Action Hero Smackdown: Indiana Jones versus Snake Plissken

ACTION SMACKDOWN!

This week: Snake Plissken of “Escape From x” fame vs Indiana Jones of “Seriously? If you don’t know who he is, you’re in the wrong place. go visit knitmebabyonemoretime.com or something.

The rules are simple, and can be found HERE.

Let’s get it on, like River Song.

TBINNS

The stadium is packed….and a cheer goes up, as John Carpenters pulsing digital theme comes over the loudspeaker, and Snake Plissken limps into the arena. He’s not hurt or anything, he just knows the limp makes him look cooler. Then, after a few moments…John Williams’ triumphant march starts, and the crowd goes wild . The man in the fedora who saunters into the arena is definitely the crowd favorite. As the theme song fades, both contestants eye each other from across the ring. Directly in front of them on a raised up ten foot are : a bat with nails in it, a garbage can lid…and a whip.

The two wait for the sound of the buzzer. The crowd so silent now you could hear a pin drop. Plissken clears his throat. He’s indicating something to Dr. Jones. Indy doesn’t quite get what he’s doing. Snake mutters:

SNAKE: the card…the CARD Read the… READ THE CARD I GAVE YOU!

JONES: Huh? Oh…uh (Pulls a small notecard from his upper pocket and reads aloud) Ummm SNAKE PLISSKEN. I THOUGHT YOU WERE DEAD.

SNAKE: I get that a lot.

JONES: Of course you get that a lot, you go around telling people to say it, Plissken

SNAKE: Call me Snake…

JONES: I’d rather not, if it’s all the same to you…

The Buzzer sounds…it’s on!

Welcome back to Smackdown, boys and girls. This is going to be a lot trickier than the superhero smackdowns…a lack of superpowers to define the shape of the battle evens the playing field a lot. It’s almost anybody’s game…it all comes down to how you justify your favourite.

Let’s take a look at our competitors for a moment. Snake is a war hero, a soldier, highly skilled in hand to hand, not above cheating to get the job done, kills with no compunction, and has experience in arena style fighting. Indy is a brawler with a wicked right hook, (That makes a sound on impact that brings back so many happy childhood memories) has the smarts, thinks fast on his feet and is tenacious as all hell. On paper, I think you’d have to say the advantage goes to Snake.

Plissken is faster, meaner, and less likely to blink at killing a guy.

HOWEVER

When has Indiana Jones EVER been in a fight when HE has the advantage? How many times is he getting his ass kicked only to come back and beat his nemesis by taking full advantage of his environment?

I think the key for Jones is to get the whip. Snake wants the weapons too, but I think he’s smart enough to go after Jones first, knock him down, or out, and then stroll over and get the weapons (Something that I think is very much Snake’s style) Here’s the thing though…Jones ain’t going down. Knock him down, he gets right back up and in your face again.

So let’s say for the sake of argument that Snake gets to the weapons first. I believe in this situation, he probably would. I believe he would make a TACTICAL ERROR here that will eventually cost him the fight. And what is that error?

He’ll go for the bat.

There is no evidence that Snake knows how to use the whip, it’s a highly specialized weapon that takes years to master. Sure he could take it just to try and keep it away from Indy, but I think he’s aggressive enough that he just wants to end it quickly by sinking some nails into that big old college professor brain.

Indy, thinking fast would probably grab the garbage can lid, and try to hold Plissken off.

Plissken sinks the bat deep into the garbage can lid, wrenching it out of Indy’s hand. Indy is on the ground, crawling away backward, while Snake puts a foot on the lid to free it from the bat. Snake comes in to deliver the death blow and is greeted with…a handful of dirt in his one good eye. Rolling out of the way Indy scrambles over and picks up the whip that’s lying on the ground, but it’s too late. Indy has the whip, and uses it to take the eye out of commission permanently.

The punches crack like thunder, the crowd cheering like mad as Indy tosses Snake down a ventilation shaft and into the fan below.

“I hate snakes” he mutters, limping toward the exit.

Winner: Indiana Jones

Admin_Rock

If this smackdown battle took place between Kurt Russell and Harrison Ford today, we’d have a 60 year old Kurt going up against a 69 year old Harrison Ford. All this to say that, man, our action heroes are old.

But instead, we have Snake Plissken, a scoundrelly convict with a screw you, I got mine attitude versus an archeologist with a penchant for getting in the middle of things much bigger than him. Snake is deadshot, with lots of anger, and not afraid to mix it up close. Indy is also pretty good with a gun, and while often afraid, has a knack for coming out on top. Both have been in movie franchises that started strong, and got progressively worse with each new edition.

