Action Smackdown : Ellen Ripley versus Captain Malcom Reynolds
ACTION SMACKDOWN!
This week: Warrant Officer Ellen Ripley, late of the Nostromo, vs. Captain Malcom Reynolds of the Firefly class spaceship Serenity. Ms. “Get away from her, you bitch” vs. Mr. “If your hand touches metal, I swear by my pretty floral bonnet I will end you”. Let’s get it on like the Yuuzhan Vong.
Admin_Rock
Our first true “tough one” of the bracket. Ripley is no slouch, having taken on countless Aliens. She’s used to mixing it up, and coming out on top, regardless of the odds. On the other hand, Mal is a scrapper. He never really gets ahead, but he always wins. He’s also underestimated by almost everyone. He presents a charming face, and an ‘aw shucks’ attitude, but make no mistake, he’ll kill you in a heartbeat. And I don’t even want to hear any of that “Mal is too much of a gentleman to harm a lady.” Bullshit. If his life is on the line, he won’t hesitate.
The horn goes, and Mal and Ripley both make their way for the gun pole. Mal gets to his gun first, and begins shooting. He’s close to the mark, but just misses. Ripley gets her gun/flamethrower dealie, but also a shot in the leg for her trouble. Thus begins the longest battle in arena history. Mal chases, Ripley stays a step ahead, with her injured leg slowing her down. Finally, Mal comes around the the post, Ripley fires off a desperation burst, catching Mal with the flamethrower. His hair is singed, and he’s pissed.
“Lady, I’m getting awful tired of this. Let’s settle it”. Ripley steps out from behind the post, limping as she does so. Mal says “On the count of three..”. Both of them, knowing better fire immediately. The flamethrower mangles Mal’s face some more, possibly destroying his good looks permanently, and he catches a round in his shoulder. Ripley takes two to the chest, and collapses. Mal falls to the ground, and passes out. Ripley falls as well. She doesn’t get back up.
Winner: Mal, by the slimmest of margins.
Tbinns
This one poses more questions than there are good answers for. Questions like: How are they going to get a giant mech style loading machine on a tiny platform? Would the otherwise gallant Captain Mal dig deep and kill an essentially innocent woman? More importantly, would he be wearing a pretty floral bonnet when he did so?
In times of uncertainty, we must always turn to the comforting rigidity of mathematics…
A Mathematician
I think it’s fair to say that Ripley defeating not just AN Alien…but several ALIENS and then their giant Queen translates to…
Ripley >Aliens.
So we must then postulate, having never had one aboard Serenity whether or not Captain Mal would in fact vanquish an Alien…or several… or their Queen. I seem to recall in the last episode, Mal and his whole crew almost got completely wiped out by one guy. Since we postulate that a number of Aliens could beat one guy we have to assume
Mal < Aliens
So mathematically
Ripley >Aliens, and Aliens> Mal therefore Ripley >Mal.
Hooray for Math!
Hooray indeed.
But wait! Is this specious logic at work?
A Logic Expert
After all Mal< Aliens might be an erroneous supposition, based on the fact that Mal has fought and defeated Reavers, who are in there own rapey cannibally way almost as fearsome as aliens. No acid for blood, but on the whole pretty terrifying. But unless we actually saw a Serenity Crew vs. Alien Mash up, we’d have no way of knowing. All we know is that they would have our money and our asses would be in the seats opening day.
a chest worth bursting?
So in the face of the failures of Math and Logical Philosophy…let us turn to out old stand by Science!
a reputable television scientist
FACT OF SCIENCE: Ripley’s finishing move is pressing a button and watching her adversary get sucked out of an airlock. She’s a master of the art of Vogon-Fu. Thing is…there aren’t any airlocks in the arena, folks. The scientific method would demand rigorous testing, but most reputable scientists would be likely to theorize a Mal Wins Scenario.
All of which leads to one undeniable conclusion.
I’m Tbinnsing the shit out of this article because I haven’t got the first clue who would win . I’m about 20 seconds away from a coin toss here.
Wait a minute… Joss Whedon actually CREATED Mal and wrote an Alien movie! Let’s just ask him!
JOSS: I never wrote an Alien film
TONY: Yes, yes you did.
