This week, John McLane versus James Bond! Will Jimmy get Jacked? Will a Johnny get Jimmied? Stay tuned!
I’ve said it before and I’ve said it again…if this was the character of James Bond overall, he’d run through EVERYONE like a hot knife through butter. The ONLY REASON this isn’t a cakewalk is that we have limited it to Daniel Craig. We only have two movies to draw precedent from, and it makes this something approximating a fair fight.
So let’s go through this step by step.
Weapons are on a high platform. We can infer from the running sequence in Casino Royal that Bond will gain the early advantage first. However, and this is vital…McClane thrives in situations where someone else has the upper hand. If he were an artist, it would be his chosen medium. Some people work with clay, some with oil painting, McClane works in turning things around right when you think he’s fucked.
And let’s face it, he does have some experience eliminating snooty Europeans.
What about if the shit gets real in a hand to hand way? Both are hard asses, but if I were handing out a Hard Ass Trophy,(What would THAT look like, I wonder?) I would probably give it to the guy who had his balls pulverized and still wouldn’t talk before I give it to the guy who ran over glass. Both guys have killed people with their bare hands…only to have them come back to life and nearly get killed. The difference is when it happened to Bond…he corrected his own mistake, McClane had to be rescued by the dad from Family Matters.
How humiliating is that?
So it would appear on the surface that this is tilting toward Bond but not so fast…
The appeal, for me anyway, of Craig’s Bond is the fact that he’s a bit green, he makes mistakes, he loses his cool. McClane has it all over this particular Bond in terms of experience in tight situations.
I think tactically, they are both pretty equal, you don’t take out a building/airport/city full of terrorists/thieves without knowing a little something about tactics. But Bond is fucking tenacious. He will run you down on foot, by truck, by boat, he does not give a fuck, he will not stop until one of you is dead.
Wow. This is one of the toughest ones so far.
But I think I’m going with Bond.
My reasons being an MI6 Agent is bound to have a few more tricks up his sleeve than a former NYPD Officer. Chances are Bond was recruited from the SAS, widely considered the most elite fighting force on the planet. I don’t think McClane can match that in terms of training, or even the various ways one can stop a fellow human from breathing .I also think in an arena, the chances of employing McClane’s guerrilla tactics are pretty much zero, so you have taken away one of his major advantages. It’s a long tough fight but in the end, I have to give it to Bond.
JAMES BOND WILL RETURN IN “The Next Round Of Smackdown”
This one is an interesting fight. We have the superspy, the master of tactics vs the man who who has an x-factor, the guy the rules rarely apply to.
On a purely personal level, Daniel Craig’s Bond bores the Living Shit out of me. And before you get up in my grill about it, recognize that I’m a lifelong Bond fan, that I know of what I speak. But the current Bond writers have it all wrong. Casino Royale was a nice “reboot”, and a fun jumping off spot, but they immediately made a mess of things again. He’s not a Bond that I get excited about, or can get behind. Who knows, maybe the next film will prove me wrong. We can only hope.
John McClane, however, is a hero for the ages. He’s deeply flawed, and as human as it gets. I believe that had the original Die Hard ended with him taking a bullet at he saves the day, the movie would be an instant classic, and people would be writing term papers about it and him. But, in Hollywood, cash is king, and we get sequels.
The thing that makes this battle tricky is that all of Bond’s strengths play directly to McClane’s strengths. For every insightful tactical move, McClane has a lucky move. For each well thought out strike, McClane has his way of making it fail. So, on the surface, it seems like McClane is unstoppable.
But the problem is that McClane comes out on top by luck, by tenacity, by chance. Bond does as well, but he’s amuch better improvisor. Bond makes it look effortless, where McClane puts all his energy in to creating what Bond does with ease. So when the first burst of flurries are done, McClane is spent, and Bond is just getting warmed up.
John buddy, I love you to pieces, but we have to give this round to Bond.
First off, if I were a tyrannosaurus rex, I would wreck your balls for my pleasure. I would stomp ‘em! I would stomp your balls, and then I would eat them, but not in a sexy way- I would eat them in a cruel tyrannosaurus rex way, and then I would poop your balls out on a rice cake, and make you eat my ballspoop. Tyrannosaurus Wrecks-yer-balls! It would be the last time in your life you ever hear this phrase: “Nice sack, champ,”, because you wouldn’t have a sack and you wouldn’t be a champ. What’s up with coaches always complimenting a champions scrotum? That seems a difficult compliment to give. Still, I mean, I wish I could hear the phrase “Nice sack, champ!” more often, because hardly anyone, coaches or no, compliments my junk anymore.
So, which of our heroes this week has the requisite satchel of hot nuts to win a battle? Who has the bearings and who has the flapjacks? Who has the cajones, and who has the retarded gonads?
John Mclane has a giant sackfull of cantaloupes. He is always laying down his bowling-ball-caddy on the table at parties and is all like “Who wants to kick this? I dare you”. He has such a weighty pouch that it has an event horizon. He has such huge globes that the Rockefeller Plaza Christmas tree is all like “I wish my balls were as huge as that”. John Mclane has such an impressive cargo truck that airports blow up inside his scrotum, like, all the time.
James Bond, on the other hand, has an immense spheroidal flesh croquet game being played his pantaloons. His tailored Burberry coat can barely cover the rolling crotch real estate betwixt his thighs. James bond has such an unfathomably deep pocketspouch that R’lyeh is down there. If James Bond’s balls were were made of concrete, you could make a 600 foot tall snowman out of them. James Bond has such enormous janglyjewels that whenever he walks around, you can hear the sound of the distant future falling through a gravity well, which sounds exactly like giant water-filled weather balloons splattering on orphans. Yeah, those orphans are gonna need, like, 200 quanta of solace to feel better once they cross paths with those dangly planetoids.
I think when these fellas go sack to sack, the real winner will be friendship, because these guys have enough balls to seriously make out when they see each other. It takes major testicular fortitude to make out with another dude. I would pay to see that, am I right guys?
Bond is smart, McLane isn’t really, Bond wins. Nice sack, Champ!
Loser: Your future erections.
Decision: James Bond
So Bond moves on to the Semi-Final. Next week, Jason Bourne vs the Bride (Beatrix Kiddo), as the Quarter Finals draw to a close.
Agree? Disagree? Have a thought? Feel like attacking others on the internet to make yourself feel like a big man? All of this and more…below.