XXX-Men : The XXX Parody | The Correctness

XXX-Men : The XXX Parody

Lots of other sites will preview those OTHER movies. You know, they’ll show on set pictures of Captain America. Not holding a shield. Not even in the costume. And it’s blurry as all hell. Or they’ll show you a car on the set of Thor. Well, not the Correctness. No sir. The Correctness are a bunch of zeitgeist loving motherfuckers who know EXACTLY what our loyal audience wants. We are out searching for the REAL scoop.

That’s why our vast network of spy (Yes, the singular is on purpose) has been scouring the internet and sometimes leaving his house to bring you the freshest scoops from the world of Superhero movies.

There was the imaginatively titled “Jersey Shore : the XXX Parody”

There was “The Simpsons :the XXX Parody” for all you jaundice fetishists out there.

There was “XXX Parody : The XXX Parody” for the fella that likes a little meta with his spank material

Well The Correctness has gotten a sneak preview of the next great XXX- Parody. Here for your enjoyment, are selections from the screenplay for “X-men : The XXX Parody” which we all know should be called “XXX-Men” but evidently they really don’t want to mess with success over there at the XXX Parody studios.( Or at Least “Sex Men” I mean COME ON!! ) Now this is not the complete screenplay, unfortunately by the time I got to it to write the article, all of the scenes with Kitty Pryde were either ripped out or …rendered unusable by Robbie Robtown. Just a few selections for you to peruse before we are forced to take them down by Disney, Marvel and our wives.

Enjoy.

INT. SEX-MANSION – DAY

Young Rogue is speaking with Wolverine

WOLVERINE

So you wanna join the  SEX-Men do ya, bub? Well…what are your powers?

ROGUE

Well, I guess you could say I…SUCK all of the powers out of superheroes

WOLVERINE

Is that so? Care to prove it?

ROGUE

I sure would, sugar!

Rogue drops to her knees.

(Zip)

(Snikt)

ROGUE (con’t)

Oh my!  It’s so HARD!

WOLVERINE

That’s right. Those Bastards at Weapon XXX replaced my boner with Adamantium

ROGUE

You ARE a mutant! Do y’all know how to use that thing?

WOLVERINE

Sure do, Baby. I’m the best at what I do…and what I do is VERY nice…

*************************************************

INT. THE SEX-JET-NIGHT

Kitty Pryde and Collossus are in the back of the Sex-jet, waiting to go on a very important mission

KITTY

So…what’s the mission, Colossus?

COLOSSUS

Juggsernaut is on a rampage…we must stop him.

KITTY

How frightening. I hope it goes okay…I mean I don’t want to die  a virgin.

Colossus smiles. Kitty smiles back. she slowly starts to unzip the front of her costume

KITTY

Say…why DO they call you Colossus?

(Whoomp. Clunk. Jet dips a little then rights itself.)

KITTY

Oh my God…I’m gonna have to use my phase power just to get that in my…

(Several pages missing…action picks up 15 pages later)

KITTY

That’s it…That’s it! Don’t stop!

JUGGSERNAUT

I won’t stop…I’m the JUGGSERNAUT, BITCH!!

**********************************************

EXT. SEX-MANSION GARDENS – DAY

Jean Grey is talking with her husband, Scott

JEAN

I’m so scared, Scott…I feel like I can’t control my powers anymore

SCOTT

It’ll be okay Jean… Professor Sex will help you

JEAN

I don’t think he can help me, it’s too big. It’s like a big hot ache deep inside me…

SCOTT

You seemed to handle big things inside you before. Like on our wedding night.Maybe I can help you with that.

JEAN

You mean you want me to show you my Dark Phoenix?

SCOTT

and I’ll show you my Cyclops…

Emma Frost saunters out from behind a nearby hedge

EMMA

Any room for me?

JEAN

YOU! Get lost bitch! Get Your Own Man

EMMA

Oh Jean, you foolish girl. Don’t you know I’m psychic. I can read minds…and I know just what you want…

Jean and Emma kiss tenderly…Scott smiles

SCOTT

You might be able to turn yourself into diamonds Emma…but I’m the one getting hard!

***********************************************

INT. BEASTS LAB-DAY

Hank is working away in the Lab…when Storm comes in

STORM

Hank! The Sextinals are coming, to destroy all the Sex Men with their Sex Rays. Also…sex.

BEAST

I can’t help right now…I have to work something for  Professor Sex

STORM

What are you working on?