JOSS: No I didn’t, I’m very busy directing the Avengers go away…
TONY: Dude, we know you wrote Alien Resurrection…
JOSS: LA LA LA LA LA I DID NOT WRITE THAT IT NEVER HAPPENED LA LA LA LA!!!!!
Well, clearly Joss is not going to help me.
So let’s assume that Ripley’s weapon is that bad ass pulse rifle with the blow torch/grenade launcher attachment, and Mal’s trusty sidearm is there as well.
Buzzer sounds, Mal swears in Chinese, as the smart and determined Ripley bolts for the weapons…It’s neck and neck up to the platform…Mal’s hand grabs for the pisto…REAVERS!!!!!
REAVERS!!!!! OH GOD RUN RUN FOR YOUR LIVES! REAVERS…
Ughhh alright FINE I’ll make a decision.
Hmmmmmmm. Uhhh.
Crap.
Ummm Mal wins. Because…uhhh…Oh okay how about this…Mal wins because he is a soldier trained in hand to hand, and Ripley a determined survivor…which cancels that out.
DAMMIT!!!
Okay…here it is. The Winner is Ripley. Because Joss Whedon kills off beloved characters, and Ripley keeps coming back, even after death. And Because Mal would die rather than kill an innocent woman.
Yes. Mal dies rather than break principal and Ripley survives. That feels right.
There. Ripley. I said it, I stand by it.
I think.
WINNER: Ripley
LOSER: Guys who can’t make a decision
Cub Reporter Keith
Ripley knows the stakes. She has been down this road before. Some faceless inter-planetary corp with its own agenda has put her in harm’s way again. She looks across the arena to see Malcom Reynolds, captain of the Serenity, smiling back at her.
“I’ll just charm the little lady into giving up,” Mal thinks, “no need for her to get her pretty head blowed off.”
“What an @$$hole,” Ripley says under her breath.
Up on the pedestal are Mal’s signature sidearm and Ripley’s most iconic weapon, the 15-foot tall zero-gee landing bay mech.
“What the hell am I going to do with that even if I got to it?” Ripley asks no one in particular.
Thankfully for the Cub Reporter, Ripley doesn’t know she is being controlled by an omnipotent writer creating all of this from his memory of the Alien film fest he had about 5 years back. She would kick his Cubby butt.
“You won’t need it. You just have to strike hard and fast.” She looks down to see that Bishop’s head is sitting near her. There is no more explanation for this than there is any other time Bishop suddenly shows up to give her expository information.
Ripley stalks toward Mal, grabbing the closest loose rock, ever the improviser.
“Let’s us work out some peaceable solution to this here conundrum, what say?” Mal says in a nearly incomprehensible mish-mash of dialogue styles.
“I don’t even care who sent you, Reynolds. I’m tried of being used.”
Ripley is only a few feet away and towers over Reynolds, mostly because your narrator thinks she is taller than she really is. She’s really 2 inches shorter than Mal, but that isn’t the picture in my head. If you don’t like it, just pretend I said they were eye to eye or something.
Ripley winds back with her small rock that doesn’t count as a weapon. Mal smiles, knowing what comes next.
But it doesn’t come. Because in every single episode of Firefly when Mal gets into a spot like this Zoe comes along and saves him. Or the Serenity comes blasting up from behind a cliff to surprise everyone. Or Wash makes a distracting quip. Or River kills a whole bunch of people with her brain.
None of that happens. Mal is alone. Which is why he gets his head bashed in by Ripley who is way cooler.
Winner: Ripley
Loser: Cub Reporter Keith who now has to explain why he visits a site from work that has this much TBinns’ing
Follow Keith on Twitter at CubReporterK and listen to his comic book podcast at www.wetalkcomics.podomatic.com
DECISION: Ripley
So Ripley moves on to battle Indiana Jones in the next round. Tune in next week for Sarah Connor vs John McClane. Have something to say? Probably. Do so below.
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Wow… A site full of this much nerdiness didn’t pander to Wheadon-fueled hysteria in the wake of an Avengers trailer that they admittedly just finished giving free advertising to (not that it needed it…) in the previous article.
A correct decision. Not a ‘correctness’ decision. That would sound dumb. I have no qualms with this. Cue Tomass ranting about the lack of RRT….. Now!
