Action Smackdown: Indiana Jones versus Ellen Ripley

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ACTION SMACKDOWN!

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This week, Indiana Jones vs. Warrant Officer Ellen Ripley vs. RobbieRobTown’s insane ramblings that you will no doubt hate more than usual.

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A decent match-up. We have Indy’s luck and determination against Ripley’s luck and ability to hold children as she fights. Indy is an interesting study, he has many facets of an action hero, and yet, because he preceded most of the “Action Movie” phase of Hollywood, he’s not superhuman and awesome at everything he does. Ripley is a working stiff from a spaceship who get victimized a lot, and is able to keep her head when things get all “AAAAAAH acid blood and thousands of them and we’re all gonna die!”-ey.

The Horn goes, and both combatants run for the weapons platform. It’s not pretty to watch, as neither are what you’d called finely honed athletes. They get there roughly at the same time, and because nothing ever goes right the first time for Indy, Ripley gets to her big space gun first. Indy is able to grasp the edge of the platform, and reaches for his revolver. Can’t do it, and the bullets start flying. He settles for the whip, and falls to the ground, wincing as he lands on his back. Ripley moves to the edge of the platform, and Indy backs up to avoid being shot. Ripley aims the gun from above the platform, leaving it exposed. Suddenly, the weapon is ripped from her grasp as the whip coils around it, and Indy yanks it away. the momentum sends Ripley off the platform, and she separates her shoulder on the awkward landing. Indy starts walking toward her, but she reveals, in her good hand, the revolver. Indy backs up, she shoots. There is a hole in a fedora, which pisses Indy off to no end. No longer holding back, he pulls the Big Gun up, and finishes thing off.

Winner: Indiana Jones.

Cub Reporter Keith

This time they’ve sorted out Ripley’s special weapon in advance and it’s that big gun thing from Aliens as seen here. Newt doesn’t count as a special weapon and Ripley can’t ask any space marines to help her.

Seriously, where did some folks get the idea this was “Action Hero and-everyone-they-ever-met Smackdown”? No, Kirk can’t get the entire Federation to back him up. And the space marines would kick their asses anyway.

I want all action movies to just be pluralized for the sequel. Or a grammar change. Aliens, Die Harder. This can work. The first of Depp’s franchise should have been Pirate of the Caribbean, they left that nowhere to go. Pirates of the Caribbeans? Pirates 2: Pirate Harder? Rocky 2: Rockier?

Moving right along at an embarrassingly slow pace …Indy’s special weapon is his whip. And I’ve just lost the nerd fetish crowd to mental images of Sigourney Weaver and whips.

Ripley faces off against Dr Henry “Indiana” Jones II (even his name is already a sequel!). Indiana’s hat is sitting on the ground and a breeze blows dust across it. We pan up to see him put it on his head, then staple it in place to make sure it doesn’t fall off during the fight.

The two opponents run straight for the weapons, neither a very strong hand-to-hand combatant. Sure, Indy can take a punch. Remember when he fought that Nazi mechanic in Raiders? He got the crap kicked out of him but still won.

Indy grabs his whip. Ripley stares him in the eyes and grabs the whatever-rifle and starts firing. Indy jumps to the ground, narrowly dodging the in-coming rounds. He rolls and his hat doesn’t fall off. Thanks, stapler! Ripley peers over the edge of the pedestal and Indy snaps his whip, taking her right eye out. Screaming in agony as blood pours down from the destroyed eye socket, she drops the rifle. Never one to miss an opening, Indy scrambles for the rifle.

Ripley jumps from the pedestal but Indy is too fast. He unloads the entire 278 rounds into Ripley’s falling form. The remains of her body land with a wet thump.

A door opens to his right and Indy rolls sideways and pulls the trigger. His gun is empty (I just said that a paragraph ago, pay attention). Two men in suits enter and pick up Ripley’s corpse. Indiana notices something startling.

“What the hell? This woman has no belly button. She’s a clone!” he exclaims. “This body belongs in a genetics laboratory”

“We’ll have our top men work on it, Dr Jones.”

“Who?”

“TOP men…”

Winner: Indiana Jones

Loser: anyone who was offended by the violence of this week’s entry.

