(Note: This is a repost of the original.)

No there hasn’t been an announcement, no plans of any kind that I know of. I was just re-reading some of my Bloom County books last night. Bloom County was a staple of my high school years, and probably largely responsible for my leftist political leanings. The strip is definitely responsible for me exclaiming “Dandy!” more often than any sane person should in everyday conversation. As I was chuckling away down memory lane last night I started thinking about how a Bloom County movie might go.

I am making the following assumptions…it would be live action, with the animals being CGI ala Garfield. The Children would be unknown but talented child actors. There would probably be at least 1 musical number. And it would bomb horribly at the box office. But let’s press on and cast it anyway shall we?

STEVE DALLAS

Bloom County’s yuppie lawyer, permanent bachelor, would be ladies man and all around douchebag,. He’s the kind of guy that MTV would be falling over themselves to give a reality show to. And while his real life counterpart might be Spencer Pratt, I think he needs someone who can play a goofy, lovable douchebag, which is why my first choice is…

WILL ARNETT

First of all, he’s hysterical. He knows exactly how to turn up the slime but it’s still near impossible to hate the guy. My wife, Amber thinks he’s too goofy, and thinks Colin Farrell has more of the doucheyness required, but I think I’m sticking to my guns on this one.

CUTTER JOHN

Wheelchair bound everyman, if everyman had a cheesy mustache and feathered har. And at the time the strip was written, they totally did, so there you go. He was also, you may remember, Captain of the Starchair Enterpoop. Clearly we need someone with some captaining experience which is why I nominate…

NATHAN FILLION

If anyone can pull off the Gary Sandy Feathered hair and fireman calendar cheesy mustache it’s Mal Reynolds himself. He’s got leading man charm, good comedic chops, and the ability to be bad ass, even when stuck in a wheelchair.

BOBBI HARLOW

Granted, Bloom County is a bit of a sausage fest, but the pretty, independently minded schoolteacher Bobbi Harlow had a pretty good run early on. She dated Steve, briefly and painfully before falling for Cutter John. The triangle made for some pretty good strips, like the one above. I think it would at least make a decent subplot for the non zoological adults in the movie. My choice for Bobbi would probably be…

COBIE SMULDERS

For a couple of reasons, one, I can’t cast Anne Hathaway in EVERYTHING as much as I would like to, and 2. I think she’s underrated on How I Met Your Mother. I think a small but important role in a goofy movie might be a great way for her to break in. Also she’s Canadian. Hooray. And hot. Hooray again.

MILO , BINKLEY and OLIVER

As I said before, the kids would have to be a group of very talented unknowns, but here are a few suggestions of the TYPES you might want to look for…For Milo, I think Peter Billingsly circa 1983 is what you should be looking out for,

for Binkley a 12 year old Michael Cera type might do the trick

and for Oliver..well I’m not sure, but I know what you SHOULDN’T be looking for…

OPUS

The Icon, the Legend the Penguin. Meadow party vice presidential Candidate, Electric Tuba player, and merchandising boon. He’s sweet, vulnerable, anxiety prone, and yet oddly heroic…even brave in his own way. This was a tough one that I wasn’t able to narrow down to just one. So feel free to vote for your favorite. Candidate Number One is…

DAVID HYDE PIERCE

Opus is nothing if not erudite, and David Hyde Pierce corners the market on that. I always pictured Opus as having a slightly fussy voice it suited his vocabulary and his vulnerability. Just picture him turning to the camera and saying lines like “As God is my witness I have no idea what I should do” and “On the whole, I’d rather be in Philadelphia…” But then again there is also…

NEIL PATRICK HARRIS

Okay, so whoever plays Opus has to have three names and be able to belt out showtunes, that much we have clearly established. NPH is fast becoming name that might actually DRAW on a marquee, owing to several levels of sheer awesomeness. Have a look at Dr. Horrible and tell me you don’t see at least SOME Opus in that performance, particularly in the song “Laundry day”

Tough choice…what do you think?

Oooh…what about Jim Parsons from Big Bang theory…DAMMIT!!!

PORTNOY and HODGE PODGE

The Abbot and Costello of Bloom County, Portnoy being the slightly more aggressive of the two. I kept wondering who would make a great comedy team, maybe a couple of guys who were already pals…so for Portnoy I went with

PATTON OSWALT

Who has a ton of voice over experience, the right attitude, and let’s face it, even kinda looks like him.

See?And as his partner in crime…

DAVID CROSS

Who is, sadly, very used to dealing with cgi animals.