Horn goes, Snake begins sprinting towards the weapons pole. Indy looks around, realizes what the horn means, see Snake with an advantage, and starts running himself. Snake reaches the pole first, leaping to grab the top of the pole, and begins hoisting himself up. Indy gets to the pole, and grabs Snake’s leg, trying to prevent him from pulling up to the weapons. Snake looks down, scowls, and plants a boot in Indy’s face. Indy lets out a grunt, looks wide eyed, but doesn’t let go. Snake kicks again, and a third time. On the third, Indy grabs the foot, and begins pulling Snake down. Snake has managed to grab Indy’s revolver from the top of the post before falling back, and as he lands, he points the revolver straight at Indy.

Snake fires, missing Indy’s head by a fraction of an inch, taking the Ferdora off Indy’s head. Indy looks, realizes how close it was, then returns his attention to snake, whom he punches in the face. Snake grimaces more, and points the gun again. Indy grabs for the gun too, and they wrestle, neither able to gain advantage. Finally, Snake is able to get on top of Indy, and slowly forces (damn this is hard to write without sounding a little homoerotic) the gun towards Indy’s face. Indy, desperate for any out, looks up and grabs Snake’s eyepatch, pulling it from his face. Snake is surprised, moreso when Indy plants him thumb in there. Snake pulls his hands to his face like someone stung by a wasp in the eye. Indy punches Snake again, and unable to find the gun in the confusion and dirt, rolls away from Snake.

Snake looks up, his grimace turning to anger, then back to a grimace (now I want McDonald’s for some reason). He looks over at the weapons post, and sees his own gun, a Coreburner, and runs over, climbs the post again. He pulls himself atop the platform, grabs the gun, turns to Indy with a grimace on his face. He sees Indy standing there, revolver in hand. Indy shoots him twice, and Snake’s body falls the ten feet to the ground.

Indy brushes the dust off his shirt, and staggers toward the exit. Camera cuts to a fedora, lying in the dust, as Indy’s hand reaches in to pick it up. With the sun setting behind him, he puts the fedora on, and continues walking away

WINNER: Indiana Jones

RobbieRobTown

I remember Snake Plisken best from SCTV as “Harry, the man with a snake on his face” from Harry’s Discount Sex Shop.  I know John Candy was beloved, but he just isn’t an action hero. It’s really going to come down to that.  I just don’t see Uncle Buck having the energy to defeat Indiana Jones. The energy to microwave socks? Sure.

Now, I know Indy hates snakes, or shakes? Is it shakes? I’ve seen so many shot-for-shot “tribute” versions of Raiders that I honestly can’t remember which thing he hates. Anyway, he lifts the bag of boulders off the snakes, and then he has to run away from the plane, and he falls in a crevasse, and Lando is all like “Throw me the rope!” and Indy is all like “I’ll never join you!”.

One of the most heartbreaking scenes in Indy’s story is when he has to send his sister Kit to play for a different team in the Women’s baseball league. It turns out that the nazis wouldn’t let the women’s baseball league exist after the war (“No ticket!”), and that made Geena Davis sad. Wait, am I watching “A League of Their Own”? Why did Rosie O’Donnell eat Madonna? Uh oh, somebody’s husband died.  Now the girls are going to have a terrible game.  Thank god Indy is made of Lego , and he is therefore resilient.

In the ring, I see it going like this: What the fuck, is Bill Pullman in A League of Their Own too?  Why am I watching this? Where are my testicles? Anyway, so, Snake Plisken runs for a gun, and Indy does what? He runs away, you guys. He would run away from the danger. That’s what Indy does. We like him because he is vulnerable and kind of cowardly and sort of lucky, and that’s great. Snake Plisken is, on the other hand, a stone cold killing machine. He could kill you with that grimace. ie:

Anybody: Oh, hey Snake.

Snake Plisken: (Grimaces)

Anybody: I just puked my balls out my eyes! (dies)

Bahahaha, there is an ad about gout on TV. What a douchey illness. Eat an apple, you gouty chumps.

Seriously, Indiana Jones is a better developed character with more quirks and humanity, and this is why Snake Plisken would eat him for breakfast, and then floss him out of his grimace. All we ever see of Snake is him being a relentless killer. I said it, and I stand by it. You don’t know where I live, and you know no women know where I live, I can say what I feel!

“But wait!”, you say. “Indy is smarter! He’s a professor- of Lego!”

“Be that as it may,” I say, “We have to assume Snake is smart because we have never seen him fail a written test on screen.”

“What?” You say. “Not only does Indy never take a written test on screen either, but you could use that argument to phone in any smackdown from here on out with any underwritten automaton!”

“Bingo!” I say!

Winner: Snake “Benefit of the Doubt” Plisken

Loser Lawrence “Makes ‘em too interesting” Kasdan

So Indy moves on to the next round, and we’ll have to wait and see whom he’s paired up with. Join us next week for another exciting installment of Action Smackdown!!!!!

Oh and argument, abuse, and the occasional backhanded compliment below.

