Well kids, it’s time to cast the big one…Diana, the Amazon who in our Smackdown series somewhat controversially handed Captain America his ass on a shield, as it were. Her powers, like Superman’s, vary wildly depending on who you talk to but there is no doubt about her iconic status and her ability to not only hang with, but occasionally even beat the Big Boys.

The Correctness Casting Couch (finally)presents: Wonder Woman.

So Who Are We Replacing?

Well, we aren’t really. Linda Carter was so long ago and is, I’m sure, so treasured in our memories that we wouldn’t think of REPLACING her. Rather we will be focusing on the news that David E. Kelly, he of the wacky lawyer shows, has been given the go ahead by ABC to develop a Wonder Woman TV series. Now lets assume for the moment that he will give the Diana her due and make a good series instead of making her a lawyer by day who deals with a love triangle between her, Supes and Batman , and worries about her biological clock, and has so much “quirkiness” in her life it’s enough to choke the Giant Seahorse Aquaman rides on.

Lets assume it is a straightforward action adventure series, with Diana going from the Amazon Jungle to the urban jungle, kicking asses and taking names…as it should be.

In The Running

Sophia Bush

Not terribly familiar with her work but I have heard her name bandied about on the internet. I think she could pull it off, given the right circumstances. I’d have to see a screen test, but I think for a modern take on Wonder Woman, you could do worse.

Jodi Lyn O Keefe

Again, not super familiar with her work, but she certainly appears to have the kind of intensity the part would require. Maybe instead of a screen test, her and Sophia should just fight it out. The Amazons would be proud.

The “If You Were 5 Inches Taller And Had About 5-10 More Pounds of Muscle On You Award” Goes To…

Mila Kunis

Way too petite for the part, I know but she definitely has an exotic, captivating look. Apparently she was quite good in “Black Swan” so she has the chops. I can definitely see the tiara on her, she has the right face for it…but unless you have elevator boots and steroids in the contract, not quite the ass kicker you need here.

Hey, You Know Who I DON’T Want To Play The Part?

Megan Fox

Look at those eyes…they are utterly dead. They almost NEVER portray any kind of emotion…bored, lifeless zombie eyes. It’s like she was created whole cloth by Robert Zemekis for one of his 3-d animated films. She IS the Uncanny valley .She looks like one of those “Real” sex dolls and has about as much personality. No…no no no…definitely not, despite what a myriad of photoshop enthusiasts on the internet would have you believe.

And the “If I Had a Time Machine” Award goes to

IT’S A TIE!!!

Lucy Lawless circa 1997

Seriously. Come on. It’s like the Pierce Brosnon Bond. Do we even need to discuss this?

And

Jennifer Connolley Circa 1995

Hollywood got to her somewhere around 2000 or so and she became hopelessly skinny, but back in the day she had curves, acting chops, and sci-fi nerd cache. She is still a rather exquisite creature even today, but back then she would have been absolutely ideal.

The Top Three

3. Cobie Smulders

She has gone on record as saying the Wonder Woman casting thing is the curse of every actress with long dark hair, but I truly believe she could do something very interesting with the part and look good doing it. This choice also fulfills our Canadian Content mandate here on the Correctness, so everybody wins.

2. Ashley Greene

Yes, the chick from Twilight. It makes economic sense, if you are selling the thing to young girls who are looking for a strong female role model…they are more likely to buy into someone they already know and like. And I suppose there is a section of fanboy out there who prefers their Wonder Woman to be a little less butch. If that is the direction you want to go with it…you can’t get a much better choice than Ashley here.

And the #1 Choice for Wonder Woman is….

Megan Gale

“Uhhh…Tbinns? She already WAS cast as Wonder Woman, you lazy Canadian Fuck”

Yeah I know, but we didn’t actually get to see it…and in this case I think Miller’s casting was bang on the money. In fact it was the only casting choice in the whole doomed Justice League endeavor that didn’t make me scratch my head a little. Besides LOOK at her… Take a look at this picture…

And take a look at this one

It’s almost like she modeled for the thing. She has the look, the height, everything. If this woman came charging out at me with an Amazon battle cry I would be both frightened and aroused…which is EXACTLY how it should be for Wonder Woman.

