Well kids, it’s time to cast the big one…Diana, the Amazon who in our Smackdown series somewhat controversially handed Captain America his ass on a shield, as it were. Her powers, like Superman’s, vary wildly depending on who you talk to but there is no doubt about her iconic status and her ability to not only hang with, but occasionally even beat the Big Boys.

The Correctness Casting Couch (finally)presents: Wonder Woman.

So Who Are We Replacing?

Well, we aren’t really. Linda Carter was so long ago and is, I’m sure, so treasured in our memories that we wouldn’t think of REPLACING her. Rather we will be focusing on the news that David E. Kelly, he of the wacky lawyer shows, has been given the go ahead by ABC to develop a Wonder Woman TV series. Now lets assume for the moment that he will give the Diana her due and make a good series instead of making her a lawyer by day who deals with a love triangle between her, Supes and Batman , and worries about her biological clock, and has so much “quirkiness” in her life it’s enough to choke the Giant Seahorse Aquaman rides on.

Lets assume it is a straightforward action adventure series, with Diana going from the Amazon Jungle to the urban jungle, kicking asses and taking names…as it should be.

In The Running

Sophia Bush

Not terribly familiar with her work but I have heard her name bandied about on the internet. I think she could pull it off, given the right circumstances. I’d have to see a screen test, but I think for a modern take on Wonder Woman, you could do worse.

Jodi Lyn O Keefe

Again, not super familiar with her work, but she certainly appears to have the kind of intensity the part would require. Maybe instead of a screen test, her and Sophia should just fight it out. The Amazons would be proud.

The “If You Were 5 Inches Taller And Had About 5-10 More Pounds of Muscle On You Award” Goes To…

Mila Kunis

Way too petite for the part, I know but she definitely has an exotic, captivating look. Apparently she was quite good in “Black Swan” so she has the chops. I can definitely see the tiara on her, she has the right face for it…but unless you have elevator boots and steroids in the contract, not quite the ass kicker you need here.

Hey, You Know Who I DON’T Want To Play The Part?

Megan Fox

Look at those eyes…they are utterly dead. They almost NEVER portray any kind of emotion…bored, lifeless zombie eyes. It’s like she was created whole cloth by Robert Zemekis for one of his 3-d animated films. She IS the Uncanny valley .She looks like one of those “Real” sex dolls and has about as much personality. No…no no no…definitely not, despite what a myriad of photoshop enthusiasts on the internet would have you believe.

And the “If I Had a Time Machine” Award goes to

IT’S A TIE!!!

Lucy Lawless circa 1997

Seriously. Come on. It’s like the Pierce Brosnon Bond. Do we even need to discuss this?

And

Jennifer Connolley Circa 1995

Hollywood got to her somewhere around 2000 or so and she became hopelessly skinny, but back in the day she had curves, acting chops, and sci-fi nerd cache. She is still a rather exquisite creature even today, but back then she would have been absolutely ideal.

The Top Three

3. Cobie Smulders

She has gone on record as saying the Wonder Woman casting thing is the curse of every actress with long dark hair, but I truly believe she could do something very interesting with the part and look good doing it. This choice also fulfills our Canadian Content mandate here on the Correctness, so everybody wins.

2. Ashley Greene

Yes, the chick from Twilight. It makes economic sense, if you are selling the thing to young girls who are looking for a strong female role model…they are more likely to buy into someone they already know and like. And I suppose there is a section of fanboy out there who prefers their Wonder Woman to be a little less butch. If that is the direction you want to go with it…you can’t get a much better choice than Ashley here.

And the #1 Choice for Wonder Woman is….

Megan Gale

“Uhhh…Tbinns? She already WAS cast as Wonder Woman, you lazy Canadian Fuck”

Yeah I know, but we didn’t actually get to see it…and in this case I think Miller’s casting was bang on the money. In fact it was the only casting choice in the whole doomed Justice League endeavor that didn’t make me scratch my head a little. Besides LOOK at her… Take a look at this picture…

And take a look at this one

It’s almost like she modeled for the thing. She has the look, the height, everything. If this woman came charging out at me with an Amazon battle cry I would be both frightened and aroused…which is EXACTLY how it should be for Wonder Woman.

So there it is…David E. Kelley take note, please, for the love of God, no campy lawyer shit.

Oh who am I kidding…it’s going to be complete shit.

So, while I’ve got you…who am I missing? What other Superheroines would you like to see on the Casting Couch?

Leave you suggestions, and of course your comments below. In the meantime…I’ll be in my bunk.

