Even though many of your people have never yet been enticed by the subtle delicacy that is Nerd Love, in time, you will find yourself inexplicably tempted. You will find yourself drawn to nerds like a moth to a plasma stream, or , possibly, a flame. We will draw you in with our intense passion for very specific things, we will draw you in with our charming inability to admit to being wrong about said things, we will draw you in with our extensive collections of things- Come to think of it, I’m not sure what our exact appeal is, but every year more and more non nerdy people find themselves suddenly and inextricably attracted to nerds, and you will need some advice. Oh- even if you didn’t need advice, we are going to give you some advice, rest assured of that if nothing else. Advice will be given, and you can smile quietly to yourself and tell us to go back to our RPGs.
How does one seduce a nerd, you ask yourself? That’s easy. Offer it sex. Did it refuse? It did? In all likelihood, you may have some serious work to do then.

Seducing a Boy Nerd (straight):

This is the easiest type of nerd to seduce. They are likely going to be so grateful that you are showering them with sexy affection that they will do anything- ANYTHING- to please you (see T Binns stand up act circa 2006 to present). Anything. In fact, if you are a gay man trying to seduce a straight nerd might be worth a try, if they didn’t already have strangely specific tastes for Hollywood actresses related to science fiction genre film and television. They don’t know Mila Jovovich doesn’t care who they are, and she might not be passionate about zombies in her real life, they only know she is related to zombies and therefore hot.
In any case, you can seduce them, and bend them to your will somewhat. I say somewhat because there is an argument coming. The inevitability of this argument is so uh, not evitable that it simply cannot be evitablated. If you haven’t done your research, and you cross your boy nerd on something specific, he might be willing to sacrifice the entire relationship to make his point. He might say something so cutting and harsh to you that you will feel stupid for years. There is a savage streak of correctness in most male nerds that defies their social standing. The nerdier the man, the more caustic and critical this argument will be. You will be left feeling so genetically inferior you will do anything to date a dumb jock like you did in high school- someone with pretty eyes who is deeply concerned with their resting heart rate…
One thing that makes it all worthwhile- if you want to be looked at like the single most beautiful creature in the world, and you have always wondered what it would be like to receive a look of pure adoration, kiss that nerd.

Seducing a Boy Nerd (gay):

This is one of those things that should be easy to, in theory. Since the nerd population is so overwhelmingly male, gay men seeking gay nerds should find the nerdy territory easy to navigate. Nerds are used to being not quite accepted by the mainstream, nerds are used to being misunderstood, nerds know the heartbreaking feeling of loving someone you can’t have, the whole nerd thing is totally gay. But, if you are a sexy gay hipster, and you have eased your way into the gay community by developing a taste for sexy gay hipster things like 1940’s cinema, and interior design (stereotypes come from somewhere boys, that’s why everyone thinks I’m gay- well, that and my effete demeanour) you may need to reach into your childhood and access the pop-cultural touchstones that raised you. Surely, Star Trek, with all its messages of tolerance and the trials of love appeals to you? Perhaps something inherently asexual like GI Joe? Find your common ground.
There is a class of gay nerd that really knows musicals. This is one of those delicate sub-nerd genres that leans towards cool in certain circles. You know, like car-nerds, or or baseball-statistic-nerds. God knows, it’s all equally annoying, but these sub-genres require a delicate touch- your nerd might not even be aware he is a nerd!

Seducing a Girl Nerd (Gay or Straight):

If you are attempting to seduce a girl nerd, you will be surprised by several things. One, it will be relatively easy, initially, to be more charming than the competition, and two, there will be an endless supply of lovestruck nerdy suitors (primarily male, no matter how gay your partner may be) trying to outnerd each other for your partner. Boy nerds love girl-nerds, they are the elusive white tigers of a vast forest of, uh, non-white tigers. Your real competition will come when these boy nerds assail your would-be girlfriend with a barrage of inimitable come-ons, some so elaborate you couldn’t believe. Trust me, I know of which I speak here, a nerd with time and a crush is an unstoppable force. Rest assured, they have spent their life savings to spell out your girlfriend’s name in flaming letters made of home-made napalm which they googled the recipe for at the public library to avoid incriminating themselves on their home computers. Your main job isn’t the seduction of your girl nerd, but the defense of her.

