Last week the DC relaunch #1 of Catwoman was the object of much controversy for a non-nude sex scene between Catwoman and Batman. I’ve always said that comics as a medium are not a child’s art form. This without further comment is the picture that appeared in my head as people got upset to an irrational level about a story aimed at adults.

 

It started like any other day in Metropolis. People were commuting to work, going about their daily lives, being blase about an invulnerable man who can fly, numb from the number of times their city had been threatened by giant somethings from space. When suddenly a giant tear in the fabric of the universe! Very few even looked up from their coffee, a pervasive “Ehhh…whatever, Superman will take care of it” attitude having taken hold of a populace weary of wonders.

 

When the giant saucer arrived, there were some perfunctory screams… you know, for the sake of form. When the giant infant piloting the craft began his drooling destruction of the city, The Mayor shrugged and made a phone call…

To the Justice league!!!

Superman flies straight in for the direct attack

Big mistake

He is crushed by Giant Baby and his own hubris

“This is worse than Doomsday” he mutters. Meanwhile The citizens of Metropolis gather around water oolers to discuss Metropolis Idol

The Man of Steel is down for the count

Next up, the Green Lantern takes his shot

Too much yellow matter in the diaper… the ring is Useless!

Neither willpower nor box office can save him now

He has been been “Paralaxed”

Off goes the Flash!

He attempts to create a vortex to send the infant back where it came from

But he gets too close!

Not fast enough Flash!

Your ass has been rebooted.

Here comes Wonder Wom…oh. Crap.

Invisable Jet Down!!!

No amount of Yoga is going to make that not hurt.

and with one swift motion…

He does to her what ABC did to her new TV show.

But wait…look behind you Giant Infant!!!

Batman’s well placed distraction is working!!! The trap is about to be sprung!

Batman lands the drop kick…the baby is furious!!!

But Batman has no powers…

and an angry baby is worse than ten angry Bane’s

 

Knightfall!

 

“You are next Avengers!!!!” he screams

“Do you Hear me? YOU ARE NEXT!!!!”

 

 

“Spider senses tingling…oh shit!”

 

 

Damn right!

 

 

Tbinns Junior is Victorious. Metropolis is destroyed. Part of them are relieved. Stay tuned…coming soon, Tbinns Junior takes on…THE AVENGERS!

 

 

Time for some Superteam Smackdown, live from the The Correctness’s new Herodome, located in sunny downtown Newville. The tailgates are up, the beer is cold, the snacks are carby, it’s time for some smackdown! We have 8 classic superhero teams fighting it out to see who can claim the title.

This week It’s the Justice League vs. The X-men. Two titans of of the superteam genre, more titanic even than the Teen Titans, who suck a bunch.

The JLA (Superman, Wonder Woman, Flash, Batman, Aquaman)

vs

The X-men (Cyclops, Wolvie, Jean, Colossus, and Rogue)

RULES:

-The two day prep, fight in an arena still applies.

-No outside interference from people who are NOT on your team. Ie: No stunts from Franklin and Professor X. Your team is your team and that’s who you’ve got.

-Heroes with Multiple team affiliations can only fight for 1 team

- Only 5 members max per team. Current lineups are based on our choices, as we are awesome.

-Remember, this speculation is based on the TEAM MEMBERS we have assembled. Yes, the results would have been very different if Professor X was on the Team, or Green Lantern, or Martian Manhunter or whomever. But they aren’t, so the results are based on who we’ve got.

RobbieRobTown:

WARNING: I promised you people a non-sensical rant. If you want writing that makes sense, scroll down to the submissions from the other boys.

We have some lovely friends on FARK. Also, and somewhat unsurprisingly on FARK, we have some people who really hate us. That’s the whole point of FARK, really. Good on ‘em. Thank Christ almighty we haven’t upset 4Chan.
In any case, “It’s Fixed!” comes the battle cry from the FARK forums! “Fixy fix fiiiiiixxxx!” they shout.

“But we have all those rules!” we explain.

“Fixy fix fix!” They type, aggressively.

“But we’re just writers anyway, and we have nothing to gain from fixing these events, not even favour from our dwindling readership,” we add.

“Fixitty fix fix!” They say. “Plus, you are phoning it in, and you suuuuhuuuuuck!”

But they are right of course. Nothing can prove we don’t preplan this in detail- every last unsatisfying detail. Every missed opportunity for a joke? Planned by me personally. I have been simply throwing you off the trail of my subversive plot to entertain you slightly less than I once did! I have everything to gain! HAHAHAHAHA! It all makes perfect sense.

I suppose, then, it is time I reveal the details of my plan. This article will be my Corbomite maneuver. This is tranya, bitches. I hope you relish it as much as I.  Wait, this will be my Kobayashi Maru. No, wait- This is my Sci Fi Channel’s 2008 “Rock Monster”. You are about to witness the penultimate unmotivated, illogical, irrational adventure into sheer stupidity, really, second only to Sci Fi Channel’s 2008 “Rock Monster”, which was just appalling in every way. Made no sense. At all. Buckle up.

Fuck our rules, I am adding 3 people and one monkey into this fight. Why? Because in the end, no one interested in having sex with me is basing their decision on this article.

Our regular readers (reader) know(s) that I hated it as a kid when the ratings solution to every regularly broadcast television program in the seventies, and eighties, was the addition of some cute kid, or kids to entice , well, kids. Sometimes they even got rid of the first cute kid (Judy Winslow, looking at you…) to replace that kid with some cuter kid.  I could make an exhaustive list of offenders, but we need not look much further than the satanists who work at Hanna-Barbera for the key evidence.

If we are going to have the Justice League fight, we are going to have them fight at their worst, handicapped (in both a golf way and a short-bus way) by the Wonder Twins. Not only that, but I’m adding Gleek. Gleek is a purple “space-monkey”, which is so wholly an unsatisfactory explanation for his biology or purpose that it just reeks of B science fiction writing- “Put the space-hats on the space-rack, and make it space-quick!”. It literally reeks, you can smell it from here, it smells like my lactose-intolerant poops after pizza night. Superman sure is mighty, he can deal with Brainiac, but can he deal with the Jar-Jar Binks of the DC universe? We’ll just see.

To the X-Men, I’m adding in Kitty Pryde. Why? A, because it is one of the few examples of the addition of a cute kid that has ever been successful, B, because she evolved into a kick-ass character, and C, because she has a dragon. Kitty Pryde has a motherfucking dragon. Is it purple? Yes, regrettably. Is it better than a space-monkey? Are you shitting me? Of course a dragon is better than a space-monkey, that is just a fact of science.

Hypothetical conversation:

Me: Would you rather have a saccharine cute dragon, or a retarded primate?

You: Dragon is an option? Dragon!

Me: You can have the monkey and a billion dollars.

You: Dragon!

Me: Both are pretty useless.

You: Dragon.

Me: Both are purple.

You: DRAGON!

Me: If you take the monkey, I’ll give you a dragon.

You: Dragon! Only dragon…or else…

Enough talk. Let’s fight! Here’s how it goes down:

Into the arena both teams go. Right of the bat, Gleek finds a chair to dry hump, and The “Wonder” Twins rush over to see if they can pry their monkey off. Yes, they have powers, but they are too distracted by their jack-off monkey to do anything. Bad news Super Friends, now someone has to babysit the teenage kids, and stop them from getting seriously killed.  They aren’t listening to Mom, so better send in Supes to give the kids a stern, boring, Americana lecture about planning. He’s out of the fight, he’ll be busy for like, forever. Maybe Jan and Mike Brady, or whoever, will eventually turn into an ice gondola and a purple eagle (purple!)- unless someone has stolen all of their rings- Gleek? Arrrgh! You infuriating primate! Gleek stole all of the rings, both from the Wonder Twins and The Green Lantern- That means even if GL could help (which he can’t, because of the rules about no additional team members that I am adhering to strictly), his ring would be covered in purple space-jizz.

Meanwhile, Aquaman (checks to see if anybody cares, moves on)…

Kitty Pryde is not sitting around doing nothing. She punches Wonder Woman right in the breast. POW! Straight to the boob! An infuriated Wonder Woman spends the rest of the fight purposelessly trying to hit Kitty Pryde in the box. This fight lasts until one of them gets too hungry to continue, and the their eyes meet. Kitty Pryde, and immovable object, Wonder Woman, and unstoppable force. Kitty, young, inexperienced, just freshly 19 years old and back with the X-men, her kick-ass ninja skills opening Diana’s eyes, and heart.  Wonder Woman suddenly sees something she never sees in the DC universe- a strong woman, a challenge. Kitty Pryde sees a woman she can respect.

There is a fight going on, but there is a spotlight on Kitty Pryde and Wonder Woman, at the center of the arena. “Dreamweaver” is playing.

“You fight well, young mortal, but you must learn honour,” says Wonder Woman.

Kitty Pryde’s uniform has been irreparably torn in the battle. “I rarely meet a worthy opponent.”

“Join me. I will be your teacher.” Diana, Amazon goddess, is then suddenly  wearing a hot teacher outfit. Probably with really well tailored grey wool pencil skirt.

“Perhaps only you can teach me what I must learn,” says Kitty Pryde, as she is inexplicably re-dressed in a catholic school-girl uniform.

Yes, I know I have written this kind of storyline before. Stop reading if you are so bored.

Diana puts her hand up to Kitty Pryde’s face. She strokes her cheek, and pulls her close. “Only a woman can guide you,” she says, as she draws Kitty yet closer, pulling back on her hair just slightly- roughly at first, the smell of the sweat from the battle on both of their skin, and then gently, caressing her.

“We never had lessons like this at Xavier’s school,” moans Kitty. Even Aquaman isn’t as wet as she is.

“That bald fool doesn’t have a lasso that makes you tell the truth. Now,” says Wonder Woman, “tell me what you really want…”

If you want more, send me a goddamn cheque, or click on our advertisers.

Anyhow, our winner is the X-Men, because I’m tired of the “Batman always wins” paradigm too. But the real winner? The real winner is you, fair audience.

