This week, The Man With No Name takes on Han Solo! Western vs Star guys.
May I indulge in a not at all relevant tangent for just a moment?
I think the show New Girl should do a cross over episode with Two Broke Girls to become Two Broke New Girls. And of course by “Cross over episode” I mean Kat Dennings and Zooey Deschanel should make out.
Sweeps week. Make it happen.
May I indulge in a barely relevant tangent for just a moment?
There is a reason why I have always preferred Han Solo to Luke Skywalker…I mean apart from the obvious, he’s way cooler, less whiny, etc.
Luke Skywalker is a dick. That’s right, a dick, I said it I stand by it. Who else but a dick would shrug off the death of the people who raised him like it was nothing, even after watching their skeletal remains smoulder. He turns his head away, for like half a second…”OK! Grieving period over. Bye people who raised me. That’s what you get for not letting me go to Toshi station.” That is some cold, cold shit Skywalker. Oh, but of course losing the Old weird guy who he JUST started hanging around with is a big deal. Not enough of a big deal to actually LISTEN to the guy when he speaks to him from the great beyond and tells him NOT TO GO FACE DARTH VADER, but enough to feel sorry for himself.
You are a huge dick, Luke.
Anyway Solo versus He Who Will Hereafter Simply Be Referred To As “The Man”
Maybe I’m way off base here but I can totally see a scenario wherein the two actually agree to LET each other get to the weapons each one taking their own, going to their respective sides and turning it into a good old fashioned cowboy quick draw. I think Solo is cocky enough to take The Man up on that, and I think The Man is smart enough to suggest it.
I say smart because on the count of three …Solo is dead.
1. Because NO ONE beats The Man in a quick draw scenario. NO ONE not even Solo. And…
2. Because Han does not shoot first. Not anymore. Are you happy now, George Lucas? Han Solo is dead and it’s YOUR FAULT!!!
And the more I think about other scenarios the more it comes up in The Man’s favour. Suppose they don’t have their gentleman’s agreement? Solo is useless in a hand to hand situation. He only tried it once and screwed up, allowing two Biker Scouts to get away. The Double cross, Han agrees to the weapon exchange and then shoots the man? ? If the Man knows anything, he knows to ALWAYS be on the look out for the double cross.
Nope. I love me some Han Solo, but that does not mean he can beat The Man with No Name
Winner: The Man with No Name
Loser: Luke Skywalker. Seriously, fuck that guy.
Tricky one for me. Haven’t seen any of the movies with The Man With No Name. Westerns generally don’t do it for me. There’s a few I’ve seen and enjoyed, but generally, I don’t care for them. Something about the genre maybe, not sure. Didn’t stick with Deadwood, though lots of people rave about it. I just find them a bit, well, dull. Firefly was great, but I think that had more to do with the space element, and some great writing.
I know Han Solo though. Most overrated hero ever. He can fly a ship, i’ll give him that. But he’s lousy in a gunfight. And that’s what we have here. A purportedly expert gunfighter against a pilot who is okay at best as shooting a gun.
As I’ve mentioned before here, I’m kinda done with Star Wars for a while. I think I’ve seen it enough. I love arguing about it, so it’s not like I’ve stopped recognizing it, etc, but I’m not worshiping at the altar anymore. So I’m not looking at Solo through the eyes of an impressionable six year old. And when you remove those glasses, he’s…not that great.
Winner: The Man With No Name
Okay, I always had to play Luke Skywalker when we would play “Star Wars” in our neighbourhood, because everyone else wanted to be Han. Allow me to explain the rules of “Star Wars”. Star Wars is a wide game, not unlike Hide and Seek, Kick the Can, or Capture the flag, except instead of rules and goals you play a character and then run around and announce your intentions. Come to think of it, my friends and I may have invented LARPing, except we were 5 years old, so we were free from the guilt associated with any of this.
Oh, and Lesley, it wasn’t a wedding at the end of Star Wars. It was A medal ceremony. Do you hear me Lesley? Luke and Leia do not get married… Unless she is marrying all of them? That’s just gross girl-boy stuff, man. What kind of chick wants 3 husbands, one of whom is a wookie? Yes, I know, the answer is: A girl I should probably call in my adult years…
Anyway, I didn’t get that Han was cooler when I was young. Luke was magical, and what’s up with Han? Nothing. he runs and shoots stuff. Hello! NO FORCE. What makes that guy special? Nothing.
When I finally saw Return of the Jedi in a theatre, I warmed up to Han, but by then I already had my role as Luke assigned.
The Man with No Name I remember best as being Doc Brown’s befuddled assistant from the eighties, and he smokes a cigar and throws some pie plates, and then he wears sneakers in an old west bar. Also, his mom was hot.
Both of these guys would cheat the rules and mess with the system. Both of these guys would rather not be here. Both of these guys would assassinate Darth Vader.
Oh, and I’m sure Admin-Rock has already mentioned this, but as he so rightly pointed out to me the other day, it is NOT that Han shot first, it is more that Greedo NEVER SHOT AT ALL.
The dialogue here is entirely dependent on who has written the script. Can we pretend it is Lawrence Kasdan?
Han: Something kind of witty, but not too much.
Han: Something Cocky.
And then Han shoots first, or more correctly, The Man With No Name never shot.
And even if he did shoot, would a blaster melt a bullet in the air? This journalist says: Maybe.
Loser: Biff Tannen
Winner: The Man With No Name
So RobbieRobTown’s childhood loses out to the much more distant and crusty childhoods of TBinns and Admin_Rock. The Man with no Name steals a win, and you hurl abuse at us!