Time for some Superteam Smackdown, live from the The Correctness’s new Herodome, located in sunny downtown Newville. The tailgates are up, the beer is cold, the snacks are carby, it’s time for some smackdown! We have 8 classic superhero teams fighting it out to see who can claim the title.

This week, we have DC’s Justice League taking on Marvel’s first family, The Fantastic Four.

RULES:

-The two day prep, fight in an arena still applies.

-No outside interference from people who are NOT on your team. Ie: No stunts from Franklin and Professor X. Your team is your team and that’s who you’ve got.

-Heroes with Multiple team affiliations can only fight for 1 team

- Only 5 members max per team. Current lineups are based on our choices, as we are awesome.

-Remember, this speculation is based on the TEAM MEMBERS we have assembled. Yes, the results would have been very different if Professor X was on the Team, or Green Lantern, or Martian Manhunter or whomever. But they aren’t, so the results are based on who we’ve got.

TEAMS

The JLA (Superman, Wonder Woman, Flash, Batman, Aquaman)

Vs.

The Fantastic Four (Reed Richards, Sue Richards, Johnny Storm and the Thing)

RobbieRobTown:

I am not a comic book expert. “Why do you write for a comic book blog?” you might ask. I’m glad that you raised the question. I write for a comedy website, and it just so happens that our big “business” is in comic books. I do not know everything about comic books (nor comedy) but that is not what I am here to do. I am here to enrage nerds nerdier than me, and I am surprised by the legion of angry nerds that actually are much nerdier than me- I thought I was an extreme, turns out I’m more MOR than MOR adult oriented radio.

In any case, I have taken, in the past year, to doing research for these articles by reading metric buttloads of comics. For these smackdowns, I quite often go back to the beginning. When I wanted to find out more about Batman, I read a DC treasury of the early Batman comics. X-Men? Same deal, I went straight back to the Lee/Kirby stuff, first twenty issues, and then I read the first fifty Claremont issues, before he turned the suck dial up to 10. I have read many, many, many origin stories, and many, many, many early narratives. I have come to a few conclusions which I think may be pertinent to my discussion of the winner of this smackdown.

1. Origin stories are way more lame than you remember, and they are only cool now because they have been retold by more effective storytellers than the original writers.

2. Stan Lee and Jack Kirby had WAY too much stuff to do in the early days at Marvel. WAY. In a few days I will post a companion piece to this to demonstrate that Kirby was far from infallible.

I mention this because I am going to give this fight to the JLA. I am giving this fight to the JLA because I hate, hate, HATE the entire early Fantastic Four catalogue. HATE. The other boys will write you plausible stories about how long Sue Richards’ invisible shield can withstand Superman’s x-ray vision, or whatever. The boys are more expert than I, and they will gleefully provide you with fodder to fire your canon at (see what I did there?). I however, am going to tell you why I despise the FF so much.

Stan Lee and Jack Kirby were writing a lot of titles by 1961, but they weren’t rich. Not rich at all. This is why, I believe, that issue 3, and even more so, issue 6 feature huge unnecessary panels showing off the Richards’ super-keen-neato apartment featuring such awesome superhero necessities as a “Giant map room” ( guess what’s in it) and a “projection room and closed circuit TV control” (you know, closed circuit TV, so Thing could watch Sue shower and jack off until he jizzes pebbles?). Then, once Lee and Kirby had a swinging imaginary bachelor pad, they gave their hero a hot girlfriend, and lest he lose Sue to someone else, ruining the adolescent fantasy, Lee and Kirby make sure the other dudes on the team are sexually non-threatening. One dude is related to Sue, and Thingy has a gross penis and is too bumpy for loving (more on Jack Kirby’s “Giant Crotch” phase next week).

Then, they make  with the names: Fantasti-Car! Fantasti-Copter! Faantasti-tarded, you guys. They even have a Bat Signal, but it is a number 4 shaped flare. I know, harping on the plausibility of a firework that can write a boldface number 4 in the sky against all the gamma ray shit is a minor quibble. Nonetheless, it comes out of a normal flare gun. Lamers. And the dialogue, oh Stan the dialogue…

Next time, I’ll pick on the JLA for being a glorified Super Friends, but for now, I hate the Fantastic Four, they suck ass, and I regret the $27.50 Canadian I spent reading the first ten issues that not even Doc Doom can improve. Probably because of all the goddamn Sub-Mariner, and you people know how I feel about his inexplicable motives and his ridiculous tiny ankle-wings.

