a copy.

I have a strong suspicion that our resident Scott Pilgrim worshipper, RobbieRobTown will be chiming in here, so I’ll leave it to him to close this out.

The “I’m” poll revealed more about you than you wanted revealed. Oh, I know, you thought you were just casually clicking on a little radio button, but it was SOOOOO much more than that.

We know, for instance, for all your talk of how Frank Miller has gone off the rails, or how his work is decreasing in quality, we know that secretly, you crave MORE Frank Miller, that you long for a new issue of All Star Batman and Robin.

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Overwhelmingly, you voiced your true identity in the most fierce way available. You didn’t let it slip during a dinner party, didn’t mention it to Nicole Kidman, and Alfred didn’t blow the whole thing by letting the girl of the week in to the ‘cave.

No my friend, you are the God-Damned Batman, and if you want to bang Black Canary, or kidnap Robin and let him beat the crap out of Hal Jordan, you’ll God-Damned well do it.

Here at The Correctness SportsishNetwerkkz, we offer our be-all-end-all absolutely correct answers on which supervillains would win in a fight. Lex Luthor has bankrolled the competition.Which of the 8 will come out on top? The playoffs continue this week in the Pengrowth Deathdrome. It’s brutal, ugly, violent, and soul rending…and that’s just the comment section!!!

The Rules, and the Bracket were laid out in advance, in this post. Two days of prep, battle is held in the stadium, and it’s to the death. Game on.

THIS WEEK: Sinestro vs Magneto. For our purposes, Sinestro has yet to become some weird White Lantern, and Magneto is his normal self, but speaks in Ian McKellan’s voice, cuz that’s pretty badass.

DAVE:

When I considered this battle in my head, there was no possible way that the winner could be anyone but Sinestro. He has one of them there power rings, and they can do pretty much anything. In fact, as Yellow Lanterns use Fear as a weapon, I had constructed a scenario in which Sinestro uses Magneto’s memories of the concentration camps, in addition to Magneto’s fear of becoming irrelevant within the mutant community. This results in an easy win for Sinestro.

But then I started thinking about Magneto. In addition to being able to control magnetic fields, and therefore anything with metallic content, he can also create an almost impenetrable field around himself, and (this is becoming a weekly thing, where I educate our readers) can create a wormhole. Really Marvel? A wormhole. And yet, people can’t stop babbling about how overpowered DC is, Marvel has every single character all healing factored up, and able to create wormholes.

So, here it is. Sinestro attacks, Magneto shells up. Sinestro continues to attack, using fear and giant yellow hammers. Magneto uses various parts of the stadium to bounce off of Sinestro’s sheild. This goes on for a while. Magneto figures out the frequency of the Yellow Ring’s power, and dissipates it for a moment, and grabs the iron content in Sinestro’s blood, draining him instantly. Or (for those of you who claim his alien blood is non-ferrous, he bounces an i-beam off Sinestro’s head.) A third option is to dissolve the electromagnetic force holding Sinestro’s protons to his electrons (Really Marvel?).

Any way we slice this thing, a fancy power ring can’t beat almost 50 years of retconning.

Winnner: Magneto

Tony

Ugh. This one makes my head hurt.

There are so many “Ifs” in play here that as of right now, I have no idea who my choice is going to be.

Let’s just count the ways this can go together, shall we?

IF Sinestro’s ring is in the least bit ferrous, Magneto immediately crushes it, along with Sinestro’s finger. Much wailing and gnashing of teeth follows. Magneto makes fun of the size of his head.

Winner :Magneto.

IF it is not ferrous in any way, Sinestro can easily get the drop on Magneto. It takes awhile to bring a building down on someone, or at least it takes more time than it takes to point your fist at someone and think about crushing them with the power of a nice festive Easter yellow.

Winner: Sinestro

IF Sinestro’s power is in fact a MENTAL power, and I think it can be argued that it is, seeing as how it is fueled by a mental state of being…would Magneto’s helmet protect him from said power? IF yes, than Sinestro is once again screwed.

Winner: Magneto

IF Sinestro’s power is in fact just a manipulation of the light spectrum, and not based on a mental attack, then there is NOTHING Magneto can do to stop it. He has shields to block many kinds of attacks, but to actually stop LIGHT from getting in? I don’t think so.