15 Responses to “Action Hero Smackdown: Indiana Jones versus Snake Plissken”

1. Tbinns says:

   September 16, 2011 at 6:16 pm

   Dear Robbie Robtown. I have had gout. I therefore heartily endorse any abuse SPC Mike is about to hurl your way

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2. deepfriedcheese says:

   September 16, 2011 at 6:49 pm

   OK, I’m convinced. If you can’t even decide on what the signature weapon of Indiana Jones is, there is no way you could have a predetermined outcome for this smackdown.

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3. TPiper says:

   September 16, 2011 at 7:03 pm

   Damn you Correctness! I burnt my perogies reading/enjoying this. I hope you’re happy.

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4. Homer says:

   September 16, 2011 at 7:49 pm

   Hey Robbie, we get it. You like to throw in an obscure reference or 5,000 into each decision. How bout next time you throw in a bit of humor or relative facts. Ya know, make an effort at least. I’m glad someone else noticed that team correctness basically gave their preset rules a big middle finger in this battle. Guns? Really?
   Winner-The Correctness, for managing to waste untold amounts of our time in reading round 1. Losers- The blog reading populous
   Lets all try a bit harder in round two boys.

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   • admin_rock says:

     September 16, 2011 at 9:59 pm

     @Homer, Not sure what you meant about giving the rules the finger. We didn’t outlaw guns in any way. Can’t do a decent Action Hero Smackdown without them.

     This is what they say

     “We realized quickly that the guy with the gun as an advantage over the guy without one (see Raiders of the Lost Ark). So the fight will be as such: Arena battle as usual. Contestants are made aware of one another 48 hours prior to fight. If a character is known for a weapon (sword, whip, phaser, .44 Magnum), that weapon will be made available in the fight, at the top of a 10 foot 4×4 in the center of the arena. This gives the H2H guys a small advantage early, which should be balanced quickly. ”

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5. Homer says:

   September 16, 2011 at 10:18 pm

   “Directly in front of them on a raised up ten foot are : a bat with nails in it, a garbage can lid…and a whip.”

   I guess I was foolish in thinking that you were all three using the same weapons. I’m surprised that Robbie did not choose a still spinning airplane propeller for Indy.

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   • admin_rock says:

     September 17, 2011 at 1:13 am

     @Homer, Ah, I see the issue. See, we don’t read each other’s entries in advance. More fair that way. So the stuff in TBinns entry would be for his entry only.

     Though, having said that, we’ll add the weapon list to the article header next week so that everyone is playing on the same page. In my world, Snake has his Coreburner, and Indy has a revolver and his whip.

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     • Homer says:

       September 17, 2011 at 4:03 pm

       @admin_rock,
       Thanks, I am adequately mollified. I am sorry I over reacted. Lets never fight again, ok? Especially not in front of the children.

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6. spcMike says:

   September 19, 2011 at 3:32 pm

   Sorry for getting here so late, had kind of a busy weekend.

   Anyways, I see our inevitable Han vs Indy finals is under way. Are you going to tell me that the man who escaped not only New York, but also LA is going to fall victim to a college professor? I know those professors are tough, but i pretty sure if you can go up against Isaac Hayes you can take down a guy whose main fighting style can only be described as Monty Pythonesque running away.

   And I can’t believe that I am in agreement with RRT on this.

   Ok, that’s out of the way. Am I correct in guessing that it was in fact RRT who was late in delivering his fight submission? I bet it was. I bet he was sitting at some crappy canadian sushi joint ordering Philadelphia roll after Philadelphia roll just so he could talk to some redhead sushi waitress who only wants to finish her shift so she can run away from the scary guy in hipster glasses.

   Let me ask you this, Mr. RobTown, why don’t you give up this attempt at a career in entertaining people through comedy. It obviously isn’t working out too well for you. I mean surely there must be something that you could do that would put your skill set to good use. Maybe working a glory hole at some backwoods Saskatoonian truck stop.

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   • Tbinns says:

     September 19, 2011 at 4:32 pm

     @spcMike, Gout avenged.

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   • Homer says:

     September 19, 2011 at 6:58 pm

     @spcMike,
     I talked to my boss at the truck stop, he said we are hiring for the weekend shift. Good thing as my jaw is tired from all this overtime.

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7. Matthew M says:

   September 21, 2011 at 1:30 pm

   Let me know when it’s Indy vs Solo….

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   • spcMike says:

     September 21, 2011 at 2:26 pm

     @Matthew M, Wait for the final round. The fix is in.

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     • admin_rock says:

       September 21, 2011 at 9:12 pm

       @spcMike, I can’t speak for the other two, but I’ve made no secret of the fact that I think Han Solo is a pussy. If this was “Pilot Smackdown”, he’d stand a good chance, but seriously, the guy spent much of his time getting captured. He’s the Cleveland Browns of this bracket. No fix, no planning ahead, just some good old smackky.

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       • Tbinns says:

         September 21, 2011 at 11:02 pm

         @admin_rock, I THOUGHT I TOLD YOU TO STOP SAYING THAT!!!

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