Not too long ago, Dear Reader, I sent a detailed information package to the Discovery Channel about my idea for a new series. It was rejected. I have posted the emails between Discovery and myself below, so you may decide for yourself how bad my idea was.

ACTION SMACKDOWN!

It’s Finals Day, and everyone is excited and eager!!!! No more delays, time for Dr Jones and James Bond to get it on.Two men enter, one man leaves.

A Very Justice Leaguey Christmas!

By RobbieRobTown and TBinns

It was the morning of December 24th, high above the earth on the Justice League satellite. Actually, it might technically have been December 23rd in some places – these things are tricky when you are in orbit. Business was winding down for the holiday season, and despite news that well-trained, radioactive weasels had burrowed into Lucas “Snapper” Carr’s anus and eaten him alive from the inside out, things had been quiet.

1:

Dear Kellogg’s:

You are no doubt aware that you are the manufacturer of Frosted Flakes. If you are not aware of this fact, you should be.  I am going to presume you are, indeed, aware. Of this fact.  You guys make Frosted Flakes.  Your “Frosted Flakes”, which are puffed corn of some variety or another, have the unlikely mascot of an anthropomorphic tiger, who wears a scarf for some reason. This he does, and I can only surmise, because Tony is a gang member, or possibly a barnstormer.

A Terse, Disappointed Review of DC’s new Green Arrow #1

This week, RobieRobTown takes on yet another of the New 52 in the DC Universe! What will he say? Find out below!

ACTION SMACKDOWN!

This week: James T Kirk vs. Jason Bourne and his whole identity! It’s a match made in Space Hell, where malevolent gaseous beings push you, the reader, around for 2000 words, and that’s just the comments section!

ACTION SMACKDOWN!

This week: Mad Max of, uh, those Mad Max movies vs Han Solo, recurring peripheral character in the Sit Com known as Star Wars

The rules are simple, and can be found HERE.

Jim:

A while back here on my comedy website thing, which is highly regarded by my mom, I invited Emma Stone to enter the “Win a Date with RobbieRobTown” contest. She did not enter then, nor has she submitted an entry since I reopened the contest earlier this summer.  To be fair, Emma Stone hasn’t the foggiest idea who I am, or if I am charming, homicidal, or both. So, to preface this letter without any further speculation, I am not writing this to tell you to keep your mitts offa my lady, as such a statement would be untrue, sexist, and incalculably fucktarded.

Dear Correctness Readers:

Since the addition of our new intern, Smunchy, or whatever his name is, I have been soft pitching him awesome ideas for your comedic enjoyment. Like, underhand soft-pitching. “Hey, Krunkles”, I have been saying about the office, “here are some amazing ideas to base an article around. All you have to do is stir and enjoy!”

“I’ll get right on it!” Blumpie would say.

Here is a list of ideas that Ringo has totally neglected to turn into articles for you people.

1. Mumford Cuthbert’s Comfort Cupboard

It’s a mattress store. The proprietor is named Mumford Cuthbert. It sounds a bit like “comfort”. The tagline for the hilarious advertising is “It’s Mumcomfortable!”. How the fuck is this not funny, Benji? Are you too busy having your sexual sex with your female human girlfriend to write this script? Disappointing.

2. A Case for: Covington Cross

Holy Shitsnacks! Is that Covington Cross?

The Ungiving Tree

Once there was a tree and she knew a little boy.
She was okay with him-

I’m out for a walk!
What a perfect night for this.
Lilac in the air.

Oh, shit. Goddamn it.
A truck mounts the curb. Assholes!
Easy to spot them.

Seatbelts unbuckling.
They check for cops and see none.
This looks bad for me.

Truck with a Hemi
That is a big engine, boys.
compensating for…?

Dear Writers of the Green Lantern Movie who I am too lazy to IMDB:

Some of our regular readers here at The Correctness know I am not an expert on all things Green Lantern. I made a whimsical comment at one point about Hal Jordan getting his powers from being bitten by a radioactive lantern, and a few nerds took offense and sent death threats. As a consequence of my ignorant and insensitive comment, I was shipped away by my fellow contributors at The Correctness to Green Lantern boot camp. I read “Secret Origins”, “Rebirth” and “Sinestro Corps War”. I even got started on “Blackest Night”, which I have had the courtesy not to confuse with the “Dark Knight” which is a different thing in your DC universe entirely. The Dark Knight was the guy who got bitten by the radioactive bat, whereas I am now aware that Hal Jordan’s powers are generated by an immense night-light on the planet Oprah. All sorted.

Having learned so much about the Green Lantern(s), I must say I was shocked when your film strayed so far from the origin story I was familiar with. I was agape (agape? a grape?) – I was a grape in the audience at my local multiplex when the story onscreen was so wildly different that I almost thought I was in the wrong theatre!

Dearest Readers:

It was a wild time at The Correcteness panel at the Calgary Comic Expo! Literally dozens (Dozen. Half dozen. Four.) of our regular readers showed up for vote for their favourite heroes in an epicesque battle to the deathish! Not only that, but the Calgary Con saw the sudden and triumphant re-opening of  the “win a Date with RobbieRobTown” contest, at the behest of Summer Glau (who I am sure was dropping me a specific hint in an audience of 5000 people).

There were 7 contenders in the Smackdown this year, and the audience voted in a favourite hero as well. Before I go on to list who was in the battle this year, may I just say that if you give the audience a choice on who is in the Smackdown, they will make obscure, irrational choices to spite me.

Oh, hello Correctness Readers. I didn’t see you there. I literally didn’t, because I wrote this in the past, from your point of view as the reader, and you are not at the moment wherever you are right now when you will read this, or more clearly, when you are currently reading this, ie: you are reading this now, but not then (your past) when I wrote it, so I couldn’t see you there because of the linear passage of time.

Good news Correctness Fans!

While our American friends are busy watching the same 45 seconds of footage of a bloody mattress in Pakistan tonight, I am dedicating myself to bring you live Canadian election coverage. I’m ready, I bought a bunch of snacks n’ shit. You can get all of your news right here at the TheCorrectness.com. I assure you, great pains will be taken to be as accurate as I always am. I am legendarily accurate. Lots of people know me as the accurate source of the Green Lantern origin story, and now you can all get to know me as a trusted news source. A lot of you followed my gripping updates on Valentine’s Day, and I can only hope to keep you just as engaged as I did then…

Dear Zoosk:

This is your current advertisement. I hate it. I do not hate wantonly, but I freely and unabashedly hate this ad. It makes me want to jab pencils in each ear so that the last sound I hear is the sound of HB graphite in stereo. It makes me want to give myself a new optical prescription by scraping a potato peeler against my corneas. It makes me want to swallow one hundred “Do Not Eat” silica desiccant packets so that my last bowel movement will violently rocket a dusty puff made of my intestines and what’s left of my soul into the sewer. Let me tell you what is wrong with this ad.

