So last night I went and saw X-men First Class, which, may I just take a moment to say, was Awesomesauce.

AWESOMESAUCE – adj. 1.) The state of being so awesome you make your own gravy. 2) The preferred topping on an awesomesundae.

A big reason First Class works is Michael Fassbender, who despite having an accent that wandered more than the Littlest Hobo, was fantastic, believable and yes even sympathetic as Magneto. It was a fall from grace super villain origin that worked on just about every level, and it made me think of a very similar fall from grace in a prequel that really didn’t. I refer of course to “Bring It On 4: The Bringitonenning”. But it also reminded me of Anakin’s turn to the Dark Side in the Star Wars prequels. Here we have two classic mega villains who are universally loved and embraced by the geek community, who hit a LOT of the same touchstones on their way to villainhood, but one worked and one makes us cringe and whine and bitch on the internet. Why is that? Well, I’ll tell you…

BE WARNED: I’ll be talking about plot details in First Class quite a lot, so if you haven’t seen First Class yet, a) Go already, what the hell is wrong with you? and b) there will be spoilers here.

1) Mommy Dearest.

In both cases, the young budding villains lose their respective mothers, which causes them to lose their shit. Anakin cuts down an entire colony of Sandpeople, Erik crushes Nazi helmets with Nazi skulls still in them, and mentally rearranges a torture room to more accurately reflect his state of mind.

The difference is in context. Anakin has a vague feeling that something is wrong. He goes back to Tatooine, finds his already dying mother and takes out a bunch of sandpeople we never knew or cared about. Why do sandpeople capture and torture humans? How can that possibly help them survive in the harsh desert of Tatooine? There is no motive, they pop in to serve the story, and leave it just as quickly. We don’t care that he killed them all anymore than we care about the stormtroopers that die. It has no emotional weight. We shrug it off the same way Padme does.

Erik was THERE. He saw it happen. It was cold, calculated and cruel, and his rage is justifiable. Already there are stakes, and it serves not only to get a greater understanding of where Magneto is coming from…but what makes Shaw tick as well. Even though he is just a young boy, we can already see hints of what he will eventually become. Anakin?

Not so much.

And when Erik crushes a room with his mind, we feel the anguish, and the devastation. He just lost his whole world in an instant because he couldn’t move a coin. Do we get that when Vader decides to crush a room with his mind? Let’s ask the man himself.

Hey Darth, does this scene have any emotional depth at all?

Is it any way believable?

Is there any way a Star Wars fan won’t be horribly embarrassed by this scene?

Is George Lucas going to give me my money back?

I didn’t think so.

2. The Mentor Tormentor

In both instances, our heroes have good in them (That others can sense, conveniently enough, Thanks Charles and Luke) but are ultimately corrupted by an Evil Mentor. As Erik so aptly put it “I’m Frankenstein’s Monster… and I’m looking for my creator.” First Class starts this corruption from Erik’s childhood, with Shaw teaching him the hard way that rage and pain and anger will make him powerful. The Emperor essentially teaches Vader the same thing but in a more offhand way. He mentions the death of his mother, but he didn’t actually kill her. He implies that he MIGHT be able to save Padme (From what? a bad dream that Anakin is having?) Apparently that is enough. Up to this point, Anakin is essentially good. He’s petulant…a little arrogant…but nothing to suggest he’s ready to full on embrace evil. Then, he makes a snap decision. Mace Windu dies, and Anakin, this good person, is suddenly ready to murder a bunch of children, no questions asked.

Erik is corrupted by hate from the very beginning. It’s what sustains him. Even when working with Charles it consumes him. He knows deep inside that the man who he hates so much has made him into what he is today, and by the end, he accepts that, and becomes Magneto. He isn’t even at odds with Shaw philosophically…and he takes up his mantle (and his helmet)…but he is the master now, and it won’t do to have the man who killed his mother alive. The tragedy here is the friendship that he sacrifices (His ONLY close friend, really) for his cause… to ensure freedom and prosperity for his kind. The very best villains are the ones with understandable motivations, ones who THINK they are doing the right thing… and in Magneto’s place I’m not sure I wouldn’t do the same.

3)Casting.

this is a cardboard cut out. Or is it?

