Memo from: God Almighty

To: Harold Camping

Re: The Rapture

Dear Harold,

Do I go to your crappy radio station and start telling you how to do your job? Then why, Harold, do you insist on telling me how to do mine? I would have thought the whole 1998 incident; or rather non incident would have clued you in that I don’t play that. I didn’t create this world for the sheer joy of wrecking it later. I am not a 6 year old with Legos, Harold…and frankly I’m getting a little tired of this.

How would you like it if I started putting up billboards all over town saying you were going to murder millions of people? How would that make you feel? Or maybe I wouldn’t do that because I’m the creator of the Universe and I DON’T NEED THE MONEY!

That’s right Harold. I’m omnipotent…I know EXACTLY how much you make in donations after one of your little pronouncements. Are you rendering unto Caesar what is his? No? I didn’t think so.

The fact is, I work in mysterious ways, and even if I DO decide to shut the whole thing down, the LAST person I would tell is a crotchety old attention whoring fear mongering fraud like you.

You know what else I saw? The woman who cut her two kids throats with a box cutter because she was convinced the Rapture was coming. I am holding her responsible for that, but I’m also YOU responsible for that, Harold. There’s going to be a Rapture alright. The only one taken up will be you, and you and I are going to have a little chat about this face to face. You might want to bring some burn ointment.

In short, shut your me damned mouth, you idiot. I didn’t create the universe so little bullies like you can go around yipping that it’s coming to an end.

Shape up or else.

G.

P.S. While you are at it lay off the Gays. If I didn’t want them there I wouldn’t have made them that way.

I saw a headline once on Yahoo.com that claimed more and more people were turning to the Bible for financial advice.

This is very odd to me. If you found a copy of the Wall Street Journal that was over 2000 years old, would you take the “Hot Stock Tips” or would you find them just a tad out of date?

It also brought up a few more points in my mind…I’m no financial wizard but please bear these in mind before you go rushing to The Book of Isiah for your investment portfolio.

1. If your broker’s advice to you is “Render unto Caesar what is his”, get a new broker.

2. I’m curious to know, what exactly the rate of return is on 30 pieces of silver?

3. Here’s a hot tip, there’s a lumberyard near old Noah’s place that looks to do very promising business this year.

4. If you’ve got your money in Sodom and Gomorrah…SELL!! SELL!

5. “Honor Thy Father and Mother” is not financial advice, just so you know.

6. If you’ve got money in Lazurus Industries Inc…hang on to your stocks, I think they may just come back from the dead.

7. Let him who hath understanding Reckon the Number of the Beast….for it is a human number the Number is six hundred and sixty six…percent interest

8. A little bird told me that Egypt is about to lose major amount of their workforce after an already sharp income downturn thanks to plagues, frogs, locusts, and river blood. Invest accordingly.

9. There’s a good chance of a Bull Market…provided someone doesn’t sacrifice it to God

10. Do unto others…with an interest rate of at least 12%

IN THE BEGINNING, there was The Eighties. And the Eighties were wrong in the eyes of The Lord, and the sinners who worked at American Apparel had been born in the 90′s, and they knew not how wrong they were to dress that way. And they knew not that pulp-porn imagery is creepy, and they knew not of how to work at a real job. The Lord looked upon American Apparel, and he frowned.

1. Yea, and the sky will crack, and fire will rain down, and those wearing retro non-prescription glasses frames from the eighties will be blinded immediately, and they will run in the streets and bleed from their anuses. For Vanity shall be the sin which ends the world. “Glasses are for seeing, not for fashion” sayeth The Lord, and The Lord shall say “Enough with the glasses, especially if you don’t need them. How about I give you all a bleeding anus disease?”. And so it shall be.

2. And the number of the beast shall be $14.99, and the v neck t-shirts will dive so low as to be purposeless to protect their chests from the horrible radiation. And those without the trust in the lord will bake doubly fast in their shiny stretch pants for they are reflective and increase the heat.

3. And there will be a plague of locusts. And the manager will give you a sour look, and point at a section where an item of clothing might be found instead of walking you over there to show you where to find said item, yea, though it is an item you wish to purchase. And the Lord shall say “Hey, nobody is hip enough to avoid customer service. My son died on a crucifix for your sins, what was so hard for you today that you can’t crack a smile? Your Mika remix CD is scratched?”. And the manager shall be slain for poor role modeling and douchebaggery.

4. And The Beast shall come in many forms. And he will be wearing a totally shapeless cotton dress. And The Beast shall look fat no matter how many belts The Beast may choose to wear. Even thought The Beast is normal sized, The Beast will totally look really fat, for realsies. And The Beast shall give you the worst service of all, because the beast has self esteem issues because the beast is surrounded by hipsters.

5. And the self esteem issues of The Beast shall be caused by the hipsters surrounding them, for they know not what power they wield over The Beast. And they shall say unto her, with their retarded bow ties askew, “Hey Bethany, I totally like that shapeless dress on you, but Brittany totally pulls it off better and she is wearing it today”.

6. And the Beast shall get all pissy, and yea, tho it offendeth the Lord, ALL the employees shall be pissy, and they will all be sexually promiscuous because they are surrounded by pornographic ad campaigns which depict young unhappy women looking like they are just wondering when the photographer is going to rape them.

7. And the ad campaigns will cause confusion amongst the men, who wonder if they are horny for skinny teens in shapeless cotton sacks, like some kind of weird morgue fantasy with people wearing body bags.

8. And the mannequins for the leggings will be a row of sticking-out asses like an implausible train-to-be-a-stripper class, and the misogynistic wrongness of the mannequins will raise the eyebrows of even the most insensitive of males. And the males shall start to feel uncomfortable, surrounded by the weird child porn and sexually more-than-suggestive mannequins, and The Lord shall say “Fear not, for I think that’s all a bit too far as well, and it gives me the creepies also”.

9. And The Lord will smite American Apparel, and he shall really smite it up. He will smite it like it’s never been smitten before. He will smite the fuck out of every last pair of assless pantyhose, and he might smite H&M a bit too, even if their stuff fits him.

So sayeth the book of Retail Rvelations