“I wonder if Bono and U2 are going on tour this summer”, thought Jeff Jenkins, while checking out his new iPad. He hadn’t been sleeping well, and was trying to find ways to help fall asleep. So far, he’d been forced to scroll through a number of articles about naturally increasing the size of your penis, to his chagrin.

“Enough of this”, he declared. “I don’t give a damn whether or not Paris Hilton is hanging out with Justin Bieber, or whether the rumors about Conan O’Brien getting a new show are true or not. I’m going out for a nice, relaxing run, followed by some hot yoga.”

As Jeff made his way through his run, he thought of how his stress level was high, and wondered if the solution was to purchase real estate in Florida. He’d heard wonderful things about the Orlando area, and it’s close proximity to Disney World. But the more he thought about it, the more he realized that the answer wasn’t something material. The answer was inside of him. He needed to unleash his inner strength. He needed to figure out how to lose inches of belly fat with 1 simple step. That step was belief.

At that moment, he stumbled off the path, and into the lap of the unsuspecting Miley Walken, a shy young woman who had a successful career in the field of technology. She was interested in things like bicycling, twitter, and comic books.

“I’m so sorry”, Jeff said, picking himself up.

“It’s okay”, Miley replied. She closed her Acer Aspire notebook, and looked at him through her Oakley sunglasses. ” I shouldn’t have been sitting here, so close to the path. I was trying to find cheap healthcare insurance online.”

“Any luck?”

“Not yet”, Miley said, with a smile. It was the kind of smile one would see on the face of George Clooney, or perhaps Madonna.

“I could help you with that search, if you like. I worked for Google for a summer, and am wise in the ways of SEO”, Jeff said.

“What is SEO?” Miley asked.

“Search Engine Optimization. It deals mostly with the way the web pages are stored and how their tags allow search engines to find them and deliver traffic to them when people search a number of popular phrases”, Jeff replied.

“Interesting”, Miley said, lying.

“Maybe I could explain more about it to you over a coffee at Starbucks. I go there a lot, ever since I thought to myself ‘Who makes the best coffee in the world?” Jeff said.

And so, they walked off together, in to the bright California sun. Had there been music playing, it would have been something like “California Gurls” by Katy Perry, or perhaps something by the Black Eyed Peas.

Here it is folks, the Brackets with a little preview of what’s coming up. Here’s who’s on deck in the coming weeks.

1. Daredevil vs. Flash WINNER: The Flash
2. Spiderman vs. Green LanternWINNER: Spider-Man
3. Iron Man vs. Superman
4. Batman vs. Rorschach
5. Hulk vs. Hellboy
6. Wolverine vs. Aquaman
7. Kitty Pryde vs. Robin(One of us has an Ellen Page Fetish and was rather insistent. I’m not pointing any fingers, I would just like Robbie Rob Town to rent “Hard Candy” as a cautionary tale)
8. Captain America vs. Wonder Woman

Place your bets, pick a favorite, and get ready to whine in the comments section…The Superhero Smakdown of ’09 has begun

Superhero Smackdown!
Friday Night Fight!
Here at The Correctness SportsishNetwerkkz, we offer our be-all-end-all absolutely correct answers on which superheroes would win in a fight. Marvel? DC? Watchmen as distributed by DC? Spongebob Squarepants? It’s a 16 superhero smackdown to find one final winner! The playoffs continue this week in the Pengrowth Deathdrome

Green Lantern vs. Spider-Man

Rob: Well, I’m going to weigh in here ignorant. I never read the Green Lantern, and I used to be a total Marvel guy- except that I didn’t realy “get” the X-men, so, when I say “Marvel Guy” I mean “Spider-Man”. Spidey has a lot going for him. His spider sense warns him of imminent danger, and he can stick to stuff. Lest we forget, that he can swing from webs, any size, and he catches theives, just like flies. In fact, in the chill of night, at the scene of the crime, like a streak of light, he arrives just in time.  How many times have you said to yourself- “Man, that streak of light arrived just in time, fast things are very much like streaks of light, for all fast things are timely.”? Lots of times, probably.

