Here at The Correctness SportsishNetwerkkz, we offer our be-all-end-all absolutely correct answers on which supervillains would win in a fight. Lex Luthor has bankrolled the competition.Which of the 8 will come out on top? The playoffs continue this week in the Pengrowth Deathdrome. It’s brutal, ugly, violent, and soul rending…and that’s just the comment section!!!

The Rules, and the Bracket were laid out in advance, in this post. Two days of prep, battle is held in the stadium, and it’s to the death. Game on.

THIS WEEK: Sinestro vs Magneto. For our purposes, Sinestro has yet to become some weird White Lantern, and Magneto is his normal self, but speaks in Ian McKellan’s voice, cuz that’s pretty badass.

DAVE:

When I considered this battle in my head, there was no possible way that the winner could be anyone but Sinestro. He has one of them there power rings, and they can do pretty much anything. In fact, as Yellow Lanterns use Fear as a weapon, I had constructed a scenario in which Sinestro uses Magneto’s memories of the concentration camps, in addition to Magneto’s fear of becoming irrelevant within the mutant community. This results in an easy win for Sinestro.

But then I started thinking about Magneto. In addition to being able to control magnetic fields, and therefore anything with metallic content, he can also create an almost impenetrable field around himself, and (this is becoming a weekly thing, where I educate our readers) can create a wormhole. Really Marvel? A wormhole. And yet, people can’t stop babbling about how overpowered DC is, Marvel has every single character all healing factored up, and able to create wormholes.

So, here it is. Sinestro attacks, Magneto shells up. Sinestro continues to attack, using fear and giant yellow hammers. Magneto uses various parts of the stadium to bounce off of Sinestro’s sheild. This goes on for a while. Magneto figures out the frequency of the Yellow Ring’s power, and dissipates it for a moment, and grabs the iron content in Sinestro’s blood, draining him instantly. Or (for those of you who claim his alien blood is non-ferrous, he bounces an i-beam off Sinestro’s head.) A third option is to dissolve the electromagnetic force holding Sinestro’s protons to his electrons (Really Marvel?).

Any way we slice this thing, a fancy power ring can’t beat almost 50 years of retconning.

Winnner: Magneto

Tony

Ugh. This one makes my head hurt.

There are so many “Ifs” in play here that as of right now, I have no idea who my choice is going to be.

Let’s just count the ways this can go together, shall we?

IF Sinestro’s ring is in the least bit ferrous, Magneto immediately crushes it, along with Sinestro’s finger. Much wailing and gnashing of teeth follows. Magneto makes fun of the size of his head.

Winner :Magneto.

IF it is not ferrous in any way, Sinestro can easily get the drop on Magneto. It takes awhile to bring a building down on someone, or at least it takes more time than it takes to point your fist at someone and think about crushing them with the power of a nice festive Easter yellow.

Winner: Sinestro

IF Sinestro’s power is in fact a MENTAL power, and I think it can be argued that it is, seeing as how it is fueled by a mental state of being…would Magneto’s helmet protect him from said power? IF yes, than Sinestro is once again screwed.

Winner: Magneto

IF Sinestro’s power is in fact just a manipulation of the light spectrum, and not based on a mental attack, then there is NOTHING Magneto can do to stop it. He has shields to block many kinds of attacks, but to actually stop LIGHT from getting in? I don’t think so.

Winner : Sinestro

IF Magneto is in fact the master of all metal, as he’s sometimes known, it wouldn’t matter if the ring was ferrous or not. Some of my research claims Magneto has dominion over every single metal in the known universe. Scenario one happens, crushed finger. Or he just pulls the ring right off Sinestro’s finger. You want to generate some fear? Give a power ring to Magneto and watch the audience shit itself.

Winner Magneto

IF the ring runs on fear, all Sinestro has to do it throw a fright into the crowd, and he will have a TON of energy to run off of. Possibly enough to overcome ANYTHING Magneto can throw at him…

Winner: Sinestro

IF the ring recharges by battling the green spectrum, all Magneto has to do is go on the offensive and wait him out. Magneto can throw a lot of shit his way to keep Sinestro trying to save his own ass until he runs out of juice, then moves in for the kill.

Winner Magneto

Apparently both of these guys have been known to GO BACK IN TIME. IF they chase each other through the ages trying to find the other guy in the crib and kill him, only to be foiled by the other guy and forced to go back even further to kill off a relative. Sinestro gets the drop on Magneto, when Erik takes a quick break from the battle to try and kill Hitler. I guess. No,not really.

