ACTION SMACKDOWN!

This week: Warrant Officer Ellen Ripley, late of the Nostromo, vs. Captain Malcom Reynolds of the Firefly class spaceship Serenity. Ms. “Get away from her, you bitch” vs. Mr. “If your hand touches metal, I swear by my pretty floral bonnet I will end you”. Let’s get it on like the Yuuzhan Vong.

Admin_Rock

Our first true “tough one” of the bracket. Ripley is no slouch, having taken on countless Aliens. She’s used to mixing it up, and coming out on top, regardless of the odds. On the other hand, Mal is a scrapper. He never really gets ahead, but he always wins. He’s also underestimated by almost everyone. He presents a charming face, and an ‘aw shucks’ attitude, but make no mistake, he’ll kill you in a heartbeat. And I don’t even want to hear any of that “Mal is too much of a gentleman to harm a lady.” Bullshit. If his life is on the line, he won’t hesitate.

The horn goes, and Mal and Ripley both make their way for the gun pole. Mal gets to his gun first, and begins shooting. He’s close to the mark, but just misses. Ripley gets her gun/flamethrower dealie, but also a shot in the leg for her trouble. Thus begins the longest battle in arena history. Mal chases, Ripley stays a step ahead, with her injured leg slowing her down. Finally, Mal comes around the the post, Ripley fires off a desperation burst, catching Mal with the flamethrower. His hair is singed, and he’s pissed.

“Lady, I’m getting awful tired of this. Let’s settle it”. Ripley steps out from behind the post, limping as she does so. Mal says “On the count of three..”. Both of them, knowing better fire immediately. The flamethrower mangles Mal’s face some more, possibly destroying his good looks permanently, and he catches a round in his shoulder. Ripley takes two to the chest, and collapses. Mal falls to the ground, and passes out. Ripley falls as well. She doesn’t get back up.

Winner: Mal, by the slimmest of margins.

Tbinns

This one poses more questions than there are good answers for. Questions like: How are they going to get a giant mech style loading machine on a tiny platform? Would the otherwise gallant Captain Mal dig deep and kill an essentially innocent woman? More importantly, would he be wearing a pretty floral bonnet when he did so?

In times of uncertainty, we must always turn to the comforting rigidity of mathematics…

I think it’s fair to say that Ripley defeating not just AN Alien…but several ALIENS and then their giant Queen translates to…

Ripley >Aliens.

So we must then postulate, having never had one aboard Serenity whether or not Captain Mal would in fact vanquish an Alien…or several… or their Queen. I seem to recall in the last episode, Mal and his whole crew almost got completely wiped out by one guy. Since we postulate that a number of Aliens could beat one guy we have to assume

Mal < Aliens

So mathematically

Ripley >Aliens, and Aliens> Mal therefore Ripley >Mal.

Hooray for Math!

But wait! Is this specious logic at work?

After all Mal< Aliens might be an erroneous supposition, based on the fact that Mal has fought and defeated Reavers, who are in there own rapey cannibally way almost as fearsome as aliens. No acid for blood, but on the whole pretty terrifying. But unless we actually saw a Serenity Crew vs. Alien Mash up, we’d have no way of knowing. All we know is that they would have our money and our asses would be in the seats opening day.

So in the face of the failures of Math and Logical Philosophy…let us turn to out old stand by Science!

FACT OF SCIENCE: Ripley’s finishing move is pressing a button and watching her adversary get sucked out of an airlock. She’s a master of the art of Vogon-Fu. Thing is…there aren’t any airlocks in the arena, folks. The scientific method would demand rigorous testing, but most reputable scientists would be likely to theorize a Mal Wins Scenario.

All of which leads to one undeniable conclusion.

I’m Tbinnsing the shit out of this article because I haven’t got the first clue who would win . I’m about 20 seconds away from a coin toss here.

Wait a minute… Joss Whedon actually CREATED Mal and wrote an Alien movie! Let’s just ask him!

JOSS: I never wrote an Alien film

TONY: Yes, yes you did.

JOSS: No I didn’t, I’m very busy directing the Avengers go away…

TONY: Dude, we know you wrote Alien Resurrection…

JOSS: LA LA LA LA LA I DID NOT WRITE THAT IT NEVER HAPPENED LA LA LA LA!!!!!

