During the media frenzy of the new Spider-man :

“Peter Parker is dead !?!”
“No, the Ultimate Universe Peter Parker is dead. The ‘real’ one is still around.”
“What’s the Ultimate Universe?”
“The Ultimate Universe was a second continuity that was supposed to be easy to get into because you didn’t need to know decades of stories to follow it”
“How long has it been around?”
“11 years.”
“Then instead of 20 years of comics, I only need to know 11?”
“Yep”

"Jumping on Point" my ass

As DC reboots/relaunches/reimagines/starts-at-number-one-for-no-good-reason, I’m wondering about this whole continuity thing that we comic nerds love or hate so much.

“Continuity is a fence built around story-tellers” – Peter Murphy, artist

The purpose of the DC relaunch and Marvel Ultimate Universe is to streamline the back story so a new reader doesn’t have to know 20 years of plotlines to start into a book.

Every time something reboots we have to quickly learn the basics of the new version (is Pa Kent alive? Does Spider-man have web shooters or organic yuck coming out of his wrists? Is Captain America a fascist? Is Robin a chick?).

Then a bunch of issues go by and it gets complicated again.

Continuity Entropy.

Entropy: a process of degradation or running down or a trend to disorder.

Continuity Entropy: a process of complication or muddying the history of a character to a point where all explanations of the character have to start with something like “well, when they restarted Wonder Woman in 1987, Steve Trevor wasn’t her boyfriend so …”

No matter how fresh your reboot, you only have a few years before your storylines become so integrated that you can’t possibly have a new reader jump on at any issue. If you can, you have the comic book equivalent of a TV police procedural – pretty much any episode can be watched in pretty much any order, but there is no benefit to watching all of them. And you have to resolve everything in 44 minutes so it best be the creepy doctor you met in scene 6 who is the gunman.

My co-host on We Talk Comics, Brett, has the best solution, do an automatic reboot every 10 years no matter what. It has the added advantage of dead characters staying dead for a change. “I want to use Supergirl!” “Supergirl is dead this decade, we’ll put you down for next decade”

Quiz: Do you know who this is?

No, you don’t. They haven’t told you the rules of this Superman yet. Kal-El? Kal-L? Wrangler Jeans spokesman?

Do you know this one?

Possibly, this is Superman from his last reboot – 11 friggin’ months ago! Is Pa Kent alive? Is Superman the last son of Krypton or are there 100,000 Kryptonians? Does he have a flying dog? You don’t know.

Ultimately (no pun intended), continuity is more help than hindrance. And being afraid of it and constantly restarting is more confusing than useful. The best part of continuity is that I don’t have to spend half the story figuring out the new rules before getting to the meat of the story. And that story is richer for having characters developed by events that happened last issue or 100 issues ago.

It’s the day of the reboot, do you know who your Superman is?

Cub Reporter Keith has just been added to the comic book pundits on the podcast WeTalk Comics. Follow him on Twitter at CubReporterK.

The Correctness has gotten its Dorito-dusted fingers on a couple of private memos from the Big Two in comics. Everyone is noticing the amount of press that Marvel had over its new Ultimate Spider-Man, who is half Latino, half African American. Seems like neither company can wait to switch up more characters.

From DC Comics…

Wonder Woman – The new Wonder Woman will be Puerto Rican, a Rosie Perez in “Do The Right Thing” sort of thing.

Superman – Supes is no longer Kryptonian, he’s now from the planet Rigel II. Rigel II has a blue sun, so Earth’s sun makes him really, REALLY strong.

Cyborg – Non human part is now entirely Mac.

Flash – Icelandic.

Batman – Will now be Chinese, and Jewish.

From MARVEL

Captain America – To properly reflect demogrpahics, will be Mexican.

Iron Man – Will be Japanese, constantly upgrading armor to smaller suits.

Hulk – Belgian. Also, to reflect modern values, when he turns Green, he will focus on energy savings.

Fantastic Four – The entire team will now be Scandanavian, and spend time finding ways to improve the standard of living for those around them.

Nick Fury – White guy.

Thor – The Norse thing is confusing to a lot of people, make him Jesus from now on.

