ACTION SMACKDOWN!

 

This week, John McLane versus James Bond! Will Jimmy get Jacked? Will a Johnny get Jimmied? Stay tuned!

 

 

Tbinns

I’ve said it before and I’ve said it again…if this was the character of James Bond overall, he’d run through EVERYONE like a hot knife through butter. The ONLY REASON this isn’t a cakewalk is that we have limited it to Daniel Craig. We only have two movies to draw precedent from, and it makes this something approximating a fair fight.

So let’s go through this step by step.

Weapons are on a high platform. We can infer from the running sequence in Casino Royal that Bond will gain the early advantage first. However, and this is vital…McClane thrives in situations where someone else has the upper hand. If he were an artist, it would be his chosen medium. Some people work with clay, some with oil painting, McClane works in turning things around right when you think he’s fucked.

And let’s face it, he does have some experience eliminating snooty Europeans.

What about if the shit gets real in a hand to hand way? Both are hard asses, but if I were handing out a Hard Ass Trophy,(What would THAT look like, I wonder?) I would probably give it to the guy who had his balls pulverized and still wouldn’t talk before I give it to the guy who ran over glass. Both guys have killed people with their bare hands…only to have them come back to life and nearly get killed. The difference is when it happened to Bond…he corrected his own mistake, McClane had to be rescued by the dad from Family Matters.

How humiliating is that?

So it would appear on the surface that this is tilting toward Bond but not so fast…

The appeal, for me anyway, of Craig’s Bond is the fact that he’s a bit green, he makes mistakes, he loses his cool. McClane has it all over this particular Bond in terms of experience in tight situations.

I think tactically, they are both pretty equal, you don’t take out a building/airport/city full of terrorists/thieves without knowing a little something about tactics. But Bond is fucking tenacious. He will run you down on foot, by truck, by boat, he does not give a fuck, he will not stop until one of you is dead.

Wow. This is one of the toughest ones so far.

But I think I’m going with Bond.

My reasons being an MI6 Agent is bound to have a few more tricks up his sleeve than a former NYPD Officer. Chances are Bond was recruited from the SAS, widely considered the most elite fighting force on the planet. I don’t think McClane can match that in terms of training, or even the various ways one can stop a fellow human from breathing .I also think in an arena, the chances of employing McClane’s guerrilla tactics are pretty much zero, so you have taken away one of his major advantages. It’s a long tough fight but in the end, I have to give it to Bond.

JAMES BOND WILL RETURN IN “The Next Round Of Smackdown”

Winner: Bond

 

 

Admin_Rock:

This one is an interesting fight. We have the superspy, the master of tactics vs the man who who has an x-factor, the guy the rules rarely apply to.

On a purely personal level, Daniel Craig’s Bond bores the Living Shit out of me. And before you get up in my grill about it, recognize that I’m a lifelong Bond fan, that I know of what I speak. But the current Bond writers have it all wrong. Casino Royale was a nice “reboot”, and a fun jumping off spot, but they immediately made a mess of things again. He’s not a Bond that I get excited about, or can get behind. Who knows, maybe the next film will prove me wrong. We can only hope.

John McClane, however, is a hero for the ages. He’s deeply flawed, and as human as it gets. I believe that had the original Die Hard ended with him taking a bullet at he saves the day, the movie would be an instant classic, and people would be writing term papers about it and him. But, in Hollywood, cash is king, and we get sequels.

The thing that makes this battle tricky is that all of Bond’s strengths play directly to McClane’s strengths. For every insightful tactical move, McClane has a lucky move. For each well thought out strike, McClane has his way of making it fail. So, on the surface, it seems like McClane is unstoppable.

But the problem is that McClane comes out on top by luck, by tenacity, by chance. Bond does as well, but he’s amuch better improvisor. Bond makes it look effortless, where McClane puts all his energy in to creating what Bond does with ease. So when the first burst of flurries are done, McClane is spent, and Bond is just getting warmed up.

John buddy, I love you to pieces, but we have to give this round to Bond.

Winner: Bond

 

 

 

RobbieRobTown:

First off, if I were a tyrannosaurus rex, I would wreck your balls for my pleasure. I would stomp ‘em! I would stomp your balls, and then I would eat them, but not in a sexy way- I would eat them in a cruel tyrannosaurus rex way, and then I would poop your balls out on a rice cake, and make you eat my ballspoop. Tyrannosaurus Wrecks-yer-balls! It would be the last time in your life you ever hear this phrase: “Nice sack, champ,”, because you wouldn’t have a sack and you wouldn’t be a champ. What’s up with coaches always complimenting a champions scrotum? That seems a difficult compliment to give. Still, I mean, I wish I could hear the phrase “Nice sack, champ!” more often, because hardly anyone, coaches or no, compliments my junk anymore.