Winner: JLA

Tbinns

I have a feeling this isn’t going to be the cakewalk everyone says it’s going to be. Let’s have a look at the old tale of the tape here…

The Brains: Superman likes to THINK he’s in charge, but when it comes down to strategy, the Batman will be calling the shots. Reed will be doing the thinking for the FF. Both are geniuses in different ways, one is a tactician, the other a scientist. It’s kind of like pitting Patton against Einstein. Both are masters of the ancient art of Deus Ex Machina, and both have been known to make total DICK moves for the sake of what they deem to be the general good. However since it’s a fight and not a science fair, I have to give the advantage to Bats here.

The Muscle: Superman and Wonder Woman vs. The Thing. Ben would have his hands full with just one of these two. It’s a good thing he is tough and can take a lot because he is about to get his ass whooped. Advantage JLA

The Wildcards: Flash and (giggle) Aquaman vs. The Human Torch. Flash is nigh impossible to take out of any equation, and Aquaman is nigh impossible to take seriously. But if it comes down to Johnny vs. The Flash, I’m giving it to the Flash. So once again JLA.

On paper, it’s pretty cut and dry, let’s see how it goes down…

Batman knows the first order of business is to take Sue Storm out. And not for a nice dinner either. Mr. Fantastic’s main concern, protect the wife, and keep Superman and Wonder Woman at bay.

Fortunately he has had two days to research and plan.

Unfortunately so has Batman. But I think on a gadget to gadget basis, this is the one and only area where Reed is better than Batman.

Both teams are in opposite ends of the arena. There’s a lot of smiling and waving going on. Buzzer sounds…Flash disappears, and so does Sue. Batman shoots his gun and gets taken straight up to the rafters, disappearing into the dark.

“Anybody Know what time it is?” Ben asks.

Aquaman exits stage left.

Wonder Woman charges with an Amazonian battle cry

Superman flies up and aims a heat blast at Reed.

Meanwhile, at the very southernmost tip of South America, The Flash finally stops and puts down Sue.

“Sorry about that, Ma’am” says the Flash. “I hope I didn’t hurt you”

“No problem Dude” says the surprisingly masculine voice “I hope your suit is fireproof”

The blonde wig burns off of Johhny as he lets off a massive heat blast.

Back at the arena, Superman is surprised to find his heat ray has no effect, like there is some kind of shielding going on…

Reed presses the button on a remote, sending a signal to a tower atop a nearby building. The brother sister switcharoo has bought them about a minute and a half…

A blast from Sue sends The JLA Careening backwards

Reed’s plan is going perfectly.

And then phase two…Ben steps out from behind the shield, with a number of green crystals embedded in his skin…”It’s clobberin time” he mutters with a grin.

In South America, The Flash, moving faster than the fire blast, literally runs circles around Johnny until he can’t muster a flame. Then he takes off back for the arena. At that precise moment, an insanely hot South American girl steps onto the beach, and smiles at Johnny.

“Hello there…” he says with a smile. Johnny is out of the fight…he’s gonna be here awhile.

The Thing clocks Superman a good one, sending him skittering across the arena floor. Wonder Woman has no problem with Kryptonite, so she drop kicks Ben in the chest, sending HIM reeling backwards.

Aquaman runs back in with a bucket of water. He climbs in it. “Come on you fuckers” he screams from his bucket…”Come get some!!”

“Where the hell is Wally”? thinks Wonder Woman as she tries to sweep Ben’s legs out from under him, and receives a big stone fist to the midsection for her trouble.

The answer to that question is in a taxi, because the second he set foot in the city, Reed’s well placed device completely dampened his speed force for a 50 mile radius

Superman gets up and is hit with another energy blast.

In the Lobby, the fish in the fish tank really want to help out, but can’t really do anything

Reed stretches himself around Wonder Woman, tying her up, which according to legend, she both hates and really really digs. This leaves Ben to deal with Superman. Sue has disappeared, leaving only the odd energy blast to give any hint of where she is.