Winner : Sinestro

IF Magneto is in fact the master of all metal, as he’s sometimes known, it wouldn’t matter if the ring was ferrous or not. Some of my research claims Magneto has dominion over every single metal in the known universe. Scenario one happens, crushed finger. Or he just pulls the ring right off Sinestro’s finger. You want to generate some fear? Give a power ring to Magneto and watch the audience shit itself.

Winner Magneto

IF the ring runs on fear, all Sinestro has to do it throw a fright into the crowd, and he will have a TON of energy to run off of. Possibly enough to overcome ANYTHING Magneto can throw at him…

Winner: Sinestro

IF the ring recharges by battling the green spectrum, all Magneto has to do is go on the offensive and wait him out. Magneto can throw a lot of shit his way to keep Sinestro trying to save his own ass until he runs out of juice, then moves in for the kill.

Winner Magneto

Apparently both of these guys have been known to GO BACK IN TIME. IF they chase each other through the ages trying to find the other guy in the crib and kill him, only to be foiled by the other guy and forced to go back even further to kill off a relative. Sinestro gets the drop on Magneto, when Erik takes a quick break from the battle to try and kill Hitler. I guess. No,not really.

Winner: I haven’t got a fucking clue.

So you see the dilemma I’m in here. This is predicated on a whole lot of very debatable “ifs”

So here is what I’m going to do. I’m going to pause and count the scenarios up there and see who ends up winning more….Apparently Magneto does 4-3.

I’m going to take a deep breath then and give this one to Magneto. However this is SO close that if anybody can present me with a good argument for Sinestro, I’m fully prepared to flip flop on this.

Winner: Magneto

ROB:

Ahh, okay nerds. Out of my depth. Fortunately, I trust my fellow Correctness pals to bury my opinion at the bottom of the article. If for any reason my article remains near the top, you can be sure it is because Dave or Tony didn’t read my post.

Those of you who read our Superhero Smackdowns might recall an incident in which, because of my limited expertise, I went on, what I felt at the time was, a long comic ramble. Many of you fine people then accused me of betraying the only series of articles which drew hits to our website. Many of you accused me of “phoning it in”. Some of you said that my comments were purposeless and largely antithetical to the concepts of comedy in general. Far be it from me to get defensive because we run a comedy blog, and we simply do not claim to be expert, and that the purpose of these smackdowns is to foster an amusing debate, and not to be some kind of authoritative canonical resource for you to rely on during your post and then pre masturbatory refractory period.

Here are some facts, which in case you did not read the above paragraph, you cannot dispute because they are absolutely inarguably correct. Both Sinestro and Magneto both have the all powerful “o” at the end of their names. Any supervillain with an “o” at the end of their names is extremely powerful. Just think of the long list of villains with end-in-o powers:

Sinestro

Magneto

Electro

Apocalypto

That’s quite a list, and considering one of the supervillains mentioned above is actually a Mel Gibson film, that’s all the more reason to agree with me.

Magneto is magnetic, and can do impressive magnetic stuff with metals, I guess, except for some metals, assuming he is ferromagnetic. Similarly, Sinestro is sinister, and controls sinister stuff, like ferrets and ice cream mini-truck drivers, assuming he is ferretmagnetic.

The supply of sinister stuff to hurl through the air is entirely dependent on the environment Sinestro is battling in- in an arena full of supervillain fans, I’m sure he could probably find a metric tonne of moustachioed weirdos who he could manipulate using sinestric fields. Magneto, on the other hand, as long as he is not antiferromagnetic, could probably rip the seats out of the stadium- well, the expansion seats, not the concrete boxes- but the rebar in the concrete boxes, and smash them into Sinestro.

Now, as you know, Sinestro got his powers when he was bitten by a radioactive lantern, and this is relevant because I goddamnwell say so, and I all I have is this blog, ALL I HAVE ON THIS FUCKING EARTH IS THIS GODDAMN COMEDY BLOG, AND THIS IS ALL I HAVE TO LOOK FORWARD TO, AND I AM SO FULL OF FASHIONABLE SELF LOATHING THAT I HATE WRITING HERE, so Sinestro might use his awesome powers to float fat guys and ferrets into Magneto. Magneto would fly some lipstick tubes and passenger trains into Sinestro. In a climactic Akira-esque battle in which blobs of flesh and metal and fur fly hither and yon, the eventual winner would be Magneto, because his hat is cooler.