Winner: The X-Men featuring Kitty “You Can’t Hit What Isn’t There, But You Wish You Could Hit That!” Pryde.

Loser: Hanna-Barbera, The Colour Purple.

admin_Rock

So, a battle that we can finally sink our teeth in to. It’s been a long time coming. See the problem with building a bracket from entirely fictional things is that if you do it randomly, you’re stuck with the luck of the draw. If you select specific teams for specific slots, you’re chastised for setting things up. So we tend to stick to the random method. Which leads, for some reason, to being chastised for setting things up. Anyways, I think my smackdowns of late have been too much catering to the internet crowd, so today, it’s just for me.

The Arena draws to a hush as the teams enter. The crowd is filled with with spectators, some of them former JLA members, the majority made up of othe X-Men, 6000 strong. The horn goes to start the match.

The Flash moves at imperceptible speed, ravaging through the X-Men, taking one after another down in less than a heartbeat. He stands over their collapsed bodies, blows on his knuckles, and waits for his teammates to congratulate him.

Sadly, this occurs only in his head. In the arena, Jean Grey has entered his mind, and is holding him motionless, but since she is kind and hot, and it makes for a better story, she’s also projecting these things in his head.

Colossus heads straight for Superman and tries to restart the Cold War. Knowing that Superman is ultimately stronger, he relies on his artistic soul and his spirit to carry the day. Their battle continues on…

Cyclops is firing optic blasts at everything in sight, forcing Batman on to the defensive, as he dodges and weaves through them, trying to get closer to Cyke.

Wolverine is barreling through the middle, heading for Aquaman, who is still trying to figure out how he pulled this duty, rather than, say, Green Lantern or Martian Manhunter. He sees Wolvie coming fast, and gets nervous. Wonder Woman comes to his aid, knocking Wolvie to the ground, and throwing her lasso around him.

“Why are you doing this?” she asks. Forced to tell the truth, he admits “It’s a distraction.”

“For what?” she asks quizzically.

“For Jean and Rogue to do their thing.” He says, smiling.

Wonder Woman turns and sees Rogue walk up to a still frozen Flash, and lay a huge kiss on him, tongue and everything. Flash crumples to the ground, and Rogue starts smiling as she takes stock of what she’s now capable of.

Before she can pull in her breath to say “Uh oh”, she and Aquaman are down for the count, courtesy of the Southern Speedster.

In the meantime, Colossus is in trouble, as Superman is pounding him around the stadium, and Cyclops’s time has run out. Batman closes the distance, and drops him with a well placed karate chop to the back of the head. He turns, ready to move forward with his meticulously well crafted plan, takes note of the location of Colossus, Jean, and Wolverine. Unable to see Rogue, he quickly grabs for his belt, looking for something that will give him vision in the infra-red. As he does this, he feels his brain starting to get hot, and then worries only about finding a drink of water. He walks toward the exit, and Wolverine takes him down with a few quick snickts. Jean’s mind control is proving to be unstoppable.

Now Superman is alone, once again, as he truly always is. Though he tries to fit in, and be one of us, he never will, as he is an outsider. This makes him sad. He grows tired of the distraction of Colossus, and throws him aside. He makes a beeline for Jean Grey, in an attempt to remove her from the fight. as he closes, he bounces off an invisible shield, composed of both Jean’s TK and Rogue’s wall of air. As Supes gets to his feet, he’s knocked over by Wolvie smashing into him, a la Fastball Special. As he rises again, he sees Rogue in his face. She kisses him. “I don’t think you can take my power,” he says. “Because technically, I’m simply strong due to the color of the sun.” “Ah don’t need your power, sugah. But y’all have a nice nap”. A fully powered Superman drifts off to sleep.

The X-men pick up Cyclops, and they all head back to the Mansion for a Claremont era softball game.

Winner: The X-Men

The Internet: Okay Tbinns. Let’s have it. X-men vs. Justice League. Go.

Tbinns: No.

The Internet: No? What do you mean no? It’s Friday. It’s Smackdown Day. You write something, we call you names. That’s how this works.

Tbinns: No. Not today. I don’t feel like it.

The Internet: Then just phone it in like you always do.

Tbinns: Bite me. Piss off, I’m not doing it.

The Internet: Wait a minute, are you…are you SULKING?

Tbinns: No, I am not sulking. I just feel like staying here in the bedroom with the door shut playing Moving Pictures over and over and writing letters to people I hate while stuffing my face with those marshmallow cookies that have a little bit of jam in the bottom of them.

The Internet: The chocolate coated ones that look like a bowler hat?

Tbinns: Yes.

The Internet: Those are awesome. Can we have one?

Tbinns: No, fuck off.

The Internet: Awwww…what’s the matter little buddy?

Tbinns: Nothing. Nothing at all. I’m certainly not upset because the Defenders got knocked out, after I SPECIFICALLY put them in the tournament so Superman could get completely fucked up the ass on both a magical and sub atomic level. Why would I be upset that the Hulk, one of my personal favourites was dismissed completely because SOMEBODY that writes for this site is uncomfortable with the fact that he has fantasies about putting Namor’s ankle wings behind his ears and doing a little submarining of his own. So he writes about how much he hates him, dismisses the Defenders completely, then overcompensates by writing superheroine lesbian erotica.

The Internet: Ooooookaaaayyyy….so you’re not going to post anything?

Tbinns: No, if I do, you’ll just complain anyway, and my Defenders are out, so what’s the point?

The Internet: So, we’ll just put you down for the Justice League then, and move on?

Tbinns: Uhhhh…no.

The Internet: No? You are voting for the X-men? So we were right all along, and you don’t know anything about comics AT ALL? And you are a douche bag and you aren’t funny or entertaining and we can sardonically refer to you as a “writer” in quotes, and call you a cocksmoker because Fark doesn’t greenlight our blog and we deeply resent you?

Tbinns: Well, IF I were writing today I would have to point out that the whole thing depends on taking out The X factor. In this case, Batman and the “Batman has a plan for that.” argument. Admin Rock will tell you all about it, if he takes his lips off of Bruce Wayne’s ass long enough to.

The Internet: Boy you ARE in a pissy mood.

Tbinns: Observe carefully people.

Before the bell goes and the fight officially begins, Wolverine lights up a stoagie and strides to the centre of the Arena. He holds his hand in the air. Slowly a microphone comes down from the ceiling.

WOLVERINE: Listen up candy asses. As of right now, I’m only interested in ONE of you. Two if you count the Amazon broad, but we’ll save that one for later. Right now, I just want to go one on one with your best.

Superman takes a step forward…

WOLVERINE: Not so fast Boyscout, I ain’t talking to you. Batman. I’m calling your ass OUT.

The crowd goes apeshit. Wolvie smiles.

Because the Batman does have a weakness. Pride. Time and time again he tries to go toe to toe with physically superior foes, only to get his ass kicked. Then he comes back later to defeat his enemy using smarts rather than brawn. (See the Mutant Leader in Dark Knight, also Bane)But his instinct is to punish, to beat them down physically. There is no way on God’s green earth Batman will back down from this. Any plans he may have had, any elaborate schemes he’s been plotting just went out the window.

SUPERMAN: Bruce, we are a team…don’t let him goad you into anything stupid…

But Batman shoots him that look. It’s too late. Damage has been done. Batman walks out to the middle of the arena.

Snikt.

“Let’s see what you got, bub.”

Crowd goes wild, and it’s a blur of claws and cape…

The two go toe to toe for several minutes back and forth, when the buzzer sounds.

Flash disappears, looking to help Batman and take Wolvie out, but he is stopped, he hits the ground at Wolverines feet, taken out with a football style tackle.

Because Pietro gave Rogue a nice, long good luck hug before the match. And now she’s giving him the very same hug. A good long, draining hug. Flash is on the floor dizzy, and weak when Rogue knocks him out.

Superman flies straight up, only to grip his head and drop back down to the floor. Jean is in there good and she is fucking him up.

Cyc blasts away at Aquaman, while Colossus makes a beeline for Wonder Woman. He knows he’s not going to beat her, he just has to keep her busy, which he does admirably.

Rogue now has the Flash’s powers, she is zipping around doing all kinds of damage. She takes out Aquaman. Ties up Wonder Woman at super sonic speed. Then she zips up to Superman and gives him a gentle touch as well.

The Wolverine Batman brawl has spilled out into the crowd, the lobby, the street…

Superman finally manages to shake off Jean. He is drained, weakened, disoriented, and facing Rogue, who now has his powers, Colossus, and a continuing onslaught of psychic attacks from Jean. That’s when Cyc adjusts his visor to the new modification that Beast gave him. The one that focuses the beams through kryptonite.

“Let’s finish it up” He says.

And THAT is how the X-men beat the Justice League.

So IF I was writing an article this week that’s how it would go. So put me down for the X-men, and fuck off.

But if you are going out, I could use another package of Mallow cookies.

P.S. Somewhere in the distant hills, Batman and Wolverine are still fighting it out.

Winner: The X-Men

Decision: The X-Men

And so, the The X-Men defy the odds and move on to face the Avengers in what will assuredly not be a repeat of the terrible mini series of decades past, nor the equally terrible Utopia of only a few years past.

Comments are welcome below.

Time for some Superteam Smackdown, live from the The Correctness’s new Herodome, located in sunny downtown Newville. The tailgates are up, the beer is cold, the snacks are carby, it’s time for some smackdown! We have 8 classic superhero teams fighting it out to see who can claim the title.

This week, we have DC’s Justice League taking on Marvel’s first family, The Fantastic Four.

RULES:

-The two day prep, fight in an arena still applies.

-No outside interference from people who are NOT on your team. Ie: No stunts from Franklin and Professor X. Your team is your team and that’s who you’ve got.

-Heroes with Multiple team affiliations can only fight for 1 team

- Only 5 members max per team. Current lineups are based on our choices, as we are awesome.