So there it is…David E. Kelley take note, please, for the love of God, no campy lawyer shit.

Oh who am I kidding…it’s going to be complete shit.

So, while I’ve got you…who am I missing? What other Superheroines would you like to see on the Casting Couch?

Leave you suggestions, and of course your comments below. In the meantime…I’ll be in my bunk.

(Note: This is a repost of the original).

Part 4 in our series in which we deny up and down that it is a piss poor excuse to post pictures of hot actresses. This justification comes from our earnest belief that some of our favorite Comic Book Heroines have been horribly miscast, and we suggest a few alternatives. Today we recast Storm arguably the most powerful mutant in the Marvel Universe. (In any kind of real life scenario, someone who controls the weather runs the world, but we’ll save that for another article)

Who is being recast?

Halle Berry

Now why would anyone in their right minds recast an Oscar winning actress widely known to be one of the most beautiful women in Hollywood? Well, I’ll tell you why. SHE’S TERRIBLE in this role. The accent in the first X-men movie was Costner-like in its inconsistency. And because of her top billing status, she demanded and got, more screen time thus pushing Cyclops to a much undeserved death in the 3rd movie. Even when she dropped the accent Storm didn’t seem like she could lead a cub scout troupe much less a band of powerful mutants. Besides, Catwoman means we get to retroactively revoke her comic book character card for good.

Now this was a tough one. I never used to think that there was racial and sexual inequality when it comes to casting in Hollywood until I tried to come up with a shortlist for this article and drew a huge blank. I actually had to do some digging around to find out who was out there. That means either a) There really aren’t that many great roles for African American women out there, or b) I am a horrible racist bastard.

I am sincerely hoping it’s A)

Honorable Mentions

Cassie Ventura

I personally had never heard of her until my friend Trevor suggested her. She is evidently a model and a singer, as well as a dancer. The pictures seem to say she’d look fantastic, and the dance training suggests she can probably do the wire work required for flying pretty well, but I’d have pretty severe reservations until I’d actually seen her act. Trevor, on the other hand would cast her in anything and everything and threatened the life of my cats if I did not include her on the list. So this one is for the well being of Mauser and Fluffypudge.

Sanaa Lathan

Another award winner, this one a Yale Graduate who cut her teeth on Broadway and has been in such heavy hitters as the TV adaptation of A Raisin In The Sun. You probably know her as Vanessa from Blade, or for the four of you who watched it, Alexa from AvP. She is also a regular on the Clevleand show, but again we’ll try not to hold that against her. I haven’t seen enough of her work to know for sure, but that is an impressive resume, and great screen presence right there.

Nia Long

Nia Long is used to handling the dramatic heavy lifting on Third watch, and some of the comedic heavy lifting (If there is indeed any to be had) on the Cleveland show. She’s also been in the Big Momma’s House movies, but her agent contacted us and asked us not to emphasize that too much. She seems to have that air of dignity and confidence that would be required for Storm. Definitely someone I hope to see more of.

BONUS QUESTION: What happens to a Toad when it is struck by lightning?

Answer: Everybody in the audience rolls their eyes

The “If I had a Time Machine Award” goes to

Nichelle Nichols Circa 1965

Yeah, I went there. At least I am a self aware huge Nerd. What about you? You are reading an article about Storm. Don’t judge me!

The Top 3

3. Gina Torres

Kicking ass and taking names aboard Serenity, Gina is the epitome of the strong black woman. She has the looks, the brains and the leadership qualities needed to make a great Storm. For the record, both Wash, and Morphius agree with me.

2. Zoe Saldana

Being the lead in the highest grossing science fiction film of all time (kind of) AND Playing Uhura sends Zoe’s geek cred through the roof. She was one of the highlights of a great Trek reboot, and if you insisted on skewing younger with the part, you couldn’t do much better than Zoe

And my #1 choice for Storm is…

Angela Basset

Okay she probably should have gone under the Time machine heading circa 1998, but hear me out…

This is, if I may be so bold as to pun horrifically “The Perfect Storm.” Strength, Charisma, Wisdom and all of those other D and D stats that go into making a great superhero. An amazing actress who looks like she could be kind and motherly one moment and whoop your ass the next. If I were an X-man, I would follow Angela Basset.