Well, clearly Joss is not going to help me.

So let’s assume that Ripley’s weapon is that bad ass pulse rifle with the blow torch/grenade launcher attachment, and Mal’s trusty sidearm is there as well.

Buzzer sounds, Mal swears in Chinese, as the smart and determined Ripley bolts for the weapons…It’s neck and neck up to the platform…Mal’s hand grabs for the pisto…REAVERS!!!!!

REAVERS!!!!! OH GOD RUN RUN FOR YOUR LIVES! REAVERS…

Ughhh alright FINE I’ll make a decision.

Hmmmmmmm. Uhhh.

Crap.

Ummm Mal wins. Because…uhhh…Oh okay how about this…Mal wins because he is a soldier trained in hand to hand, and Ripley a determined survivor…which cancels that out.

DAMMIT!!!

Okay…here it is. The Winner is Ripley. Because Joss Whedon kills off beloved characters, and Ripley keeps coming back, even after death. And Because Mal would die rather than kill an innocent woman.

Yes. Mal dies rather than break principal and Ripley survives. That feels right.

There.  Ripley. I said it, I stand by it.

I think.

WINNER: Ripley

LOSER: Guys who can’t make a decision

 

Cub Reporter Keith

Ripley knows the stakes. She has been down this road before. Some faceless inter-planetary corp with its own agenda has put her in harm’s way again. She looks across the arena to see Malcom Reynolds, captain of the Serenity, smiling back at her.

“I’ll just charm the little lady into giving up,” Mal thinks, “no need for her to get her pretty head blowed off.”

“What an @$$hole,” Ripley says under her breath.

Up on the pedestal are Mal’s signature sidearm and Ripley’s most iconic weapon, the 15-foot tall zero-gee landing bay mech.

“What the hell am I going to do with that even if I got to it?” Ripley asks no one in particular.

Thankfully for the Cub Reporter, Ripley doesn’t know she is being controlled by an omnipotent writer creating all of this from his memory of the Alien film fest he had about 5 years back. She would kick his Cubby butt.

“You won’t need it. You just have to strike hard and fast.” She looks down to see that Bishop’s head is sitting near her. There is no more explanation for this than there is any other time Bishop suddenly shows up to give her expository information.

Ripley stalks toward Mal, grabbing the closest loose rock, ever the improviser.

“Let’s us work out some peaceable solution to this here conundrum, what say?” Mal says in a nearly incomprehensible mish-mash of dialogue styles.

“I don’t even care who sent you, Reynolds. I’m tried of being used.”

Ripley is only a few feet away and towers over Reynolds, mostly because your narrator thinks she is taller than she really is. She’s really 2 inches shorter than Mal, but that isn’t the picture in my head. If you don’t like it, just pretend I said they were eye to eye or something.

Ripley winds back with her small rock that doesn’t count as a weapon. Mal smiles, knowing what comes next.

But it doesn’t come. Because in every single episode of Firefly when Mal gets into a spot like this Zoe comes along and saves him. Or the Serenity comes blasting up from behind a cliff to surprise everyone. Or Wash makes a distracting quip. Or River kills a whole bunch of people with her brain.

None of that happens. Mal is alone. Which is why he gets his head bashed in by Ripley who is way cooler.

Winner: Ripley

Loser: Cub Reporter Keith who now has to explain why he visits a site from work that has this much TBinns’ing

Follow Keith on Twitter at CubReporterK and listen to his comic book podcast at www.wetalkcomics.podomatic.com

DECISION: Ripley

So Ripley moves on to battle Indiana Jones in the next round. Tune in next week for Sarah Connor vs John McClane. Have something to say? Probably. Do so below.

As part of our continuing service to you, The Correct, we continually find things for you to be in favour of. In our crazy, fast paced, webmanic society, it’s easy to miss something. Our “A Case For” series presents something (a TV show, film, Book, Band etc) that might deserve a look.

Our Cases are often presented by our regular readers, and we encourage that sort of behavior. If you have something you’d like to make a case for, write it up and send it to us at admin@thecorrectness.com . See the end of the article for more info.
This week, we bring you A Case for “Firefly” brought to you by reader Fat American, with some editorial from us (the stuff in italics), as we also have strong feelings for this show.