Winner: I haven’t got a fucking clue.

So you see the dilemma I’m in here. This is predicated on a whole lot of very debatable “ifs”

So here is what I’m going to do. I’m going to pause and count the scenarios up there and see who ends up winning more….Apparently Magneto does 4-3.

I’m going to take a deep breath then and give this one to Magneto. However this is SO close that if anybody can present me with a good argument for Sinestro, I’m fully prepared to flip flop on this.

Winner: Magneto

ROB:

Ahh, okay nerds. Out of my depth. Fortunately, I trust my fellow Correctness pals to bury my opinion at the bottom of the article. If for any reason my article remains near the top, you can be sure it is because Dave or Tony didn’t read my post.

Those of you who read our Superhero Smackdowns might recall an incident in which, because of my limited expertise, I went on, what I felt at the time was, a long comic ramble. Many of you fine people then accused me of betraying the only series of articles which drew hits to our website. Many of you accused me of “phoning it in”. Some of you said that my comments were purposeless and largely antithetical to the concepts of comedy in general. Far be it from me to get defensive because we run a comedy blog, and we simply do not claim to be expert, and that the purpose of these smackdowns is to foster an amusing debate, and not to be some kind of authoritative canonical resource for you to rely on during your post and then pre masturbatory refractory period.

Here are some facts, which in case you did not read the above paragraph, you cannot dispute because they are absolutely inarguably correct. Both Sinestro and Magneto both have the all powerful “o” at the end of their names. Any supervillain with an “o” at the end of their names is extremely powerful. Just think of the long list of villains with end-in-o powers:

Sinestro

Magneto

Electro

Apocalypto

That’s quite a list, and considering one of the supervillains mentioned above is actually a Mel Gibson film, that’s all the more reason to agree with me.

Magneto is magnetic, and can do impressive magnetic stuff with metals, I guess, except for some metals, assuming he is ferromagnetic. Similarly, Sinestro is sinister, and controls sinister stuff, like ferrets and ice cream mini-truck drivers, assuming he is ferretmagnetic.

The supply of sinister stuff to hurl through the air is entirely dependent on the environment Sinestro is battling in- in an arena full of supervillain fans, I’m sure he could probably find a metric tonne of moustachioed weirdos who he could manipulate using sinestric fields. Magneto, on the other hand, as long as he is not antiferromagnetic, could probably rip the seats out of the stadium- well, the expansion seats, not the concrete boxes- but the rebar in the concrete boxes, and smash them into Sinestro.

Now, as you know, Sinestro got his powers when he was bitten by a radioactive lantern, and this is relevant because I goddamnwell say so, and I all I have is this blog, ALL I HAVE ON THIS FUCKING EARTH IS THIS GODDAMN COMEDY BLOG, AND THIS IS ALL I HAVE TO LOOK FORWARD TO, AND I AM SO FULL OF FASHIONABLE SELF LOATHING THAT I HATE WRITING HERE, so Sinestro might use his awesome powers to float fat guys and ferrets into Magneto. Magneto would fly some lipstick tubes and passenger trains into Sinestro. In a climactic Akira-esque battle in which blobs of flesh and metal and fur fly hither and yon, the eventual winner would be Magneto, because his hat is cooler.

Please send me your hatred.

Winnner: Magneto

Call us names below!

Dear Local Restaurant/Lounge:

I drove past your street sign the other day, its flourescent letters still arranged in their original message- a tantalizing offering to the urban teens with time to spare. How many words contain the necessary letters for “Ass Rods on Your Nuts”, I wonder? In any case, your sign, confoundingly, said the following:

“We have one of the best burgers in town!”

Where do I begin?

If you had simply claimed to have THE BEST burgerS in town, I would have understood you were attempting to promote your burger(s), which, subjectively, and according to no system of scientific standards that I am aware of, is (are) very tasty. No need to qualify your opinion by saying that you have, though not in a legally binding way, a competitively delicious burger. It’s an ad, I get it. In fact if the advertisement had said “we have the best burgers in the goddamn universe”, I would have still understood your signage , no matter how much hyperbole you chose to employ.

But, you did not say “we have the best burgers in town.” You said “We have one of the best burgers in town”.

Did you simply craft, in a perfect moment, one of the best burgers in town? If so, well done (no pun intended), but how long will your single masterwork burger be the best one? I’m going to hazard a guess that after about 30 minutes, I can get a hotter, more fresh burger at the A&W.