0:00 : Here are 4 attractive women in a coffee shop. They are there, I assume by the sunlight, around mid day? Let me start again: Here are 4 attractive unemployed women. You can tell they are unemployed because they are dressed casually, they all appear to have nothing better to do, and one of them is sitting on the floor for some reason.

Dearest Correctness Peeps:

There have been some mixed reviews for Sucker Punch, and I would like to do what we do best here and tell the negative reviewers why they are so very, very wrong. So very wrong. I saw Sucker Punch recently (in IMAX, where it was delightfully large, and verging on too loud…) and I can assure you that it rocked my socks so so hard my socks became molecularly unstable and evaporated out of my shoes. That’s some serious sock rock.  I don’t know much about Brownian motion, but i order for my socks to be rocked completely off some serious energy would have to have been harnessed, and then directed at my socks. I’m going to try and do this without spoilers, and just encourage y’all to get out of your basements and go see this film on the big screen before it disappears. Is this one of those positive reviews that I get paid for? AHAHAHAHAH, no, I just sincerely think people are missing some really impressive details in this film. I really liked it.

Dearest Correctness Readers:

Due to recent concerns about certain members of our writing team and their certain problem with a certain kick-ass wizard, it behooves us, nay, it behooves ME, your faithful master of the undercard, to write a fair fight for a maligned magician.

Today’s undercard pits two white bearded old men against each other in a battle to the death for the love of humanity. In this corner, over by your start button, (or for those of you more civilized, over by your finder icon in your dock) is Gandalf The Grey/White, Wizard King of the Lollipop Guild and whatnot! In this corner (if I understand the placement of competitors in wrestling or boxing correctly, and therefore somewhere over by your search window, or by a post-it note of who to call when your Dell crashes), is Santa Claus, Jolly Fat Greed Bringer!

Let’s meet our two warriors and see who truly is the beardiest battler!

Hello Correctoids.

As you know, I maintain my own twitter feed, @RobbieRobTown, on which I occasionally tweet thoughts of tremendous importance. However, one such incident resulted in an inexplicable hack of my account… I think… Allow me to explain.

I tweeted the following:

“In Green Lantern Rebirth, they chase Parallelogram back into that big lantern on Oprah. Does that mean they have to fear The Colour Purple?”

Hello Dear Readers!

Recently the staff here at the correctness saw an act of supreme nerdiness on display, and instead of just sharing it with you, we took it upon ourselves to go one step geekier, we squared off, and took it to irrational ends!

First, we must give props to this nerdgasmic idea: Musician Michael John Blake recently posted a video in celebration of pi day (3/14, every year…). He has taken the number pi, and assigned numerical values to the white keys, starting with Middle C. He also used a tempo which is roughly half of pi, and did some chording…

Read More…

The Square Root of 2 Play Now | Play in Popup

I am a gigantic Radiohead fan. If Thom Yorke pooped in a bucket, I would still throw it on the ol’ turntable to hear his experimental smell-sounds. That said, I am a pop musician, and I have all the respect in the world for artists who make me smile and sing along. So, here we go,  a track by track review of the new Radiohead album, which I spent assloads of money on, and will be delivered to me on vinyl in, like, 90 years. I’m listening to the WAV files, so I know for sure I’m hearing every detail intended by the boys. You can play the album at home and read my thoughts track by track if you like.

Who could get tired of Valentine’s day? A “holiday” that you don’t get off work, that is so insidiously well crafted that  to criticize it in the smallest degree is to broadcast your unfitness for pair bonding? Yes, even hipsters hold their tongues, lest they be considered too bitter to remove their ray bans, push aside their ironic PBR empties, and drop their skinny jeans to make painfully sincere love without even stopping to talk about how ironic the whole thing is! Three to seven minutes without rolling their eyes- unless it’s back in their heads…

I’ve decided to gave you guys hourly, and perhaps even more frequent, peek into my ultra romantic sexy life.  You will literally poop cinnamon hearts from the sincere joy I will provide you. I will document my unfathomably saucy Valentine’s day starting now, and close up this shit-window into my shit-apartment life  tomorrow night at midnight. It’s shitacular! It will literally be funner than death, and all that such a grammatical abortion implies. From 5:00 today until midnight tomorrow night, buckle up for the most romantic thing you have ever heard, ever.

Recently, as our regulars know, we went to universities all over North America and asked for essays to be entered into a new contest just for surly teen freshmen. Almost no entries were posted, save only this highly offensive submission from “Billy, Age 18″. We weren’t going to share it, but then…
Please be warned, this inexplicable rant contains NSFW language.

Dear Mission Impossible III:

I was going to ask why it was in that scene in the Vatican the one guy shoots a tracking device out of his camera. I was going to ask why he didn’t just toss it into the central square, or drop it off, and then something occurred to me:

The Correctness on Sports:

Contrary to popular belief, we here at The Correctness are huge sports fans. Because of our unerring expertise, we are frequently bombarded with sports related questions. How does one pole vault one’s shotput? Is Hachidan Kiritsu illegal in Anbo Jitsu, just as Will Riker claims it is? What are the consequences of a ground rule double in quidditch?

By the time Scroaty had reached his forties, he had settled into a grim routine. Having finally abandoned a tedious and wholly unsuccessful search for self-redefinition, the kind of search that a person can only attempt in his thirties if he has no family or greater sense of purpose, he had become a woodcutter.

Dear Musicians:

Please stop pretending to understand economics, real jobs, or what a cubicle is like.