So, which of our heroes this week has the requisite satchel of hot nuts to win a battle? Who has the bearings and who has the flapjacks? Who has the cajones, and who has the retarded gonads?

John Mclane has a giant sackfull of cantaloupes. He is always laying down his bowling-ball-caddy on the table at parties and is all like “Who wants to kick this? I dare you”. He has such a weighty pouch that it has an event horizon. He has such huge globes that the Rockefeller Plaza Christmas tree is all like “I wish my balls were as huge as that”. John Mclane has such an impressive cargo truck that airports blow up inside his scrotum, like, all the time.

James Bond, on the other hand, has an immense spheroidal flesh croquet game being played his pantaloons. His tailored Burberry coat can barely cover the rolling crotch real estate betwixt his thighs. James bond has such an unfathomably deep pocketspouch that R’lyeh is down there. If James Bond’s balls were were made of concrete, you could make a 600 foot tall snowman out of them. James Bond has such enormous janglyjewels that whenever he walks around, you can hear the sound of the distant future falling through a gravity well, which sounds exactly like giant water-filled weather balloons splattering on orphans. Yeah, those orphans are gonna need, like, 200 quanta of solace to feel better once they cross paths with those dangly planetoids.

I think when these fellas go sack to sack, the real winner will be friendship, because these guys have enough balls to seriously make out when they see each other. It takes major testicular fortitude to make out with another dude. I would pay to see that, am I right guys?

Bond is smart, McLane isn’t really, Bond wins. Nice sack, Champ!

Winner: Bond

Loser: Your future erections.

Decision: James Bond

So Bond moves on to the Semi-Final. Next week, Jason Bourne vs the Bride (Beatrix Kiddo), as the Quarter Finals draw to a close.

Agree? Disagree? Have a thought? Feel like attacking others on the internet to make yourself feel like a big man? All of this and more…below.

As we prep for the big non-super action movie hero Smackdown, there was some discussion about the line John McClane says in the screen classic Die Hard 2: Die Harder, “How can the same s*** happen to the same guy twice?” and if in fact the same thing continues to happen for the next two installments or if it was two of the one thing, then two somewhat different things.

This led to a free-form Round Table discussion of Die Hard.

 

Cub Reporter Keith

My opinion is that the “same s***” mentioned by officer McClane is being alone+no one believing him+terrorists which would mean same thing twice, slightly different thing two more times. Having taken this time to think critically about the series I began thinking of how awesome Die Hard was and how disappointing I found “Die Hard and the Crystal Skull” or whatever the fourth one was.

How do I go about critiquing one of my favorite film franchises? Die Hard has been in my top 5 favorite films of all time since first released decades ago. When renting films, my brothers and I would rent Die Hard at least once a month. It was the first film I owned on VHS and among the first on DVD then Blu-Ray.

The only solution to such emotionally charged analysis – math.

As is clear from the above graph, the declining quality of the Die Hard franchise is directly correlated to the amount of Reginald Veljohnson and Yippi-kay-yay motherf***ers included. Also, the most important factor can be shown to be the lack of Kevin Smith in the earlier films.

By this we can infer a) the law of diminishing returns, b) I quite like doing graphs, c) John McClane is better when he swears and d) Kevin Smith sucks.

Admin_Rock

Love me some Die Hard. I remember seeing the first film in the theatre, for two reasons: 1) The sound was cranked way the f*&^ up, and that was awesome and painful. 2) One of the girls with us spoke German, and translated everything the blonde dudes said.

Loved Die Hard, Liked Die Harder a lot, DHwaV was pretty damn good too, and (full disclaimer with shame) didn’t see LFoDH. In my head, it’s not reaaaaaaly a sequel. I stand to be corrected.

The original argument started with a discussion of how many times the same thing happened to the same guy. I contend that while there are 4 Die Hard films, really only the first two are similar. They both have the “right guy in the wrong place at the wrong time” motif. DHwaV also shows the adventures of John McClane, but it’s a different beast. It’s a buddy movie, and it takes us to a number of locations. I seem to remember something about one of the puzzles actually being incorrect, but I will have to rewatch before I can comment.

No matter how you slice it, McClane is a bad-ass, and will be tricky to beat in the impending Smackdown. He’s the full package: smart, fast, inventive, and lucky.

RobbieRobTown

What I remember most about the Die Hard franchise is the gruff demeanour of Bruce Willis set against the tough-but-vulnerable Cybill Shepherd. I tuned in every week to watch new episodes of Die Hard, and see the fruits of their careful detective work- not to mention the romance!