“I’m Waaaaitiiiing” screams Aquaman.

The JLA are actually in trouble here

But Batman is never going to be caught without a Plan B. Wearing special energy signature goggles, he finds Sue, and takes her out with a specially designed vibrating anti shield dart. Sue reappears and drops in a heap.

Reed stretches over to check on her and is taken out by the Whatever Plan I Have In My Data Base To Take Out Ralph Dibney Or Plastic Man If They Ever Go Rogue Device (Wayne Enterprises, Patent Pending) This frees Wonder Woman, who combined with Superman (From a distance, with freezing attacks) start whooping the tar out of the Thing.

The Thing does NOT give up however, until Reed wakes up and concedes. Hands are shaken, crowd goes wild. Everyone goes to a little pub on Yancy Street to celebrate a great fight, Except Batman, who has some sulking to do, and the Flash, who shows up at the arena 20 minutes after everyone leaves, owing to Midtown Traffic.

And just to piss off Aquaman, everyone orders fish and chips.

Winner : JLA

But it was NO Cakewalk.

admin_Rock:

The Justice League is arguably the strongest super team ever formed. DC is not known for it’s team books, as they tend to concentrate on the individual heroes. Marvel, on the other hand, makes team books on a whim. In general, DC characters are stronger than Marvel, so it stands to reason that the DC team would be stronger than the average Marvel team. But individual strength does not a team make.

In the lineup for the JLA, you have DC’s Trinity of power, Superman, Batman and Wonder Woman. They alone are more than enough to beat most teams. Add in The Flash and Aquaman, and there’s a lot of power here.

The Fantastic Four have the advantage of being family, and of having worked together pretty much exclusively. They can react like a team in ways other teams can only imagine.

Much debate has been bantered about concerning the Batman Deus Ex Machina, the idea that Batman is the master planner, and that he can prepare for any contingency. I’m stacking that up against the scientific genius of Reed Richards, and I’m saying Reed comes out ahead here. This is because he has the advantage of studying all the parallel earths and discussing the upcoming battle with every other Reed Richards that has time to chat. So this is how it plays out:

The battle horn goes, and Flash moves to end things instantly. He aims to slam in to Sue, but is bounced off of her protective bubble. Simultaneously, he’s knocked unconscious by Reed’s Free-Wave device, built to render the Flash’s powers null and void. The beam encompasses him, knocks him out, and places him in the negative zone, pretty much instantly.

While that’s going on, Ben Grimm has hurtled a railing at Superman. Supes takes great offence to this, and begins knocking The Thing around the arena. Batman is on the run from The Human Torch, who is throwing fire and moving Batman to the side of the arena. Superman is pummeling The Thing into the ground, and notices him laughing. “Why are you laughing?” he asks, in his boring usual tone. “You’re losing.” “Heh”, says Ben Grimm. “Look again”. As Superman looks back towards the others, he sees Wonder Woman and Aquaman lying on the ground, completely out. “That’s our girl”, says The Thing.

For, while the big guns are busy fighting off their assailants, Sue has been busy. She’s formed a small bubble over Aquaman’s head, depriving him of air, and created a tiny bubble inside Diana’s neck, which stops the flow of blood to her head.

Batman sees an opening, and fires an extinguishing foam he’s built for the occasion at The Torch, but while he watches it take effect, he’s blanketed by Mr. Fantastic, who tazes Batman, paralyzing his muscles. Superman charges at Sue, slamming into her defensive shield, knocking her over. Before he’s able to take advantage, he looks up and notices that the arena’s sun has changed to Red, courtesy of Reed’s Spectra-Wave, and He realizes he’s weakening. Then, from behind, he hears “it’s Clobbering Time”, and joins the others in nap.

Game, Set and Match to The Fantastic Four.

Winner: The Fantastic Four

Decision: Split Decision to The Justice League

The Justice League move on to the next round. Tune in next week to see who advances as the USA takes on Canada, as The Avengers battle Alpha Force.

Here at The Correctness, we have access to all kinds of information that the common man is unable to access. Yes, ALL KINDS. We have spies, moles, quislings, carrier pigeons, and heavyset dudes with cameraphones parked out in strategic locations.