Us: Hey you know what this site needs?

Peanut Gallery: Better writers?

Us: Bite Us!

No no, what this site needs is more impotent nerd rage. No one has insulted Robbierobtown for his non opinions on Green Lantern in so long he’s calling 1-900 numbers and asking THEM to call him an encephalitic cum eating intern.

That is not right people.

That’s why, sometime this week, The Correctness is going to sit down, eat for more food than is healthy for men of our advancing age group and talk about yet another Smackdown. As much as we’d all like to invite you out for said lunch, we know the scheduling would be a nightmare. We can’t even schedule a dinner with someone who won a contest, much less all 12 of you who regularly read the site. So instead, we offer you this spot to make your opinions known, what kind of a Smackdown would you like to see next? Here are a few suggestions that are already on the table.

Movie Action Hero Smackdown (Indy versus James Bond, that kind of thing)

Mega Power Smackdown (Thanos, Galactus, and that large headed crowd)

Loser Smackdown (A best of the worst, who is the least lame of the world’s lamest superheroes)

Ladies on Ladies Smackdown (All female superheroes. This may or may not involve spontaneous lesbianism. But knowing Rob, the chances are pretty good.)

The Same/Same Smackdown (Similar powered heroes from different universes, Green Arrow vs. Hawkeye, Quicksilver Vs. Flash, that kind of thing)

If you have any suggestions, go right ahead and lay em on us. Also, if you could say something nasty to Rob, he’d appreciate it.

(Note: This is a repost)

Here at The Correctness SportsishNetwerkkz, we offer our be-all-end-all absolutely correct answers on which supervillains would win in a fight. Lex Luthor has bankrolled the competition.Which of the 8 will come out on top? The playoffs continue this week in the Pengrowth Deathdrome. It’s brutal, ugly, violent, and soul rending…and that’s just the comment section!!!

The Rules, and the Bracket were laid out in advance, in this post. Two days of prep, battle is held in the stadium, and it’s to the death. Game on.

This week Dr. Doom vs. Venom! For our purposes, we are all about classic non ultimate Doom and Eddie Brock Venom

Rob:

One of the things I find funniest about this process is that it forces us to quantify the skills of super types. These things should be inherently unquantifiable- Who would win in a fight, a grizzly bear, or a tiger? Who cares? I’ll take 4 tickets, please. Now, I know the controversy we generate is based entirely by the idea of comparing fictional villains, and that’s all the fun of what we do here, but we do it for giggles. Nonetheless, it always irked me as a kid when comparisons were drawn between heroes for non-comedic reasons. I always feel like the mathematical and statistical comparisons made my heroes less heroic. Hockey Cards used to do this. In 1989, I could tell you for sure that hometown hero Lanny McDonald was the greatest hockey player of all time, but a quick look at any of the Upper-Deck hockey cards from that era confirms that Gretzky was a pretty good player, actually. I bring this all up because I was bummed out when my 1990 set of Marvel Cards listed every piece of information about all the heroes and villains, and broke them down to sports statistics, compared them to each other, reduced them to , uh, countable stuff.

As such, I thought I should take this battle straight out of the charts-n’-graphs Marvel universe, and run this purely on the numbers! My data can’t be disputed!

Venom, at 6′3″ and 260 lbs, is 1″ taller than Doom, and outweighs him by 35 pounds! If that isn’t a whole weight division or two, I don’t know what is. I really don’t know what is, I am much too nerdy for boxing or mixed martial arts. As an aside, MMA fighting seems a touch too huggy and cuddly to me- you know, lots of rolling on the floor and being sweaty, like a combination of junior high wrestling class and what I imagine sex to be like, if I ever have sex. As of 1990, Doom had a 32% win ratio, whereas Venom has a 36% win ratio. In the Good Doctor’s favour, he has fought 393 battles, and Venom only 115.

Other Factors: Doc Doom has a metal mask, and Venom is a discarded space-unitard.

Despite the various intricacies, I still think heavyweight Venom is going to take this one, because anyone that outweighed me by 35 pounds and smelled like Peter Parker’s sweaty crotch would be a force to be reckoned with. I think Doc Doom probably smells pretty good, he’s European. well, Eastern European, so maybe he smells like sausage. Still, anyone who has ever worn workout clothing knows crotch smells worse than sausage.