Let’s be fair and say that George Lucas dialog is a tough thing to do believably…it takes a special kind of talent to get a mouthful of cheese out without looking like a complete ass. But that said…you could have kept looking, George. You settled…and in settling helped permanently damage one of the great iconic movie villains of our time. Hayden Christianson’s eyes look dead bored, he mumbles and whines, and he does little to make us feel anything.

Fassbender on the other hand, maintains his Connery cool while still letting us see why he is the way he is. The scene where Charles taps into his memories to find a happy one, to give him the serenity he needs to control his power is simple and beautiful. The camera stays on Fassbenders face, a memory of lighting candles with his mother imposed over it and a single tear rolls down. Then Charles, having shared the memory, wipes one away himself. It’s beautifully acted, simple and moving.

Anakin has a temper tantrum about how Obi Wan is holding him back.

Ugh.

4) Fulfilling Destiny

Although ideally we should feel for the fallen hero…some part of us is excited that he has become the villain we all love to hate. One of the first acts our new villain does is bust a telepath out of jail to replace the one he had. It’s smart, dramatic and there is no question that Erik is gone and Magneto is here to stay. And he rocks the helmet.

To paraphrase Patton Oswalt…“Yeah at the end, Darth Vader’s just kinda looking at the Death Star and he’s all sad.” Is that any way to give birth to the greatest screen villain of our time?

So there you have it. They both lost their moms, crush rooms with their minds, turn their back on their friends and wear goofy helmets… but that is definitely where the similarities end.

So do yourself a favour go see X-men First Class, which is, I think the best X-men movie yet. Or at the very least…read this again.

Stay tuned next week for the Beast versus Ewok Smackdown.

Vader & Me: An Intimate interview.

I arrived a Lord Vader’s Beverly Hills mansion.  LIke most of the homes in the area, Vaderland was a product of years of renovations, and the most recent changes were still in progress.“I’m sorry about the state of the place,” he said as he strode out to meet me from the grand entryway. “I’m using the same contractors as we used on the Death Star, and they tend to run behind schedule.”

He was out of full uniform, and today instead of a jet-black cape he was sporting a cotton Roots track jacket. He saw me looking him up and down, and he laughed lightly. “I picked this up in Banff on a ski trip. You’d be surprised what great discounts you can get on clothes of you choke the sales people with your mind.” I laughed, hoping that was a joke.

He lead me past an army of grey suited construction workers, all in Imperial military garb. He turned his head slightly to me as we made our way further inside. “They unionized since I last used them. I’d choke the whole bunch, but, Christ, the paperwork on the worker’s comp…”

The Dark Lord of the Sith lead me into the kitchen. It was an antiqued French- Provincial affair, marble counters and carefully faded painted wooden cabinets. “I’ve always wanted a kitchen like this. After the austerity of the Super Star Destroyer, I wanted a place that could be the heart of my home. I had them finish it first.”

Vader carefully opened up a window in the rather spacious breakfast “nook” and called up a playlist on the stereo. Dave Brubeck, Glen Miller, Fats Waller, a disparate jumble of jazz. With a guilty air, he drew a single Lucky Strike from a crumpled cardboard pack, lit it, and blew the smoke out the window. “It’s a bad habit I picked up on the Death Star II. I was going through a lot with my son, and my boss was being such a dick… I should quit, I mean, with a voice like this already…”

We chatted benignly about some of his house plans. None were what you would expect from a Jedi turned wrong, but his passion for his architectural preferences was disarming. ‘It’s all about function,” he continued “I mean, all those years in a galaxy far, far away, and all I wanted was to sit in a goddamn functional chair- look!” he indicated emphatically to the wooden chair he was on “It has arms! ARMS!” He finished his cigarette hastily, as though some one would reprimand him for smoking inside of his own house. “I had one great chair- you know the one, the throne inside the two metal cones?” he asked. I told him I remembered it. “That was a hell of a chair,” he continued, “A hell of a chair. Had a TV in it, and I could air out my scarred scalp. You know, helmet rash…”

He rose from the table. “I’m making breakfast for lunch, are you joining me?”. How could I say no? Before long there were some whole-wheat pancakes, sliced fruit, and a generous stack of bacon. “Take as much as you want,” he said, “I’m on a diet.” He patted his leather clad belly for emphasis.

“I suppose we should get down to it?”

It was of course why I was here, and I told him as much.

“No holds barred, as you say on your planet. Ask me anything.”

“What should I call you?” I asked.