Allow me to explain: I’m a musician too. I completely understand where you are coming from. Your socialist views, your bohemian Taoist life choices, your vegan diets. Being an artist full time requires a weird dedication to your craft that sets you apart from other musical hobbyists. Sometimes you have an idea at 3:00 in the morning, and you simply must wake up and record it. Sometimes you practice a new chord you “invented” until your fingers bleed, just because you don’t have callouses in those exact fingering positions. Sometimes you are forced to turn down a teenaged groupie because your only groupies are teenaged, and you realize they are only into you because you rent a bachelor apartment and own a leather jacket that you claim to wear ironically due to your veganism. Then you write a song for the teenaged groupie anyway, which you perform to her on your would-be-ironic second hand chesterfield which you retrieved in your buddy’s truck from Value Village, or possibly the Salvation Army Goodwill store. You work at night, and you can’t get up early because of it. Can’t even make it out to busk at lunch, can you?

I arrived a Lord Vader’s Beverly Hills mansion. LIke most of the homes in the area, Vaderland was a product of years of renovations, and the most recent changes were still in progress.“I’m sorry about the state of the place,” he said as he strode out to meet me from the grand entryway. “I’m using the same contractors as we used on the Death Star, and they tend to run behind schedule.”

Some of our regular readers know that I am a student teacher, and as such I am surrounded by children who have no idea how offensive or hilarious they are. An example:

Kid: I like your toque, Mr. M! Where did you get it?

Me: Thanks, my mom gave it to me.

Kid: What? I thought your mom was dead!

Me: Not to the best of my knowledge.

A friend of mine recently suggested that in order to get my long departed groove back, I should try writing erotic fiction. I tried, kind of, then gave up, but this got me thinking: What the hell kind of thing is arousing anyway? What qualifies as a fantasy? The results of my bold new genre of erotic fantasies are below. Spoiler: Some of these stories are so arousing, there isn’t any sex in them at all.

1.

He paused the DVD, and rose from the couch.
“Are you getting up to make a sandwich?” she asked, coyly.
“Yes, I am,” he replied.
“Then let me be direct. Instead of eating a portion of your sandwich when you bring it over here, leaving us both unsatisfied, I would like for you to prepare two separate sandwiches, and I will eat one of them,” she said.
Tears of joy trickled down his face, and when he returned, he brought two more sodas as well.

She stood in the kitchen, looking out across the expanse of the distant jungle valley as the sun rose. Untold millions of dew drops reflected the red glow of a dawn. Time stopped, and ever so slowly, all of her pain, her hatred, her failures began to evaporate just as the mist in the valley floor did. Through the panoramic windows of her incalculably expensive tropical mountain escape, the light from the sun was reaching her, it felt today, for the first time. Today, there was finally purpose, a reason to go on. For the first time in a decade, she awoke to hope. Hope, a feeling she had come to distrust. Had it not been hope that broken her heart? Had it not been hope that had led her to wait for love to seek her out, and not the other way around?

Time for some Superteam Smackdown, live from the The Correctness’s new Herodome, located in sunny downtown Newville. The tailgates are up, the beer is cold, the snacks are carby, it’s time for some smackdown! We have 8 classic superhero teams fighting it out to see who can claim the title.

This week it’s the X-Men versus the League of Extraordinary Gentlemen! Same but different! Old versus new but written old!

Meme this, suckers! It’s Batman vs. Bacon!

Batman! Scourge of Gotham’s criminals! Batman! Brilliant single-minded vigilante! Batman! Nananananananana, etc! Nothing is more powerful than The Dark Knight! Except for Bacon, you mouth-breathing primitives. BACON!

Hello Fair Readers.

You know, my old name (which is not RobbieRobTown in real life, but actually Rob) is getting kind of boring. So, I thought I’d get myself a new name! I’d like a name that makes me seem super cool, like an actor, or a space dinosaur. I know what you are going to say. You are going to say “Hey, RobbieRobTown, you are an actor, and there is no such thing as space dinosaurs.”. You are wrong. I am an improvisor. Here is a list of suggestions, and some of the rationale for them.

Dear Non-White-Male correctness reader:

You know, we were having a conversation the other day at The Correctness. A grown up, political conversation about how infuriatingly hard it is to insult white males, because, as the entitled culture of authority and power, nothing really hurts our feelings that much. You can call me a cracker, or greymeat, or gringo, or whatever, but it just doesn’t sting like our bleachy-white and bleachy-caustic lexicon of slurs we have for you folks. At the end of the day, we still have all that annoying capital, and equity, and those reassuring smug savings plans, and reusable grocery bags made of organic cotton that required ten times as much water to grow than pesticidey cotton. We’re a hard target!

Dear Supposed RobbieRobTown Fan club:

Some time ago, TBinns became convinced there was a vast, sexy conspiracy surrounding me. As a consequence of his delusion about my “fan club”, TBinns suggested we hold a contest to win a Dream Date with yours truly.

Here are some contest Fun Facts:

Total number of entries: 2.

Total qualifying entries based on rules: 0

Number of times Emma Stone, who I specifically invited to enter the contest, entered the contest: 0

TBinns is a dear friend, and certainly must not have intended to prove how immensely and universally disinteresting I am to women, gay men, and the complexly transgendered.

Read More…

So, I was driving into my parking spot at my condo in my old car, a shabby Cavalier dubbed by my friend Marc to be “Lady Cavalieria”. Its real name was “American Shitbox Moneypit of Shit”. My used Honda Accord would be embarrassed of my old car.
My parking space has a concrete barrier wall, about 2 feet high on the North and East corners. It also has all the cigarette butts. It is perfect for sitting on, littering near, sitting on litter, etc.

Good news, Correctness readers! We have managed to find an excerpt for the script for part 3 of the Dark Betty Saga: Crisis in Infinite Riverdales, due for Christmas. We had a 45 minute argument in our office about who wrote this script- the names have been surreptitiously removed from the document. What do you guys think? Morrison? Miller? Moore? Dave thought Claremont, at this point, given the X-Men forever storyline, I tend to agree. Possible spoiler alert: It looks like this series will bring the Dark Betty story cycle to its conclusion.

…The internet is no place for advertising. It is an immense public forum that runs on goodwill and charitable government servers, and rainbow kisses. I would be immensely, immensely disturbed if anyone were to mention that RobbieRobTown has a musical going up at the Edmonton Fringe Festival. Why would you bother to tell me that he has written all the music, or that he is starring in the show? That sort of corporate pandering is deplorable, gentlemen. We have all had enough quirky puppet musicals with banjos. The Muppets got there first, and Jim Henson controls the copyright to all things fabric with banjos…

“One Mississippi, two Mississippi, three Mississippi, four Mississippi.”

Arnold counted again, carefully, one every second.