The M-Daddy(Quote) (Reply)
@The M-Daddy,
Nope
Tomass(Quote) (Reply)
@Tomass, Aww, no fun
The M-Daddy(Quote) (Reply)
@The M-Daddy,
Yer a “no fun”
Tomass(Quote) (Reply)
“None of that happens. Mal is alone. Which is why he gets his head bashed in by Ripley who is way cooler.”
I seem to remember Mal taking out the Alliance operative in Serenity without any help from anyone. It’s not like he’s feeble or something.
I have no beef with the outcome, as I mentioned, it was by far the closest match-up yet, but you both need to brush up on your Firefly/Serenity. Mal is far more badass than you boys seem to think.
admin_rock(Quote) (Reply)
@admin_rock,
Yip
Tomass(Quote) (Reply)
@admin_rock, Inara saved Mal the first time and the second fight ended in a draw. My point stands, Mal is almost always saved by someone.
Cub Reporter K(Quote) (Reply)
I can live with this, out come. Both are bad ass and it’s totally plausible for either to win.
Tomass(Quote) (Reply)
Ooh. This one was a toughie. I have a love-in with Mal, but Ripley is kick-ass.
If he could have called on Zoe, he would have won, but on his own, I agree that he would lose.
Dazzler(Quote) (Reply)
No RRT this week. My life feels empty. Granted it doesn’t say much about my life if I am spending all my time waiting for Friday to roll around so that I can hurl invectives at some poor lonely dude who I would most likely be good friends with in real life.
I just want to be loved.
I mean, I can’t make fun of Keith. I don’t know how delicate his sensibilities are. It would just be wrong.
I do think you guys are forgetting that Mal on at least two occasions threatened to kill a woman. First was in the first episode when he had Jayne target Prudence. Second was when Yo-Saf-Bridge showed up again. While i know he is a gentleman, I do believe he would kill a woman in a fight, if he felt she was a threat and Ripley is most definitely a threat.
Also, I’ve been trying to figure out all those equations on the backs of those lasses. it looks like there is some volumetric analysis, some partial derivatives, Newton’s Second Law, and what looks to be a direction cosine matrix.
Yes, I am a nerd.
spcMike(Quote) (Reply)
@spcMike, an INNOCENT woman. Saffron wasn’t one of those. My decision is shaky as it is, let us not play Jenga with the shaky wooden blocks of my arguement
Tbinns(Quote) (Reply)
@spcMike, not to mention
“I mean to confound these bungers. Take my shot at getting to Miranda. Maybe find something I can use to get clear of this. So I hear a word out of any of you that ain’t helping me out or taking your leave, I will shoot you down. Get to work! ” – to HIS OWN CREW
admin_rock(Quote) (Reply)
@admin_rock, threatening is one thing…doing it is quite another. Can you picture him shooting Kaylee in cold blood?
Tbinns(Quote) (Reply)
@Tbinns,
Mmmmmmmm Kaylee…
Tomass(Quote) (Reply)
@spcMike, I appreciate you not attacking me. I am indeed a delicate flower.
Cub Reporter K(Quote) (Reply)
@spcMike, I love you Mike.
Pretty solid effort again this week boys. Another correct decision… I base that on really liking the first two Alien movies and not ever having watched whatever Mal was in. That probably gets any of my Correctness Geek points that I may have earned for my comments last week, taken away. It’s a shame that the Aliens series stopped after the second movie, it had potential to have more good movies made about it. Too bad NO OTHER ALIEN MOVIES WERE EVER MADE, EVER!!!
Homer(Quote) (Reply)
1) in “shindig”, mal stabs a beaten and downed man twice, and the poor buggers only mistake was to call inara a whore. surely atherton was “innocent” of any serious wrongs. ripley on the other hand is trying to kill mal in a fight … mal wins
b) nathan fillion > sigourney weaver, thus mal > ripley … mal wins
1/4 20(Quote) (Reply)
@1/4 20, He also threw a tied up henchman in to a running engine.
admin_rock(Quote) (Reply)
@admin_rock, Mal is indeed the master of defeating tied up, unconscious or otherwise defenseless opponents.