Cub Reporter Keith is on Twitter as CubReporterK

RobbieRobTown

Sorry for the hold up gang, yesterday was Remembrance Day in Canada, and that means I was shaving my balls by candlelight most of the day. You know, to honour my freedom to do so. Nazis, and what a bunch of jerks they are will feature in this smackdown. Or not, maybe. We can all agree we dislike nazis.

This week’s smackdown is a battle of my childhood versus my adulthood. Indie and I met when he arrived at my house on Beta. Yeah, beta. BETA. It was pretty sweet. Indie is seen through the nostalgic haze of youth for me. Yeah, the movie is in pretty sharp focus, but after 10 or 15 viewings on Beta format tape, it started to look pretty soft focus- VHS after 2 viewings, in my humble opinion. Anyway, Indiana Jones has everything about a fondly remembered past going for it. I was young enough not to understand that Indiana Jones was a serial style adventure story. I didn’t recognize any of the conventions of serial stories, as far as I was concerned, this was all new and exciting.

I finally saw “Alien” about 10 years after getting out of film school – Oh, and the reason you guys can no longer argue with my opinion about film is that I have a film school diploma. I keep it in my closet, and bring it out whenever someone doesn’t agree with my assessment of a film. I typically use the “You are wrong about this movie, here is my diploma” gambit when I am ready to be broken up with.

From the cold, stark, crusty-boxered view of adulthood, Alien was one of the best “cabin in the woods”  films ever made. For our more retarded fans, I don’t mean that literally (shows you his diploma), but it is an impeccably crafted B-Monster film set in the ultimate isolated location.

In fact, we have two B film stars fighting this week.

Both Indy and Ripley are great at confronting their fears. Indy can cope with a tomb full of snakes, and Ripley can cope with a nest full of acid-blooded drooling space snakes. Psychologically, there is no point in comparing phobias. But we are not psychologists (shows you his diploma), and there is simple math here:

Bravery = overcoming adversity divided by severity of threat. That’s science. B=OA/SOT.

I love Indy, but the scariest thing in the universe is ACID BLOODED SPACE SNAKE-LIONS WITH SCORPION TAILS AND MOUTH-TONGUES THAT HAVE FLYING HAND-VAGINAS WHICH LAY EGGS IN YOUR CHEST.

Indy all deals with a lot of Nazis. Nazis are pretty scary too. They are the scariest bad guys in a lot of films, and it sure seems like they could shoot acid and probably have flying hand-vaginas, but they don’t. Are they more psychologically disturbing because of their inhumanity? IN some stories, yes, but in the INdiana Jones stories, they are mostly kind of stupid. Ironic that Spielberg directed Schindler’s List, in which the Nazis are intensely terrifying. Just not in the Indy films.

I have decided that this is a challenge about bravery, and Ripley is scientifically more brave.

You: RobbieRobTown, this is an aesthetic thing about characters.

Me: (Shows you diploma)

You: Robbie, seriously, That diploma doesn’t make you correct. About anything.

Me: (Shakes the diploma a bit)

You: Stop it.

Me: (Shakes diploma) Film. School. GRaduate.

You: AUUUUGHH! (killing me)

Me: (dying slowly enough to look you in the eyes one last time, and shake my diploma)

Winner: Ripley, who defeated the ACID BLOODED SPACE SNAKE-LIONS WITH SCORPION TAILS AND MOUTH-TONGUES THAT HAVE FLYING HAND-VAGINAS WHICH LAY EGGS IN YOUR CHEST.

Loser: Beta.

So Indiana Jones moves on to the Quarter Final, and we move on to the next round. Discussion, hatred, compliments below.

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7 thoughts on “Action Smackdown: Indiana Jones versus Ellen Ripley

  1. Robbie, I struggle to say that I somewhat agree with you… that hurts my brain hole to say. There are two ways I can see Indy winning this one 1. It comes to a one on one fist fight where the mere sound of Indy’s fists hitting flesh will defeat her. 2. Indy seduces her with a swarthy smirk.
    Winner
    Ripley (In space, no one can hear your fists land)
    Looser: Any posts I make where I don’t get to use the word “swarthy”

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