Dear Correctness Readers:

A lot of people ask us how we here at The Correctness can generate so much fresh content, ensuring that so much of our written effort is largely ignored by the people we hope read our articles, like Henry Kissinger or Emma Stone. “How can you generate so much fresh, funny content?” those people ask us, redundantly, “That could be enjoyed by Henry Kissinger for example, or Emma Stone, perhaps?” they continue, reiteratively.

Well, the secret to our success, apart from my stunning good looks, is filler.

The Correctness Guide to Body Disposal:

So, you’ve murdered someone! You’ve had one of those arguments with, for the sake of this article, a smallish pig. Perhaps your pig was treacherous, manipulative or downright cruel. Maybe your pig was abusive. Maybe you and your pig couldn’t sort out who the real father of your piglets was. Maybe your pig was a national security threat, and even if it wasn’t, you’d best start telling yourself that. In any case, things got a little heated, words were spoken, it all got out of hand, and now you have about 160 pounds of pork to dispose of, and right quickly at that. Maybe your pig weighed a bit more or less, but he or she had it coming.

At 22 years old, Emily was hardly the youngest housewife in West Cloverdale. Indeed, she like so many other attractive young women had carefully played by the rules, attracted themselves a husband, and been swept away to the suburbs.

Though not the youngest, Emily had one thing going for her- one thing, set aside a prizewinning pair of legs from a darker period of her life when she danced naked for beatniks. The “Miss Rack 1958″ contest had been a battle hard won for her- No, what Emily had going for her was that she was smart as a whip.

Hai Correctness Readers!
LOLsies! Some of you guys sure seem to be in a real pickle about my emotional state! Golly wonkers, it sure is nice that you are all so concerned about my lovemeter readings, but I’m as pleased as a fry in a fish hatchery these days, I assure you!
Just in case, I’ve collected a whole bunch of adorable images, and I’ve written some wholesome commentary for each one! Nothing political here, just good old fashioned warm feelings in your tummies.

A basket of puppies! If they were a basket of apples, I’d pick them for a pie- OF KISSES! Delightful.

You have been asking, you have been waiting, you are a fictional construct I am using to build tension. Finally, what “you” wanted is here: Another correctness.com Awesome Undercard event to tide you over until the next full on smackdown series.

In this match-up, it’s every bear for himself- Or, every bear for himself and his or her family, cousins, distant relations, or loosely knit community! And if that wasn’t enough, they are facing off against me, and my unfathomable ennui! That’s right, it’s Care Bears vs. Gummi Bears vs. Berenstain bears, vs. My Increasing Disillusionment.

Dear Emma:

By way of introduction, my name is RobbieRobTown. Okay, actually, my screen name is RobbieRobTown, but my actual name is Handsome McSwashbuckley, or possibly Spacey McDinosaur. You can request my real name at your convenience, I’m just not posting it here, that would just be stupid- I’m a student teacher for God’s sake, so I really don’t want my adorable grade 1 kids next semester looking up my last name on the intertubes and seeing the kinds of things that either A) I say in the name of satire, or B) people say about me in the name of internet anonymity.

Dear Municipal Government:

Thank you for the letter you sent me from the Subdivision and Development Appeal Board. I received your letter regarding a meeting on April 16th. I see the letter is dated April 1st, and you will be glad to know I received it on June 17th.

In any case, despite having missed the meeting which you have scheduled for 2 months ago, I thought that it would be advisable to share my opinion. I will forward this letter to you in 2 months, in deference to the time that your process seems to take. I wouldn’t want to overwhelm you. I like your folksy style.

Dear Correctness Readers:

We get it, you don’t always have time for the full impact of our 3000 word rambles, especially when it’s just a poop joke. Consequently, I have been publishing microfiction via twitter. Here are eleven of them, in no particular order:

1. Predicated entirely on her familiarity with Jane Austen, Eloise married the first male homeowner who stumbled into her punji stick pit.

2. Loneliness consumed him as he looked across the barren, nuclear wasteland and realized he was, almost certainly, the last ventriloquist.

Dear Correctness Readers: Here is a quote from our Provincial Culture Minister Lindsay Blackett who is attending the internationally important Banff Television Festival. “I sit here as a government representative for film and television in the province of Alberta, and I look at what we produce, and if we’re honest with ourselves … I look [...]

List of Demands: Microsoft Office Word 2007 for PC

Dear Microsoft Office Team:

I have used your product for Mac extensively, and it works fine. However, your product for the PC world, which as I understand it, is 95% of your market share, is a deplorable prison rape of a program. It is worse than a searing hot knife up the urethra. Microsoft Office Word 2007 for PC is worse than having a tiger swipe out your eyes, and then piss in your eye sockets, marking your skull as territory with its feline reek. It is worse than eating a bowl of tapioca pudding, only to discover both that it was actually a bowl of silverfish, and that you are made of wool. Your product is worse than being bound naked with duct tape to a steel folding chair, and being forced to pay an exorbitant mandatory admission fee to watch a live gang bang of Glenn Beck, who then, mid blow, starts delivering an angry TED talk about his feelings on something about which he is ill informed, like particle physics, US politics, or reality. It is worse than the Batman and Robin film. I do not enjoy your product.

No further pleasantries. This is a list of demands:

Not every time, not even most times, but today, it was I who farted in the elevator.
I took it down to the lobby, I waited, I farted, I got out, and I laughed as you all rode up to the tenth floor in my lingering stenchcloud of bowelhate. All seven of you, in my deep sea of reek.

Haiku Cycle Requiem for the Indicator Light

The dusty stick on
the left of your steering wheel
is your signal light.

You won’t shoulder check
So signaling is the least,
THE LEAST, you can do.

Click. How hard is that?
Click. There, I did it again.
Click. See how easy?

Recently due to a scheduling snafu, I missed out on an opportunity to give a public reading of the most hateful literature I could find. First, I recommend if you are in the Vancouver area you check out the “Say Wha?” show on June 8th, but in the meantime, I have located the motherload: The immensely compelling world of celebrity tweets, and specifically the genre-defining work of Justin Bieber.

June 15 is “I LIEK CHOCOLATE MILK!” day.

ON JuNe 15th everybOdy on the FUcking planet is going to change their facebook status to say “I LIEK CHOCOLATE MILK!”. because I goddamn said so.

Recently, RobbieRobTown made a grant application to the Canadian Government for new works featuring “Stories of our Heritage”. Rob felt that he should be able to include elements of his favourite themes in a historical context. He was incorrect in that regard. The grant application was rejected summarily.