Winner: Venom
Loser: Sausage Sales

DAVE

This is a tricky fight, mostly because I’m on vacation this week, and had a lot of trouble finding somewhere to write my post. Thus, it will be short, sweet, and not at all noteworthy.

On the one hand, we have Venom, who is an alien symbiote. I’m assuming whomever wrote the preamble to this week’s smackdown had the sense to define Venom as the Eddie Brock version, because that’s the only one I give a crap about. Venom is a terrible character. He was invented as a way to keep the cool black Spider-Man costume, but he’s a terrible, terrible character. Don’t even get me started on Carnage, et al. Anyone who thinks the next Spider-Man movie should be the Maximum Carnage storyline, you should stop reading this, go to your local comic book store, and ask the owner to introduce you to some ACTUAL quality stories.

Doctor Doom, on the other hand, is pure awesome. The main villain from the Fantastic Four, which served as my introduction to comics, back in the John Byrne days. He’s smart, evil, and encased in metal. Also, he’s awesome. Wait, I said that already.

So, the fat kid in the the Aeropostale shirt is glaring at me, either he needs to use this computer, or he’s a Carnage fan. Short, sweet.

No matter how badass Venom thinks he is, Doom has already thought of 12 ways to defeat him. Venom charges in,Doom pulls out a sonic disruptor, and sonics the crap out of the symbiote until it oozes away. Then he offers Eddie Brock a job. After Brock accepts, Doom blasts him anyway. Evil.

Winner: Dr. Doom

Tony

The problem with a bracket type set up is that invariably there will be some mismatches in which someone gets their ass handed to them. Someone gets utterly humiliated, owned, washed, dried, folded neatly, put away, pulled out again, gang fucked, and then donated to the Salvation Army.
In this particular instance it is a certain alien symbiote you will see hanging next to a 5 dollar tweed jacket. What I’m trying to say here is that Dr. Doom wouldn’t even break a sweat kicking Eddie’s ass. And considering he’s wearing full armor under warm stadium lights that is saying something. He is used to taking on 4 different superpowers at once, with both technology and magic. Venom is, as the kids say, screwed. So instead of my usual scenario based description of the ownage, I present to you a list of ways in which Venom would lose horribly.
Enjoy.
1) Sonics emanate from the armour. Symbiote screams and melts away like Ice cream. Doom strolls over, puts the symbiote in a jar, and punches Eddy in the face with a gauntlet
2) Doom clones Squirrel Girl. Rodent hijinks ensue
3) Venom lunges at Doom, only to run smack into a portal back to the symbiotes home planet. Doom seals the portal, and enjoys a bag of mini donuts while waving at the crowd.
4) Hundreds of doombots reprogrammed to look and behave like Spider-man descend on Venom, who promptly freaks the fuck out
5) Venom hits Doom with a web, and drags his ass across where he can get in close, He takes Doom’s head off with 1 stroke. Nothing but sparks and wires. Doom’s laughter echoes throughout the arena. 500 Dr. Dooms enter…which one is the real one? By the time Venom finds out, he’s dead.
6) Doom pulls a Dr. Strange and summons a demon to keep Brock busy. Even if he lives after that, he’s in no shape to face Doom
7) Doom watches Eddy throw himself uselessly against his force field. Eventually he gets bored and electrocutes him.
Doom hits his remote control and Nickleback starts playing from the speakers. Venom runs away in horror, conceding defeat. Yes, Doom would sink that low. He has no scruples.

The combo of genius, technology and the occult is just too much to take for Spider-man on roids. There can be no question that this one goes to Dr. Doom.

Winner :Victor Von Doom

Decision: Victor Von Doom

Next week: Joker vs. Magneto. Come on, admit it, you are intrigued!

————————————————————-

(Note: This is a repost of the original.)

No there hasn’t been an announcement, no plans of any kind that I know of. I was just re-reading some of my Bloom County books last night. Bloom County was a staple of my high school years, and probably largely responsible for my leftist political leanings. The strip is definitely responsible for me exclaiming “Dandy!” more often than any sane person should in everyday conversation. As I was chuckling away down memory lane last night I started thinking about how a Bloom County movie might go.