Admin Rock is a big fan of Joss Whedon, as evidenced by “A Case For Buffy” and his letter to Joss Whedon. Anybody who devotes so much time and effort to tell great stories while having abuse heaped upon them by the fanbois deserves some accolades.

******************************************************

1. Something Different

The mix of old west and Star Trek. It’s the last frontier meets the final frontier. The characters are believable. The are gritty they have problems people can relate to. They almost never get along with each other. They all have little hang ups that make them a pain in the butt for each other to be couped up with in a broken down flying chicken of a space ship.

Admin_Rock: I love the use of new vs. old, the fact that there are broken down things and people in this universe. It gives a very real feeling. I never had a problem with Western Sci-Fi aspect. It gives the show a unique feel and creates some interesting quirks.

2. Backstory

They have a great back story. A civil war that encompasses all the planets in the galaxy. A Federation that wants to govern all the worlds and make them all better whether they like it or not. The outer rim worlds resist and are crushed. As a result we have the Captain. Mal Reynolds who is just barely keeping his ship in fuel and food in the galley, going world to world looking for any way to make a buck. Legal or other wise. Along the way the pick up some unlikely passengers that just keep staying on the boat. One a fugitive Doctor and his sister. The doctor has taken his sister from a government facility that has been using her as a weapon. A preacher that is often at odds with the captain over his career choices, and a prostitute who the captain harbors more than a fondness for.

Admin_Rock:Whedon is great at populating his shows with strong characters, all of whom have their own stories. Even the much maligned (unfairly) Dollhouse has big expansive story lines and rich characters. River’s past and Book’s past bring complications to the characters, and provide a through line for viewers to dig in to.

3. Serenity

The ship. The ship is like I said a flying chicken. It is broken down most of the time and is just a pile of spare parts. But the ship is like a central character itself.

Admin_Rock: I’m not sure I see the chicken, I always though Serenity looks more like a horse, or a saddle for same. I do love that it’s constantly in need of repair, that the crew quarters are small and cramped, and only accessible by a small hatch. The mess hall area looks like a farmer’s kitchen, which is awesome, and one of the main sets on the show is a big ol’ hangar.

4. Jayne

The man named Jayne. He’s rude, he’s crude, he wants to be in charge, & he has a IQ of sixty. He either wants to kill it or have sex with it. What’s not to like about a guy like that.

Admin_Rock: Jane is great. It’s pretty rare to have a main character with such a strong self-interest, to the extent where he occasionally screws over his own team when it suits him. He calls a spade a spade, and doesn’t knuckle under easily, though he’s a big fan of the chain of command.

5. Reavers

Reavers. They’re like a cross between zombies and the Borg. The fly around in space with unshielded reactors. They are completely mad. They catch you, then kill you and rape you but not in that particular order.

Admin_Rock: Reavers! Great bad guys, creepy and scary. What really sells them is that the crew are AFRAID of them. What makes the viewer concerned is that there is some kind of reaction to these guys. People whisper when they talk about them. If Serenity (the film) made a mis-step, it might have been giving them a solid origin, de-mystifying them. But still, REAVERS!

This show is well written. In fact I have talked several people into watching it and after they get past the pilot episode they are hooked. Lets face it, pilots are ground work shows and you need another episode to show how great you are. Why this show was dropped who can say.

Admin_Rock: For me, I was sold from the point in “The Train Job” where Mal tries to give the flunky the money and a message, and is thwarted. What happened next was a bit shocking, and made me say to myself “Well, this is a show I need to watch”. It plays with hero conventions well, it’s funny and exciting. Really sad it didn’t stick around longer.

********************************************************

If you have a show or film or book or band you’d like to make a case for, we’d love to hear from you. Read the rules below, and drop us a line.

The rules:
1) Give us 5 good reasons we should care, or watch, or listen etc. Make them compelling. Remember, you’re trying to sell this to us, and our readers.
2) Spelling and grammar count. Admin_Rock doesn’t like having to correct your … oh who are we kidding, he loves that stuff. But still, get it right, k?
3) Send pictures along with the article. Don’t make us work harder than we have to, be sure to send pics, or links to pics in the article.

send you entries to admin@thecorrectness.com

Check out the previous installments to see how it’s done.