A Prairie Tale

Cornelia Perseverance Downing threw the door of the outhouse wide, and looked out across a wild and ceaseless prairie. The young barley was just now high enough to be tousled by the same late spring winds which tugged at Cornelia’s skirts. She hastened to readjust her Victorian garb. Green and naked, the barley wore no skirts, and would have laughed at Cornelia’s fussing, had it the voice to do so. “Ha!”, the barley would have said. “Haha to your manifold skirts!”

SWM seeks SF from space. Superheroes and Ninjas also welcome, or anyone who moves like a dancer in a slow motion hail of bullets/lasers. Ideally you are human, but if you are an alien in human form and would be willing to slum it with an earthling that would be good too. Aliens particularly welcome if you were planning an invasion of earth, but fall in love with me because “you never thought you could feel this way before” and prevent the invasion force from destroying my backwater meaningless planet. Perhaps you were confused and aroused by the sensations provided to you by your new carbon based form? Other aliens welcome: Slave women from planets with nebulous/gaseous thought-entity overlords- I will be more than happy to tell you the answer to the eternal question “what is this thing called love?”. Most non-humans from Original Series Star Trek welcome, but aliens from the rest of the Star Trek franchise are almost unanimously ugly.

Monthly Horoscopes For May 2010

Looking for the answers? Well they are here! Vague as ever, yet somehow magically tailored for you and your swollen nuts! The month of May will be tricky for many signs in the Zodiac, because even if you are a girl, you will have swollen nuts. Please enjoy our prognostications, and remember: If you heard it on the internet, it’s probably true.

Dear Dickhole:

All I was trying to do was buy a superhero T Shirt at a comic book convention. Let me recap our conversation for you:

You: (plausibly friendly) Does anyone need a hand with anything?

Me: Yes, actually, I could use a hand. I don’t suppose you have any shirts in a size small?

You: (turning slightly) No Man, we never do, we just never – not at the conventions.

Me: Oh. I see. But you have an online store, is that right?

You: (getting douchey) Yeah, but you’ll never bother me there.

Me: I beg your Pardon?

You: (douchier still) I said you’re never gonna bother me there Man.

Me: I see…

You: (getting your shovel) Yeah, cause in the last 5 years I have had, like, 2 orders for size small stuff.

Me: Look, it’s okay, I’ll move on…

You (digging a trench for the battle): Yeah, and you know what’s wrong with you small people?

Smackdown: AWESOME UNDERCARD 2: Aquaman vs. Robin vs. Goats on Bicycles

Since our much criticized elimination of Robin and Aquaman from our Superhero Smackdown, our fans (okay, one fan) have been calling out in eerie unison: “Bring back Aquaman and Robin!”. You have climbed the steps of Mt. Seleyah, you have smelled the smell of salmon on your hands, you have been, and ever shall be their friend. Well, your prayers have been answered, because as the still unmarried 1/3 of The Correctness, I alone have the time available to pander to our superfans* (*fan). I have been a little busy fellating donkeys to think the really deep thoughts, but we’re not here to talk about what I did to which species, or who saw what and told which ladies, sealing my celibate fate.

Good news everyone! We have excerpts from the 2009 guidebook to Middle Earth!

Staying in the Barrow Downs:

Accommodations:

Accommodations are available, but dusty at best. If your room has a barrow wight, you’ll want to put in a call to Tom Bombadil, his songs are the strongest.

Read More

Dear Linkedin: First off, congratulations, it’s “open Letter” week here at The Correctness. Way to make the rant list! Now then: I understand you are a social networking site of some kind. I understand that such things are important. People need them for things and stuff, and to date businesses and poke plenty of fish. [...]

We here at The Correctness have listened to our fans, and we know we couldn’t design a superhero or supervillain smackdown to please everyone. In fact, we couldn’t design an article to please everyone, and I particularly can’t please anyone with anything for any reason. Mind you, somebody decided to make the film “Extreme Ops”, so I don’t know how any human could be pleased with that either.

Read More…

Dear Local Restaurant/Lounge: I drove past your street sign the other day, its flourescent letters still arranged in their original message- a tantalizing offering to the urban teens with time to spare. How many words contain the necessary letters for “Ass Rods on Your Nuts”, I wonder? In any case, your sign, confoundingly, said the [...]

Recently, the provincial government announced plans to increase university tuitions by 1.5%. I am a Canadian, and in a medium-expensive program so 1.5% of my total annual tuition is $90. Appalled by the government’s fascistic money-grab, Our Student’s Union recommended all of us students take a weekend out of our lives, go away from homework [...]

(Note: This is a repost of the original).

Read More…

Fot the greatest poet of all time, William Carlos Williams.

This is just to say:

I have responded

on facebook

to your note
.

And you hoped,

I assume,

that I replied

Thoughtfully.
.

Forgive me,

I was on

my iPhone,

whilst taking a dump.

Far from being a Hallmark holiday, or relating to the death of some guy by some tigers or something, Valentine’s Day has a noble history.

Deep in the Mines of Moria, during the splendour of the Second Age, The dwarves carved out enough mithril to forge the Soup Tin of Gor Daleth. This Soup Tin, it was said, when soup was pored forth from it, caused an enchantment. The drinker of the soup would be overcome by a warm fuzzy feeling, such that he might feel a compulsion to make a home with a fair maiden, and begin a family.

Read More…

Starting Monday, The Correctness will bring you 7 days of brief posts on how much I hate Valentine’s day.

Look forward to such comments as “Commercialism aside, Valentine’s Day also sucks because love does not exist”.

Zing! Pow! Stay Tuned!

(Note: This is a repost of the original.)

Oh hey guys.

I was just thinking, you know what would be sweet?

How about instead of 5 blades that dull as soon as I glance at them, you concentrate on providing me 1 blade that is sharp? Or, how about instead of a lubricating strip, you provide me one blade that stays sharp? Or how about instead of a special vibrating handle, you manufacture a single blade that stays sharp?

(Note: This is a repost of the original)

Dear Jessica 6:

As the unmarried 1/3 of The Correctness, I am still seeking a Hot Spacewife to get Spacemarried to. I would also approve of a Vampirewife, or a FantasyFictionwife, but I’m mostly looking for a Hot Spacewife. Probably not a superhero wife, they always seem a bit conflicted.