-Remember, this speculation is based on the TEAM MEMBERS we have assembled. Yes, the results would have been very different if Professor X was on the Team, or Green Lantern, or Martian Manhunter or whomever. But they aren’t, so the results are based on who we’ve got.

TEAMS

The JLA (Superman, Wonder Woman, Flash, Batman, Aquaman)

Vs.

The Fantastic Four (Reed Richards, Sue Richards, Johnny Storm and the Thing)

RobbieRobTown:

I am not a comic book expert. “Why do you write for a comic book blog?” you might ask. I’m glad that you raised the question. I write for a comedy website, and it just so happens that our big “business” is in comic books. I do not know everything about comic books (nor comedy) but that is not what I am here to do. I am here to enrage nerds nerdier than me, and I am surprised by the legion of angry nerds that actually are much nerdier than me- I thought I was an extreme, turns out I’m more MOR than MOR adult oriented radio.

In any case, I have taken, in the past year, to doing research for these articles by reading metric buttloads of comics. For these smackdowns, I quite often go back to the beginning. When I wanted to find out more about Batman, I read a DC treasury of the early Batman comics. X-Men? Same deal, I went straight back to the Lee/Kirby stuff, first twenty issues, and then I read the first fifty Claremont issues, before he turned the suck dial up to 10. I have read many, many, many origin stories, and many, many, many early narratives. I have come to a few conclusions which I think may be pertinent to my discussion of the winner of this smackdown.

1. Origin stories are way more lame than you remember, and they are only cool now because they have been retold by more effective storytellers than the original writers.

2. Stan Lee and Jack Kirby had WAY too much stuff to do in the early days at Marvel. WAY. In a few days I will post a companion piece to this to demonstrate that Kirby was far from infallible.

I mention this because I am going to give this fight to the JLA. I am giving this fight to the JLA because I hate, hate, HATE the entire early Fantastic Four catalogue. HATE. The other boys will write you plausible stories about how long Sue Richards’ invisible shield can withstand Superman’s x-ray vision, or whatever. The boys are more expert than I, and they will gleefully provide you with fodder to fire your canon at (see what I did there?). I however, am going to tell you why I despise the FF so much.

Stan Lee and Jack Kirby were writing a lot of titles by 1961, but they weren’t rich. Not rich at all. This is why, I believe, that issue 3, and even more so, issue 6 feature huge unnecessary panels showing off the Richards’ super-keen-neato apartment featuring such awesome superhero necessities as a “Giant map room” ( guess what’s in it) and a “projection room and closed circuit TV control” (you know, closed circuit TV, so Thing could watch Sue shower and jack off until he jizzes pebbles?). Then, once Lee and Kirby had a swinging imaginary bachelor pad, they gave their hero a hot girlfriend, and lest he lose Sue to someone else, ruining the adolescent fantasy, Lee and Kirby make sure the other dudes on the team are sexually non-threatening. One dude is related to Sue, and Thingy has a gross penis and is too bumpy for loving (more on Jack Kirby’s “Giant Crotch” phase next week).

Then, they make  with the names: Fantasti-Car! Fantasti-Copter! Faantasti-tarded, you guys. They even have a Bat Signal, but it is a number 4 shaped flare. I know, harping on the plausibility of a firework that can write a boldface number 4 in the sky against all the gamma ray shit is a minor quibble. Nonetheless, it comes out of a normal flare gun. Lamers. And the dialogue, oh Stan the dialogue…

Next time, I’ll pick on the JLA for being a glorified Super Friends, but for now, I hate the Fantastic Four, they suck ass, and I regret the $27.50 Canadian I spent reading the first ten issues that not even Doc Doom can improve. Probably because of all the goddamn Sub-Mariner, and you people know how I feel about his inexplicable motives and his ridiculous tiny ankle-wings.

Winner: JLA

Tbinns

I have a feeling this isn’t going to be the cakewalk everyone says it’s going to be. Let’s have a look at the old tale of the tape here…

The Brains: Superman likes to THINK he’s in charge, but when it comes down to strategy, the Batman will be calling the shots. Reed will be doing the thinking for the FF. Both are geniuses in different ways, one is a tactician, the other a scientist. It’s kind of like pitting Patton against Einstein. Both are masters of the ancient art of Deus Ex Machina, and both have been known to make total DICK moves for the sake of what they deem to be the general good. However since it’s a fight and not a science fair, I have to give the advantage to Bats here.

The Muscle: Superman and Wonder Woman vs. The Thing. Ben would have his hands full with just one of these two. It’s a good thing he is tough and can take a lot because he is about to get his ass whooped. Advantage JLA

The Wildcards: Flash and (giggle) Aquaman vs. The Human Torch. Flash is nigh impossible to take out of any equation, and Aquaman is nigh impossible to take seriously. But if it comes down to Johnny vs. The Flash, I’m giving it to the Flash. So once again JLA.

On paper, it’s pretty cut and dry, let’s see how it goes down…

Batman knows the first order of business is to take Sue Storm out. And not for a nice dinner either. Mr. Fantastic’s main concern, protect the wife, and keep Superman and Wonder Woman at bay.

Fortunately he has had two days to research and plan.

Unfortunately so has Batman. But I think on a gadget to gadget basis, this is the one and only area where Reed is better than Batman.

Both teams are in opposite ends of the arena. There’s a lot of smiling and waving going on. Buzzer sounds…Flash disappears, and so does Sue. Batman shoots his gun and gets taken straight up to the rafters, disappearing into the dark.

“Anybody Know what time it is?” Ben asks.

Aquaman exits stage left.

Wonder Woman charges with an Amazonian battle cry

Superman flies up and aims a heat blast at Reed.

Meanwhile, at the very southernmost tip of South America, The Flash finally stops and puts down Sue.

“Sorry about that, Ma’am” says the Flash. “I hope I didn’t hurt you”

“No problem Dude” says the surprisingly masculine voice “I hope your suit is fireproof”

The blonde wig burns off of Johhny as he lets off a massive heat blast.

Back at the arena, Superman is surprised to find his heat ray has no effect, like there is some kind of shielding going on…

Reed presses the button on a remote, sending a signal to a tower atop a nearby building. The brother sister switcharoo has bought them about a minute and a half…

A blast from Sue sends The JLA Careening backwards

Reed’s plan is going perfectly.

And then phase two…Ben steps out from behind the shield, with a number of green crystals embedded in his skin…”It’s clobberin time” he mutters with a grin.

In South America, The Flash, moving faster than the fire blast, literally runs circles around Johnny until he can’t muster a flame. Then he takes off back for the arena. At that precise moment, an insanely hot South American girl steps onto the beach, and smiles at Johnny.

“Hello there…” he says with a smile. Johnny is out of the fight…he’s gonna be here awhile.

The Thing clocks Superman a good one, sending him skittering across the arena floor. Wonder Woman has no problem with Kryptonite, so she drop kicks Ben in the chest, sending HIM reeling backwards.

Aquaman runs back in with a bucket of water. He climbs in it. “Come on you fuckers” he screams from his bucket…”Come get some!!”

“Where the hell is Wally”? thinks Wonder Woman as she tries to sweep Ben’s legs out from under him, and receives a big stone fist to the midsection for her trouble.

The answer to that question is in a taxi, because the second he set foot in the city, Reed’s well placed device completely dampened his speed force for a 50 mile radius

Superman gets up and is hit with another energy blast.

In the Lobby, the fish in the fish tank really want to help out, but can’t really do anything

Reed stretches himself around Wonder Woman, tying her up, which according to legend, she both hates and really really digs. This leaves Ben to deal with Superman. Sue has disappeared, leaving only the odd energy blast to give any hint of where she is.

“I’m Waaaaitiiiing” screams Aquaman.

The JLA are actually in trouble here

But Batman is never going to be caught without a Plan B. Wearing special energy signature goggles, he finds Sue, and takes her out with a specially designed vibrating anti shield dart. Sue reappears and drops in a heap.

Reed stretches over to check on her and is taken out by the Whatever Plan I Have In My Data Base To Take Out Ralph Dibney Or Plastic Man If They Ever Go Rogue Device (Wayne Enterprises, Patent Pending) This frees Wonder Woman, who combined with Superman (From a distance, with freezing attacks) start whooping the tar out of the Thing.

The Thing does NOT give up however, until Reed wakes up and concedes. Hands are shaken, crowd goes wild. Everyone goes to a little pub on Yancy Street to celebrate a great fight, Except Batman, who has some sulking to do, and the Flash, who shows up at the arena 20 minutes after everyone leaves, owing to Midtown Traffic.

And just to piss off Aquaman, everyone orders fish and chips.

Winner : JLA

But it was NO Cakewalk.

admin_Rock:

The Justice League is arguably the strongest super team ever formed. DC is not known for it’s team books, as they tend to concentrate on the individual heroes. Marvel, on the other hand, makes team books on a whim. In general, DC characters are stronger than Marvel, so it stands to reason that the DC team would be stronger than the average Marvel team. But individual strength does not a team make.

In the lineup for the JLA, you have DC’s Trinity of power, Superman, Batman and Wonder Woman. They alone are more than enough to beat most teams. Add in The Flash and Aquaman, and there’s a lot of power here.

The Fantastic Four have the advantage of being family, and of having worked together pretty much exclusively. They can react like a team in ways other teams can only imagine.

Much debate has been bantered about concerning the Batman Deus Ex Machina, the idea that Batman is the master planner, and that he can prepare for any contingency. I’m stacking that up against the scientific genius of Reed Richards, and I’m saying Reed comes out ahead here. This is because he has the advantage of studying all the parallel earths and discussing the upcoming battle with every other Reed Richards that has time to chat. So this is how it plays out:

The battle horn goes, and Flash moves to end things instantly. He aims to slam in to Sue, but is bounced off of her protective bubble. Simultaneously, he’s knocked unconscious by Reed’s Free-Wave device, built to render the Flash’s powers null and void. The beam encompasses him, knocks him out, and places him in the negative zone, pretty much instantly.

