Bob had spent most of his adult life trying to convince his friends, family and even total strangers that he was not an end table. By the time his 45th Birthday rolled around he was pretty sure he’d managed to convince them all of this irrefutable fact. Unfortunately his birthday party proved him wrong.

His cousin Ellen tried to hide underneath him when she thought it was supposed to be a surprise party.

When he unwrapped his gifts, he found that he had received 8 sets of coasters, 2 coffee table books, and a can of Endust.

He knew it was all for naught when they tried to cut the cake on his lap.

As he cried quietly to himself in a corner, his wife of 17 years absently tried to put her drink on his head. He snatched it away, downed it in a single gulp…and shuffled off to bed.

a short sketch about domesticity and time travel by Dawn Dumont

Erin: Why are the dishes still in the sink?

Todd: Umm…I thought you were going to do them.

Erin: Before I left, I distinctly said – “Do the dishes, Todd, its your turn.”

Todd: Oh, I didn’t hear you.

Erin: Yes you did. Because then I said to you, “Did you hear me?” And you said, “Yes, I heard you.”

Todd: Oh well, then sorry.

Erin: I don’t want sorry. I want clean dishes.

Todd: I can’t right now.

Erin: You’re playing video games!

Todd: Erin, remember when we were talking about the difference between asking and bossing?

Erin: They smell! Why didn’t you do them?!!

Todd: Do you want me to build a time machine? Cuz I will build a time machine.

Erin: You don’t know how to build a time machine. You didn’t even pass grade 11 physics.

Todd: There you go. Now I just built a time machine.

Erin: No you didn’t.

Todd: You shouldn’t have goaded me. Now I’ve destroyed the space time continuum.

Erin: Why are the dishes still dirty then?

Todd: Because I did the dishes – and then you dirtied them again. So now its your turn to do them.

Erin: Wrong. Cuz I stole your time machine and did them and then you dirtied them making it your turn again. And I also slept with Jack.

Todd: Why did you do that?

Erin: Because you didn’t do the dishes!

Todd: But Jack has herpes. Now we both have herpes.

Erin: No, I went to the future where they have the cure and I brought it back for us.

Todd: That was nice of you.

Erin: I’m not giving you the cure until you do the dishes.

Todd: Well. I do not respond to blackmail.

Erin: Thats not blackmail.

Todd: Bribery?

Erin: Kind of.

Todd: Doesn’t matter. I just went to the future and plant a car bomb in your car.

Erin: I just removed it and put it in your car.

Todd: I went to the past and killed your family cat.

Erin: Ryley! He got hit by a car.

Todd: No, I strangled him with my bare hands. Then I threw him in front of that car.

Erin: You’re sick. Wait, I just killed your grandfather.

Todd: Poppy! Not Poppy! He wore suspenders!

Erin: Oh get over it. I killed him only 10 seconds before he was gonna die anyway. And I used a down-filled pillow.

Todd: Still, its the principle! I’m so sorry Pappy.

Erin: Do the dishes and I’ll go back and stop myself.

Todd: I killed you.

Erin: When?

Todd: Two hours before we met.

Erin: Asshole!

Todd: Then I went back and stopped myself from killing you. I said, “She’s not worth it Todd.” And I agreed.

Erin: I can’t believe you killed me. Fuck. You know my mother always said you were the type to kill me.

Todd: I’m sorry.

Erin: (Sniffs.)

Todd: I said I was sorry.

Erin: Couldn’t you have at least brought me flowers?

Todd: I did.

Erin: Where are they then?

Todd: Right in front of you. They are invisible flowers. I invented them in year 2135.

Erin: What would be the point of…?

Todd: In time, you will understand.

Erin: I think we should see other people.

Todd: Why? We’re going to get back together anyway. I’ll go back in time, do the dishes, stop myself from killing your cat and then invent the I-Pod and then we’ll move to Borneo so you can study borneo wildlife like you always wanted.

Erin: Cool, then I’m gonna take a nap.

A very short story by Tbinns

Emily was truly blessed. She was clever, pretty, well mannered, well loved and well off. Her only shortcoming was a type of zoological dyslexia in which she often mistook large, angry bears for happy friendly dogs. So it was , on her ill advised nature walk that she suffered the additional indignity of having her last words on earth be “Here doggy doggy, nice doggy.”