While I know that you are just a character in a movie, and in real life you are Jenny Agutter, and you have had a long career as a respected professional actor, and you are in your fifties (not that 25 years is insurmountable), I would like to leave that aside for a moment.

Here at the Correctness, we are concerned about the recent IKEA ad campaigns, narrated by David Hyde Pierce, in which domestic horrors are narrowly avoided with the thin, calming veneer of Ikea home furnishings. What surprised us even more were some of the rejected scripts.

Read More…

Dear Gibson Guitars:

… have another question for you Gibson: What happened to being able to hear the G string? Did the mid range suddenly go out of fashion? I ask because I sometimes play chords that use the G string- in fact, I’m going to say 90% of the time…

…Look, obviously these artists got some radio play, but they were drowned out by a sea of shit deeper than the Navy’s finest shit-sub could ever fathom.
REO Speedwagon? Hair Metal? What Peter Cetera did to Chicago?
Here’s one for you to remember: Journey’s “Don’t Stop Believin’” Is not a good song. It is popular because it is hilarious. Don’t forget the irony built in to enjoying this song and start just enjoying it as is. It is not a good song. It is ridiculous. You like it because it is ridiculous. You might also like it because you never had to deal with it the first time around. I’m blaming you teens again….

Question 43: When you see your progress bar at the top of an online test for depression, you are too depressed to continue the test. 1. Always 2. Often 3. Typically 4. Frequently 5. Usually

They have an “Ave Maria” but they don’t have an “Ave Bob”. Does that seem right to you?

Costello: Hey, would ya look at that, a terrifying evil robot or something!

Robot: Illogical. does not compute.

Costello: Oh, right. What are you?

You kids today don’t know what it’s really like. When I was young, things were different. We had different stuff that had fewer things on it, and it made more sense and took fewer batteries- or more to the point, no batteries at all, and that means it was WHOLESOME (TM). Yes, we even ate foods that were more wholesome, though actually we were all eating the same 20 commercially distributed things, and no one had heard the word organic, but everyone had heard the word “DDT”, and we used to have games like “Lick the DDT” and “What fits in my anus”, and it was a simpler time.

Here at The Correctness, we sometime find ourselves under pressure to produce comedy without having time to develop it into the knives of hilarity which shatter your glass eyes of sadness.

However, unlike other members of The Correctness who would never share their secret perfumes and delicate underthings of amusement, I, RobbieRobTown, am willing to expose my intimate knowledgepenis of producing the haha with limited time. There is, you must know, a formula- an honest to goodness formula, for producing comedy on the quick!

Dear Shoppers Drug Mart:

I was just about to go out tonight and buy some deodorant and some soothing ass-cream, when I had a small problem. I realized I was unsure which Shoppers Drug Mart store I should go to!

Dear readers:

This rant is a break from the haha, and a chance for an interesting discussion. If you are in the mood for some funnies, why not check out this jem from our back catalogue:

http://www.thecorrectness.com/writing/travel-guide-to-middle-earth/

And now, a serious rant:

The Collapse of Social Science: If there was one in the first place…

Some of you folks know I am back to school, and I have been reintroduced to my old arch-nemesis, social science. Oh, just to clarify, not any one specific social science is my arch nemesis. It’s actually ALL of the social sciences. Group elements of psychology, sociology, social anthropology, communications theory, and to some extent economics. I won’t even attempt to classify philosophy in here.

…“Oh no!” Said a terrified Kimura, “Hiroki has come to battle your DigiGen GI-Force BakuSushiMon, but your HamsterMon is weak from battling the KudoChan Rin Tin GunTulli Force X!”….

continued:

…TPC is going to be defensive with you when you call. The aren’t angry, they are defensive. First, everyone hates them, and they don’t understand why. They don’t understand why everyone hates them because they are retarded. Second, they have had literally weeks of training in the art of the closed ended rhetorical paradigm. Not only are they entirely untrained in the unimaginable possibility that you may have a point, but they are also exclusively trained to respond to questions for which they receive only yes or no answers. Consequently, they have absolutely not the first nutstamp of a clue as to what to do if you ask them questions off the approved list. If you thought the Pope was slow on the progress, the Catholic church looks comparatively responsive (and non-rapey) next to TPC…

LASER SLUTS FROM MARS:

PART VI: THE SEXY WRATH OF THE SPACE TITS UNDERGARMENTS

Juliette set her tea cup down onto the saucer. What had motivated her to use her grandmother’s good china for tea today was beyond simple explanation. Nonetheless, she had been drawn to the good china, and she felt a slight sense of coy scandalousness for having selected it.

Recently, we had one of our fans leave our site for good, because we (okay, I) accidentally offended her. I am very sorry. Since we are down now to only four fans total, I felt I would take a break from the funny and try to do something for the betterment of mankind that you can all appreciate.

What could be more free from controversy and possible offensive content than a delicious recipe? Almost nothing! So here, to provide something safe and comforting for you, is a nostalgic recipe.

Click to Read More….

June 15:
Those cult guys came around again today. I know they are in a cult because of the nametags, photocopied literature, and matching discount suits from Tip Top. I pretended I wasn’t home. I hate those cult guys.

June 16:
Cult guys are back, they knocked, and knocked, and knocked. They must have waited on the porch for twenty minutes. I think they stole my newspaper. I would never be an asshole like those newspaper thieving cult assholes. Do they know I’m home?

Dear Square Enix:

I have a couple questions about Kingdom Hearts.

1. Why in your advertising do you pronounce “385/2 days” “three-eight-five days over two”, when logically it would be “three hundred eighty five over 2 days” or even more logically “192.5 days”?

Dear Reader:

Some of you have been wondering what exactly has been going on with Canadian cable television? What is this argument between the large cable providers and the networks in Canada? Likely you have seen the advertisements with the sincere looking broadcast school graduates doing their best to represent either side of this issue, whilst also gamely trying to disguise the knowledge they surely must have that, because they accepted the work as the spokespeople for said companies, they will never work in Canada again, for either cable or network television.

Basically, what is happening is this:

Canada is a vast nation that is sparsely populated. Really, to comprehend just how vast is difficult, because so many of us live along the US border, anxiously awaiting an invasion because we still have some clean water. This, by the way, is the reason that we are actively using up all the water we can in the oilsands. If you Americans come for our water, and we have already poisoned it all, first point goes to us. We’ll burn the crops all the way to Moscow, this is just preemptive.