While that’s going on, Ben Grimm has hurtled a railing at Superman. Supes takes great offence to this, and begins knocking The Thing around the arena. Batman is on the run from The Human Torch, who is throwing fire and moving Batman to the side of the arena. Superman is pummeling The Thing into the ground, and notices him laughing. “Why are you laughing?” he asks, in his boring usual tone. “You’re losing.” “Heh”, says Ben Grimm. “Look again”. As Superman looks back towards the others, he sees Wonder Woman and Aquaman lying on the ground, completely out. “That’s our girl”, says The Thing.

For, while the big guns are busy fighting off their assailants, Sue has been busy. She’s formed a small bubble over Aquaman’s head, depriving him of air, and created a tiny bubble inside Diana’s neck, which stops the flow of blood to her head.

Batman sees an opening, and fires an extinguishing foam he’s built for the occasion at The Torch, but while he watches it take effect, he’s blanketed by Mr. Fantastic, who tazes Batman, paralyzing his muscles. Superman charges at Sue, slamming into her defensive shield, knocking her over. Before he’s able to take advantage, he looks up and notices that the arena’s sun has changed to Red, courtesy of Reed’s Spectra-Wave, and He realizes he’s weakening. Then, from behind, he hears “it’s Clobbering Time”, and joins the others in nap.

Game, Set and Match to The Fantastic Four.

Winner: The Fantastic Four

Decision: Split Decision to The Justice League

The Justice League move on to the next round. Tune in next week to see who advances as the USA takes on Canada, as The Avengers battle Alpha Force.

Meme this, suckers! It’s Batman vs. Bacon!

Batman! Scourge of Gotham’s criminals! Batman! Brilliant single-minded vigilante! Batman! Nananananananana, etc! Nothing is more powerful than The Dark Knight! Except for Bacon, you mouth-breathing primitives. BACON!

Bacon is the only pork meat that I wish would make salty love to the inside of my mouth. Nothing keeps pork chops moist, and ham is gross and slimy, but bacon is the most perfect meat invented by man. Before Haliburton teamed up with Monsanto to create BaCon (TM), it was physically impossible for any food to pack so much tastiness into strip form. It would take 50 metric strips of gravy to be a delicious as bacon, and that is a fact of science. I am a scientist, and I know a thing or to about Ricard’s First Law of Strips, which states: “Strips of food cannot be at a more than 1:1 flavour to mass ratio, unless it is a strip of Bacon.” As a scientist, I can confirm bacon would give me a serious boner if it weren’t so full of fat and sodium it rendered me flaccid. Bacon is delicious. In fact, Bacon=Delicious, and that is one of the simplest Turing Complete logic statements ever made. Bacon is so densely packed with tastiness that they are smashing bacon into other bacon at almost the speed of light in the Large Hadron Collider to try and produce missing fundamental particles. It’s fucking yummy.

So, this is a smackdown undercard, and you are wondering “How can Bacon fight against Batman? Bacon is inanimate, at least, once it is butchered, hung, and cured it is inanimate, though it is moderately animate on a frying pan, but then it is basically totally still once served, unless you pick it up in BLT form, but it isn’t moving under its own power, so essentially inanimate.” You have a point, albeit a convoluted one.  This will be a fight in which Batman attempts to resist a plate of bacon.

“How is that such a big deal?” you might be asking yourself, or maybe you aren’t, but maybe. “I can resist bacon”. Oh, can you? Can you really?(slides you a plate of bacon) Then don’t eat that. (let’s you smell it). Don’t! (fries up a bit more) Don’t!(wafts odour over to you with a GE brand BaConFan.) HA! I thought so.

The preparations will happen like this. Bruce Wayne will have Alfred lock him in a room, and go through intense psychological training so that Batman begins hating the mere thought of bacon. Every time Bruce thinks of bacon, he will pass out and wake up with a cage full of rats on his face, or some such. Anyway, soon the Dark Knight will begin to so despise bacon he will feel himself invulnerable to its effects. Maybe he’ll run security video of his parents being murdered, but instead of murdered by that dude, it will be by a package of bacon that has been digitally imposed on the footage. Something like that, you get the picture. Harsh psychological Bacon Aversion Therapy – That’s with the promising acronym of BAT.

No matter how much planning Bruce Wayne has put into this event, Bacon will have a swift and decisive victory. The Goddamn Batman knows that a single strip of bacon is so toxic to his system that he will lose all his well trained abilities, and his suit won’t fit anymore. He has further prepared himself by blocking his nose with a cream made from a specific amazon flower that catalyses aerosolated bacon molecules, and converts them into the weird McDonald’s french fry smell your car floor mats make in the early winter, even though you haven’t eaten at McDonalds in like, 6 years. That smell just sticks, man. Bruce Wayne now smells a horrific smell, he recalls the rats on his face, and how Bacon murdered his family, and he is prepared to resist, primarily on the health consequences alone. But Bacon has a trick up it’s sleeve- it’s plastic refrigerator section sleeve.

No matter how ready Batman is, when Alfred sets down a glass of orange juice and some multi-grain toast beside the bacon (maybe with those little stainless steel condiment bowls of organic butter and farmers market jams on the side), Batman’s legendary willpower will crumble like a ancient cake made of clay and , uh, cake. No living thing on earth, not even a self-aware talking pig who knows what bacon is made from, can resist bacon as a part of this complete breakfast. As soon as Batman thinks to himself “Oh, you know what, I can probably eat just a little bit of bacon if I have that OJ, and go for a run this morning. I’m a busy crime-fighter after all, and I burn a lot of calories.”, he will have lost this battle. The futility of resisting bacon is more futile than resisting The Borg, and ever since The Borg started assimilating inferior technologies like toasters and GE brand BaConFans, even they can be found  snacking on down on some tasty bacon strips and letting their cubes get fat.

Winner: Bacon. God help us all.

Loser: Self Aware Talking Pig (tragic), also, Batman (helpless).

The “I’m” poll revealed more about you than you wanted revealed. Oh, I know, you thought you were just casually clicking on a little radio button, but it was SOOOOO much more than that.

We know, for instance, for all your talk of how Frank Miller has gone off the rails, or how his work is decreasing in quality, we know that secretly, you crave MORE Frank Miller, that you long for a new issue of All Star Batman and Robin.

Overwhelmingly, you voiced your true identity in the most fierce way available. You didn’t let it slip during a dinner party, didn’t mention it to Nicole Kidman, and Alfred didn’t blow the whole thing by letting the girl of the week in to the ‘cave.

No my friend, you are the God-Damned Batman, and if you want to bang Black Canary, or kidnap Robin and let him beat the crap out of Hal Jordan, you’ll God-Damned well do it.

It’s no secret that I’m a big fan of superheros, and comic books. Also, love going to movies. But I’ve come to a conclusion, one that might seem incredulous or shocking on the surface: Hollywood needs to stop making superhero movies.

(Scapulaman, possibly the next big superhero film?)

Maybe not entirely, but 94% of the projects in development should just be scrapped. No Avengers, No Iron Man 3, No Thor, No Spider-Man 4. No prequels, no origin stories, nothing. We’ll let the 3rd Dark Knight movie go ahead, but after that, let’s ban them from Hollywood for another 5 years or so.

And here’s why: I’m getting sick of them. There’s too god-damned many of them. It’s like an ice cream sandwich. If you haven’t had one in forever, they taste awesome. You can’t believe you went that long without one. But if you then go on an almost exclusive diet of ice cream sandwiches, you can’t stand the f*cking sight of them.

The first stage of the superhero movie film is the rumors. The studio says they have a director on board to make Scapulaman in to a film. The internet lights up with every fanboy douchebag offering up their pearls of wisdom as to whom should play Scapulaman, which, while they all think they’re Einstein, usually comes down to “Nathan Fillion or Ryan Reynolds”. I have nothing against either of them, but they’d be the first to tell you they’re not the answer to all the questions Hollywood has to ask. The actual casting is released, and fanboys once again rail to the heavens about how terrible it is, or alternately, hold a Hawaiian-themed jizzfest about how Fillion was born to play Scapulaman.

Then we get those same fanboys proffering plot ideas, based on their favorite (usually the worst possible) story arcs from the past. If the film in question is Batman, it’s non-stop “Harley Quinn!!!!”, if Spider-Man, some paste eater will insist that “Maximum Carnage” is the only possible story (cuz Venom wasn’t bad enough!) They continue to whip themselves into a frenzy, such that when the actual story is decided on, they’ve already decided it was a bad choice.

The press starts covering the opening of the film, and we get either shitty, error-filled articles about Scapulaman, or lengthy interviews with the terrible actress they’ve chosen to play the “love interest” (kept to 3 scenes maximum). All of which leaves the public with a skewed idea of what Scapulaman is all about.

The film opens, and the fanboys go insane, because they “got the character all wrong”, or they “changed the storyline”, or “that ISN’T scapulaman”. And usually, it’s true, because the actual story wouldn’t have appealed to every possible movie goer, so they whipped it in to a smooth pablum. Now the general public is all “meh”, because the story is very lame. The fanboys are furious because the movie isn’t what they wanted. (or alternately, none of the above happens, the story stays true to the book, and no one but the fanboys see it: Case in point, apart from the changed ending (which was still faithful to the spirit of the story), The Watchmen.)

At the end of the day, very few superhero movies are handled well, fewer still actually jump off the screen. I’m tired of the crappy ones, and most of the proposed upcoming films just look f*cking terrible. Who asked for an Ant Man movie? Who? Anybody? No, no one did. Do you know why? Because Ant Man sucks, and the fans barely tolerate him in the comics. But some asshole movie producer, whose only credit is that he worked in the mail room, then blew his boss for 2 years, has decided that the intellectual property “has legs”.

Enough. Make movies about other stuff for a while, so that we can enjoy our ice cream sandwiches again.