A personal story here:

Me: (jokingly)Hey, they make suspension forks for mountain bikes, but they don’t make suspension forks for the dinner table.

Unavailable Girl: What?

Me: I said: they should make suspension forks for the dinner table, you know, to cushion the blow while you cut your steak.

Unavailable Girl: That is the stupidest thing I ever heard.

Me: Oh, it’s been broughten.

1 MONTH LATER

Me: ( Producing a dinner fork with the middle section of the handle removed and replaced with a spring based suspension system I designed myself so the fork handle compressed when you plunged it into food) Here you go.

Unavailable Girl: WTF? Wow.

DO NOT underestimate the seriousness of the nerdy completion. I’ve played the “nice guy” card a billion times, and it’s easy for me because I’m actually a nice guy (see how that works? Build the image, then be prepared to follow through). While I prefer them single and hypothetically available, I have seen many nerds swoop in on your unattended girlfriend, charm her with a dizzying array of colourful objects, poems, and home-made suspension forks, and then after she breaks up with you (ONLY after she breaks up with you) spend one passionate but confusing night with her, only to have her return to you. Such is the way of things.

Well, pitter patter kids, 1/3 of The Correctness is still single and ready to be snapped up! Don’t forget to refer to our article “Nerd Fight” to get advice on ending it when you tire of me!

Finally, Karnes the Barbarian was to be Karnes the King.

After being born to the lowest peasantry, sold into slavery and having travelled the many lands of Albanon, from one great ocean to another, after tireless years of seeking his true path, Karnes had found a kingdom of his own.

Karnes was in his chamber awaiting the coronation. The morning sun shone down upon his kingdom, and into his royal quarters. His heart swelled as he sipped the last of his sweet , dark coffee, which had come imported from the hot desert lands of Baranuir to the south. He held aloft his enchanted sword Xarxis, and gazed upon himself in the Mirror of Agnor- a hard won trophy from the hideous Pits of Krundoon, where he had battled the She-Witch Garlac and her giant spider apprentice Fuzzlebutt the Wicked. Karnes set aside Xarxis, and his flagon of coffee as the faintest gurgle passed through his bowels. If that was nerves then so be it. He had faced many terrors in his life, and a slightest burbling in his gut was a small price to pay for his day of exaltation!

He watched in the mirror as maidens of the palace oiled his rippling muscles, and scented him with sweet perfumes. Another maiden combed his hair with a comb of the finest dragon bone- If she could only imagine the effort to escape the cave of the Great Red Dragon Wardick alive- let alone with dragon bones in tow! How these maidens would have loathed him as a mercenary so many years ago, but how they loved him now as their High King!

Karnes finished another flagon of coffee (so dutifully refilled by his many comely servants), when something occurred to him. Yes, he had slain the Ogres of Tangle’s Deep, yes he had tricked the Warlock King of Hellsbridge Meadows (Oh, if only the Warlock King had survived to see Hellsbridge meadows become “Hellsbridge Meadows Resort Developments Inc.”, Karnes’ sweet revenge would have been all the sweeter) , yes he had climbed the insurmountable peaks of Zordan, but at the moment, he thought to himself, after all his achievements “ I could really take a dump right now. That would totally smooth out this coronation”.
Alas, in came his Chancellor, his old friend, Greggg(g). “My Liege!”, said Greggg(g), “ The whole kingdom awaits you in the courtyard! Soon, as you stand on the balcony of your mighty castle, you will be crowned and be triumphant at last, the High King of Karnessia!”

“Truly!” said Karnes. “But first, I wonder if I have time…”. But there was no time, not for the poop he was beginning to think he really should have taken ten minutes ago. If this was to be his coronation, he thought to himself, it would’ve been nice to not have his mind on those Elven Bran Cakes he had this morning. “No matter,” he reassured himself, “this is the destiny I have sought my whole life!”.

Outside, on the vast palace balcony, he could see hundreds of thousands of his loyal subject gathered below in the grand courtyard of his noble city- his noble city, now known forever as Karnes City. Atop the balcony were his truest friends, his courtiers, all manner of things a slave boy could scarcely have dreamed while at the whips of his former masters- Masters long since slain and whose families Karnes had chased to the four winds. Oh, rest assured, he had heard the lamentations of their women. That’s one of those things that’s best in life when you’ve been in the barbarian business so long.