Did you go to another restaurant, and procure JUST ONE of the burgers from the best restaurant in town, and you wanted me to know that? As in “We have ONE of the best burgers in town.” ? Are you going to put this burger in the mix? Might I receive this burger instead of one of your own? Again, I bring up the shelf-life issue. And if it is from a fast food joint, I bring up the half-life issue. Eating fast food burgers is how people get bitten by radioactive lanterns and become Sinestro.

Or, did you want to threaten me? Did you take a burger hostage, and do you have a forthcoming list of demands? “We HAVE one of the best burgers in town, and if you don’t release the secrets of the burger, we will kill one Guatemalan immigrant every half hour. Bring mustard.”

Do you have no confidence in your burgers? Man up! Grow three extra dicks and scream it loud: “I have the best burgers and town, and shit yeah motherfucker, I have something to confess: I have four dicks!”

Oh, Local Restaurant/Lounge, high school is for everyone, and education is virtually free. Learn words or grow additional wangs.

Sincerely, RobbieRobTown.

(Note: This is a repost of the original).

So now that the power lanterns of the DC Universe has opened up to various other colors and various other states of being, the it would be remiss of the Correctness not to mention a few other Lanterns that you could see appearing soon!

You are welcome.

Pink Lantern: Utilizes the power of nausea heartburn, indigestion, upset stomach and diarrhea. The latter being a cross over with the Brown Lantern. On the plus side, the Pink Lantern is a shining symbol for breast cancer awareness.

Beige Lantern: Harnesses the power of mediocrity. Likes: Nickleback, Sandra Bullock Movies,Everybody Loves Raymond, and Three and a Half Men. Dislikes: Being mistaken for the Khaki Lantern

Grey Lantern: Retired. Uses his power ring to get kids off his lawn. Very excited that Jay Leno will be back, and that his son Patrick got life insurance.

White Lantern: Thinks there are too many other colored Lanterns getting into the country and getting jobs while his cousin the Off-White Lantern is still on a waiting list. Uses his ring to exert dominance and get paid more than any of the other Lanterns. Weaknesses: he can neither jump nor dance.

Purple Lantern: Powered by the Color Purple. The movie, not the actual color. Got his ring passed down to him by the alien known as Prince after Under The Cherry Moon crash landed on Earth. Uses the ring to give the deadliest nurples known to mankind.

And remember kids, using your Black Lantern ring to make your velvet poster look way cool is dangerous as it may revive and zombify any beloved pets buried in the back yard.

NO!! TIMMY!! WAIT COME BACK!! DIDN’T YOU READ PET SEMETARY?! NO DON’T DO…oh God.

Superhero Smackdown!
Friday Night Fight!
Here at The Correctness SportsishNetwerkkz, we offer our be-all-end-all absolutely correct answers on which superheroes would win in a fight. Marvel? DC? Watchmen as distributed by DC? Spongebob Squarepants? It’s a 16 superhero smackdown to find one final winner! The playoffs continue this week in the Pengrowth Deathdrome

Green Lantern vs. Spider-Man

Rob: Well, I’m going to weigh in here ignorant. I never read the Green Lantern, and I used to be a total Marvel guy- except that I didn’t realy “get” the X-men, so, when I say “Marvel Guy” I mean “Spider-Man”. Spidey has a lot going for him. His spider sense warns him of imminent danger, and he can stick to stuff. Lest we forget, that he can swing from webs, any size, and he catches theives, just like flies. In fact, in the chill of night, at the scene of the crime, like a streak of light, he arrives just in time.  How many times have you said to yourself- “Man, that streak of light arrived just in time, fast things are very much like streaks of light, for all fast things are timely.”? Lots of times, probably.

Second of all, willpower isn’t much of a power. I mean, Hal Jordan, Susan Powter, you guys tell me the difference. One can make green hammers with his ring, and the other is a motivational fitness expert from the early nineties. Same same.

Maybe I’m being unfair on the Green Lantern because I don’t get how anyone who gets bitten by a radioactive lantern could become a superhero. I mean, that has to be the shittiest origin story ever told, and I remind you that I wrote and created the “Human Man” show, so, I know a thing or two about shitty origin stories. Nonetheless, if I had to be bitten by something radioactive, it would be a spider, or a fuckin’ shark, but not a green lantern, that’s totally retarded.