It’s no secret that The Correctness are big fans of Joss Whedon. He’s made a string of shows that are brilliant, funny, and engaging. We watched Buffy (movie and show), We watched Angel. We loved the hell out of Firefly and Serenity. We crushed on Dr Horrible. We (well, at least some of we) really dig Dollhouse. But Joss, buddy, we need to talk about how the networks (we’re mostly looking at you, Fox!) treat you.

The Friday night death slot is just that. Death. If they air you on Friday, they cancel you soon after. You know it, we know it. The executives and their notes, asking you to change this or that, showing episodes out of order, making you reshoot pilot episodes, etc. The list goes on.

Here are the facts: You know how to make good TV. You know how to find like-minded people to help you do this. You have a great rapport with your actors, and have gathered a stable of folks who will do anything you sign on for. And, hey, millions of fans who feel likewise.

We know you were doing Eliza a solid by taking on Dollhouse through Fox. But after the reports that Fox will “air all 13 episodes this season” and that you’re being shelved for the sweeps period, we’re all in agreement that Fox doesn’t give a crap about you.

So, we’ve been thinking about this, and we think that you should ditch TV once and for all. We keep our eye on things like DVD sales, and we noted that even a show like Babylon 5, which was a cult favorite, and not a mainstream hit, in the words of its creator “have raised over 500 million in revenue.” Dr. Horrible was a big hit, and it wasn’t made for TV at all. You see what we’re getting at?

Get a few backers together (or hey, maybe you have the cash to bankroll the thing yourself), and produce your own show, make it, slap it on iTunes, sell DVDs at the end of season, get it on Hulu. You KNOW we’ll all fork over some cash to see more great storytelling. At the very worst, we’ll still treat you better than the network execs.

The press will still cover you, network or no. The ComicCon crowds will spread the world. The fanboys will love your bold steps, and we’ll be done with the Fox network entirely (well, okay, we’ll keep watching House, but that’s it!). We’ll even start a whole new site called “The Jossness”. Or not, that sounds pretty lame. Then, when you’ve proven the model works, when the Season 1 DVD sales roll in, you can ramp up the production values for season 2, when everything gets good anyway.

Also, when all this works out, remember your old friends at The Correctness. And give J.M.S. a call, and tell him to do this too.

Love, The Correctness.

Even though many of your people have never yet been enticed by the subtle delicacy that is Nerd Love, in time, you will find yourself inexplicably tempted. You will find yourself drawn to nerds like a moth to a plasma stream, or , possibly, a flame. We will draw you in with our intense passion for very specific things, we will draw you in with our charming inability to admit to being wrong about said things, we will draw you in with our extensive collections of things- Come to think of it, I’m not sure what our exact appeal is, but every year more and more non nerdy people find themselves suddenly and inextricably attracted to nerds, and you will need some advice. Oh- even if you didn’t need advice, we are going to give you some advice, rest assured of that if nothing else. Advice will be given, and you can smile quietly to yourself and tell us to go back to our RPGs.
How does one seduce a nerd, you ask yourself? That’s easy. Offer it sex. Did it refuse? It did? In all likelihood, you may have some serious work to do then.

Seducing a Boy Nerd (straight):

This is the easiest type of nerd to seduce. They are likely going to be so grateful that you are showering them with sexy affection that they will do anything- ANYTHING- to please you (see T Binns stand up act circa 2006 to present). Anything. In fact, if you are a gay man trying to seduce a straight nerd might be worth a try, if they didn’t already have strangely specific tastes for Hollywood actresses related to science fiction genre film and television. They don’t know Mila Jovovich doesn’t care who they are, and she might not be passionate about zombies in her real life, they only know she is related to zombies and therefore hot.
In any case, you can seduce them, and bend them to your will somewhat. I say somewhat because there is an argument coming. The inevitability of this argument is so uh, not evitable that it simply cannot be evitablated. If you haven’t done your research, and you cross your boy nerd on something specific, he might be willing to sacrifice the entire relationship to make his point. He might say something so cutting and harsh to you that you will feel stupid for years. There is a savage streak of correctness in most male nerds that defies their social standing. The nerdier the man, the more caustic and critical this argument will be. You will be left feeling so genetically inferior you will do anything to date a dumb jock like you did in high school- someone with pretty eyes who is deeply concerned with their resting heart rate…
One thing that makes it all worthwhile- if you want to be looked at like the single most beautiful creature in the world, and you have always wondered what it would be like to receive a look of pure adoration, kiss that nerd.