So that about wraps it up for this edition of the Casting Couch. Join us again soon…you don’t have to be blind to see that Elektra could use a bit of recasting.

Part two of our series where we recast some of your favorite comic book heroines, and sweep in like superheroes to rescue them from a lackluster performance. Today we will be recasting Spider-Man’s beloved… Mary Jane Watson

MJ, Fashion model, superhero wife, actress, and if the Spider-Man movies are to be believed, whiny self centered bitch….

Who is being replaced?

Kirsten Dunst:

Why they cast a blonde as a redhead and a redhead as a blonde we may never know. In fact, I’m going to go on record as saying Topher Grace as Peter Parker and Bryce Dallas Howard as MJ might have been the more logical casting choice, and let Toby and Kirsten play Eddie and Gwen. What we do know is that despite the fact that… well…she looks good in the rain, Kirsten’s Mary Jane came off as being snippy and selfish. He’s Spider-Man for God’s sake, so what if he missed your damned play? That you sucked at and got replaced in? Boo Hoo…people are getting mugged, buildings are burning down, AND PIZZAS DON’T DELIVER THEMSELVES!!! Maybe it was the fault of the script, but maybe it was the fault of the actress, so just in case let’s get recasting, shall we?

You may have noticed that some of your favorite redheads (Felica Day, Allyson Hannigan, Emmy Rossum, Kari from Mythbusters) Are noticeably absent from the list. That is because lovely as they are, I can’t picture any of them saying “Face it tiger, you just hit the Jackpot” without irony. But these ladies might just be able to pull it off…

Honorable Mentions:

Christina Hendricks.

She might be a touch too curvy (for the part, not for me, I’d like to make that clear) and projects a wisdom beyond her years but I think if a new film was set with a slightly older Peter Parker this could totally work. Works for me at any rate.

Emily Blunt

I’m sure I wasn’t the only one who was disappointed to hear she wasn’t playing the Black Widow, but I think she might lend a touch of class to MJ, especially a period piece 60’s style MJ

Amy Adams

She gets the honorable mention because I think she is quite a good actress, and certainly easy on the eyes…something is not quite right for MJ, maybe she’s a little too bright and sunshiney, but it would be interesting to see her take a crack at it.

Daneel Harris

I haven’t seen enough One Tree Hill to know if she’s really all that good, but I’m prepared to give her a shot based on how much she looks the part. Can you imagine your aunt setting you up with this girl? No wonder Peter is so devoted to Aunt May.

Hey, you know who I DON’T want to play the part?

Laura Prepon. Her entire acting range is “Eric!! What the hell? You Dillhole!” She specializes in various states of annoyance it seems. No thank you.

And the “If I Had a Time Machine” award goes to…

Angie Everhart.

Jackpot, Tiger. Jackpot.

And Now…The Top 3…

#3 Evan Rachel Wood

She’s a stunning, intelligent redhead, who can act, sing (Across the Universe) and likes to date freaks…how much more Mary Jane can you get than that? And speaking of unusual taste in men…

#2 Isla Fisher

I still can’t believe Borat makes sexy time with this woman. I think what would be interesting here is that she has a softer look, she’s still model quality, but still has that “Girl next door” approachability going for her. I could totally see Peter obsessing about this girl his whole life.

And My #1 choice for the recasting of Mary Jane Watson is…

#1 Alicia Witt.

Yes, Alia from Dune grew up rather strikingly. I think I actually read somewhere that she was even offered the part and turned it down, for whatever reason. Regardless of whether or not that is true, she pulls of the model look, while never coming across as vapid or empty. I think the spirit of MJ is every bit as important as the look, and I think she pulls off both masterfully.

So there you have it…Who did I miss? Any more suggestions? Join us next time when we have the temerity to suggest casting an actual Blonde who can ACT in the role of Sue Storm

See you then.