I am making the following assumptions…it would be live action, with the animals being CGI ala Garfield. The Children would be unknown but talented child actors. There would probably be at least 1 musical number. And it would bomb horribly at the box office. But let’s press on and cast it anyway shall we?

STEVE DALLAS

Bloom County’s yuppie lawyer, permanent bachelor, would be ladies man and all around douchebag,. He’s the kind of guy that MTV would be falling over themselves to give a reality show to. And while his real life counterpart might be Spencer Pratt, I think he needs someone who can play a goofy, lovable douchebag, which is why my first choice is…

WILL ARNETT

First of all, he’s hysterical. He knows exactly how to turn up the slime but it’s still near impossible to hate the guy. My wife, Amber thinks he’s too goofy, and thinks Colin Farrell has more of the doucheyness required, but I think I’m sticking to my guns on this one.

CUTTER JOHN

Wheelchair bound everyman, if everyman had a cheesy mustache and feathered har. And at the time the strip was written, they totally did, so there you go. He was also, you may remember, Captain of the Starchair Enterpoop. Clearly we need someone with some captaining experience which is why I nominate…

NATHAN FILLION

If anyone can pull off the Gary Sandy Feathered hair and fireman calendar cheesy mustache it’s Mal Reynolds himself. He’s got leading man charm, good comedic chops, and the ability to be bad ass, even when stuck in a wheelchair.

BOBBI HARLOW

Granted, Bloom County is a bit of a sausage fest, but the pretty, independently minded schoolteacher Bobbi Harlow had a pretty good run early on. She dated Steve, briefly and painfully before falling for Cutter John. The triangle made for some pretty good strips, like the one above. I think it would at least make a decent subplot for the non zoological adults in the movie. My choice for Bobbi would probably be…

COBIE SMULDERS

For a couple of reasons, one, I can’t cast Anne Hathaway in EVERYTHING as much as I would like to, and 2. I think she’s underrated on How I Met Your Mother. I think a small but important role in a goofy movie might be a great way for her to break in. Also she’s Canadian. Hooray. And hot. Hooray again.

MILO , BINKLEY and OLIVER

As I said before, the kids would have to be a group of very talented unknowns, but here are a few suggestions of the TYPES you might want to look for…For Milo, I think Peter Billingsly circa 1983 is what you should be looking out for,

for Binkley a 12 year old Michael Cera type might do the trick

and for Oliver..well I’m not sure, but I know what you SHOULDN’T be looking for…

OPUS

The Icon, the Legend the Penguin. Meadow party vice presidential Candidate, Electric Tuba player, and merchandising boon. He’s sweet, vulnerable, anxiety prone, and yet oddly heroic…even brave in his own way. This was a tough one that I wasn’t able to narrow down to just one. So feel free to vote for your favorite. Candidate Number One is…

DAVID HYDE PIERCE

Opus is nothing if not erudite, and David Hyde Pierce corners the market on that. I always pictured Opus as having a slightly fussy voice it suited his vocabulary and his vulnerability. Just picture him turning to the camera and saying lines like “As God is my witness I have no idea what I should do” and “On the whole, I’d rather be in Philadelphia…” But then again there is also…

NEIL PATRICK HARRIS

Okay, so whoever plays Opus has to have three names and be able to belt out showtunes, that much we have clearly established. NPH is fast becoming name that might actually DRAW on a marquee, owing to several levels of sheer awesomeness. Have a look at Dr. Horrible and tell me you don’t see at least SOME Opus in that performance, particularly in the song “Laundry day”

Tough choice…what do you think?

Oooh…what about Jim Parsons from Big Bang theory…DAMMIT!!!

PORTNOY and HODGE PODGE

The Abbot and Costello of Bloom County, Portnoy being the slightly more aggressive of the two. I kept wondering who would make a great comedy team, maybe a couple of guys who were already pals…so for Portnoy I went with

PATTON OSWALT

Who has a ton of voice over experience, the right attitude, and let’s face it, even kinda looks like him.