Seducing a Boy Nerd (gay):

This is one of those things that should be easy to, in theory. Since the nerd population is so overwhelmingly male, gay men seeking gay nerds should find the nerdy territory easy to navigate. Nerds are used to being not quite accepted by the mainstream, nerds are used to being misunderstood, nerds know the heartbreaking feeling of loving someone you can’t have, the whole nerd thing is totally gay. But, if you are a sexy gay hipster, and you have eased your way into the gay community by developing a taste for sexy gay hipster things like 1940’s cinema, and interior design (stereotypes come from somewhere boys, that’s why everyone thinks I’m gay- well, that and my effete demeanour) you may need to reach into your childhood and access the pop-cultural touchstones that raised you. Surely, Star Trek, with all its messages of tolerance and the trials of love appeals to you? Perhaps something inherently asexual like GI Joe? Find your common ground.
There is a class of gay nerd that really knows musicals. This is one of those delicate sub-nerd genres that leans towards cool in certain circles. You know, like car-nerds, or or baseball-statistic-nerds. God knows, it’s all equally annoying, but these sub-genres require a delicate touch- your nerd might not even be aware he is a nerd!

Seducing a Girl Nerd (Gay or Straight):

If you are attempting to seduce a girl nerd, you will be surprised by several things. One, it will be relatively easy, initially, to be more charming than the competition, and two, there will be an endless supply of lovestruck nerdy suitors (primarily male, no matter how gay your partner may be) trying to outnerd each other for your partner. Boy nerds love girl-nerds, they are the elusive white tigers of a vast forest of, uh, non-white tigers. Your real competition will come when these boy nerds assail your would-be girlfriend with a barrage of inimitable come-ons, some so elaborate you couldn’t believe. Trust me, I know of which I speak here, a nerd with time and a crush is an unstoppable force. Rest assured, they have spent their life savings to spell out your girlfriend’s name in flaming letters made of home-made napalm which they googled the recipe for at the public library to avoid incriminating themselves on their home computers. Your main job isn’t the seduction of your girl nerd, but the defense of her.

A personal story here:

Me: (jokingly)Hey, they make suspension forks for mountain bikes, but they don’t make suspension forks for the dinner table.

Unavailable Girl: What?

Me: I said: they should make suspension forks for the dinner table, you know, to cushion the blow while you cut your steak.

Unavailable Girl: That is the stupidest thing I ever heard.

Me: Oh, it’s been broughten.

1 MONTH LATER

Me: ( Producing a dinner fork with the middle section of the handle removed and replaced with a spring based suspension system I designed myself so the fork handle compressed when you plunged it into food) Here you go.

Unavailable Girl: WTF? Wow.

DO NOT underestimate the seriousness of the nerdy completion. I’ve played the “nice guy” card a billion times, and it’s easy for me because I’m actually a nice guy (see how that works? Build the image, then be prepared to follow through). While I prefer them single and hypothetically available, I have seen many nerds swoop in on your unattended girlfriend, charm her with a dizzying array of colourful objects, poems, and home-made suspension forks, and then after she breaks up with you (ONLY after she breaks up with you) spend one passionate but confusing night with her, only to have her return to you. Such is the way of things.

Well, pitter patter kids, 1/3 of The Correctness is still single and ready to be snapped up! Don’t forget to refer to our article “Nerd Fight” to get advice on ending it when you tire of me!

Here at The Correctness, we deal in things nerdish. Also geekish and Pointdexterish, but mainly nerdish. And if there’s one things nerds can do better than most, it’s arguing about minutia. (Also math, computers, biology, chemistry, botany, etc).

Some of you out there are thinking, “so friggin what”. And you’re right. But just for a moment, consider the endless entertainment appeal of watching the little guys get really, really worked up about nothing, with the calming knowledge that if they get out of hand, you can easily subdue all of them, regardless of the numbers involved.

Without further delay, The Correctness presents a handy list of phrases that, when uttered in the presence of nerds, will guarantee a argument. We’ve also provided a guide for the non-nerd to have a frame of reference as to why these things can be dangerous.