Superhero Smackdown!
Friday Night Fight!
Here at The Correctness SportsishNetwerkkz, we offer our be-all-end-all absolutely correct answers on which superheroes would win in a fight. Marvel? DC? Watchmen as distributed by DC? Spongebob Squarepants? It’s a 16 superhero smackdown to find one final winner! The playoffs continue this week in the Pengrowth Deathdrome.

TONY:

CAP: Miss, I’m going to have to ask you to stand down!

WONDER WOMAN: Sir, I’m going to have to warn you that if you call me “Miss” one more time, I will put that shield where it won’t come back right away.

CAP: I’d rather not hit a woman.

WONDER WOMAN: Don’t worry, you won’t.

CAP: I should warn you, Ma’am, if you insist on beating me up in that outfit and tying me up with your rope, I can’t promise I won’t become visibly aroused.

WONDER WOMAN (Shrugs): Wouldn’t be the first time.

With that, Cap tosses his shield which is deflected instantly off of Diana’s bracelets, off of an alley wall and remarkably and improbably right back to him.

It’s on.

This is quite a tough call. Steve Rodgers is at the ABSOLUTE PEAK of human conditioning, a genius tactician, a master martial artist. But Diana is part of an immortal race of warriors, made from clay by the gods. While Steve’s strength is as good as a human can get, hers is actually superhuman. Plus she can fly which has to be quite the advantage. Will she use her truth lasso and make Steve confess about that one very special lonely night with Bucky on the beaches of Normandy? Will Cap’s cooler head prevail and catch her in an arrogant anger induced mistake, thus causing her to ruin her diet with a mouthful of shield sandwich?

Either way it would be a good fight I think. They are quite evenly matched, and it could go either way, depending on who makes the first mistake, so it comes down to character. The whole thing hinges on it, in fact, which is why I’m going with Wonder Woman. Yes, she has a strength and power advantage but Steve has been outmatched and won plenty of times.

No, I think chivalry will ultimately undo Captain America. There are bound to be spots in the fight where he can take a cheap shot and do some pretty major damage, but if he’s fighting a woman, even one who can kick his ass, he will hesitate. And you cannot hesitate for even a moment or the Amazon will take you down, and not in the way you’d be hoping.

And if she got mad enough to don the battle armor and the sword? Forget it. You are done.

I’m giving this one to Wonder Woman

DAVE:

The Boy Scout vs the Amazon Princess. That sentence should pretty much say it all. You could maybe make a decent argument that Cap knows his combat, and his tactics, and his gymnastics, and that hand-to-hand, he’s about as good as it gets. He’s also dead. That’s right. Killed by … a Cosmic Force? The fist of an angry god? Consumption by the fabric of the universe? Nope. A bullet. A normal old bullet. OR WAS IT!!!! (No, it was a time travelly thing, how much ass does that suck?) So he’s NOT dead, but could have been.

But WW could snap his neck like a twig. She can fly, she can exist in the vacuum of space for a short period of time. Her Bracelets are invincible, and that shield would going panging off of it time after time. Wonder Woman could have taken that bullet and shrugged it off. Because she’s practically a goddess herself. She’s smart, sexy, good with animals. I think that girl is going to make it in the modern world. Cuz it’s you Diana, and you should know it!

In the parlance of this very medium, I am choosing Wonder Woman, because Cap is ‘teh gay’, and because she could go 27 rounds with him, leave him begging for more, then finish him off, bring home the bacon, and fry it up in the invisible jet.

Winner: Wonder Woman

ROB:

[Sighs heavily]

Let me tell you a story. In High School, we all had a plan to blow up the school- like, you know, a real plan on paper. We talked about it, we took measurements of the hallways, we discussed the efficacy of various explosives. Now, this was the mid nineties, and nobody thought we were a serious threat, and you know what? We weren’t. I don’t know what kind of screwed up monkey actually tries to blow up a school, but you can’t tell me you never thought about it? Not even once? I mean, we measured a minivan and priced out a sawzall to see if we could get the minivan through the double doors.  We even had a plan to use cesium from the science lab.

I am telling you this story because I hope it is more compelling than a fight between Wonder Woman and Captain America, the modern relevance of both of whom is subjective at best. Both had their social relevance at one time, and now both are fucktarded.

Winner: Wonder Woman

Decision : Wonder Woman takes it unanimously.

Next week: Kitty Pryde vs Deadpool! The final of the round of 16!!!!

Thanks for joining us. Let your righteous indignation be heard below.