“Well, my ‘Lord” title is strictly honourary these days, what with the Rebellion and all. I guess ‘Vader’ is kind of like a last name, but only ObiWan called me ‘Darth”, and I killed him shortly thereafter. You know what? You can call me Anakin.”

“But not ‘Ani’.” I said, hoping the taunt wouldn’t get me swiftly cauterized in twain.

“No, clearly not. Only two people got to call me Ani: My ex-wife, and a retarded jamaican fish man- the latter I tolerated because he was ‘special needs’”.

“Let’s start with your time with the Emperor.” I said. “I think you are most judged by people for that time.”

His breathing apparatus exhaled deeply for him. “ I was a young man when I turned to the dark side. People experiment, I was in love with this crazy hot chick. I mean, God, you should have seen her. The nerds on your planet would lose their minds over a girl like this. But, we broke up. I regret it all, I honestly do. That’s youth though, isn’t it? I mean, hasn’t everyone made mistakes? She was pregnant, I sent her away, I eradicated the Jedi who would have protected her, and then The Emperor told me I’d killed her.” he looked off into the distance wistfully- or as wistfully as a man with a black face mask can look, which it turns out, is pretty wistful.

“I was stuck with Palpatine then. I’d made my bed, I’d murdered all my friends, and I thought my family was dead as well. What I needed was an intervention… But who intervenes when you are so powerful? They’d be like ‘Oh, Lord Vader, we should talk,’ and I’d be all like “CHOKE!”, and then wait a few years until the next guy would try.”

“I know this is no excuse, but I was convinced Obi Wan was two-timing me with Padme.  That’s not a good feeling, just sort of eats you alive. I had to kill Obi Wan a few years later, and the prick just evaporated on me, like, wouldn’t even talk about it.” he paused for a moment to sip his espresso. “I’m being unfair. Nothing happened between those two, but I just couldn’t get the idea out of my head.”

“The younglings?”

“Huge misunderstanding. Huge. First off, were they young? Yes. Were they promising? I suppose from a certain perspective. Do I regret it? Yes, but have you ever smelled a young Jedi? Midichlorians are a microorganism, just like mildew. Or terrible foot fungus. It surrounds us and binds us. Those “adorable kids” smelled like a 2 day old Mon-Calamari hooker corpse in a sauna. It’s not an excuse- I just… Look, would I change a few things? Sure. That wasn’t premeditated. I was in an abusive relationship. The Emperor was controlling my feelings, and when I started to doubt him, he’d shock my balls with blue lightening. Have you ever have your balls electrocuted with pure hate?”

“Can’t say that I have…”

“Well it sucks something fierce, Slugger. It sucks something fierce.”

I couldn’t believe I had Darth Vader in such a cooperative mood. “Tell me about Alderaan,” I asked.

He took another slow intake of breath- or it seemed slower. “That was another big misunderstanding. I get blamed for that, but if people would look at the records, I think they will find that one is on Grand Moff Tarkin. You think the Emperor was bad? Try having that presumptuous prick as your boss. Holding my leash indeed.” he smiled disarmingly- I could tell because the “smile” light lit up on his chest plate.

I laughed quite hard. “You regret it then?”

Vader nodded “I had Alderaanean friends, and I had a hunch my daughter was being raised there- no proof, just a force thing…” he wiped some toast crumbs out of his mouth grille- I realized I hadn’t been watching him eat- how did he do it? No answer was forthcoming. Maybe food just forced it’s way in there somehow. Jedi snack technique.

“AT-ATs and AT-STs”. I said.

“Unbelievable. The wheel is one of the oldest inventions, but we build a military around tanks with legs, so every fuzzy asshole with an axe can defeat our infantry. So enraging.”

“Your kids,” I pressed.

“Okay. Again, abusive relationship- not an excuse, just context. So, I was told they were dead and I thought Palpatine was telling me the truth.  By the time it occurred to me he might be lying, they were older, and we were busy building the first Death Star. I didn’t think they would want to meet me. I posted an ad on Craigslist, hinting something about last Jedi seeks reconnection with family. Fucking Craigslist,” he shook his head.