BSG had a terrible ending. It made no sense at all.

The recent re-imagining of Battlestar Galactica ended in a fashion that divided the nerd camp into two groups: Those that immediately proclaimed it the best thing ever made for television, and those that rolled their eyes and moved on immediately. There is bound to be at least one of each in any group of 3 or more nerds.

One side will be making a case for the constant religious overtones, and the phrase “All of this has happened before, and will happen again”. They will cite the seeding of the “Final Five”, and the “head” characters as proof that the ending is completely keeping with the run of the show.

The other side will make some strong points about ludicrous decisions and bacteria, possibly something about doing it with cavemen. Neither side will win, nor give up. All of this has happened before, and will happen again.

If you look at them as a love story, The Prequels are really good.

Firstly, “The Prequels” refer to Episodes 1,2,3 of the Star Wars films (but the nerds will know this already. We’ll discuss the fact that the 4th through 6th episodes came first another day.)
The sheer disappointment of the collective fanbase from the prequels is still being felt in the nerdiverse to this day. The mere notion that they might have overlooked something, or more properly, that there might be something of value in these films will be enough to send them immediately at each other’s throats.

You can throw in some comments about love, and how it makes people do things they normally wouldn’t. You can argue that Anakin follows his heart, and does everything in his power to prevent the death of the woman who loves him. Finally, to ensure some rage, say “there’s no stronger commitment of their love then when Padme says ‘Hold me like you did by the lake on Naboo’”.

For a company with a 5% market share, Apple sure spends a lot of money.

This item should be reserved for nerd groups that contain a hipster or two. For starters, Apple’s makert share of computer sales is closer to 8-10%, so you’ll get a reaction from Apple fanboys, both those who know what the true number is, and those who can’t possibly believe it’s that tiny. It will also kick off a lengthy discussion of the superiority of Apple computers, which will be refuted by the cost vs performance issue, which will lead into a virus/operating system dependability discussion. Seriously, you can get at least 2 beers worth of entertainment from this one.

Babylon 5 was miles better than Deep Space 9.

Babylon 5 was a syndicated sci-fi show that ran for 5 years, and isn’t well known outside of geek circles. It’s primary characteristics were that the entire run of the show was plotted out in advance, that it featured realistic physics for its space battles, and that it was pitched to Paramount executives, who passed on the show.

Deep Space 9 was the 3rd “Star Trek” series, and is considered by many Trekkies to be the best of the bunch (and certainly the darkest). It ran for 7 seasons, and is known for the fact that it took place in a single location which other came to (rather than a ship exploring like the other Star Trek shows). This was modified later in the series, but is still essentially accurate.

This match-up is a familiar one for nerds, and sets them off like cake at a fat camp. You have the “was DS9 based on B5″ argument, which might take all night on its own, and you have the various parties arguing for the superiority of their own favorite. Feel free to throw in comments such as “Why did they need to add Worf?” and “It’s weird that they changed the commander like that” to keep both parties going.

Manga/Anime is pretty much a genre for the retarded.

Unlike most of the items in this list, which are simply opinion based, this one is just fact. There aren’t that many Manga fans out there, but if you’re lucky enough to have one present, this will send them into a frenzy, citing examples of groundbreaking work from Japanese guys you’ve never heard of, like Toshiro, Yogotaki, and Mishriyama. If they seem like they might be holding their own in the argument, don’t be afraid to mention Sailor Moon, and Tentacles.

Ang Lee’s Hulk was awesome

This item could very easily backfire on you, if you’re not prepared. You’ll likely be greeted with a unified front of disagreement. Don’t be scared, and stick to your guns. Remember, your goal here is not to be right, but to make nerds excitable. Make reference to things like the comic book look and feel of the movie, and the subtle effect of the psychological make-up of Bruce Banner. DO NOT attempt to argue on the following points: Hulk Dogs, Nick Nolte.

D and D 4.0 is just World of Warcraft with pen and Paper

This topic will flush out the full nerds from your group, they simply won’t be able to feign ignorance, or keep their opinion to themselves. Recently, the new (4.0) version of Dungeons and Dragons came out, and sparked immediate discussion about the merits of the new system compared to version 3.5. There are many similarities between the design of 4.0 and the ridiculously popular (among the nerds) World of Warcraft. Watch as the 3.5 purists mock things like healing surges and diagonal movement costs. See the 4.0 advocates mock the high level problems of 3.5, and espouse the speed of the combat system.