All of this so we can bring you breaking comic news as it happens. Today’s exclusive, the plotlines from Marvel comics for the year 2011. Read on, True Believer!

AVENGERS: With the recent reformation of the Avengers following Dark Reign, Marvel has introduced a number of books: Avengers, New Avengers, Secret Avengers, Avengers Academy, Pet Avengers.

NEW: This coming year, Marvel introduces Friends of Avengers, I was an Avenger, Working for the Avengers, Avengers Polling Well in the 18-25 Demo,Avengers: Miami, Avengers SVU, The Late Show with the Avengers, The Walking Avengers, Avengers II: Electric Boogaloo. (Note: Wolverine will be featured in ALL of these titles).

PLOTLINES: The Avengers will head in to action this year against such noted villains as Kang, Hydra, Kang, Red Skull, Kang, and Doctor Doom, who turns out to be Kang in disguise. Also, the team will be disbanded after they discover the new Captain America has been employing illegal immigrants. Later, they will reform into Gold and Blue strike teams (each featuring Wolverine), and a special “secret” team, led by Wolverine. After Chris Claremont complains, those teams will be brought together in an event book called RE-REASSEMBLED!, which will see the team combine into a giant fighting force of 68 members, all with the single goal of stopping Kang.

FANTASTIC FOUR: The Fantastic Four will lose a team member this year, in a storyline designed to shock the Marvel Universe to its very core.

NEW: No new titles to be added, as the “Rebirth” of the FF will be saved until after the Avengers have worn out their welcome.

PLOTLINES: After the tragic death of Sue Storm Richards, the Team is in the verge of being torn apart with guilt and accusation. At the behest of Valeria, Logan comes to the team and through lengthy discussion, unites them as one, and agrees to stay on permanently. Ben Grimm will also be cured, allowing him to revert to human form. For 3 issues. Then, it’s back to rocky for him.

X-MEN: The X-men are attempting to recover from the aftermath of Second Coming, which brought the end of Cable, and the restoration of mutants on earth through the “trigger” power of Hope.

NEW: Only 5 new titles in the X-Universe this year. Logan’s X-Universe, Deadpool: “I’m the Lobo of the Oughts”, Deadpool: “How is No One Sick of Me Yet?”, Wolverine: Dark Pants, and X-ercise.

PLOTLINES: The X-men struggle trying to gain acceptance in a world that doesn’t want them, regardless of how many times they stop the destruction of the planet. Magneto is affected by an EMP pulse, and becomes evil once again, until he knocked on the head by a falling tree, which allows him to regain his gentle side and join the X-Men once again. Also, Mr. Sinister is attacked by the Sentinals, which causes him to shift allegiance, and join the X-Men. While squaring off against the remnants of the Hellfire Club, a sudden change of heart leaves the X-Men scrambling to find enough bedrooms on Utopia.

THE REST

Titles like Spider-Man, Daredevil, Iron Man, etc will also be seeing some changes this coming year.

Spider-Man will permanently become partners with Wolverine, solving mysteries from a small detective agency. A lot of the “heat” will come from the will-they-or-won’t-they aspect.

Daredevil is moving in a new direction, with the title character in charge of the Hand. He will begin franchising out, with at least 6 different teams (all of which include Logan).

Iron Man will move in a radical new direction, as Tony Stark will be killed off, and replaced with a mysterious Canadian character, who will redesign the gauntlets to allow for a certain natural feature.

That’s all the news we have from Marvel, though we’re hoping to hear back from our inside man at DC, who teased us with the following: “Hey guys, big news from DC, can’t say too much yet, but check this: 10 new titles, all written by a certain fellow with the intials G.J.”

See you Soon!

It’s time people.

Here are the brackets for the Superteam Smackdown:

Week 1: The Defenders (Doctor Strange, Namor, Silver Surfer, and The Hulk) versus The Watchmen (Dr. Manhattan, Rorschach, Nite Owl, Comedian, Ozymandius)

Week2 : The JLA (Superman, Wonder Woman, Flash, Batman, Aquaman) Vs. The Fantastic Four (Reed Richards, Sue Richards, Johnny Storm and the Thing)

You: Woah Woah, Woah AQUAMAN? They CHOSE AQUAMAN?

