Dear Local Restaurant/Lounge:

I drove past your street sign the other day, its flourescent letters still arranged in their original message- a tantalizing offering to the urban teens with time to spare. How many words contain the necessary letters for “Ass Rods on Your Nuts”, I wonder? In any case, your sign, confoundingly, said the following:

“We have one of the best burgers in town!”

Where do I begin?

If you had simply claimed to have THE BEST burgerS in town, I would have understood you were attempting to promote your burger(s), which, subjectively, and according to no system of scientific standards that I am aware of, is (are) very tasty. No need to qualify your opinion by saying that you have, though not in a legally binding way, a competitively delicious burger. It’s an ad, I get it. In fact if the advertisement had said “we have the best burgers in the goddamn universe”, I would have still understood your signage , no matter how much hyperbole you chose to employ.

But, you did not say “we have the best burgers in town.” You said “We have one of the best burgers in town”.

Did you simply craft, in a perfect moment, one of the best burgers in town? If so, well done (no pun intended), but how long will your single masterwork burger be the best one? I’m going to hazard a guess that after about 30 minutes, I can get a hotter, more fresh burger at the A&W.

Did you go to another restaurant, and procure JUST ONE of the burgers from the best restaurant in town, and you wanted me to know that? As in “We have ONE of the best burgers in town.” ? Are you going to put this burger in the mix? Might I receive this burger instead of one of your own? Again, I bring up the shelf-life issue. And if it is from a fast food joint, I bring up the half-life issue. Eating fast food burgers is how people get bitten by radioactive lanterns and become Sinestro.

Or, did you want to threaten me? Did you take a burger hostage, and do you have a forthcoming list of demands? “We HAVE one of the best burgers in town, and if you don’t release the secrets of the burger, we will kill one Guatemalan immigrant every half hour. Bring mustard.”

Do you have no confidence in your burgers? Man up! Grow three extra dicks and scream it loud: “I have the best burgers and town, and shit yeah motherfucker, I have something to confess: I have four dicks!”

Oh, Local Restaurant/Lounge, high school is for everyone, and education is virtually free. Learn words or grow additional wangs.

Sincerely, RobbieRobTown.