Thanks to some wheeling and dealing by Tbinns, The Correctness was invited to present a live version of the Superhero Smackdown at the Calgary Comic Expo this past weekend. We discussed how to transition a season-long adventure into about 50 minutes, and whether to use the same 8 finalists. We decided to pull Superman from the bracket, as he had already won once, and it seemed to make things a bit more even.

We arrived at the Expo early in the day, and checked out the room. It was a large one, and we discussed whether there would 9 or 12 people attending the panel, as it was a) unknown to most of the attendees, and b) opposite a panel on comic book writing featuring Chris Claremont. (admin_rock entertained thoughts of skipping our panel to attend that one!)

But when 5 o’clock rolled around, and we saw the line, it was clear that we were in for a fun time!

Those of you with eagle eyes might find a member or two of the correctness in the above picture.

We took the stage, and set up the rules. 2 days prep, anything goes, winner takes all.

The 8 finalists we used were

Deadpool
Wolverine
Hulk
Flash
Batman
Green Lantern
Spider-Man
and of course

Kitty Pryde.

We discussed each match-up, and then took comments from the audience, who were great! Much fun was had by all. After the comments, we threw the question to the audience, and they chose the winners of each fight.

The panels in the other rooms must have wondered what the hell we were doing, as we made a LOT of noise…

The smackdown went as such

A side

Deadpool vs Flash = Flash
Hulk vs Green Lantern = Hulk

Flash vs Hulk = Flash

B side

Kitty Pryde vs Batman = Batman
Wolverine vs Spider-Man = Spider-Man

Batman vs Spider-Man = Batman

FINAL

Flash vs Batman = Batman

————————————–

Super Special Thanks go out to the woman without whom none of this would have looked good: Mrs. admin_rock. (admin_rack? admin_rockette?) She made us an awesome bracket board, as well as designing 2 t-shirts for the weekend.

Also, to Mrs. Tbinns (tbinette?) for providing the pics above!

And thanks to Mrs. RobbieRobTown, whomever you might be, we’re looking forward to meeting you one day.

———————————————————–

Welcome to our new readers, and we hope you enjoy the correctness. We’re also looking forward to attending more comic cons in the future, so we might be hitting your town one day soon! Lock up your daughters! Unless, of course, they are the future Mrs. RobbieRobTown.

Here at The Correctness SportsishNetwerkkz, we offer our be-all-end-all absolutely correct answers on which supervillains would win in a fight. Lex Luthor has bankrolled the competition.Which of the 8 will come out on top? The playoffs continue this week in the Pengrowth Deathdrome. It’s brutal, ugly, violent, and soul rending…and that’s just the comment section!!!

The Rules, and the Bracket were laid out in advance, in this post. Two days of prep, battle is held in the stadium, and it’s to the death. Game on.

THIS WEEK: Mystique vs Catwoman. The ladies duke it out to see who survives. For our purposes, Catwoman is her normal self from DC continuity, and Mystique is herself from standard Marvel continuity.

Rob:

Last smackdown, there was some concern about my homophobic disregard for the efficacy of particular mode of transportation. I would like to first apologize. I referred to the Green Goblin’s hovering jet scooter as a “Gay Rocket Skateboard.” This was unfair, and I am sorry. What I did was substitute the concept of homosexuality, rife with easy jokes, for the true intent of my dialectic, which was to suggest that anyone who rides a “Gay Rocket Skateboard” in not, in fact, necessarily, or even at all, gay (though it is possible statistically). Rather, I intended to convey that the act of flying around on such a device is less derisively “gay” and more utterly and impossibly emasculating in every conceivable way, and that gay and straight men alike feel a penis shrivelling, ball shattering, dick limpening, sack tightening horror at the idea of such a ridiculous contraption having any capacity for status-enhancing terror. On the top ten list of “Things Which Do Not Strike Fear into the Hearts of Men, and Women, and Kittens”, number one with a bullet is “Floaty rollerskates”, followed by “cloudmobiles”, and “cuddleplanes”.

Not only that, but men all over the world of any type of persuasion, queer, strait, transgendered, understand on an implicit and genetically pre-programmed level that a rocket sled of any kind is not going to get you laid, by man, woman, hermaphrodite, or compliant donkey. Your fantasy of having a hover board from Back To The Future dies when you realized driving in a multi seat motor vehicle, one often including a radio, is a far more effective method of attracting the ass of your particular orientation. Finding rocket skateboards a stupid thing for super villains to own and operate is not a choice. We are all born with an opinion on aerial sleds of all kinds, and on this matter we stand united: Nobody is scared of the dude on the NASA surfboard- in fact, this is why we think the Silver Surfer is so, not gay, or retarded, but rather cockpunchular, or if you prefer, douchetacular.

As for the matter of the fight between Mystique and Catwoman, I will not tarry long in a ridiculous straight-male fantasy that they will discover themselves suddenly very bisexual, extremely exhibitionist, and too aroused to fight. I will not describe, in any juvenile level of detail, the reflection of soft blue skin on milky white, in the low, low light of a steamy stadium. I will not elaborate on the possibility of Mystique taking the form of any beautiful woman, least of all Erin Cardillo, who, I will not go on to explain, plays the schoolteacher on the appalling “Suite Life of Zack and Cody: On Deck” and who is much, MUCH, too funny and beautiful for that show, as well as much too compelling of a performer to be in swiffer ads. I will not imagine Mystique and Catwoman drinking wine, agreeing to dress up, in no particular order, as a maid and a Catholic sorority girl, and I will not suggest the sound of two of the most extraordinary orgasms ever witnessed by humankind would render the sense of hearing forever purposeless, and make the music of the Beatles seem like the music of Yoko Ono’s diarrhea.

Mystique takes this one, despite the compelling and conflicted character of Catwoman, and despite the fact that Catwoman has sometimes outsmarted Batman. You nerds can talk all about how powerful Mystique is, or how wily Catwoman is. I’m pretty sure this catfight is over before it is done. Unless the make out thing happens.

Winner: Mystique
Runner Up: Michelle Pfeiffer’s awesome Catwoman
Honourable Mention: Erin Cardillo

Dave:

Some weeks we get many comments pointing out how wrong we are, and providing alternate arguments on why person X should beat person Y. We love this. This week, i’m thinking we’re going to see a near unanimous comment section. Why? Because this fight is so incredibly one sided, I’m questioning why we ever thought it would be a good idea. Well, there is the fanboy lesbian thing. Yes, I remember why now.

The fact is, I can’t think of a single clever way that a former prostitute turned jewel-thief with some acrobatic skills and no powers beats a 100 year old shapeshifter who has a limited healing factor (What, a Marvel character with a healing factor?????), is pretty much immune to poisons, and extremely agile.

Mystique’s main weapon is usually deception, and the ability to surprise and throw opponents off-guard due to looking like someone else. She might be able to end the fight in the first few seconds by pretending to be a guard taking Catwoman to the arena, then drop her like a rock. But assuming they both get to the ring without event, this one takes the guise of a standard slug-fest, albeit one with bikinis and oil. Wait, what? Well, I like it better that way, sue me.

It goes like this: Catwoman does some fancy flips, jumps on Mystique’s back. Mystique uses any one of 100 combat techniques she’s picked over the last 6 decades, and slams Catwoman to the ground. Catwoman jumps up, attacks, is beaten back. Rinse, Repeat. At some point, Mystique gets tired of the game, and advances, breaking Catwoman’s leg. As Catwoman staggers around, Mystique systematically breaks the remaining limbs, and eventually, snaps Catwoman’s neck.

Game, Set, Match.

Winner: Mystique

Tony

It’s been 3 hours and the crowd is getting restless.

Catwoman showed up on time, and has been pacing restlessly back and forth waiting for her opponent to show.

The audience knows Mystique could be anywhere. She could be sitting right beside them. For all they know, they could be sitting on her.

They start chanting “Start the fight, start the fight”. Catwoman shrugs, and does a few whip tricks to try and keep the crowd interested.

There is a fairly large number of sweaty men with their hands buried in their trench coats right up front who look particularly eager for this to start.

1 hour later, still no sign of Mystique. The announcement comes over the P.A.

“Ladies and gentlemen, your winner, by forfeit….”

“WAAAAITT!” screams Catwoman.. She motions to someone off to the side…he brings her a microphone.

As she takes the mic, her skin tight cat suit turns blue, she shakes her thick red hair free and laughs diabolically.

“Curiosity didn’t kill shit.” She says contemptuously…” I killed the cat. Last night. (She changes into Batman) For some weird reason she didn’t expect me to have a gun on me. (She changes back to Mystique) I’d ask for my money back if I were you.”

She gives the booing crowd the finger as she strolls out of the arena.

Okay, so that’s how I think it would go, but some of you might feel a little like the poor saps in the arena audience. You came to see a show and you didn’t get one. Well, let me just add a post script and say that if Mystique had decided to “Play fair” she’d still be the winner. In combat, I’d say they were pretty evenly matched. Catwoman can go toe to toe with Batman, but she has the advantage of her “Feminine wiles”, the Bat is basically wrapped around her paw and she knows it. No such luck with Mystique, who I would imagine would employ a strike and hide strategy, luring Catwoman into the audience and then…

shape change…wait…punch,

shape… change…. wait …kick.

If Catwoman decides “Fuck this” and heads back to the open arena, I wouldn’t put it past Mystique to pick her off from there. She does use guns, and certainly has no compunction about killing people.

Winner: Mystique.

I’ll be in my bunk.

Decision: Mystique

And so Mystique moves on to the Quarter-Finals. Tune in next week to see Magneto vs Sinestro. Magnets, or things made out of yellow? Sounds like science class!

Call us names below!

(Note: this is a repost of the original)

Here at The Correctness SportsishNetwerkkz, we offer our be-all-end-all absolutely correct answers on which supervillains would win in a fight. Lex Luthor has bankrolled the competition.Which of the 8 will come out on top? The playoffs continue this week in the Pengrowth Deathdrome. It’s brutal, ugly, violent, and soul rending…and that’s just the comment section!!!

The Rules, and the Bracket were laid out in advance, in this post. Two days of prep, battle is held in the stadium, and it’s to the death. Game on.