“When Leia showed up on the Death Star, I knew she was my daughter- Same attitude as her mother, same implausible accent. I couldn’t say anything. I just said “she may be of use to us yet” to buy her some time, and then I had a menacing floating medical ball shoot her full of vitamin b. Luke thought I didn’t know about her. I did the big reveal of that detail in front of The Emperor. I knew all along. I can sense the force, and I’m only THE MOST POWERFUL JEDI OF ALL TIME. God.”

“Ewoks?”, I asked.

“Did I not say fuzzy assholes?” he said, sipping his coffee, somehow, again.

“Darth Maul?”

“Fight I would have liked to have. Instead I get Count Dooku. Sounds like a potty training euphemism- Did you get a visit from Count Dooku? Did you send him to Coruscant? Good boy!”

“Boba Fett?”

“Had more class than his father. Ruthless, just about money. I can get behind that.”

“Where are you in five years?”

He inhaled deeply and waited a moment, considering either the response, or some past pain. “I guess I always wanted to work with children, but I have a war crimes record. I’m supporting a few charities actively, and I’ve started “Darth’s Kids”. It’s like a program that takes inner city youth who have lost their parents, and turns them into unstoppable destructive psychic killing machines.  We’ve had some great successes- Miley Cyrus…”

“I totally get Hannah Montana now!” I exclaimed.

“Right? I know. I KNOW. So proud of that one.”.

“Is there anything else you want people to know about you?” I began gathering up my tape recorder.

“Yes. When it comes tie to tell the story of my life, I hope they don’t cut out the part at the end of Jedi where I return to the force with Obi wan and Yoda, and I’m the same  sad-eyed old man who was in the mask dying in Luke’s arms earlier. I swear on the grave of my mother, if they rotoscope in Hayden Christensen, I will return from the force and destroy your planet with my bare robotic hands.”.

The Correctness has been receiving a fair amount of e-mail looking for clarifications and understand about plot points in famous films. We, as always, are correct, and aim to spread understanding in these cases. Let us begin.

Dear Correctness,

Was the gun that Edward Norton’s character uses at the end of Fight Club real, or was it imaginary like Tyler Durden?

Jim in Brooklyn

- Jim,

The Correctness follows very strict guidelines in these matters, and as such we would be breaking the first two rules of Fight Club to discuss this.

Dear Correctness,

if Darth Vader became good again at the end of Return of the Jedi, why did Luke burn his body?

Drew in Toronto

-Drew,

Really? That confused you? It was similar to a Viking Burial. It was a respectful gesture, not an angry one. Damn, I’m surprised you didn’t get that. Huh.

Dear Correctness,

How come Lois Lane is alive at the end of Superman. She died in the earthquake in her car.

Jerry in Portland

-Jerry,

Did you not see the part where Superman flew around the Earth a whole bunch of times, really fast? He was reversing time, in order to save Lois. Maybe you were in the bathroom for that part or something.

Dear Correctness,

How come Sylar was still alive after the Season 1 finale of Heroes? We saw him get destroyed.

Jane in L.A.

-Jane,

Look. Heroes is just retarded. Only morons are still watching that shit.That’s all you need to know.

Dear Correctness,

Was Bruce Willis’ character in the Sixth Sense really dead?

Terry in Dallas

-Terry,

Holy crap. Are you really asking that? It was pretty much the whole point of the movie. I need an aspirin.

Dear Correctness,

I’ve never understood this one: In the movie “The Godfather”, which character was The Godfather. It’s very confusing to me.

Gail in St. Louis

Gail,

No. No way. Bullshit. No one is that fucking stupid. You go to hell, Gail.

Dear Correctness,

When you answered that question about Fight Club, what was that bit about the rules. I don’t remember any rules. I don’t get it.

Gill in Tokyo

Gill,

Again, I think you’re jerking my chain. First, EVERYONE knows the First Rule of Fight Club. EVERYONE. Secondly, how did you read the earlier question , when it’s clearly in the same article as this one. Look, when I agreed to do this answers crap, I figured people were going to ask questions about the ending of the Prestige, or the timeline of Donnie Darko, or whatever that mess of an ending of “No Country For Old Men” was. Hell, I was ready to go on at length about the meaning of “There Will Be Blood” and why it 10 times as good as you probably think it is. But this stuff is ridiculous.  “I don’t get the ending of Superman???” You are the kind of people that go to Transformers, knowing full well it will be a big sack of crap.

Dear Correctness,

Why was it called “Finding Nemo”, when there was no character calle

Fuck it, I’m done.