See?And as his partner in crime…

DAVID CROSS

Who is, sadly, very used to dealing with cgi animals.

Honorable metions go out to Will Ferrel as the Giant Monster in Binkleys closet, Maybe Drew Barrymore as Lola Granola, because if she married Tom Green she’d have no issue in being engaged to a penguin, Tina Fey as the Basselope…and oh yeah…Bill the Cat?

Need I say more?

Part two of our series where we recast some of your favorite comic book heroines, and sweep in like superheroes to rescue them from a lackluster performance. Today we will be recasting Spider-Man’s beloved… Mary Jane Watson

MJ, Fashion model, superhero wife, actress, and if the Spider-Man movies are to be believed, whiny self centered bitch….

Who is being replaced?

Kirsten Dunst:

Why they cast a blonde as a redhead and a redhead as a blonde we may never know. In fact, I’m going to go on record as saying Topher Grace as Peter Parker and Bryce Dallas Howard as MJ might have been the more logical casting choice, and let Toby and Kirsten play Eddie and Gwen. What we do know is that despite the fact that… well…she looks good in the rain, Kirsten’s Mary Jane came off as being snippy and selfish. He’s Spider-Man for God’s sake, so what if he missed your damned play? That you sucked at and got replaced in? Boo Hoo…people are getting mugged, buildings are burning down, AND PIZZAS DON’T DELIVER THEMSELVES!!! Maybe it was the fault of the script, but maybe it was the fault of the actress, so just in case let’s get recasting, shall we?

You may have noticed that some of your favorite redheads (Felica Day, Allyson Hannigan, Emmy Rossum, Kari from Mythbusters) Are noticeably absent from the list. That is because lovely as they are, I can’t picture any of them saying “Face it tiger, you just hit the Jackpot” without irony. But these ladies might just be able to pull it off…

Honorable Mentions:

Christina Hendricks.

She might be a touch too curvy (for the part, not for me, I’d like to make that clear) and projects a wisdom beyond her years but I think if a new film was set with a slightly older Peter Parker this could totally work. Works for me at any rate.

Emily Blunt

I’m sure I wasn’t the only one who was disappointed to hear she wasn’t playing the Black Widow, but I think she might lend a touch of class to MJ, especially a period piece 60’s style MJ

Amy Adams

She gets the honorable mention because I think she is quite a good actress, and certainly easy on the eyes…something is not quite right for MJ, maybe she’s a little too bright and sunshiney, but it would be interesting to see her take a crack at it.

Daneel Harris

I haven’t seen enough One Tree Hill to know if she’s really all that good, but I’m prepared to give her a shot based on how much she looks the part. Can you imagine your aunt setting you up with this girl? No wonder Peter is so devoted to Aunt May.

Hey, you know who I DON’T want to play the part?

Laura Prepon. Her entire acting range is “Eric!! What the hell? You Dillhole!” She specializes in various states of annoyance it seems. No thank you.

And the “If I Had a Time Machine” award goes to…

Angie Everhart.

Jackpot, Tiger. Jackpot.

And Now…The Top 3…

#3 Evan Rachel Wood

She’s a stunning, intelligent redhead, who can act, sing (Across the Universe) and likes to date freaks…how much more Mary Jane can you get than that? And speaking of unusual taste in men…

#2 Isla Fisher

I still can’t believe Borat makes sexy time with this woman. I think what would be interesting here is that she has a softer look, she’s still model quality, but still has that “Girl next door” approachability going for her. I could totally see Peter obsessing about this girl his whole life.

And My #1 choice for the recasting of Mary Jane Watson is…

#1 Alicia Witt.

Yes, Alia from Dune grew up rather strikingly. I think I actually read somewhere that she was even offered the part and turned it down, for whatever reason. Regardless of whether or not that is true, she pulls of the model look, while never coming across as vapid or empty. I think the spirit of MJ is every bit as important as the look, and I think she pulls off both masterfully.

So there you have it…Who did I miss? Any more suggestions? Join us next time when we have the temerity to suggest casting an actual Blonde who can ACT in the role of Sue Storm

See you then.