In our most recent poll, we decided to appeal to your desire for travel. Where DID you want to go?

Almost half of you showed your old school rock roots and demanded to go to Paradise City, while the older fans just wanted to go home already. Then it was the bridge and river crowd filling out the top half. Either we have no American fans, or those that are simply hate baseball.

The results follow

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Check out this week’s poll to that side over there, and vote your conscience!

Note (This is a repost of the original.)

Exciting news gamers! We have a sneak preview of the upcoming MTG Correctness expansion pack! Now you can create entire decks of Correctness to amaze and dazzle your friends with. Tournament play is about to be taken to a whole new level. And by that of course we mean these are not in the least bit legal in tournaments. Or actual games. But we have put in a call about the expansion to Wizards of the Coast, and we expect to hear from them any day now.

Well, not them personally but certainly their lawyers

So get your counter dice ready, your mountain dew at hand and turn Rush up on the Ipod fellow nerds, as we proudly present a few samples from Magic :The Gathering the Correctness Expansion

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Comments (2)

NotVictoria said on 02-03-2010
NotVictoria

Tee-Hee! Love the Tiger woods one.

Tomass said on 03-03-2010
Tomass

Funny shit but a small point of geek error.

Re: Cthulhu – There is already a MTG game mechanic called “Madness”. Maybe “Insanity” is another option.

If you care there is an explanation of the “Madness” rule here
http://www.wizards.com/Magic/Magazine/Article.aspx?x=mtgcom/feature/7

Sorry I’m a geek I can’t help myself it needed to be said.

Part one of a series of articles in which the Correctness recasts some our favourite comic book heroines, and reclaims them from some performances that left…some room for improvement. This week, we tackle Superman’s REAL weakness, Ms. Lois Lane.

Who is Being Replaced? Kate Bosworth

Superman Returns was, I think we can all agree, a bit of a misfire. It had a number of problems (Superman lifting a kryptonite continent into the sky after being stabbed by kryptonite being a big one for me) but it had its share of good things too.(Plane sequence was awesome)Many internet pundits complained about Kate Bosworth’s Lois, said she was bland and possessed none of the fire Lois really needs. In a way she became, fairly or unfairly, a microcosm of everyone’s problem with the movie. Pretty, but ultimately empty and unmoving. Personally, I didn’t think she was horrible, but I do think she was miscast. So let’s see if we can do any better…

PLEASE NOTE: I will not be recasting Erica Durance because I do not give a shit about Smallville. There, I said it. The Justice League are not hunky douchebags. Superman 90210 can suck my balls.

HONORABLE MENTIONS:

Here’s a few people who probably could have done better with the part, but for one reason or another, didn’t quite make the Top 3

Grace Park

If they can cast Kingpin as an African American then I have no problem giving the part of Lois to Grace Park, who has tons of Geek Cred, and displayed plenty of sassy attitude during her run on Battlestar Galactica. She can pull off the action sequences and the romance sequences equally well and I think she’s a great choice for a fresh take on the character.

Jennifer Connolly

She might be a little sick of playing the female love interest for insanely strong beings, but she is a damned good actress and let’s face it, still rather breathtaking. She has the right look for either a period piece (see the Rocketeer) or more contemporary version. Some might argue she is a little old for a “reimagining”, but I think with a good Superman in the same age bracket, we’d have something pretty memorable on our hands.

Natalie Portman

Yes, yes, the nerds and their weird, sick Natalie Portman obsession, but dreadful Star Wars work aside, she can act, she’s smart, sexy, and I can completely buy her charging into deep shit to get the story. She might be a little on the petite side, but I think she makes up for it with pure sass. To be honest with you, I don’t think she would have made my list had it not been for the Natalie Raps thing on SNL. “I never said I was a role model.” That sounds like Lois to me.

The “If I Had A Time Machine Award” goes to…

Pheobe Cates circa 1983

Giggidy.

Giggidy.

Goo.

The downside of course is that a Superman of that era would likely be Matthew Broderick, or worse Arnold Schwartzenegger. On the other hand, I’m sure there would be lots of excuses to put Lois in a bikini. You take the good, you take the bad.