THIS WEEK: The Joker vs The Green Goblin. The Clown Prince of Crime takes on Gobby. (Note: The Green Goblin for our purposes is Norman Osbourne, and not the current Iron Patriot bullshit Norman Osbourne that Marvel is spinning, but good old Norman Osbourne.

Rob:

First off let me say this: It is lovely and refreshing to have a supervillain smackdown. The supervillains have none of the tedious moral codes which complicated our superhero smackdown. Stay tuned for horrible people doing horrible things to each other in the name of science.

Next, oh fans, friends, and people who are here to rain down derision upon me like a shower of molten lead with lasers attached to every drop, I have three things to say to you: Gay. Rocket. Skateboard.

Today’s battle is between The Joker, the twisted, perfect psychopathic foil to Batman’s weird sociopathic singlemindedness, and The Green Goblin, who has, well, a gay rocket skateboard.

I am a huge Spider Man fan, you guys know this, but we are pitting the most sinister, immoral mind in comicdom versus a guy who rides around on a homosexual Seadoo. He might as well be called the Pink Gobbler and shoot hot coconut cream out of a fleshy firehose. Oh, I know I open myself up to our usual haters explaining that it is, in fact, I, RobbieRobTown, who is the homosexual Seadoo captain, and I admit that I am the only unmarried 1/3 of The Correctness due to my obvious inability and disinterest in pleasing a woman.

Perhaps, as well, this is unfair to the Green Goblin because it is homophobic AND it is undermining the danger of scorching shrapnel from a pumpkin grenade. Norman Osborne has faced madness, just as the mysterious Joker has. As well, I was pleased by the inclusion of the Harry Osborne sub-plot in the Spidey films.

I just don’t think Norman Osborne has it in him to do the things necessary to really win this fight. You know who does though? The Joker.

If The Joker wanted to demoralize you, he would begin by secretly and repeatedly raping your cat. When you got home from your long days at work, as weeks passed by, your cat would get progressively more terrified of humans, and yet more needy, scratching you in your nethers as you napped on the couch. Then the Joker would rape your boss at work. Then, before you discovered all this raping was going on, The Joker would rape you and leave you alive because it would upset and destabilize you more than just killing you or cutting off your wang- though, he might also cut off your wang, and fashion a wang grenade out of it, which he would use to frighten a sexually puritanical Norman Osborne.

The Green Goblin could have all the nifty technical doodads he wanted to have, because the Joker would have spent his prep time draining the younger Osborne’s blood all over the goblin-board, so that when Norman stepped on it, he would be forced to remember the appalling murder of his son committed right on the very surface of his queer hover pogo.

Winner: Joker.
Loser: Gay Rights Discourse.

Dave:

Ahhh Smackdown, how we’ve missed you. Your ability to slam our server around like a small bug, your protracted discussion of all things comic, your throngs of comments telling me how wrong/stupid/gay I am. This one will be much trickier, simply because we have less contact with our villains, less chance to truly get to know them. On the plus side, no Superman, and every one of the villains has personality to spare.

Green Goblin has some pretty neat weapons in his arsenal, and his mobility, his distance attacks, and his speed are a dangerous combination. Not to mention he has super speed, agility, stamina, and a healing factor (cuz let’s face, who the fuck in the Marvel universe doesn’t have a healing factor these days?).

The Joker, on the other hand, has no super powers. He has his intellect, and his sheer madness. Doesn’t seem like much, but it’s enough to make him Batman’s archenemy, and anyone who underestimates him usually ends up dead.

Showtime: Gobby comes out flying, literally. He strafes the playing field with pumpkin bombs, while Joker runs around wildly, staying just out of reach, cackling wildly. The crowd roars with approval, as Joker is knocked over by one of Goblin’s strafing run.

Goblin turns around, ready to fly in for the kill, when he hears the horrific screams of the entire crowd, who begin convulsing and die from lethal does of Joker Gas, coming from the blimps overhead. When his attenion returns to Joker, Goblin sees him holding a sign with giant letters reading “DON’T LOOK DOWN”, which Goblin, of course does. He notices, for the first time, a small “sticky bomb” which explodes in a flash of light, blinding Goblin, which sends him smashing into the ground where Joker previously stood.

When he staggers out of the wreckage, he’s knocked down, and finds himself on the ground, with Joker sitting on his chest. Joker injects something into Goblin’s neck. Goblin looks up, no longer able to move, and says “You killed them all.?” Joker smiles, busily stuffing a mini-pumpkin bomb into Gobby’s mouth, followed by duct tape. Joker leans in and whispers “boom”. He walks away, while Goblin’s face explodes, looking much like a Jack o’Lantern.

Winner: Joker

TONY

GREEN GOBLIN: Get ready to die, Clown

JOKER: Say, Gobby…I don’t suppose you want to see a magic trick, do you? Make this pencil disappear? No? EVERYONE has seen that movie. Remind me to kill Heath Ledger…OH WAIT…I ALREADY DID HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!!

There can be no question; The Green Goblin has EVERY advantage going into this. He’s 10 times stronger than Batman. He has the rocket sled and a variety of other lethal gadgets. He’s got the speed, and the will to kill.

But who has more experience than dealing with a much stronger, faster foe with all kinds of cool gadgets than the Joker? There is no way the Joker is dumb enough to go toe to toe with this guy. He’ll have to outsmart him. Fortunately that’s kind of his thing.

As for taking the “Gay surfboard” out of the equation, the Joker could fall back on the old giant gun in the pants routine. Or alternatively, he could pull a big purple remote control out of his pocket, bring the rocket sled to a sudden stop and watch Gobby go flying off of the front end. Either way, I think we can agree that taking the sled out is something the Joker can and would do.

The pumpkin bombs are a trickier proposition Batman doesn’t use guns or grenades. The Joker’s patented “Stand there, laugh and dare someone to hit me “maneuver is not going to work out so well when gourd artillery is involved. Joker has to think fast, gas isn’t going to work, I’m pretty sure Gobby’s mask acts as a gas mask..

This is where Robbies assertion of mind games come in. I wouldn’t put it past the Joker to A) Kidnap Harry, use as a human shield,

b) to replace all Gobbies pumpkin bombs with confetti bombs.

c) Rig them to go off in Osbourne’s face when he tries to throw them

d) Kidnap Mary Jane Watson, to ensure that Spider-man shows up to help him deal with the problem

e) All of the above because, well…why not?

The point is that at the end of this thing it will be the Joker who gets the last multi coloured “Ha ha ha ha ha ha” on the page. And he’d rub it in too.

GOBLIN: (Broken…crawling) …the crowd…they’re LAUGHING …at me

JOKER: Yep, they sure are. But to be fair, they can’t really help it

(The crowd is laughing themselves to death on the gas that Harley Quinn is pumping into the arena)

GOBLIN: I…will…kill…you.

JOKER: Good for you. Never give up. Reminds me of someone else I know who’s crazy and wears a stupid mask. Speaking of which I’m late for an appointment. Gotta run. Don’t worry, I’m not going to kill you. I’m a big fan. Gwen Stacy? BRAVO!!! Still, I can’t have you crawling after me…so NIGHTY NIGHT!

(Joker zaps him with an electric current from his cane)

JOKER: Oh Harley?

HARLEY (Over the PA) Yes Mr. J?

JOKER: Find out who “The Correctness” is I’m going to teach them a lesson about copyright infringement.

HARLEY: Sure thing puddin’!

JOKER: That’s my girl.

Winner: The Joker

Decision: The Joker

And so the Joker moves on to the Quarter-Finals. Tune in next week to see Catwoman vs Mystique. The world holds its collective breath, wondering, waiting to see how RobbieRobTown will write this conflict.

Call us names below!

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(comments from the original post)

1/4 20 said on 12-03-2010
1/4 20

BRA-FUCKIN-VO. let the derisive comments fly. you guys rock.

spcMike said on 12-03-2010
spcMike

Actually, that was well thought out, entertaining, and well above par from your usual form.

admin_rock said on 12-03-2010
admin_rock

Is it weird to anyone else that I can see ads for Push up Bras and Child Molestation for this post?
Reply
dugitman said on 12-03-2010
dugitman

Hahaha. Awesome. So happy to see you guys back.
Reply
Tbinns said on 12-03-2010
Tbinns

I must confess I was unaware that the Goblin had a healing factor. That might be the key to him winning this thing. No, who am I kidding? It’s the Joker for God’s sake.

spcMike said on 12-03-2010
spcMike

Goblin might have a healing factor, but I’ve lost track of how many times the Joker has supposedly died only to show up later. Also, Joker was recently shot in the head and survived. Besides, I don’t think Goblin could survive getting sprayed by the Joker’s acid flower.

n8 said on 16-03-2010
n8

At this point the -lack- of a healing factor would be more notable. Healing factors are a crutch for weak writing, so they pretty much come standard now. The “he couldn’t have survived that” trope has been institutionalized… but it’s sad that “miraculous” recoveries have become to-be-expected.

SeriouslyAGeekGirl said on 12-03-2010
SeriouslyAGeekGirl

I’m disturbed by the lack of hostility in the comment section. I can’t do anything about that though so instead I’ll nitpick! If, as previously stated in the rules of combat, our villainy heroes are fighting in a stadium with a roof, how did the blimp get there? Is it an abnormally tiny blimp? Operated by tiny blimp flying midgets? With cute little goggles?

Matt said on 12-03-2010
Matt

It’s a small fleet of radio controlled novelty blimps, each one with a small gas tank. While the dispersal area of each blimp is small, they get pretty close to the crowd before deploying their payload. Since the gas is heavier than air a single deployment at the top of the stands and a few more to block the main exits will suffice for killing off the entire crowd.

fmywu said on 12-03-2010
fmywu

It’s the Joker. He probably programmed the stadium roof to open, or opened it before the fight. Also, since when did Joker EVER play by the rules?

LordsBreed said on 12-03-2010
LordsBreed

This is total crap.