Karnes looked back over his shoulder to the antechamber. “I wonder”, he thought to himself “If I just slipped out for like, 5 minutes, the orchestra could play one more song, I could take that poo, and I could come back for the coronation and give it my full attention”. But no, the ceremonial torches had been lit, and a hush fell over the crowd. His thoughts turned briefly to the “Feast of A Thousand meats” last night. That was some party, but By Crom’s Beard, that was a lot of meat.

The Vice Regent came forward to address the throng below. An aging man who served so long as the steward of the crown, he spoke aloud, in a voice that carried clear as a mountain stream across the mighty plaza below. “Karnes!” he cried “You have defeated the great serpents, you have rid the land of the orc scourge, and you have won the hearts of the people! In you we have found the true king that prophecy has foretold for nigh on 1000 years!

The massive crowd burst into clamorous cheering and applause, but a hush fell upon them as the ceremony continued.

Karnes smiled benignly. He was starting to get the butt sweats. He hated the butt sweats. ‘Oh man, finally, King, oh man, I really hope this doesn’t take too long…”. He squeaked out a small but particularly rank fart. Yes, it was past time Karnes took that dump, but the timing was worse now than ever. To be frank, Karnes only got the butt sweats in two situations: When he was bitten and poisoned to within seconds of his mortal doom by Fuzzlebutt the Wicked, and when he really had to drop a log. Half the reason he had so thoroughly slain Fuzzlebutt and his master the She-Witch was because it made him so damn cranky to feel like he did when he was yearning to cop a squat. Slew? Slain? Oh, t’was truly poopin’ time, to be sure.

Karnes caught the eye of his great faithful friend Greggg(g), and gave him a pleading look and a quick head jerk towards the antechamber to indicate his plan. Greggg(g), having caught a whiff of the stale winds that emerged from the mighty barbarian’s toned buttocks, simply locked eyes with Karnes and shook his head ‘No!”.

Karnes watched as the 13 virgins bearing censers walked around him, all 37 times as required by the Prime Number Directive. Not even a baker’s dozen of hot, naked virgins could distract Karnes form the bloaty, tectonic feeling of a monstrous poop-mole bursting forth from his freshly dug butt burrow. Normally, 13 virgins would be need enough for Karnes to have to start thinking about something boring, but right now there was only one thing on his mind: his royal commode and the silken wipes which lay beside it. Possibly an old “Far Side gallery”.

The ceremony went on for hours, parade after unending parade of dignitaries, of oracles, of symbolic boulder tossing. Karnes was even feeling a bit half-hearted when it came time to be suspended in the royal silks and be reborn to the people, despite how fun that rigging looked.

Finally, as the ceremony wound to a close, Karnes was smiling widely, and proudly, as if a great weight had been lifted off his shoulders. He took a fresh joy in the moment and knew that this would truly be one of his greatest days, the culmination of all that he had ever wanted, past, and present, and even future.

The Vice Regent held aloft his hands and once again the tremendous crowd below was rapt, hushed, and utterly silent.

“It is time” cried the Vice Regent. “Speak oh King!”

Karnes stepped forward to the precipice of the great balcony, the warmest smile on his face that any man could wear. He turned quickly back to his faithful friend Greggg(g) and gave him a look of supreme confidence. Greggg(g) was elated to see such a shift in Karnes’ mood.

“People of the High Kingdom of Karnessia!” called Karnes, his voice carrying more joy and pride than any they had heard for so long.

He continued. “About an hour ago, I, Karnes, your High King, shit my pants.”

From the crowd below came first, silence. Then, the sound of one lone man clapping in a slow rhythm.

Soon, like dominoes, a tremendous ovation burst forth from the gathered masses. Freedom, finally, for the citizens of Karnessia. The size and duration of the joyous celebration below was only very slightly overwhelmed , in the subtlest way, by a new and pervasive poop smell wafting up from the manifold denizens of Karnessia.

Freedom, freedom at last. Crom has given Karnessia a noble new leader, and we now, can poop our pants whenever.

And that’s why, on the festival of the summer solstice, you wash your damn hands before you eat the Feast of A Thousand Meats. Is that understood?