Kirk is better than Picard

An argument that even the non-nerds can jump into. comparing the relative merits of Captain Kirk to Captain Picard will generate discussion of Starfleet policy, acting styles, and manliness. Again, if you’re looking for flashpoint issues, throw out these two: “Shatner cannot act”,”Picard was French”.

The Kirk camp will be those who love The Original Series the most, and won’t be swayed by arguments involving the cheese factor, Kirk’s staccato delivery, and his flagrant chewing of any furniture in the nearby vicinity.

The Picard people will think themselves superior due to the more sophisticated nature of The Next Generation. They will point to Picard’s maturity, his acting ability, and his baldness.

Firefly lasted 14 episodes too long

No show in recent memory has sparked more discussion among the fanboys than Joss Whedon’s “Firefly”. Fans of the show loved it for its attractive cast, irreverent attitude and snappy dialogue. Detractors hated it for its use of the “space western” genre, and mostly the way the fans of the show seem to drool on endlessly about. If your luck is good, and the beer is strong, and the moon is full, you may be lucky enough to have this argument reach physical combat. And nothing , not even a redneck bar fight, is more fun to watch than Dexter and Milton duking it out over Nathan Fillion.

And thus, we come to the end of our article. We wish you good luck in your nerd-baiting, a phrase we hesitate to use, as it simply sounds wrong, and conjures up images we’d rather not have to scrub out of our brains later.

It’s the Calgary Comic Expo, 2009 and unhinged nerdery abounds. At an autograph table, right across from Edward James Olmos, (If you don’t know who that is, stop reading. RESPECT THE OLD MAN, FUCKERS!!!)TV Uber cutie Jewel Staite signs a picture for a pudgy anime princess. Not realizing that destiny had just paid 20 bucks, and was approaching her with a DVD of Firefly in hand, she takes a quick sip of water, and stretches.

When they lock eyes, time stops. The vibrations are palpable. It echoes throughout the showroom floor, causing Margot Kidder to pause in her carnival barking for autographs and cock her head like a curious dog. Several aisles away a woman dressed as Emma Frost gets a shiver. (Although, to be fair she wasn’t wearing much, but we stand by the palpable echo nevertheless)

Finally after both an instant and an eternity, Jewel speaks.

JEWEL: Hello there!
(What she meant was “As I look upon you, I know at last what it truly means to be a woman. With needs.”

Tbinns: Hi. How are you?
(Please, I’m married, you are embarrassing both of us)

JEWEL: I’m good thanks. Do you want it personalized?
(“Tell me your name at least, I must know who you are!”)

Tbinns: Yes, please. My name is Tony
(I’m only giving you my first name, I can’t have you looking me up)

JEWEL: Sure, no problem
(I belong to you now. That’s why I’m signing this with a little heart on it. To let you know that I am utterly yours)

Tbinns: Long day?
(I’m changing the subject now, because your obvious carnal desires are making me uncomfortable)

JEWEL: Not too bad. Getting near the end, though.
(I’m done here at 5, I’m staying at the Hotel Arts just a little ways away from here, please meet me there. I find pudgy Kevin Smith types highly arousing and you are making me crazy. I mean, there are a ton of those guys here, but you clearly are the best one. I must have you!!!)

Tbinns: Well, thanks very much for coming, it was a pleasure meeting you
(I have to go now, Kandyse McClure from Battlestar Galactica is checking out my ass and I have to go tell her to cut it out)

JEWEL: Oh, you’re welcome it was a pleasure meeting you. Take care.
(NO!! Don’t leave! You mutsn’t!!! How will I live? Whatever will I do? Come back, I will totally introduce you to Joss Whedon and you guys will be best pals!!! YOU ARE MY UNIVERSE!!! COME BACK!!!)

So there you have it. Tragic really, that I had to utterly destroy her heart like that. When will these people learn that all I want is an autograph? Why do they always go that extra step with me? I’m not even going to get into the nightmare that was the Sean Astin autograph session.