Honorable metions go out to Will Ferrel as the Giant Monster in Binkleys closet, Maybe Drew Barrymore as Lola Granola, because if she married Tom Green she’d have no issue in being engaged to a penguin, Tina Fey as the Basselope…and oh yeah…Bill the Cat?

Need I say more?

Part one of a series of articles in which the Correctness recasts some our favourite comic book heroines, and reclaims them from some performances that left…some room for improvement. This week, we tackle Superman’s REAL weakness, Ms. Lois Lane.

Who is Being Replaced? Kate Bosworth

Superman Returns was, I think we can all agree, a bit of a misfire. It had a number of problems (Superman lifting a kryptonite continent into the sky after being stabbed by kryptonite being a big one for me) but it had its share of good things too.(Plane sequence was awesome)Many internet pundits complained about Kate Bosworth’s Lois, said she was bland and possessed none of the fire Lois really needs. In a way she became, fairly or unfairly, a microcosm of everyone’s problem with the movie. Pretty, but ultimately empty and unmoving. Personally, I didn’t think she was horrible, but I do think she was miscast. So let’s see if we can do any better…

PLEASE NOTE: I will not be recasting Erica Durance because I do not give a shit about Smallville. There, I said it. The Justice League are not hunky douchebags. Superman 90210 can suck my balls.

HONORABLE MENTIONS:

Here’s a few people who probably could have done better with the part, but for one reason or another, didn’t quite make the Top 3

Grace Park

If they can cast Kingpin as an African American then I have no problem giving the part of Lois to Grace Park, who has tons of Geek Cred, and displayed plenty of sassy attitude during her run on Battlestar Galactica. She can pull off the action sequences and the romance sequences equally well and I think she’s a great choice for a fresh take on the character.

Jennifer Connolly

She might be a little sick of playing the female love interest for insanely strong beings, but she is a damned good actress and let’s face it, still rather breathtaking. She has the right look for either a period piece (see the Rocketeer) or more contemporary version. Some might argue she is a little old for a “reimagining”, but I think with a good Superman in the same age bracket, we’d have something pretty memorable on our hands.

Natalie Portman

Yes, yes, the nerds and their weird, sick Natalie Portman obsession, but dreadful Star Wars work aside, she can act, she’s smart, sexy, and I can completely buy her charging into deep shit to get the story. She might be a little on the petite side, but I think she makes up for it with pure sass. To be honest with you, I don’t think she would have made my list had it not been for the Natalie Raps thing on SNL. “I never said I was a role model.” That sounds like Lois to me.

The “If I Had A Time Machine Award” goes to…

Pheobe Cates circa 1983

Giggidy.

Giggidy.

Goo.

The downside of course is that a Superman of that era would likely be Matthew Broderick, or worse Arnold Schwartzenegger. On the other hand, I’m sure there would be lots of excuses to put Lois in a bikini. You take the good, you take the bad.

THE TOP THREE

#3 Anne Hathaway

Here she is, the only reason you rented Havoc. She’s been nominated for Oscars, showed us her depth (and a couple of other things) in Brokeback Mountain and Rachel Getting Married, and she has performed as Viola in Shakespeare in the Park in NYC. There is no doubt Ms. Hathaway has the chops, but she’s also got the right look, and Bride Wars aside, her career is white hot right now. She adds a touch of class to even the silliest movies she does, and many a drooling nerd would slap down 15 bucks to see her as Lois.

#2 Zooey Deschanell

I want you all to do me a favour. Go to your local bookstore and hunt around in the bargain bin for a copy of the Secret. Then, follow whatever it tells you about focusing your wishing power to make stuff happen. Then close your eyes and wish like a motherfucker for a stylized 1930’s Fleischer-esque Superman movie starring Jon Hamm and Zooey Deschanell, featuring a tricked out steampunk Brainiac as the villain.

WISH HARDER!!!!!

and my Number 1 Choice for a recast of Lois Lane

#1 Olivia Wilde

Is that, or is that not a face that would bring Superman to his knees? She plays a strong professional woman every week on House, and with that dark hair she almost LOOKS like something out of a Bruce Timm cartoon.
She’s like Megan Fox with 75% more brains and 100% less skank. I mean LOOK at her…

To my mind if she is hot enough to marry a Prince, she is certainly hot enough for Superman.

So, who did I miss? Am I way off? Let me know what you think below, and stay tuned next week when we tackle recasting Mary Jane Watson