Reasons why Jeff Dunham should have a TV show:

(In order of importance)

Hello Readers!

It’s a holiday monday here in Canada, and I thought I’d just explain Canadian Thanksgiving to you if you aren’t from ’round here. Oh, that’s why The Correctness isn’t posting any funny today. Hahaha, yes, that is different from other days. Hahaha, DIE!

Basically, we all had our turkey yesterday. Seasonally, that’s because the harvest is already done, and practically because it gives us all day Monday to recover from that turkey hangover. There are no sales at the mall yet, except for Halloween candy, and Conan The Destroyer is on TV, as per traditional dictate.

How shocked was I when the whole series, after weeks of encouragement, was roundly rejected? Answer: Totes shocked, for truesies. I felt completely manipulated. Here are some samples from the letter written to me by Miley Cyrus’ production team.

“…Completely inappropriate for the target demographic”
“…Zero merchandising potential, and a larger potential for fostering mental illness, but at a bare minimum psychologically destabilizing”
“…An incalculable indemnity nightmare”

continued…

This excerpt from a Lovecraftian “Choose Your Own Adventure” story, unpublished and partially complete, was submitted to The Correctness anonymously.

Arlene Patterson was new to teaching in an inner city school- brand new- but she knew, after her extensive teacher training, that she could reach out to these kids and make a difference. The fact that she was a white, hardline mormon from a middle-class suburban middle-America made no difference in her mind. She knew, right through her very soul, that she was the one who could teach these delinquent kids- the ones the Principle of PS 101 had called “unteachable”, “hopeless” and even “Seriously dangerous, and not at all stereotypically gang members, but actually gang members.”. Arlene knew when “the Man” was talking, and she knew she didn’t have to accept anyone else’s prejudices or “written warnings from the city police force”.

Oh, hey, Dawn Soap.

Um, so I think it’s great you can be used to scrub crude oil off of ducks, and stuff.

Um, but, um, do you need to be used to scrub simulated oil off of real marine animals in your ads?

Dearest Correctness Readers:

Some time ago, I made a comment suggesting that the origin of the Green Lantern involved him being bitten by a radioactive lantern.

Obviously, this is not true. I would like to print this correction.

Even though many of your people have never yet been enticed by the subtle delicacy that is Nerd Love, in time, you will find yourself inexplicably tempted. You will find yourself drawn to nerds like a moth to a plasma stream, or , possibly, a flame. We will draw you in with our intense passion for very specific things, we will draw you in with our charming inability to admit to being wrong about said things, we will draw you in with our extensive collections of things- Come to think of it, I’m not sure what our exact appeal is, but every year more and more non nerdy people find themselves suddenly and inextricably attracted to nerds, and you will need some advice. Oh- even if you didn’t need advice, we are going to give you some advice, rest assured of that if nothing else. Advice will be given, and you can smile quietly to yourself and tell us to go back to our RPGs.
How does one seduce a nerd, you ask yourself? That’s easy. Offer it sex. Did it refuse? It did? In all likelihood, you may have some serious work to do then.

Randolph Holstershire the Third arrived in a coach precisely on time. He stepped out and tipped the driver ten percent to the penny- an amount which he had calculated using the abacus he was so rarely parted from. The abacus had been given to him as a gift by a Chinaman he had kept in his employ whilst he was on sabbatical in the Eastern Lands. Randolph couldn’t recall the name of his servant, but he did recall how best to use the abacus- for tipping. He also recalled a torrid night in Afghanistan, just he and his servant, naked and clinging to each other to create enough body heat to survive a mountain storm. It was that night he’d learned the secrets of the abacus, and more he would rarely say. Calculating a square root by hand takes dextrous fingers and delicate instruction to say the least, but thoughts of this kind were not relevant to his visit to Petticoat Manor.

IN THE BEGINNING, there was The Eighties. And the Eighties were wrong in the eyes of The Lord, and the sinners who worked at American Apparel had been born in the 90′s, and they knew not how wrong they were to dress that way. And they knew not that pulp-porn imagery is creepy, and they knew not of how to work at a real job. The Lord looked upon American Apparel, and he frowned.

1. Yea, and the sky will crack, and fire will rain down, and those wearing retro non-prescription glasses frames from the eighties will be blinded immediately, and they will run in the streets and bleed from their anuses. For Vanity shall be the sin which ends the world. “Glasses are for seeing, not for fashion” sayeth The Lord, and The Lord shall say “Enough with the glasses, especially if you don’t need them. How about I give you all a bleeding anus disease?”. And so it shall be.

I stopped by the woods on a warm summers eve,
By a mending wall drenched in sun.
And deep in my bowels, from odours so foul,
Twas time that I baked a fresh bun.

File under: Awkward Usage, Modern language, “Literally”

Hello, Modern Language Users:

Um, hey, gosh guys, I’m not sure how to put this. You know when you say things like “That was literally the biggest meal ever”, or “That was literally off the hizzy”? You know what I’m talking about? Yeah, about that…

Yeah, um, I’m no Grammar Nazi, I mean, not anymore, and I certainly enjoy the flexibility of writing in this casual style. It’s just that I think what you think “literally” means isn’t what it means? Ya know?…

Read on here…

From the full article: Finally, if your drum circle isn’t drawing a crowd, and so you add, without regard to their skill level, two women with hula hoops, and if they look sincerely intense as they gyrate, eyes closed in the tragic fiction of rapture, and if you throw in someone fire-spinning in a pair of wrap pants you brought them back from your trip to Kopipi, and once every ten minutes someone makes an announcement that this is a show, and if there is no sense of order, structure, focus or purpose to your fiery, hoopy, shitty circus, then that is not a show….

I would rather give money to the kitten on a leash, which, may i remind you, is not a show…

Do read on…

On seeing this facebook note trend:

“Choose only song names from ONE ARTIST, cleverly answer these questions. Pass it on… You can’t use the band I used. Try not to repeat a song title. It’s a lot harder than you think! Repost as “my life according to (band name)”. ”

If I choose the Smiths, will people start calling and asking me if I’m okay again? Because I’m fine. No really, I’m feeling fine. I’m just busy… and it’s just so very dark in my apartment…

Pick your Artist:
The Smiths

The Correctness received this impassioned plea for wisdom a few days after the close of our contest, but we felt it warranted special attention, due to the serious public health concerns:

Dear Correctness,

Could you please help me and my friend with a problem we are having. As residents of South East Asia, it has come to our attention that many people are afraid of contracting H1N1. This in itself is annoying, as the current strain of the virus appears to be as terrifying as dermatitis, and quite a lot less irritating.