THE TOP THREE

#3 Anne Hathaway

Here she is, the only reason you rented Havoc. She’s been nominated for Oscars, showed us her depth (and a couple of other things) in Brokeback Mountain and Rachel Getting Married, and she has performed as Viola in Shakespeare in the Park in NYC. There is no doubt Ms. Hathaway has the chops, but she’s also got the right look, and Bride Wars aside, her career is white hot right now. She adds a touch of class to even the silliest movies she does, and many a drooling nerd would slap down 15 bucks to see her as Lois.

#2 Zooey Deschanell

I want you all to do me a favour. Go to your local bookstore and hunt around in the bargain bin for a copy of the Secret. Then, follow whatever it tells you about focusing your wishing power to make stuff happen. Then close your eyes and wish like a motherfucker for a stylized 1930’s Fleischer-esque Superman movie starring Jon Hamm and Zooey Deschanell, featuring a tricked out steampunk Brainiac as the villain.

WISH HARDER!!!!!

and my Number 1 Choice for a recast of Lois Lane

#1 Olivia Wilde

Is that, or is that not a face that would bring Superman to his knees? She plays a strong professional woman every week on House, and with that dark hair she almost LOOKS like something out of a Bruce Timm cartoon.
She’s like Megan Fox with 75% more brains and 100% less skank. I mean LOOK at her…

To my mind if she is hot enough to marry a Prince, she is certainly hot enough for Superman.

So, who did I miss? Am I way off? Let me know what you think below, and stay tuned next week when we tackle recasting Mary Jane Watson

File under: Awkward Usage, Modern language, “Literally”

Hello, Modern Language Users:

Um, hey, gosh guys, I’m not sure how to put this. You know when you say things like “That was literally the biggest meal ever”, or “That was literally off the hizzy”? You know what I’m talking about? Yeah, about that…

Yeah, um, I’m no Grammar Nazi, I mean, not anymore, and I certainly enjoy the flexibility of writing in this casual style. It’s just that I think what you think “literally” means isn’t what it means? Ya know?

If something is literal, it exists or occurs precisely as the phrase you use to describe the event or object. This is in opposition to something being “figurative” , and we (and by we, I mean, apes who can read the printed word) quite often use the word “literally” to explain the subtle irony of something having the attributes of being figurative (metaphorical, non-real), but having occurred precisely as the metaphorical device describes it. Now, I think some of you use “literally” in a hyperbolic way, so let me provide an example.

If my girlfriend left me- I’m sorry- If I had a girlfriend and she left me, I could say “So and so left me, and I fell to pieces, figuratively” to describe my distraught emotional state. However, if my girlfriend left me and notified me by planting a live grenade in my anus, with my dying breath I could gather the bloody ribbons of my violently redistributed internal organs and utter the phrase- again note the subtle irony here- “So and so left me, and I LITERALLY fell to pieces.”.

See how that works? Now, contextually, it seems a bit like when we say “literally” we are exaggerating the outcome, and the feeling of hyperbole carries over to how some of you charming-but-tediously-retarded folks use the word in other contexts. “Literally” is not used to emphasize the scale or importance of something, it is simply contextually linked to such events when used correctly. It seems to emphasize something because of the unlikelihood of an event which is metaphorical or figurative being played out in real life.

So, just to clarify, because I know some of you kids go a bit squinty when we talk language, here is an alternative example:

When you say “that was literally the biggest meal ever that I just ate”, what you mean is ‘That was figuratively the biggest meal ever”, or even more probably you mean “that was a very large meal”. However, if you just consumed LITERALLY the biggest meal ever (”Evar” for those of you who are LOLcats) the fact that you are alive and aren’t hospitalized from a burst stomach or, say, the crushing gravitational pull of the largest meal ever suggests to me that you did not mean “literally”. Oh, and backtracking a bit, I meant “probably” literally, not subjectively- like, there is a greater probability that you mean “That was a very large meal.”.

I recently heard someone say “this [party] is literally off the hizzy”.

There is so little meaning embedded in that arrangement of words that even Roland Barthes would be hard pressed to defend your inexplicable linguistic construct.

Do I even dare break this down? I do? Okay, I will.