Us: Yep.

TOMASS: Sweeet!!!

YOU: Where the hell is Green Lantern?

US: He’s on the Green Lantern Corps team

YOU: Okay, so where is the Green Lantern Corp?

US: On a press junket for the upcoming Ryan Reynolds movie. (We are a little gun shy of the Lanterns after last time).

YOU: Oh you guys suck!!

US: That reminds me, This time we are offering a prize for the best insult in the talkback section. Unleash your nerd rage creatively and we will send you a limited edition Correctness T-Shirt. Shall we continue?

WEEK 3 : The Avengers (Thor, Iron Man, Captain America, Hawkeye, Giant Man) versus Alpha Flight (Guardian, Puck, Sasquatch, Shaman, Snowbird)

WEEK 4: X-men (Cyclops, Wolvie, Jean, Colossus, and Rogue) Versus The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen (Mina, Quartermain, Mr. Hyde, The Invisible Man and Captain Nemo)

YOU: Alpha Flight is in, and the Lanterns are OUT?

US: Canadian Content Laws. FCC. Our hands are tied. Now, if you please…if you keep interrupting, we’ll never get through this.

YOU: What about side cards?

US: Sigh… We couldn’t stop RobbieRobTown if we tried.

RULES:

-The two day prep, fight in an arena still applies.

-No outside interference from people who are NOT on your team. Ie: No stunts from Franklin and Professor X. Your team is your team and that’s who you’ve got.

-Heroes with Multiple team affiliations can only fight for 1 team

- Only 5 members max per team. Current lineups are based on our choices, as we are awesome.

-Remember, this speculation is based on the TEAM MEMBERS we have assembled. Yes, the results would have been very different if Professor X was on the Team, or Green Lantern, or Martian Manhunter or whomever. But they aren’t, so the results are based on who we’ve got. However, having said that…

-You have 1 week before the first round starts, so argue passionately and intelligently about why so and so should be on a particular team and we MAY do a few substitutions. However, once the tournament starts, it’s locked in.

So there it is. Let’s keep it clean (ish) and have fun out there!

(Note: This is a repost)

Here at The Correctness SportsishNetwerkkz, we offer our be-all-end-all absolutely correct answers on which supervillains would win in a fight. Lex Luthor has bankrolled the competition.Which of the 8 will come out on top? The playoffs continue this week in the Pengrowth Deathdrome. It’s brutal, ugly, violent, and soul rending…and that’s just the comment section!!!

The Rules, and the Bracket were laid out in advance, in this post. Two days of prep, battle is held in the stadium, and it’s to the death. Game on.

This week Dr. Doom vs. Venom! For our purposes, we are all about classic non ultimate Doom and Eddie Brock Venom

Rob:

One of the things I find funniest about this process is that it forces us to quantify the skills of super types. These things should be inherently unquantifiable- Who would win in a fight, a grizzly bear, or a tiger? Who cares? I’ll take 4 tickets, please. Now, I know the controversy we generate is based entirely by the idea of comparing fictional villains, and that’s all the fun of what we do here, but we do it for giggles. Nonetheless, it always irked me as a kid when comparisons were drawn between heroes for non-comedic reasons. I always feel like the mathematical and statistical comparisons made my heroes less heroic. Hockey Cards used to do this. In 1989, I could tell you for sure that hometown hero Lanny McDonald was the greatest hockey player of all time, but a quick look at any of the Upper-Deck hockey cards from that era confirms that Gretzky was a pretty good player, actually. I bring this all up because I was bummed out when my 1990 set of Marvel Cards listed every piece of information about all the heroes and villains, and broke them down to sports statistics, compared them to each other, reduced them to , uh, countable stuff.

As such, I thought I should take this battle straight out of the charts-n’-graphs Marvel universe, and run this purely on the numbers! My data can’t be disputed!

