Sure, it’s easy to blame NBC for being complete idiots, and always trying to keep all the talent, even in circumstances that clearly never work. You might be inclined to blame Jay Leno for not just stepping down like he said he would, or refusing to take the Tonight Show. You could even blame Conan, if you ignored Jay’s impassioned plea and were that way inclined. (I am not) I mean after all, he left of his own volition, because he didn’t want to move to 12:05. (Coughcoughintegritycoughcough)

But I think there is a far more sinister force at work here. I have zoomed in on exactly who is at fault for Conan O Brien getting the shaft….

It’s this man….

ANDY RICHTER!!!!!

That’s right, good old lovable Andy is responsible for that whole late night mess.

“But, Tbinns” you’d say if you were to address me by that name, which frankly, I’d rather you didn’t “How could it be Andy’s fault? He’d never screw over Conan.”

Maybe not on purpose. No my friends what happened here is Conan fell victim to what I call The Richter Curse.

Andy is notorious for being involved in awesome stuff that gets canceled long before it’s time.

Exhibit A) Andy Richter Controls the Universe.

The show was hilarious, ahead of it’s time , and featured the ever so lovely Paget Brewster. It had moments of sheer brilliance, and what happened to it? Well first the shifted the time slot and then they shitcanned it all together after just one season.

Exhibit b) Andy Parker P.I.

Critics raved. Hipsters loved it. Canceled after 1 season.

And here are a few other facts to consider. Late Night with Conan O Brien struggled for years before finding an audience…and in those early struggling years, who was by his side? Andy Richter.

That’s okay, you can see him guest on Mr. Show …oh wait… CANCELED!!!!

Hey, guess who guest starred on our much beloved Arrested Development? Oh is that Andy Richter there? CANCELED!!!

Even the Tonight show, that unassailable institution is unable to withstand the power of the Richter Curse. The next time you hear Jay Leno squeaking out “Did you hear about this folks?” in that tone of voice that beats you over the head with the claw hammer of mediocrity…you know who to blame.

“But Tbinns” you say

“I told you to stop calling me that” I say

“But he was in Elf and that was a huge hit” you say

“Well…” I stammer “ Uhhh… shut up.”

Andy, if you are reading this, I beg you…start using your powers for good. Stop picking cool shows to be in. Go do a cameo on Jersey Shore. Be a guest judge on American Idol. Sign up for Dancing with the Stars. Be a corpse on NCIS. Go on Heroes and put it out of its misery. You have the power to make the world a better place… do it Andy. Throw all of your God given common sense and good taste out the window , for all our sakes.

And for the love of God, stay the hell away from 30 Rock.

(Ring Ring)

Oh, excuse me, I have to take this…hello?

WHAT? WHEN?

Liz Lemon’s BROTHER?

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

It is too late for her. She is doomed

Allow me to share with you some revelations I’ve had about Norm MacDonald and Neil Young.

Both of these gentlemen are Canadian entertainers who have a rabid fan base, neither of whom I have enjoyed in the past.

In fact I would say that I actively disliked them. In the case of Norm MacDonald I particularly detested his stammering delivery of non jokes that he tries to get you to laugh at by blinking you into submission. I seemed to be the only comedian in the world who was happy he got shit canned from SNL. All of my friends love this guy and his appeal was lost on me completely.

“Germans love David Hasslehoff do they, Norm? Huh. Fascinating. You know what else is fascinating? Writing jokes. Try it Norm.”

In fact my dislike of Norm was so intense, I actually SAW him in a Sports memorabilia store in LA, and I didn’t even go over and say hello or ask for an autograph.

And look at Neil Young. Take a good look at this picture….

Spare some change today, sir?

This guy is supposed to be one of the greats and I just couldn’t stand him. “You want to see a Neil Young concert?” I’d say to my pals, “ Go find a homeless guy on the street, and poke him with a stick until he starts whining. Sounds the same, looks the same…hell probably even smells the same.” Admit it, if you saw this guy anywhere near your kid’s school, you’d call the cops.

I was content with my smug hipster douchebag pronouncements for the longest time. Neil and Norm sucked, and that was that. And then something unexpected happened.

I started hearing other bands cover Neil Young songs. And sure enough, every time I did, it threw me for a loop. These were not just good songs, these were awesome songs. I was jumping around like a madman when I saw the Trews cover “Keep on Rocking in the Free World.” Hell I even dig the cheesy Prelude version of “After the Goldrush” . Not to mention all the amazing work with Buffalo Springfield, “For What it’s worth” being a personal fav. These are really profound, thoughtful, interesting songs, that musically kick some serious ass.

At the same time I started seeing some of the stuff Norm was doing and was forced to admit it was not just funny, it might even be a strange kind of genius. I finally started to get the idea that the lame duck routine was just that…a routine. His Conan appearances were always classics. His roasting of Bob Saget with horribly lame and tame roast jokes was hysterical and incredibly ballsy.And he played it so straight that somewhere, miles away in his posh estate, Bob Newhart got a shiver and didn’t quite know why. Adam Corrolla’s version of Death on Family Guy doesn’t even come close to Norm’s. And his latest appearance on Conan with the gift basket was savage and razor sharp.

And yet, despite these new perspectives, when one or the other appears on tv or the radio I fight the urge to switch the channel immediately.

So what’s the problem? What do these two have in common? I narrowed it down to one thing.

It’s the voice.

I can’t stand Neil Young’s whine, and I can’t stand Norm’s weird bleating circuitous delivery. So much so that it impedes my ability to enjoy their own particular brands of genius

“There was baaaaaaannnd playing in my heeeeeaaaadddd”

UGH!!!!

“Heeeey you know there uh Conan, I uhh found out something about camels…you know ehhh yeah yeah… they uh…they have HUGE COCKS” (Blink Blink)

GAAAAHHHH!!!

So, I hereby state for the record that I acknowledge that Neil Young is a rock icon, brilliant songwriter and a National Treasure. I also admit that Norm MacDonald is a warped genius, and innovative wise ass that deserves his rabid cult following.

And I will still only be able to listen to them in small doses.

So the only question that remains for you, dear Correctness reader is this…Where the hell do I, an ardent Rush fan, get off complaining about someone’s VOICE?

P.S. Look up Norm’s latest visit to Conan online, and if you tune in, I believe Neil Young will be on the Tonight Show this very evening.