“This [party]“: Fine. We understand that the party is the subject of your clause, well done. A verb should complete this. In fact, you didn’t even say the word “party”, but you implied it with gestures. You could have meant “this wonderful evening” or “this happenstance meeting of a doe-eyed brunette woman and you, Rob, only you” instead of “party”, but we basically get that you are referring to the events of the night in general.

“This [party] is“: Also fine, “is” is an intransitive verb. You are about to tell me in what state the “party” exists, or how it is to be. I might add here that we loosely understand that the “party” is inclusive the people, place and mood of the event, so however we describe the party next is referring to the sum of these things as if they were a single subject.

“This [party] is literally“: So far so good, whatever the party “literally” is, it had better not be a metaphor or conceit of any kind.

“This [party] is literally off the hizzy“. STOP. NO. HOLD THE FIGURATIVE PHONE. You have eradicated all meaning from your words. You might as well speak in gibberish. Let’s break this down again

“off the hizzy“: This is a slang adaptation of “off the hook”, as in “the phone is off the hook” as in “this event is of enough importance that the phone, so as not disturb our important event, has been taken off of it’s telephone cradle or “hook”.

As the mechanics say, “well, here’s your problem right here”:

“This [party] is literally off the hizzy“: You are telling me that this party, which, firstly, you never actually clarified was specifically what you were referring to because you didn’t say party, and secondly, which is a collection of people in a place enjoying festivities, has been removed, in its entirety, people, location, and all, from what I am to understand, only colloquially, is a large hook (or cradle) like a telephone has.

Not only have you used a slang phrase to describe the state of existence of the sum of the things that make up this party, but you have implied that it is somehow being transported atop some kind of giant telephone.

You. Don’t. Mean. Literally.

You could have just said “This party is off the hizzy.” and I would have understood this as a metaphorical construction. We’re all used to that sort of thing. “Our love is the ocean.” or “This is heaven.” are metaphors we understand. If you say “Our love is literally the ocean” that becomes uniquely inexplicable, and if you say “this is literally heaven” then you have shaken the last of my Judeo-Christian faith by exposing me to the outstanding shittiness of heaven on a day to day basis.

Now, I may not be an expert per se, and God knows a discussion of my extensive use of the parenthetical comma  could fill an entire essay, but I can read a dictionary, and I do know what “literally” means, and to quote Inigo Montoya, “I do not think that word means what you think it means.”.

Anyways, you guys, I hope that clears some things up, because I have literally had it up to here with your incorrect usage of the word “literally” and I am literally going to lose it, and I am literally going to kill you if you don’t stop it, because you are literally an amoebic shit stain if you can’t get this.

Fun bonus puzzle: Figure out what I actually meant in my last sentence!

Oh Constant Reader, you may recall that in order to celebrate our 100^th member of our facebook group, we held a contest requesting your best “advice column letter”. We also asked you to sign off with a clever acronym that summarized your troubles, like “NERD” or “BATMAN”.   The Correctness is pleased to announce that the contest submissions are in, and one of these lucky advice askers will receive dinner with The Correctness! Imagine an entire evening of smarminess!  But first, we know that you want our advice, and we are delighted to offer it to you, smarmily.  Contest winners will be announced shortly!

Dear Correctness:

When I married my husband I was a regular person with a passing knowledge of superheroes and sci-fi related stuff. I had great conversations about art, politics, and world events. After marrying a nerd I now find we discuss the merits of Wolverine vs. Batman at length. How can I get my husband to talk about events in the real world?

Dreaming Of Real Knowledge

Well DORK (see that’s how that works, that’s funny) , 1/3 of The Correctness worked at the Zoo for a summer, and I can tell you that everyone likes to discuss the relative merits of things. Additionally, everyone, everyone, EVERYONE wants to know which scary thing will win in a fight. This is human nature. Who would win, a Siberian Tiger or a Polar Bear? Answer: A polar bear you fucking numbnuts, they are gigantic bears.

Second, try sitting down with your husband, somewhere away from the action figures that are still in their boxes, and discussing events of importance to you. Be sure to remind him that his last chance to have sex ever again is on the line. If he remembers that he is a gigantic nerd and can’t fathom how he managed to entice a spouse that is willing to touch his man-parts, you will be amazed by the speed at which he gets up to date on current events and matters of philosophical importance.