Cub Reporter Keith(Quote) (Reply)
@Cub Reporter Keith, Well, of course the point of contention is that he’s too nice, too much of a gentleman to shoot a woman. These things simply point out that in truth, he is quite willing and capable of action in such a fashion.
admin_rock(Quote) (Reply)
I would like to reiterate that as a Joss Whedon character…Mal’s sudden and shocking death plays into a very well established pattern
Tbinns(Quote) (Reply)
@Tbinns, Not sure Whedon has ever killed off his lead character (not for real, anyways, Buffy’s two brief deaths notwithstanding.) If it was a supporting character, maybe. Provide evidence for your claim, let’s see if it stands up.
admin_rock(Quote) (Reply)
@admin_rock, I would call Penny in Dr. Horrible a lead character. I would say that Wash and Shepard book weren’t exactly special guests. And you should probably define “Lead” since as you have already said, Whedon specializes in ensembles. Then there is this
http://fandomania.com/joss-whedons-16-most-painful-character-deaths/
Tbinns(Quote) (Reply)
@Tbinns, Penny, well, had to die. It’s the most interesting outcome to the story. And I will concede that in final episodes of things (Buffy, the Serenity film), he does like to go to town.
And well, yes there are ensembles, but always a “lead”. Buffy, Angel, Mal, Echo. Usually the one walking at the front of the slow-mo walking shot.
I’d still argue that it’s hardly an established pattern to kill his lead, but will admit that he enjoys taking out a supporting character or 12 when the chance arises.
admin_rock(Quote) (Reply)
@admin_rock, in Ripley versus Mal…Ripley is definitely the lead. You can bet your ass her name is on the marquee first. That makes Mal the supporting character, ripe for a shocking Whedonesque death
Tbinns(Quote) (Reply)
@Tbinns, Well, that’s just stupid. you’re taking the logical argument and moving it to another set of parameters entirely. I’m now sad that I stooped to conceed a point of logic to you. I’m taking that one back until you think about what you’ve done.
admin_rock(Quote) (Reply)
Much as I’d love to piss all over this decision too, I have to say I kinda agree, though I don’t want to. Ripley wins, and the crowd finds itself booing in spite of itself.
But I will slap around CRK, since he seems to have broken the judging rules, as this:
“Loser: Cub Reporter Keith who now has to explain why he visits a site from work that has this much TBinns’ing” indicates that he read his master’s decision before revealing his own.
Also for purposes of who might be more narratively likely to die, Ripley in fact HAS died in her movies, whereas Mal has not. For what it is worth.
The real question brought up by this discussion is more interesting:
WHO WILL WHEDON KILL OFF in his next little “ensemble” project: The Avengers?
Doug Winship(Quote) (Reply)
@Doug Winship, Nice rules check. But no, I wrote mine 2 weeks before everyone else. I added that final line for an extra giggle when I put in an advert for my super awesome comic podcast.
That podcast? Glad you asked. We Talk Comics #10, New 52: Aftermath, is live now. Download or stream at http://wetalkcomics.podomatic.com/
(PS: site is being glitchy, hopefully this doesn’t post 8 times)
CubReporter(Quote) (Reply)
Let’s consider the effects of time. The Firefly series started out awesome, and got awesomer over time. When cancelled, it moved into movie territory, and Serenity was a shining star of awesomeness.
The Aliens series started out good, got briefly awesome, then descended rapidly into craptacular.
So now, years after the last installment in either series, where are they now?
Sigourney Weaver, while pretty awesome once, is now what, past 60? Nathan Fillian still has a healthy dose of awesome in him, so I think he should win.
Even if Ripley’s mech-loader would squish Mal like a bug.
Artor(Quote) (Reply)
The logic of Joss killing beloved characters is valid but the shocking death already happened, that being Wash. Killing Mal is a cop out.
Mal would win, hands down. He beat the operative, he beat the reavers and would stomp Ripley and her little newt too.
Mkarzi(Quote) (Reply)
Second week in a row the commenters have shown up and knocked it out of the park. Well done, folks.
admin_rock(Quote) (Reply)
This is a great debate. I’d like to add my two cents.
I’m not a Firefly guy, but I saw the movie. (And liked it)
But I LOVE Ripley. One of my favorite characters.
What I love about her is that she isn’t some super woman, she is just a person Getting It Done!
But would that in any way prepare her for a fight in an arena against a trained soldier?
No. I really don’t think so.
She wouldn’t win against an Alien in that scenario either. She is sneaky and stealthy and the only time she really went in toe to toe was in the mech suit. The one that took a long time to get into.
Other than that, stealth was her ally, which is gone in this case.
Training wins here I believe. If he really is a trained soldier.
Len(Quote) (Reply)