Are we assuming that, in practically every instance listed above, that Green Goblin is going to let Joker come up and fiddle with his bombs and glider before the match starts?

Every single scenario hinges on the deus ex machina, that Joker did “something” off screen that causes the Goblin to lose.

This was very poorly done, and disappointing. You basically made a decision and then rail roaded the decision ignoring everything else besides the “facts”.

Personally, I didn’t care who won if it was done well. It wasn’t down well. 0/10.

LordsBreed said on 12-03-2010
LordsBreed

Something I forgot. With the two days of prep, Joker did all these things on various depictions of the match, yet the Goblin did ‘nothing’? He set nothing up, and left his tools out in the open with a “Sure, you can look at it Joker” sign? Yup. Total rail road.

ZeroCorpse said on 12-03-2010
ZeroCorpse

Agreed.

As I say below, the Joker is not breaking into Oscorp and touching Norman’s gear. Norman’s got security that puts the Batcave to shame (he’s a paranoid guy) and resources that match (if not exceed) Bruce Wayne’s.

He’s also got killer robots, super-powered lackeys, and plain old hitmen on his payroll. The Joker would be spending two days trying not to get killed.

Bankarin said on 12-03-2010
Bankarin

Bravo and right on! Perfect call. The Goblin might have all sorts of tech, but so does the Bat and how many times has the Joker gotten over on him? And the Goblin doesn’t have half the smarts the Bat does so even with a year of advance notice over the Joker, Joker still could nullify and counter act anything he did. Really can’t see anyone disputing this one.

ZeroCorpse said on 12-03-2010
ZeroCorpse

Norman Osborn is SMARTER than Bruce Wayne. He’s also just as rich (if not richer) and doesn’t lack Batman’s crippling moral compunctions; He murders people on a whim.

And like I point out in my long post below, Norman’s tech is far and away better than Batman’s. He wears armor. Not just Kevlar, like Batman, but armor somewhat like Iron Man’s Starktech.

And again, Batman doesn’t have super powers. Norman can lift 9 tons, is resistant to damage, moves faster, has better reflexes, and has a healing factor that has allowed him to survive being impaled and blown up.

Boxer said on 12-03-2010
Boxer

Fantastic. No other words suffice.

Also, the Joker dialog is pure gold. I can almost hear the dulcet tones of Mark Hamil laughing wildly in my head.

CraxyD said on 12-03-2010
CraxyD

Him and don’t forget Arleen Sorkin

steve said on 12-03-2010
steve

I agree, but, uh, why so homophobic? It was really fucking distasteful at some points.

*sighs*

netweavr said on 12-03-2010
netweavr

Really going for Joker versus Dr. Doom here are you?

RobbieRobTown said on 12-03-2010
RobbieRobTown

Ah yes, we haven’t been introduced. Because I am the subject of so many homophobic jokes, and because in real life I am on the selection comittee for a gay and lesbian film festival, it should seem ironic, but I’ll tone it down.

steve said on 13-03-2010
steve

Okay, that’s cool.

JokerFan said on 12-03-2010
JokerFan

It stands as a pure testament to the excellent voice work of the Batman: TAS cast that I read the last segment with perfect Joker and Harley voices in my head. That or I’m insane, but still. Damn.

ItsJustJake said on 12-03-2010
ItsJustJake

I think it would start with “A) Kidnap Harry”. Disguise him as the Joker and force them to fight, then when Norman kills Harry (who spends most of the fight running), the Real Joker reveals the real truth about what Norman just did and who he really killed – and then finishes the Goblin off with a giant Hammer.

Then he steals the gay rocket sled and programs it to write naughty limiericks about Robin in the sky.

Yearsofcomicsmadeitfalloff said on 12-03-2010
Yearsofcomicsmadeitfalloff

So no no no no and wait wait for it NO!!!

1) GG has the super solder serum in him same as Steve Rogers AKA Captn America ie

Paralysis injection=not gonna work Captn america wasn’t stoped by gas from the red skull during his bout at the panthers lair

NO ONE know osbourne is the GG because hes skitzofrenic-sp he dosnt even know hes GG, so no one will be breaking into his top secret lab 1 mile underground at oscorp. so no rigging of weaponry golblin wins and as for wit?

GG is a biochemical engineer that unlocked the super soilder serum Joker is a lamo DC comic pile that is so spokey because hes unpredicatable. ohhhh unpredictable vs 70mph+! razor sharpe board so in the knocking joker to the ground scenario replace knocking with cutting in half.

And finally if you actually manage to kill GG then you have to face Osbourne Junior , and the Hobgoblin after you kill Harry its just no use Joker is dead all are happy and DC SUCKS

ItsJustJake said on 12-03-2010
ItsJustJake

Have you actually READ any comics? The whole world knows he was the Green Goblin – he’s just managed to seed enough doubt that he’s escaped punishment for most of his life.. that, and the fact that everyone ‘thought’ he was dead.

Green Goblin doesn’t have “the Super Soldier Serum”, and neither he nor Cap are “Immune to injections”. What are you, Seven years old, or something? You don’t know squat about either character. The Goblin might have been working on a VARIANT of the Super Soldier Serum, but they really aren’t the same thing.

And none of this is about what might happen ‘after’, or who ELSE the people can bring on (Hammer Troops, Thunderbolts/Initiative members, etc). It’s One Lunatic vs Another Lunatic. You just have to decide who you think the winner of THIS ONE FIGHT would be.

With 2 days to prepare? It’s going to be the Joker. The Goblin is an ego-maniac, and won’t take his opponent seriously – which will just piss off the Joker.

Bye Goblin. Next?

1/4 20 said on 12-03-2010
1/4 20

damn you sir. i was just about to do that. besides, time and time again the Joker outplays Bats (who is exponentially better than osborn), the goblin would be no challenge at all.

Matthew Davis said on 12-03-2010
Matthew Davis

The Green Goblin in Ultimates was working on the super soldier serum. Mainstream Marvel Green Goblin was not. So that part of your argument is invalid.

Secondly, as others have pointed out, your supposition about revenge, while possibly valid, is not germane to this discussion as it stands.

Third, it has been posited that the Joker, as a result of his madness, is aware of the fictional nature of his reality and that his power is essentially metafictional in nature. This, as evidenced by the discussion regarding Deadpool in the hero brackets (and seriously? Deadpool a hero?) is quite a power and one that Osborn, who is more conventionally insane, cannot match.

Fourth, you argue from bias, sir. The match as described fits both characters. Osborn in a straight up fight fights. Joker engages in lateral thinking. That is why he is the Batman’s archnemesis. They both fight the same way — with their minds.

netweavr said on 12-03-2010
netweavr

How the hell did that happen.

Damnit Rob.

Vet. said on 12-03-2010
Vet.

If it’s classical Green Goblin vs Joker, its a toss up. Both are definately crazy but through their craziness their genius shines through.

However if you are talking current Green Goblin, well, turns out he’s lost his goblin setup and traded it in for an Iron Man suit. And he has his Dark Avengers. And HAMMER formerly known as SHIELD. Did I mention Sentry? Yeah, he’s got the Sentry. And with the current story arcs the Sentry is quite possible the strongest being in the Marvel Universe.

netweavr said on 12-03-2010
netweavr

Sentry can’t even beat the Hulk.

Matthew Davis said on 12-03-2010
Matthew Davis

The description of the match made it clear that it is the classic Green Goblin, not Iron Patriot, that we are discussing here.

Secondly, by that logic, Doom will win…beg pardon, Doom will Triumph(!) because he has the resources of an entire country available to him. Again, you are ignoring the limits of the match as described.

Vet. said on 12-03-2010
Vet.

Oh and Joker gas working? Norman created a cure for AIDS. He is a pure genius when it comes to chemicals and effects. I’m sure he’s pumped himself full of vaccines to be immune to laffy gas.

Matthew Davis said on 12-03-2010
Matthew Davis

The Joker is considered a genius when it comes to chemicals as well. That is canon. You may have a case that the serum which originally caused his madness would modify the effects of Joker’s serum, but nullify it entirely? That seems dubious.

tmntman said on 12-03-2010
tmntman

I think that you guys are making two serious miscalculations.
First, two days is not much time to prepare elaborate strategies, especially if each villain has the same two days and essentially is put on guard against the other. Maybe if you gave the Joker two days before you told the Goblin about the fight. But if both are told two days in advance, there is going to be a limit to what schemes the Joker could pull off.
Second, I don’t think you are giving the Goblin enough credit for being homicidal and or crazy. This is the guy that set up the mass killing of a stadium full of people recently and has killed in the past with no trouble. He isn’t in the Joker’s league of crazy, not even close. But he isn’t going to be distracted by a crowd in danger or stopped by a hostage.

I think it would be a double KO. With 2 days to prepare, the Joker probably doesn’t have enough time to prepare an effective strategy to actually win against the Goblin, especially if you assume that the Goblin has equal warning to protect against whatever the Joker might try. But the Joker may be crazy enough to decide that since Osborn is driven to win, then just making sure that the Goblin doesn’t win is enough of a win for him. So when the battle starts, the Joker sets off a bomb large enough to take them both out. Of course, this being the comic book world, they both survive but are eliminated since they are unable to continue fighting.

Matthew Davis said on 12-03-2010
Matthew Davis

You have a good point, unless said hostage is Harry. I think in that case Norman might give pause.

tmntman said on 12-03-2010
tmntman

I couldn’t say as my knowledge of comic book history isn’t that extensive. But I’ve seen a number of other people point out that Osborn has tried to kill Harry on more than one occasion himself. So if it meant winning, I don’t think Norman would have any problem letting Harry die.

ZeroCorpse said on 13-03-2010
ZeroCorpse

If the Joker paraded Harry in front of Norman Osborn, threatening to kill him, then Norman would kill both of them. Harry is NOT an effective human shield or psychological defense against Norman.