Thirdly, and I think this is your real question here, I sense that you are asking who would win in a fight between Batman and Wolverine. I can safely say Batman would win. Don’t contradict me, I know that Wolverine has adamantium bones and claws, and he also has super strength. I also know that Batman is essentially just a dude. However, one look at the panel of Batman in the Bat Cave standing over the bloodied wreck of Superman’s spongy flesh in The Dark Knight Strikes Again , and you can rest assured that Batman would kick Wolverine’s ass, even if it took him 20 years to research how to melt adamantium. Oh, is adamantium magnetic? Because why doesn’t Magneto just magnetize it? I guess it isn’t magnetic, like aluminum? In fact, if somebody could just explain all the retarded shit in the marvel universe to me, that would be great, and I say that as a big Spider-Man fan.

Dear The Correctness,

What the fuck is with you guys making me cut and paste your email
address from your contest post to this email? I should be able to just
click that shit. Haven’t you heard of href? As in, <a href=
“mailto:thecorrectness@thecorrectness.com“> Anyway. That’s not my
question.

This is my question. I like to buy lottery tickets, doritos, and
batteries from a Korean convenience store located near my home. The
store is well stocked with goods, but purchasing them presents a problem
because I can’t understand a fucking thing the person behind the counter
is saying to me… especially when I’m drunk. I’m pretty sure that the
stout lady guarding the smokes is mocking my English in a Korean or
other kind of Chinese accent. What should I do?

Frustrated,
Kim Chi

I suspect, Kim Chi (Not an acronym, but within acceptable advice column standards), one of the issues might be that you are racist, but another issue might be that we are trying to avoid “bots” discovering our email and spamming us. Right at the heart of the matter is this: You have a communication barrier with your Korean store clerk, and I have no desire to receive emails about how much bigger my penis could be.

The solution for this is simple. The service you are getting from the Korean store clerk is miles better than you would get from a sullen teen, and I simply do not want to have to think about the  size of my penis.  Does the Korean convenience store lady have a hot, university-aged, violin playing daughter? Oh, or cello? Preferably cello. I don’t mean to reinforce cultural stereotypes, I’m just saying that sounds hot.

Dear the Correctness,

I am in 8th grade of St Frencklebert Jr high School. Recently I started Dating a real guy that actually exists and I did not make up. His name is Edward Effron and he is like super real. And my Boyfriend. He is my real Boyfriend. And he is like super hot and sings in musicals and such. And he is probably a vampire for real. Anyway one day at lunch while I was definitely NOT eating at the fat kid table I overheard my real boyfriend who is real talking about the fact he is getting me a real horse for my birthday next week because I am hot like Becky Stevens and not fat like she says. How do I tell my not imaginary super real boyfriend that I want a majestic Clydesdale with out giving away I know the surprise? For real?

Signed,
Lovely And Married to Edward.

Listen, LAME, I totally get where you are coming from. As the unmarried 1/3 of The Correctness, I too have a totally real girlfriend who exists and is real and is just shockingly hot, but she just isn’t in town right now. You know, like, you could meet her but she lives far away, so she exists and I’m not gay is the bottom line here. She and I have problems like that all the time. Now, I’m a little older than you, so I’m going to try and make this advice as practical as possible. My totally real girlfriend is constantly surprising me with rad gifts like vacations to New Zealand and batmobiles (that’s another thing about wolverine -no car), and she loves to catch me off guard with such things. When she proposed to me recently at Comicon in San Diego, I happened to know it was coming. I knew she purchased the reproduction “One Ring” with a modified inscription in Elven, because I keylogged her Dell.  Here is how I handled it:

Try to remember that even though you know what the surprise is in general, you should just accept whatever (horse or One Ring)you get, this is still a person that you care for very much, and that now is a good time to show your true feelings, unlike Sauron, who disguised his hate and greed inside the ring, secreted away in Mount Doom. When you are presented with the gift, Clydesdale or no, just let the feelings in your heart for your boyfriend shine through and your appreciation will be enough! You may even come to love the horse he has selected for you, as it represents his love for you, which is real. Also, may I say your vampire-musical boyfriend sounds totally hot, not that I swing that way, but if he’s legal I’d be interested in meeting him, you know, to talk, or just, whatever ends up happening between two consenting men, or whatever- Like, maybe he and i could just have a barbecue and a few beers, you know, it doesn’t have to get weird, whatever. Oh! As well, if your horse begins to consume your soul and turn you into a Horse Wraith, double check on the vampire thing.