BEAST

It’s an experiment on the attraction of Magnetic particles. This could be the key to defeating Magneto.

STORM

speaking of attraction…I’ve been wanting to do a little experimenting myself

BEAST

With what?

STORM

Beastiality….

A small localized rainstorm begins, soaking Storm and her white costume right through

STORM

Ohh look…I got myself all wet for you…

BEAST

Oh My Stars and Garters!

****************************************

INT. SEX MANSION, DANGER ROOM – NIGHT

Jean is sprawled out in bed with Colossus and Wolverine, all three naked and exhausted

JEAN

Wow. That was incredible! What do you call that maneuver you pulled?

WOLVERINE

(Wait for it. Here it comes. Everybody together now)

It’s called a” Fastball special”

JEAN

It was amazing

WOLVERINE

Wanna do it again?

JEAN

Already?

WOLVERINE

Healing factor. (Snickt)

JEAN

I like how it’s retractable.

WOLVERINE

You ready, Colossus?

Colossus “Metals up”

COLOSSUS

Da. Good to go

*****************************

The Big Finale. Rogue, Storm, Psychlocke, Jean Grey, Kitty Pryde, Emma Frost and Dazzler are facing Magneto, Mystique, Scarlet Witch and Lady Deathstrike.

STORM

You’ll never get away with enslaving mankind Magneto…we are here to stop you!

MAGNETO

Fools. I offered you a mutant paradise. And now you will bow to your true master. It’s time to evolve ladies!

Magneto waves his hand, all zippers , buttons, bra straps etc come off, The girls scream and make a show of covering up.

EMMA FROST

Hey, what the hell? I wasn’t wearing any metal!

JEAN GREY

That was me.

They share a sly smile

MAGNETO

And now you’ll see my true plan come to fruition! Charles!

Professor Sex comes rolling out

KITTY (Whose name actually does sound like a porn star)

Thank goodness. Get him professor!

MAGNETO

Not so fast. I gained access to Cerebro and switched the components….the first time Charles used it, it changed his way of thinking forever…he’s with me now!

JEAN GREY

Oh NO!!

CHARLES

Yes indeed, Jean. and now I have a little surprise for you…

The Sex-Women all clutch their heads…then start touching each other

PSYCLOCKE

Aughh.. he’s too powerful…he’s controlling us…

MAGNETO

That’s right. You are powerless against him. Raven my dear, you know what to do…

MYSTIQUE

I sure do…

The Females of the brotherhood start kissing and fondling the Sex-Women

DAZZLER

I can’t resist…it feels…so right…

EDITORS NOTE: What follows is a lesbian orgy of unprecedented depravity and duration, topped off by Mystique becoming at various points in the orgy Elektra, Spider-Woman, She Hulk and every other female in the Marvel universe, and occasionally, when warranted, growing a penis. I would have included this, but Robbie Robtown got to it first, and he has told me that he will die before he parts with it. He has literally threatened to “Punch me in my face hole until I am dead” . Then he broke down crying, clutching the pages to his chest, gently rocking back and forth, uttering “here Kitty Kitty Kitty” between heaving sobs. So we must skip these 50 or so pages of spectacular finale and go straight to the conclusion…if you have a problem with this, take it up with RRT.

The orgy finally ends. Everyone lounges about…very satisfied.

EMMA

Wow…we aren’t just mutants…we’re also freaks.

KITTY

Talk about Sex Men United…

They hear a giggling from up above. The camera pans up. Nightcrawler is hanging upside down from the chandelier

JEAN

Nightcrawler! You Perv!

NIGHTCRAWLER

I’m sorry, I did not mean to snoop

EMMA

How long have you been up there?

NIGHTCRAWLER

Long enough to get a wicked case of…BLUE BALLS!

Everyone laughs. Nightcrawler gives a shrug and a thumbs up

Fade out:

The End

Well, there you have it. You may now proceed to your respective bunks. Stay tuned next week when we give you an exclusive preview of The Fucktastic Four

SUE

Looks like I’m caught between a rock and a hard place

BEN

I think it’s clobberin time…

and coming soon, a preview of the big budget Superhero epic, The Assvengers

CAP

ASS-vengers…ASS-emble!

BLACK WIDOW

Again? Jesus Christ we need more women in this group

Till then…make mine MARVEL!

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Author: Tbinns

Tony is a stand up comedian. Tony is a writer. Tony is a sketch comedian. Tony defines himself by what he does. This is due to poor self esteem. He is horribly opinionated and prone to boogers.

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