Please send me your hatred.

Winnner: Magneto

Call us names below!

Dear Local Restaurant/Lounge:

I drove past your street sign the other day, its flourescent letters still arranged in their original message- a tantalizing offering to the urban teens with time to spare. How many words contain the necessary letters for “Ass Rods on Your Nuts”, I wonder? In any case, your sign, confoundingly, said the following:

“We have one of the best burgers in town!”

Where do I begin?

If you had simply claimed to have THE BEST burgerS in town, I would have understood you were attempting to promote your burger(s), which, subjectively, and according to no system of scientific standards that I am aware of, is (are) very tasty. No need to qualify your opinion by saying that you have, though not in a legally binding way, a competitively delicious burger. It’s an ad, I get it. In fact if the advertisement had said “we have the best burgers in the goddamn universe”, I would have still understood your signage , no matter how much hyperbole you chose to employ.

But, you did not say “we have the best burgers in town.” You said “We have one of the best burgers in town”.

Did you simply craft, in a perfect moment, one of the best burgers in town? If so, well done (no pun intended), but how long will your single masterwork burger be the best one? I’m going to hazard a guess that after about 30 minutes, I can get a hotter, more fresh burger at the A&W.

Did you go to another restaurant, and procure JUST ONE of the burgers from the best restaurant in town, and you wanted me to know that? As in “We have ONE of the best burgers in town.” ? Are you going to put this burger in the mix? Might I receive this burger instead of one of your own? Again, I bring up the shelf-life issue. And if it is from a fast food joint, I bring up the half-life issue. Eating fast food burgers is how people get bitten by radioactive lanterns and become Sinestro.

Or, did you want to threaten me? Did you take a burger hostage, and do you have a forthcoming list of demands? “We HAVE one of the best burgers in town, and if you don’t release the secrets of the burger, we will kill one Guatemalan immigrant every half hour. Bring mustard.”

Do you have no confidence in your burgers? Man up! Grow three extra dicks and scream it loud: “I have the best burgers and town, and shit yeah motherfucker, I have something to confess: I have four dicks!”

Oh, Local Restaurant/Lounge, high school is for everyone, and education is virtually free. Learn words or grow additional wangs.

Sincerely, RobbieRobTown.

(Note: This is a repost of the original).

So now that the power lanterns of the DC Universe has opened up to various other colors and various other states of being, the it would be remiss of the Correctness not to mention a few other Lanterns that you could see appearing soon!

You are welcome.

Pink Lantern: Utilizes the power of nausea heartburn, indigestion, upset stomach and diarrhea. The latter being a cross over with the Brown Lantern. On the plus side, the Pink Lantern is a shining symbol for breast cancer awareness.

Beige Lantern: Harnesses the power of mediocrity. Likes: Nickleback, Sandra Bullock Movies,Everybody Loves Raymond, and Three and a Half Men. Dislikes: Being mistaken for the Khaki Lantern

Grey Lantern: Retired. Uses his power ring to get kids off his lawn. Very excited that Jay Leno will be back, and that his son Patrick got life insurance.

White Lantern: Thinks there are too many other colored Lanterns getting into the country and getting jobs while his cousin the Off-White Lantern is still on a waiting list. Uses his ring to exert dominance and get paid more than any of the other Lanterns. Weaknesses: he can neither jump nor dance.

Purple Lantern: Powered by the Color Purple. The movie, not the actual color. Got his ring passed down to him by the alien known as Prince after Under The Cherry Moon crash landed on Earth. Uses the ring to give the deadliest nurples known to mankind.

And remember kids, using your Black Lantern ring to make your velvet poster look way cool is dangerous as it may revive and zombify any beloved pets buried in the back yard.

NO!! TIMMY!! WAIT COME BACK!! DIDN’T YOU READ PET SEMETARY?! NO DON’T DO…oh God.