Dear RobbieRob Town and the Correctness:

I need your wise advice on what to wear and how to act when meeting an Assiniboine Chief.  I need to make a VERY good first impression.  I know I can count on the Correctness to give me the advice I require for just such a meeting that is why I have turned to you.

~Assiniboine Native Girl Inconceivably Eburnean

This is an interesting tactic, ANGIE. I see that you have outed your name in your acronym, eliminating the anonymity of your submission. How curious.

Next up, I had to look up “eburnean” so thanks for and addressing your question specifically to me and making me feel like a jackass.

Finally, regarding your question:

As it is clear you are both Native, and assembled form some kind of ivoroid structures, I cannot possibly hazard a culturally sensitive answer.  I would like, at this juncture, to introduce you to my ten foot pole. With this, I will not be touching your question.

Dear The Correctness,

It seems like the names of bad species or civilizations in science fiction all end in -ons. Star Trek had Klingons. In Babylon 5, it was Vorlons. Battlestar Galactica had the Cylons. Coincidence? (Note: Star Wars did not follow this quite obvious tradition).

signed,

George Lucas Doesn’t Understand Sci-Fi Tradition

Ah, GLDUSFT. Wait- GLDUSFT? What the fuck kind of acronym is that? A bullshit one, is the answer. I’ve heard better acronyms out of NASA, and they set the bar pretty low with excluded letters and cuteness.

In fairness you have an interesting point. It certainly explains my preternatural fear of the terrifying Monctons and Edmontons, with their hideous glowing eyes and ridged foreheads. Star Wars species and character names are the subject of much debate but I can tell you, once and for all how it works.

At the Skywalker ranch, in a pond rich with nutrients, George Lucas breeds huge catfish. He then dives in and wrestles these 100 pound catfish. Next, he pumps carbon dioxide into the stomachs of a captured catfish, and with the wriggling fish still under arm, he squeezes it. The resulting noises produced by the fish’s mouth are the names of the species in star wars.

Dear Correctness:
My side of the family is steadfastly Star Trek… In my parents’ basement there are several Star Trek posters and life-size cardboard cut-outs of Spock and Kirk (who attended our Star Trek themed wedding and danced with several of our guests, by the way)… They have several tee-shirts and my brother brought us back some Romulan Ale and a Tribble from their trip to Las Vegas.

My husband and I LIKE Star Trek, but also enjoy Star Wars. We have a Rebel Alliance Fighter-Pilot outfit ( pic attached ) as well as a Crimson Guard outfit (  pic attached ); our friends also have the outfits ( pic attached ), we used to play unprecedented amoungts of SW RPG with the original 6D system… (see example:  (pic attached )

My family has threatened to disown us if we switch to Star Wars…

Do you suppose there is any chance in hell of our families ever getting along? One side wants the familiar galaxy from the future and one side favours the alien galaxy far, far away from a long time ago.

Can you propose any solution or are we all just going to end up clashing in some kind of temporal loop that will collapse on itself because the past/future would collide like matter/anti-matter? Can’t we have Hyper-Speed AND Warp-Speed?

Signed: Why Can’t We All Just Get Along?

WCWAJGA, Thanks for submitting your acronym which IS in fact a species name from the Star Wars universe. I could go on at length about how much WCWAJGA is precisely the kind of sound created by a catfish when you inflate and squeeze him. You can almost hear the bubbles of water in the throat and the benign flap of the gills, which, I might add, is how Ben Burtt did the sounds for the Mon Calamari in return of the Jedi.

That said, no, your family and your husband will never get along the way you want them to. This is because they are asking one of the great questions. They are asking you to compare the relative merits of Star Trek and Star Wars. This is a decision which must be carefully weighed, and not just glibly tossed out there as if you believe Wolverine had the tiniest chance against the sheer awesomeness of Batman. You really need to get in there and weigh the pros and cons, before you start the argument.