Second of all, willpower isn’t much of a power. I mean, Hal Jordan, Susan Powter, you guys tell me the difference. One can make green hammers with his ring, and the other is a motivational fitness expert from the early nineties. Same same.

Maybe I’m being unfair on the Green Lantern because I don’t get how anyone who gets bitten by a radioactive lantern could become a superhero. I mean, that has to be the shittiest origin story ever told, and I remind you that I wrote and created the “Human Man” show, so, I know a thing or two about shitty origin stories. Nonetheless, if I had to be bitten by something radioactive, it would be a spider, or a fuckin’ shark, but not a green lantern, that’s totally retarded.

While I’m on the subject, i would love to be bitten by a radioactive shark, that would be the fucking coolest. It’s a fucking shark, people, a radioactive underwater death merchant with no fear. It’s like Daredevil, only good, and not stupid and totally hopeless in a fight against The Flash. Then, as Shark man, I would wreak havoc on the denizens of port cities, and I would eat the fuck out of Aquaman. Oh, and I don’t want Alan Moore anywhere near the writing, I want to be a purposeless killing machine, not a nuanced child abuse victim.

Anyways, Spidey takes this fight, no sweat.

Dave: Well, Rob should clearly be reading more comics, as he hasn’t discovered that Marvel has been terrible for about a decade now. But, I digress.

On the surface, this would seem to be an unfair match, with Green Lantern wielding the power of the central battery on OA. Hal Jordan was able to overcome death, as well as being the spirit of vengeance, and return to our world. He can create anything his mind can conceive, though apparently his mind only thinks of stuff that is green.

On the Con side: In All Star Batman and Robin, Hal Jordan was almost killed by a combination of a can of paint and a 12 year old. Also, Green Lantern depends on a rechargeable ring for his power, and as anyone who owns anything that needs charging will testify, they have a habit of crapping out on you when you need them both.

Spider-Man has many things going for him in this fight. He has Spidey-Sense, which warns him of impending danger, and allows him to react, and escape from danger. Add to this the whole strength and agility part, and he’s pretty freaking deadly. He tends to hold back in combat, and is capable of going toe-to-toe with the Hulk. With his quick wits and ability to adapt and outlast his opponents, he could easily keep Green Lantern occupied long enough to exhaust his power ring, while cracking wise the entire time.

So, while this fight is much closer than last weeks battle, I would give this fight to the Spectacular Spider-Man.

Tony: It comes down to the following questions:

1. Is Spidey smart enough to go get himself  a yellow suit?

2.Is he capable of getting the ring off of Hal?

3. Did Spider-man 3 suck ass, or what?

The answer to all three questions is yes. But this is no walk over. The Green Lanterns most devastating attack  has always been the power of green vagueness.  Which, for comic book writers, means he’s capable of just about anything, up to and including hitting on Superman at the JLA Christmas party. However, whatever Hal throws at him, Spidey knows it’s coming before it happens and gets out of the way. Eventually Spidey will realize , through a series of thought balloons that go on for far too long, that he needs to separate man from ring,and after some difficulty will probably manage to do so.

SPIDEY: Got to get that ring off of him….

GL: Keep still, you little fuck!

(One complicated plan involving the color yellow, some webbing and a distraction later)

GL: Gimme my ring back!!!

SPIDEY: Not until you teach me to harness it’s power to erase Spider-Man 3 from existence

GL: Fair enough

Definitely a win in the Spidey column

The winner, once again by unanimous decision…Spider-Man!

That’s one for DC, one for Marvel for those keeping count. We are adjusting our brackets slightly, but there should be some swell visuals to follow this  some tome today. In the meantime feel free to disagree, in a cordial fashion below. Or just ready your arguments for next week, as the Man of Iron faces the Man of Steel! Supes takes on Iron Man right here next week, so stay tuned.