Superhero Smackdown!
Friday Night Fight!
Here at The Correctness SportsishNetwerkkz, we offer our be-all-end-all absolutely correct answers on which superheroes would win in a fight. Marvel? DC? Watchmen as distributed by DC? Spongebob Squarepants? It’s a 16 superhero smackdown to find one final winner! The playoffs continue this week in the Pengrowth Deathdrome

Green Lantern vs. Spider-Man

Rob: Well, I’m going to weigh in here ignorant. I never read the Green Lantern, and I used to be a total Marvel guy- except that I didn’t realy “get” the X-men, so, when I say “Marvel Guy” I mean “Spider-Man”. Spidey has a lot going for him. His spider sense warns him of imminent danger, and he can stick to stuff. Lest we forget, that he can swing from webs, any size, and he catches theives, just like flies. In fact, in the chill of night, at the scene of the crime, like a streak of light, he arrives just in time.  How many times have you said to yourself- “Man, that streak of light arrived just in time, fast things are very much like streaks of light, for all fast things are timely.”? Lots of times, probably.

Second of all, willpower isn’t much of a power. I mean, Hal Jordan, Susan Powter, you guys tell me the difference. One can make green hammers with his ring, and the other is a motivational fitness expert from the early nineties. Same same.

Maybe I’m being unfair on the Green Lantern because I don’t get how anyone who gets bitten by a radioactive lantern could become a superhero. I mean, that has to be the shittiest origin story ever told, and I remind you that I wrote and created the “Human Man” show, so, I know a thing or two about shitty origin stories. Nonetheless, if I had to be bitten by something radioactive, it would be a spider, or a fuckin’ shark, but not a green lantern, that’s totally retarded.

While I’m on the subject, i would love to be bitten by a radioactive shark, that would be the fucking coolest. It’s a fucking shark, people, a radioactive underwater death merchant with no fear. It’s like Daredevil, only good, and not stupid and totally hopeless in a fight against The Flash. Then, as Shark man, I would wreak havoc on the denizens of port cities, and I would eat the fuck out of Aquaman. Oh, and I don’t want Alan Moore anywhere near the writing, I want to be a purposeless killing machine, not a nuanced child abuse victim.

Anyways, Spidey takes this fight, no sweat.

Dave: Well, Rob should clearly be reading more comics, as he hasn’t discovered that Marvel has been terrible for about a decade now. But, I digress.

On the surface, this would seem to be an unfair match, with Green Lantern wielding the power of the central battery on OA. Hal Jordan was able to overcome death, as well as being the spirit of vengeance, and return to our world. He can create anything his mind can conceive, though apparently his mind only thinks of stuff that is green.

On the Con side: In All Star Batman and Robin, Hal Jordan was almost killed by a combination of a can of paint and a 12 year old. Also, Green Lantern depends on a rechargeable ring for his power, and as anyone who owns anything that needs charging will testify, they have a habit of crapping out on you when you need them both.

Spider-Man has many things going for him in this fight. He has Spidey-Sense, which warns him of impending danger, and allows him to react, and escape from danger. Add to this the whole strength and agility part, and he’s pretty freaking deadly. He tends to hold back in combat, and is capable of going toe-to-toe with the Hulk. With his quick wits and ability to adapt and outlast his opponents, he could easily keep Green Lantern occupied long enough to exhaust his power ring, while cracking wise the entire time.

So, while this fight is much closer than last weeks battle, I would give this fight to the Spectacular Spider-Man.

Tony: It comes down to the following questions:

1. Is Spidey smart enough to go get himself  a yellow suit?

2.Is he capable of getting the ring off of Hal?

3. Did Spider-man 3 suck ass, or what?

The answer to all three questions is yes. But this is no walk over. The Green Lanterns most devastating attack  has always been the power of green vagueness.  Which, for comic book writers, means he’s capable of just about anything, up to and including hitting on Superman at the JLA Christmas party. However, whatever Hal throws at him, Spidey knows it’s coming before it happens and gets out of the way. Eventually Spidey will realize , through a series of thought balloons that go on for far too long, that he needs to separate man from ring,and after some difficulty will probably manage to do so.

SPIDEY: Got to get that ring off of him….

GL: Keep still, you little fuck!

(One complicated plan involving the color yellow, some webbing and a distraction later)

GL: Gimme my ring back!!!

SPIDEY: Not until you teach me to harness it’s power to erase Spider-Man 3 from existence

GL: Fair enough

Definitely a win in the Spidey column

The winner, once again by unanimous decision…Spider-Man!

That’s one for DC, one for Marvel for those keeping count. We are adjusting our brackets slightly, but there should be some swell visuals to follow this  some tome today. In the meantime feel free to disagree, in a cordial fashion below. Or just ready your arguments for next week, as the Man of Iron faces the Man of Steel! Supes takes on Iron Man right here next week, so stay tuned.