Venom, at 6′3″ and 260 lbs, is 1″ taller than Doom, and outweighs him by 35 pounds! If that isn’t a whole weight division or two, I don’t know what is. I really don’t know what is, I am much too nerdy for boxing or mixed martial arts. As an aside, MMA fighting seems a touch too huggy and cuddly to me- you know, lots of rolling on the floor and being sweaty, like a combination of junior high wrestling class and what I imagine sex to be like, if I ever have sex. As of 1990, Doom had a 32% win ratio, whereas Venom has a 36% win ratio. In the Good Doctor’s favour, he has fought 393 battles, and Venom only 115.

Other Factors: Doc Doom has a metal mask, and Venom is a discarded space-unitard.

Despite the various intricacies, I still think heavyweight Venom is going to take this one, because anyone that outweighed me by 35 pounds and smelled like Peter Parker’s sweaty crotch would be a force to be reckoned with. I think Doc Doom probably smells pretty good, he’s European. well, Eastern European, so maybe he smells like sausage. Still, anyone who has ever worn workout clothing knows crotch smells worse than sausage.

Winner: Venom
Loser: Sausage Sales

DAVE

This is a tricky fight, mostly because I’m on vacation this week, and had a lot of trouble finding somewhere to write my post. Thus, it will be short, sweet, and not at all noteworthy.

On the one hand, we have Venom, who is an alien symbiote. I’m assuming whomever wrote the preamble to this week’s smackdown had the sense to define Venom as the Eddie Brock version, because that’s the only one I give a crap about. Venom is a terrible character. He was invented as a way to keep the cool black Spider-Man costume, but he’s a terrible, terrible character. Don’t even get me started on Carnage, et al. Anyone who thinks the next Spider-Man movie should be the Maximum Carnage storyline, you should stop reading this, go to your local comic book store, and ask the owner to introduce you to some ACTUAL quality stories.

Doctor Doom, on the other hand, is pure awesome. The main villain from the Fantastic Four, which served as my introduction to comics, back in the John Byrne days. He’s smart, evil, and encased in metal. Also, he’s awesome. Wait, I said that already.

So, the fat kid in the the Aeropostale shirt is glaring at me, either he needs to use this computer, or he’s a Carnage fan. Short, sweet.

No matter how badass Venom thinks he is, Doom has already thought of 12 ways to defeat him. Venom charges in,Doom pulls out a sonic disruptor, and sonics the crap out of the symbiote until it oozes away. Then he offers Eddie Brock a job. After Brock accepts, Doom blasts him anyway. Evil.

Winner: Dr. Doom

Tony

The problem with a bracket type set up is that invariably there will be some mismatches in which someone gets their ass handed to them. Someone gets utterly humiliated, owned, washed, dried, folded neatly, put away, pulled out again, gang fucked, and then donated to the Salvation Army.
In this particular instance it is a certain alien symbiote you will see hanging next to a 5 dollar tweed jacket. What I’m trying to say here is that Dr. Doom wouldn’t even break a sweat kicking Eddie’s ass. And considering he’s wearing full armor under warm stadium lights that is saying something. He is used to taking on 4 different superpowers at once, with both technology and magic. Venom is, as the kids say, screwed. So instead of my usual scenario based description of the ownage, I present to you a list of ways in which Venom would lose horribly.
Enjoy.
1) Sonics emanate from the armour. Symbiote screams and melts away like Ice cream. Doom strolls over, puts the symbiote in a jar, and punches Eddy in the face with a gauntlet
2) Doom clones Squirrel Girl. Rodent hijinks ensue
3) Venom lunges at Doom, only to run smack into a portal back to the symbiotes home planet. Doom seals the portal, and enjoys a bag of mini donuts while waving at the crowd.
4) Hundreds of doombots reprogrammed to look and behave like Spider-man descend on Venom, who promptly freaks the fuck out
5) Venom hits Doom with a web, and drags his ass across where he can get in close, He takes Doom’s head off with 1 stroke. Nothing but sparks and wires. Doom’s laughter echoes throughout the arena. 500 Dr. Dooms enter…which one is the real one? By the time Venom finds out, he’s dead.
6) Doom pulls a Dr. Strange and summons a demon to keep Brock busy. Even if he lives after that, he’s in no shape to face Doom
7) Doom watches Eddy throw himself uselessly against his force field. Eventually he gets bored and electrocutes him.
Doom hits his remote control and Nickleback starts playing from the speakers. Venom runs away in horror, conceding defeat. Yes, Doom would sink that low. He has no scruples.