Perhaps it is a bit ironic that I say this, but my favourite Die Hard movie is probably the one where John McClane is an ex-space marine who lands in a whole heap of trouble just as an orange -haired Milla Jovovich lands in the back seat of his hovercab! There are some memorable explosions at the airport.

I thought the spin-off movie franchise where Bruce Willis moves to a new town as a hard-edged journalist named “Murphy Brown” was somewhat less inspired. I did, however , enjoy “Die Hard VII: Kate and Allie” immensely.

TBINNS

I’m gonna go with two and a half times. Once in Die Hard, Once in Die Harder, and although the third one was a scavenger hunt for bombs with Samuel L. Jackson, he was still dealing with terrorists who were actually sophisticated thieves in disguise. That counts as a half. I have no idea who was in Live Free or Die Hard, but it sure as hell wasn’t John McCLane. John McCLane swears. People bleed when John McCLane shoots them. John McCLane does not buddy around with the “I’m an Mac” guy and Kevin Smith trying to stop Seth Bullock from committing cyber crime. It’s a well known fact that it was actually a completely different script before McCLane was shoe horned in there to try and make it a Die Hard movie. It shows. You can’t just cram John McCLane into other movies willy nilly and expect it to be a Die Hard movie.

Or can you?

Die Hard of the Rings

Die Hard the Barbarian

The Die Hardover

Die Hard the Pooh

No. No you really can’t.

Intern Benji

I remember Die Hard. I saw it on TBS when I was hanging out with a girl…who later let me have sex with her. This started my keen interest in girls…especially the having sex with them part, which is a pursuit I have devoted my life to, instead of…oh, I don’t know…making charts about shitty generic action movies.

Thank Christ this summer is almost over. If it wasn’t for porn, you guys would have almost managed to put me off the internet entirely.

The Correctness has been receiving a fair amount of e-mail looking for clarifications and understand about plot points in famous films. We, as always, are correct, and aim to spread understanding in these cases. Let us begin.

Dear Correctness,

Was the gun that Edward Norton’s character uses at the end of Fight Club real, or was it imaginary like Tyler Durden?

Jim in Brooklyn

- Jim,

The Correctness follows very strict guidelines in these matters, and as such we would be breaking the first two rules of Fight Club to discuss this.

Dear Correctness,

if Darth Vader became good again at the end of Return of the Jedi, why did Luke burn his body?

Drew in Toronto

-Drew,

Really? That confused you? It was similar to a Viking Burial. It was a respectful gesture, not an angry one. Damn, I’m surprised you didn’t get that. Huh.

Dear Correctness,

How come Lois Lane is alive at the end of Superman. She died in the earthquake in her car.

Jerry in Portland

-Jerry,

Did you not see the part where Superman flew around the Earth a whole bunch of times, really fast? He was reversing time, in order to save Lois. Maybe you were in the bathroom for that part or something.

Dear Correctness,

How come Sylar was still alive after the Season 1 finale of Heroes? We saw him get destroyed.

Jane in L.A.

-Jane,

Look. Heroes is just retarded. Only morons are still watching that shit.That’s all you need to know.

Dear Correctness,

Was Bruce Willis’ character in the Sixth Sense really dead?

Terry in Dallas

-Terry,

Holy crap. Are you really asking that? It was pretty much the whole point of the movie. I need an aspirin.

Dear Correctness,

I’ve never understood this one: In the movie “The Godfather”, which character was The Godfather. It’s very confusing to me.

Gail in St. Louis

Gail,

No. No way. Bullshit. No one is that fucking stupid. You go to hell, Gail.

Dear Correctness,

When you answered that question about Fight Club, what was that bit about the rules. I don’t remember any rules. I don’t get it.

Gill in Tokyo

Gill,

Again, I think you’re jerking my chain. First, EVERYONE knows the First Rule of Fight Club. EVERYONE. Secondly, how did you read the earlier question , when it’s clearly in the same article as this one. Look, when I agreed to do this answers crap, I figured people were going to ask questions about the ending of the Prestige, or the timeline of Donnie Darko, or whatever that mess of an ending of “No Country For Old Men” was. Hell, I was ready to go on at length about the meaning of “There Will Be Blood” and why it 10 times as good as you probably think it is. But this stuff is ridiculous.  “I don’t get the ending of Superman???” You are the kind of people that go to Transformers, knowing full well it will be a big sack of crap.

Dear Correctness,

Why was it called “Finding Nemo”, when there was no character calle

Fuck it, I’m done.