For example, the three Star Wars prequels were largely ungood, but Star Trek produced whole seasons of television series which were ungood like, oh, DS9, or Enterprise, or Voyager.

Why not try this: take it to their level? Pick something specific that has bothered you about Star Trek, and then bring it up as the reason for your conversion to Star Wars fandom. Try “We switched to Star Wars because of how unwatchable Star Trek 5 was”, and your family will defend the fact that Shatner had a different premise entirely,  and that Paramount wanted to capitalize on the comedy in Star Trek 4 and so they rejected the vastly more interesting pitch of “Star Trek in Dante’s Inferno” and dumbed it down to whatever that abortion of a plot “The Voyage Home” turned out as, making Shatner look like a bad director even though he isn’t.

See how that works? You’re back in safe territory, because they are now obligated to explain why they love Star Trek, instead of attempt to understand your love of Star Wars.

It’s time for our very first contest!! How do you enter? Read on!

Submit your request for advice to our series of advice columns- Oh, and by series, I mean the one time it is funny.

Rules:

Email entries as described below to: thecorrectness@thecorrectness.com

Send us one of them advice column questions. If possible, include one of those clever acronyms as your anonymous persona at the bottom. You know, like, if your question is about ST:TNG, and you sign off as “Person In Constant Assessment Regarding Data” (See what I did there? Yes it’s weak.)

Entries which give us the giggles will make the post, and the winner- whose question may be too funny for the article, but i digress- the winner gets DINNER WITH THE CORRECTNESS!

We will go out for dinner with you, and create a delightful still picture slideshow of our meal. if you live out of Calgary, Canada, we will skype you for a meal at my place.

Lovingly, you’re all wrong,
The Correctness

November 13th: Any man who quotes Maya Angelou should have to forfeit his testicles. That’s it, we’ll take those, here’s season one of Sex in the City and some Haagen-Dazs…enjoy.

November 22nd. It’s a good thing I was never a contestant on the Family Feud. No matter what the question was, my answer would be “Your cock” And I would laugh really hard every time the host turned to the board and said “Show me…your COCK!!”

December 6th : Dinner party etiquette note: If someone asks you what your favorite vegetable is, don’t say “Stephen Hawking”. Send apology note to the Walthers.

April 6th: I was in Megatunes today. I saw that Paul McCartney re-mastered and re-released “Let it Be” thus spectacularly negating the title of the album.

april 12th: There is no “I” in “team”, but there is one in “shit on your desk”.

May 6th: Had the dream again where I was back in school and I walked into math class without my pants. Only this time in the dream, I HAD my pants. So I took them off. I’m really just more comfortable with the familiar.

May 17th: Was in Starbucks today, feeling good. Sang “Lady Marmalade” out loud while I was in line and accidentally ordered three drinks. For the record, a Mocha Choco Latta is tasty, but a little high in fat.

June 1st: Idea for a character: The Veloci-rapper. He spots you in a clearing, his head bobbing lightly…and that’s when the rap attack starts, not from the front…but from the side. From two rappers you didn’t even know were there. They spit out lyrics here…or maybe here…or maybe here so the funk spills out. The point is…you are alive when they start the beats going

June 9: It’s now been 12 days without rations. Was forced to eat Mook-Ping, my Sherpa. The walls seem to be shifting ever closer. Also, balls chaffed.

June 19th: Idea for a movie: “Every Which Way But Loose Change” A man and his pet orangutan travel the country beating the hell out of lame 911 conspiracy theorists.

July 14th :Note to self: Embrace existential Minimalism

July 20th:

July 31:

August 7th: Fuck Minimalism

September 22nd: If you start “Who Let The Dogs Out” at the precise moment that Sally enters the car in “The Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants” then,well, you’re retarded

October 25th : Are cows inherently evil? I merely ask because it seems the difference between laughter and evil laughter is just the word “Moo”

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha is happy laughter. Mooo ha ha ha ha ha ha! is evil laughter

I don’t feel quite so bad about eating them, now

November 7th Ate at the Burger Inn and the guy behind the counter recommended the Wild Boar burger. I said “No thanks, but why don’t you go ahead and fry one up for my buddy Asterix.” No Laughter. Despair.