Too many people seem to base the outcome of this fight on the 1990s animated shows, or the movies, instead of the comics. In the comics, Norman pretty much hates his son and considers him a complete failure. The only reason Harry survived his last encounter with his dad is because Spider-Man saved him.

thereisnospoon said on 14-03-2010
thereisnospoon

…GG wanted to kill Harry, so he tried to kill him. ( failing, btw) If Harry was Joker’s hostage, I’m pretty sure the Egomaniac in GG would have some kind of mind-clouding control issues about someone else meddling with his shit.
Bottom line, the Joker is too unpredictable to … predict a proper counter strategy, and I just can’t see Norman not being manipulated by Mr. J. Mr. Osborn can’t even control his own thoughts, for shit’s sake.
…And yeah, I just think the Joker is waaaay cooler than the Green knob-gobbler, so in the comic book universe that alone spells victory. (in my humble opinion)

SAucyJack said on 12-03-2010
SAucyJack

You guys got the right decision, not the right path to it though. In an arena GG has overwhelming advantage…the only thing joker has is he has nothing to lose as compared to GG who has a family and a company and a fortune. No matter how crazy he may seem, he still knows on some level he has something there to lose.

Joker has nothing to lose…nothing.

Never fight with someone who has nothing to lose.

And the Joker says ‘Fuck your fucking rules’…given 2 days to prep, Joker would just kill GG 2 days prior to the event, strap GG’s corpse to his flying skateboard, remote control the whole gruesome cargo into the arena on fight day and make it appear he killed him in the arena.

These are villians, rules schmules and when it comes to rule breaking, Joker is par excellence

RobbieRobTown said on 14-03-2010
RobbieRobTown

Interesting.

thereisnospoon said on 14-03-2010
thereisnospoon

…sounds like a familiar strategy I may have heard somewhere before…

sayWhat said on 12-03-2010
sayWhat

I hope this isn’t a sign of things to come… GG is sadistic and mental and would kill the crowd to kill the joker. I just don’t get how a guy w/ no abilities is going to pull one over on GG. Sure the joker is crazy smart and sure he has nothing to lose. But I can only see Joker beating GG if GG had no idea who Joker was and no idea that there was even a match.

I think it all boils down to the sad fact that you’re all homophobes and hate his jet platform. Lame.

RobbieRobTown said on 14-03-2010
RobbieRobTown

Please see comment above from Steve, but I will admit to hating the jet platform. In fact, I will switch to calling it retarded.

Cate said on 12-03-2010
Cate

OK, the Heath Ledger comment honestly made my night XD I love how the Correctness will always let my inner-geek come out
Reply

SeriouslyAGeekGirl said on 12-03-2010
SeriouslyAGeekGirl

Wow…I think this smackdown will be more rife with controversy than the superhero one…and I wouldn’t have thought that

RobbieRobTown said on 14-03-2010
RobbieRobTown

You and me both, Sister, you and me both.

SeriouslyAGeekGirl said on 14-03-2010
SeriouslyAGeekGirl

Is it wrong that I’m excited about said controversy though?

Jag007 said on 12-03-2010
Jag007

This article was spot on! The reason the Joker wins is the chaos incarnate he is. GG can be as ruthless as he wants, kill the crowd, kill Harley, kill anyone he likes. But at the end of the day, the Joker just doesn’t care. GG is still stuck in a logical (if dark and twisted) world. The Joker is not bound by this. GG can’t prepare for the Joker if you give him 2 days or 2 years. And the Joker has contacts in any and everywhere. In two days, it’s feasible for him to find out who GG is, his loved ones and bring them into the mix. The Joker would stay wired on caffeine, cocaine, whatever for the whole 48 hours and just not stop.

ZeroCorpse said on 12-03-2010
ZeroCorpse

Clearly, the guys don’t know jack about the Green Goblin, and they think the Joker has Bugs Bunny’s powers.

1. Green Goblin has super strength (can lift 9 tons), super-reflexes (can keep up with Spider-Man), superior speed & endurance, heightened (genius) intellect (on par with Stark) and has a healing factor which has allowed him to survive being impaled (he can regenerate organs and tissues in hours).

2. Green Goblin is mega-rich, owns Oscorp which designs high-tech weapons and bio-weapons, and has an arsenal that makes Joker’s look pretty lame by comparison. This also means that the Joker isn’t getting anywhere near the Goblin’s gear during the prep phase… In fact, thanks to Norman’s resources, the Joker is going to be too busy fending off hit men, robotic assassins, and super-powered lackeys to make many plans.

3. Green Goblin’s costume isn’t just a rubber mask and tights. It’s ARMOR, not unlike Starktech. It’s resistant to bullets and has allowed him to survive explosions. It’s also got a gas mask built into the headpiece (as well as multi-optics, scanners, and pretty much everything Batman has in his cowl), so Joker’s gas attacks would be worthless, as would his attempt at administering an injection. You’re not poking a hypo needle through triple-weave Kevlar/Vibranium.

4. Norman hates Harry. Norman has tried to kill Harry a few times himself… So if the Joker killed Harry, Norman would laugh, and then break Harley Quinn’s neck for laughs.

5. Norman has murdered THOUSANDS of people– A whole stadium full, recently– just to get what he wanted. Gassing the arena wouldn’t give Norman pause. He wouldn’t give a damn.

6. Should Spider-Man show up due to some “kidnap MJ” plan, there’s just as good a chance that Spidey knocks out the Joker FIRST before going after Norman.

7. Just mentioning again: Norman’s WAY more intelligent than the Joker. He’s on Tony Stark’s level (Marvel rates both Osborn and Stark’s intelligence at “6″ on their scale of 1-7). He didn’t just buy his gear from the Tinkerer– He invented it. He’s a skilled engineer, biochemist, and strategist. He is a genius, and the Joker’s just a clever nutjob.

8. Norman’s also crazy enough to kill everyone in the arena, and single-minded enough to do it in order to win. He has an ego the size of Galactus, and willpower to match. He’s fighting for a goal, while the Joker would only be interested in chaos.

9. You’re high if you think the Green Goblin wouldn’t just fly in, zap the joker with a bolt from his 10,000 volt gloves, and then skewer him with the horns on his glider. Nothing the Joker could do would harm GG through his armor, save maybe for high explosives, and that would kill the Joker, too. In fact, after everyone’s dead from the Joker’s explosion, Norman’s guts would knit back together (healing factor) and he’d walk out the winner anyway.

ZeroCorpse said on 12-03-2010
ZeroCorpse

Here. Read and LEARN.

http://asylums.insanejournal.com/scans_daily/470385.html

in_brightest_day said on 13-03-2010
in_brightest_day

not a big marvel fan myself, and i still think that the joker would win… but, nicely said.

Tbinns said on 13-03-2010
Tbinns

Your point is well argued. Way too late to change the outcome, mind you but a damned good arguement nonetheless.

Cate said on 13-03-2010
Cate

You know, I agree with most of this, but my main thought it this: Batman and the Joker are always well matched, and its set so Batman BARELY manages to defeat Joker at the end. Same goes for Spider-man and the Green Goblin. At the end of almost all these comments, the Superhero ends up winning. No, if I remember correctly, these 2 never fought during the Superhero Smackdown, but do you REALLY think Spider-man would defeat Batman in a fight? I think if the Joker can take on Batman, and Batman could kick the ass of the guy who could take on Green Goblin, then the Joker probably has the best chance of winning. Obviously there’s a lot of other factors, but it’s just my theory.

1/4 20 said on 13-03-2010
1/4 20

kinda cool theory. but there are angry geeks in the crowd tonight and logical arguments will not satisfy their lust for blood. but i like it.

RobbieRobTown said on 14-03-2010
RobbieRobTown

Cate, this is essentially the theory we are operating on- the IF Bats=Awesome THEN Joker=Scariest.

thereisnospoon said on 14-03-2010
thereisnospoon

the whole healing factor stupidity is like a kid saying “I know you are but what am i” or “yeah, well… infinity plus 1.”
“What, my guy sucks? …well he has a healing factor, so Mr. Incredibly potent douchebag Child-molester Republican SuperTamponman wins.”

/ugh
Reply
BabyBabyRuth said on 13-03-2010
BabyBabyRuth

You know what’s crazier than both these guys put together?

RobbieRobTown said on 14-03-2010
RobbieRobTown

…the hell???

Tomass said on 15-03-2010
Tomass

nice jooorb!

netweavr said on 15-03-2010
netweavr

Upon further consideration, Green Goblin outclasses Joker in every way. The only way Joker comes out of this alive is by not showing up.

And even that method of survival would only be temporary.

cybersherpa said on 19-03-2010
cybersherpa

Joker would hold the stadium, city, MJ, Bat Girl, Harry Osborne, Lois Lane and your momma hostage, frame GG and have Batman, Spiderman, Superman and your old man capture GG when he shows up to the match. Then Joker, disguised as a beat cop, would shoot him in the head while he was cuffed.

Pharcyde said on 20-03-2010
Pharcyde

I posted my big ‘nerd’ post on the rules and brackets post..

Here I just want to say you guys could not have been more correct with this one. Pretty much exactly what was going through my head when I saw the match up.

Also..you’re right..its an imasculating mode of transportation..that would quickly be made a liability by the Joker as it sent Osborne rocketing into the pavement at terminal velocity.

BRA-F%CKING-VO!

Tempto said on 03-04-2010
Tempto

I have to re-iterate, I am a Spider-man Fanboi, but I have to agree that the Joker takes this one.

Here’s the problem with all the “Genius vs. Clever” arguments.

Being clever denotes a certain amount of cunning, quick thinking, even a level of common sense (although I hesitate to use the terminology “common sense” when referring to the joker..crucify me at the end, please), while being a genius simply means you’re great in school, at taking tests, and even doing things in a lab. It does not, in any way, mean a genius can outwit a clever person.

To be honest, the joker is more devious and more cunning, and all around more psychotic that the green goblin ever was, even at the peak of his insanity.

The fanboi in me is crying for justice, but I stick with it…the Joker is indeed the winner here.