While I’m on the subject, i would love to be bitten by a radioactive shark, that would be the fucking coolest. It’s a fucking shark, people, a radioactive underwater death merchant with no fear. It’s like Daredevil, only good, and not stupid and totally hopeless in a fight against The Flash. Then, as Shark man, I would wreak havoc on the denizens of port cities, and I would eat the fuck out of Aquaman. Oh, and I don’t want Alan Moore anywhere near the writing, I want to be a purposeless killing machine, not a nuanced child abuse victim.

Anyways, Spidey takes this fight, no sweat.

Dave: Well, Rob should clearly be reading more comics, as he hasn’t discovered that Marvel has been terrible for about a decade now. But, I digress.

On the surface, this would seem to be an unfair match, with Green Lantern wielding the power of the central battery on OA. Hal Jordan was able to overcome death, as well as being the spirit of vengeance, and return to our world. He can create anything his mind can conceive, though apparently his mind only thinks of stuff that is green.

On the Con side: In All Star Batman and Robin, Hal Jordan was almost killed by a combination of a can of paint and a 12 year old. Also, Green Lantern depends on a rechargeable ring for his power, and as anyone who owns anything that needs charging will testify, they have a habit of crapping out on you when you need them both.

Spider-Man has many things going for him in this fight. He has Spidey-Sense, which warns him of impending danger, and allows him to react, and escape from danger. Add to this the whole strength and agility part, and he’s pretty freaking deadly. He tends to hold back in combat, and is capable of going toe-to-toe with the Hulk. With his quick wits and ability to adapt and outlast his opponents, he could easily keep Green Lantern occupied long enough to exhaust his power ring, while cracking wise the entire time.

So, while this fight is much closer than last weeks battle, I would give this fight to the Spectacular Spider-Man.

Tony: It comes down to the following questions:

1. Is Spidey smart enough to go get himself  a yellow suit?

2.Is he capable of getting the ring off of Hal?

3. Did Spider-man 3 suck ass, or what?

The answer to all three questions is yes. But this is no walk over. The Green Lanterns most devastating attack  has always been the power of green vagueness.  Which, for comic book writers, means he’s capable of just about anything, up to and including hitting on Superman at the JLA Christmas party. However, whatever Hal throws at him, Spidey knows it’s coming before it happens and gets out of the way. Eventually Spidey will realize , through a series of thought balloons that go on for far too long, that he needs to separate man from ring,and after some difficulty will probably manage to do so.

SPIDEY: Got to get that ring off of him….

GL: Keep still, you little fuck!

(One complicated plan involving the color yellow, some webbing and a distraction later)

GL: Gimme my ring back!!!

SPIDEY: Not until you teach me to harness it’s power to erase Spider-Man 3 from existence

GL: Fair enough

Definitely a win in the Spidey column

The winner, once again by unanimous decision…Spider-Man!

That’s one for DC, one for Marvel for those keeping count. We are adjusting our brackets slightly, but there should be some swell visuals to follow this  some tome today. In the meantime feel free to disagree, in a cordial fashion below. Or just ready your arguments for next week, as the Man of Iron faces the Man of Steel! Supes takes on Iron Man right here next week, so stay tuned.

Evidently, today is the release date of issue #2 of Blackest Night. It’s a Green Lantern comic that posits the idea that there are several color spectrum “Lanterns” each representing a different emotion or state of being, like some rainbow colored improv game. Green=Will Power, Yellow = Fear, Red=Anger, Orange =Avarice , Blue = Hope , Black =Death and Violet = Love. The Correctness feels the following exchange is inevitable in an upcoming issue.

(All the Lanterns gather around a table. In the centre is a delicious Crave Cupcake)

GREEN LANTERN: I’ll pass on that, I’ve had too many sweets today.

VIOLET LANTERN: Oooooh I LOVE Cupcakes

ORANGE LANTERN: No! It’s MINE! It’s mine and I’m not sharing. In fact, every single cupcake in the whole universe is mine!!!

BLUE LANTERN: Maybe they’ll all fight to the death, then the cupcake would be mine!

YELLOW LANTERN: Do you know how many calories are in that thing? The icing alone is twice your allotted fat per day count. You’ll end up fat and alone in sweatpants..then RICHARD SIMMONS will come to your house…man that many calories….

BLACK LANTERN: Will kill you.

RED LANTERN: FUCK YOU! !!!!!I’LL EAT WHATEVER THE FUCK I WANT!!!

Great.

Now the Correctness wants cupcakes.