The combo of genius, technology and the occult is just too much to take for Spider-man on roids. There can be no question that this one goes to Dr. Doom.

Winner :Victor Von Doom

Decision: Victor Von Doom

Next week: Joker vs. Magneto. Come on, admit it, you are intrigued!

————————————————————-

Part 3 in our series in which we deny up and down that it is a piss poor excuse to post pictures of hot actresses. This justification comes from our earnest belief that some of our favorite Comic Book Heroines have been horribly miscast, and we suggest a few alternatives. Today we recast Sue Storm from the Fantastic Four. Not that it would help salvage two shitty films (I can’t believe they dangled the Silver Surfer in front of me and made me pay to see a second one.), but hey, it’s a start.

Who is being recast?

Jessica Alba.

Okay, it’s not a hotness contest. I’ve seen Sin City…I get it. She is a very attractive woman. A very attractive BRUNETTE LATINA WOMAN!!!! I could almost forgive the blonde hair and the blue eyes that make her look weird and creepy…IF she was a good enough actress to make it worth it. But we all know she’s stiffer than fanboy at a convention full of Princess Leia slavegirls. She was by no means the only, or even the biggest problem with those movies, but lord in heaven she sure wasn’t good. Let’s see if we can do better shall we?

Honorable Mentions

Amber Heard

Jessica Alba was cast solely on her sex appeal it seems, so if you are going for young sex appeal, as opposed to what the part actually calls for, why not go with an actual blue eyed blonde? Personally I think she’s too young for the part, but she was pretty good in Pinapple express, and Zombieland so if you are going to err on the side of hotness, you could do worse than Amber here.

Scarlett Johannsen

I wish I could put my finger on why I feel she is not quite right for the part, even though on paper everything seems to be perfect. She would certainly have the box office draw, lord knows the nerdlings are drooling at the prospect of her playing Black Widow already and that film isn’t even out until May. I guess I put her on here because it seems like a good fit, even though something indefinable is missing. Oh well, moving on…

Alison Lohman

Geek cred from a Sam Raimi horror film goes a long way toward making sure the target audience is happy. She is just on her way up, after a couple of solid performances, I think this could be a great way to really kick start her into the mainstream.

January Jones

She actually made my top 3 until I saw her on Saturday Night Live. Eeeeeee…….ooooohhhh …..ouch. Somebody referred to it as a “Hot Mess” I concur. But she does good work on Mad Men, so let’s give her the benefit of the doubt and say that live comedy and cue cards just aren’t her thing and include her on the honorable mention list.

Hey, you know what would be funny?

Don’t cast anyone at all. Just have the actors talk to an empty space all the time. “Still stuck in invisible mode Sue? Hmmm, I’ll have to work on that…but first, Dr. Doom is back in town!!!”

Makes me laugh, anyway.

The “If I Had a Time Machine Award” goes to…

Grace Kelly circa 1953

Although it would be criminal to have somebody who looks like that playing someone invisible.

And Now…

THE TOP THREE

3. Elizabeth Banks

Every geek knows that Betty Brandt was way hotter than Mary Jane in the Spider-Man movies. She’s got the right look, good comic timing, and comic book movie experience. What more could you want?

2. Kristen Bell

Wanna start a geek stampede to the theatre? Cast internet favourite Kristen Bell, Patron Goddess of the Fanboy nation.. I’ve seen her do some outstanding work in Deadwood,and Forgetting Sarah Marshall, although I have not seen Veronica Mars, and I don’t watch Heroes. Plus, look at this picture…

The only way that could look more like Sue Storm is if there was an Atlantean in a speedo leering at her in the background.

And my #1 choice for Sue Storm…

Naomi Watts

I can see this woman being the mother of Franklin Richards, the object of Namor’s desire, and someone who will fuck you up if you cross her or her family. She looks right, is the right age, and has the acting chops to pull it off. Naomi wins it hands down.

So…who did I miss? Let me know.

Next week there is another Storm coming, but this one DEFINITELY doesn’t include Halley Berry!

See you then.