… Q: A popular technique for time travel that I often hear discussed is “folding time”. How does folding time help to travel through time?

A: Well, it’s a simple as this: Imagine time is this piece of paper (Rob holds a piece of paper). Now imagine we could do this (Rob bends the paper to touch in a couple of places) so we could pass from one point in time to another. Well time travel is not at all like that. It’s more like if I did that paper bending thing, except with time instead of paper. Paper is more like paper than it is like time, it’s just serving as a physical analogue in this case. Like, I guess you could create similes about how paper is like time, but why bother?…

See full text for instructions…

Oh Constant Reader, you may recall that in order to celebrate our 100^th member of our facebook group, we held a contest requesting your best “advice column letter”. We also asked you to sign off with a clever acronym that summarized your troubles, like “NERD” or “BATMAN”. The Correctness is pleased to announce that the contest submissions are in, and one of these lucky advice askers will receive dinner with The Correctness! Imagine an entire evening of smarminess! But first, we know that you want our advice, and we are delighted to offer it to you, smarmily. Contest winners will be announced shortly!

Dear Correctness:

When I married my husband I was a regular person with a passing knowledge of superheroes…. (continued)

“…Yes, he had slain the Ogres of Tangle’s Deep, yes he had tricked the Warlock King of Hellsbridge Meadows, yes he had climbed the insurmountable peaks of Zordan, but at the moment, he thought to himself, after all his achievements “ I could really take a dump right now. That would totally smooth out this coronation”…

Dear Skype:

Attached is an article which references how audio feedback is created, and prevented. Perhaps, and I am just throwing this out there, you guys could read it before you do your next software revision.

ConCERNed? Ha! Seriously, Large Hadrons, and the End of the World.

We here at The Correctness are not physicists. OH! Wait- No, I looked around again, and we are not physicists, but what we ARE for certain is correct, and we’d like to offer some advice on your impending doom. So, regarding your horrifying death: When CERN finally fixes the Large Hadron Collider in November, we can guarantee you that the first large hadron collision will set in motion the destruction of all life on earth, most probably by terrifying creatures from dimensions beyond, but possibly, and somewhat optimistically, just from a massive gravitational collapse that will swallow our planet. Let’s explain a bit about the LHC.

Much has been made recently of Facebook allowing advertisers to use your profile image, or other images, to promote their products. We at The Correctness have a simple solution. Why spend hours wading around in your privacy settings? Simply make this image your profile photo, and when the good people at XYZ Inc. want your friends to know you love their product without your consent, you can let them know what kind of customer you are.

Copy and post, if you like.

Lady:

I can smell your perfume in the exhaust-fume-filled parkade a full 5 minutes after you passed through. You smell like the cosmetics section of Walmart crawled up into, and subsequently died inside of, the corpse of a Giant Anus Beast.

You can’t cover ugly with reek.

Hey, if the handlebars on your cruiser bike are taller than you, you are a douchebag. Where do you park that? Why must you ride on a walking path? Why through the wading pool? The children must flee your giant bicycle. Douchenozzle.

The Correctness Presents: Emergency Car Repair for the Fragile Male Ego

So your car has broken down? Are you stranded on the side of the highway? Are your hypothetical passengers, wife, and/or children screaming at you to do something? Do you think, perhaps, just for one all too tempting moment, if you simply slipped away into the wilderness you could leave it all behind and nobody would ever notice or care? What awaits you in those dark mysterious woods? Is it The Bloodthirsty Wendigo? Will he eat you first, for your cruel betrayal of your family, or will he consume their flesh as you run to your inevitable doom in the web of the Giant Spider? Do you remember the Battle for Endor movies? Will those be your last memories as your fluids are sucked partially out of you, leaving you just alive enough to watch the Wendigo fight the Spider, knowing that your fate is still to be eaten no matter which one wins? All I remember about those Endor movies is the kid with the headband.

7 things we hate about Weddings:

Lest we start to sound unromantic, let us first say that we here at The Correctness have no objection to the notion of making a lifelong vow to your partner who you deeply love. No, we think marriages are a lovely idea, and fully 2/3 of The Correctness are happily wed, and a mere 1/3 of us are hopeless bachelors who screw up every relationship we touch like some kind of reverse King Midas (See the Hollies 1968 “hit” entitled “King Midas in Reverse” if you would like to see this metaphor extended into meaninglessness).

This came to our attention on our Correctness! Answers user forum.

The Correctness Book Club

This Week: Pride and Prejudice, as reviewed by Dave, Rob, and Tony.

R: Hi everyone, this week we’ve been reading Jane Austen’s Pride and Prejudice. I am told that this is one of the great Regency period Romances.

T: I’m a big fan of the Regency.

D: I stayed at the Regency in New York once. It was really nice- a bit dialogue heavy, but nice.

R: Let’s begin with the important parts. I’m not one to judge a book by its cover, but I’d like to take a moment to judge this book by its cover.

Good news everyone! We have excerpts from the 2009 guidebook to Middle Earth!

Staying in the Barrow Downs:

Accommodations:

Accommodations are available, but dusty at best. If your room has a barrow wight, you’ll want to put in a call to Tom Bombadil, his songs are the strongest.

Weather:

While the weather on the downs itself is temperate, the weather inside the barrows tends to be clammy and chilled. You probably don’t need rain gear, as the thought of returning to the surface will be overwhelmed by the soul-sucking desire to stay where you are and die.

A Haiku Cycle for the Creamsicle Women: The peroxide blondes with fake orange tans. Like a winter leaf, You tumble, awkwardly off Your broken high heels ………………………………….. Your perfect orange skin The hottest oompa loompa I have seen today ………………………………….. Your spray tan hits you Like the mist off the ocean Only, retarded. ………………………………….. Did [...]

Funding proposal: PenisHats.com, or, My totally awesome idea: Potential investor: For some time now, I have been secretly saving a totally awesome get-rich-quick scheme.  It’s penishats.com, a website that sells of a wide variety of comfortable hats, and accessories, for flaccid penises.  Touques, baseball caps, pirate hats, bandanas, cowboy hats, fireman’s helmets, sheriff’s badges, neckties, [...]