The Correctness Casting Couch: Lois Lane

Part one of a series of articles in which the Correctness recasts some our favourite comic book heroines, and reclaims them from some performances that left…some room for improvement. This week, we tackle Superman’s REAL weakness, Ms. Lois Lane.

Who is Being Replaced? Kate Bosworth

Superman Returns was, I think we can all agree, a bit of a misfire. It had a number of problems (Superman lifting a kryptonite continent into the sky after being stabbed by kryptonite being a big one for me) but it had its share of good things too.(Plane sequence was awesome)Many internet pundits complained about Kate Bosworth’s Lois, said she was bland and possessed none of the fire Lois really needs. In a way she became, fairly or unfairly, a microcosm of everyone’s problem with the movie. Pretty, but ultimately empty and unmoving. Personally, I didn’t think she was horrible, but I do think she was miscast. So let’s see if we can do any better…

PLEASE NOTE: I will not be recasting Erica Durance because I do not give a shit about Smallville. There, I said it. The Justice League are not hunky douchebags. Superman 90210 can suck my balls.

HONORABLE MENTIONS:

Here’s a few people who probably could have done better with the part, but for one reason or another, didn’t quite make the Top 3

Grace Park

If they can cast Kingpin as an African American then I have no problem giving the part of Lois to Grace Park, who has tons of Geek Cred, and displayed plenty of sassy attitude during her run on Battlestar Galactica. She can pull off the action sequences and the romance sequences equally well and I think she’s a great choice for a fresh take on the character.

Jennifer Connolly

She might be a little sick of playing the female love interest for insanely strong beings, but she is a damned good actress and let’s face it, still rather breathtaking. She has the right look for either a period piece (see the Rocketeer) or more contemporary version. Some might argue she is a little old for a “reimagining”, but I think with a good Superman in the same age bracket, we’d have something pretty memorable on our hands.

Natalie Portman

Yes, yes, the nerds and their weird, sick Natalie Portman obsession, but dreadful Star Wars work aside, she can act, she’s smart, sexy, and I can completely buy her charging into deep shit to get the story. She might be a little on the petite side, but I think she makes up for it with pure sass. To be honest with you, I don’t think she would have made my list had it not been for the Natalie Raps thing on SNL. “I never said I was a role model.” That sounds like Lois to me.

The “If I Had A Time Machine Award” goes to…

Pheobe Cates circa 1983

Giggidy.

Giggidy.

Goo.

The downside of course is that a Superman of that era would likely be Matthew Broderick, or worse Arnold Schwartzenegger. On the other hand, I’m sure there would be lots of excuses to put Lois in a bikini. You take the good, you take the bad.


THE TOP THREE

#3 Anne Hathaway

Here she is, the only reason you rented Havoc. She’s been nominated for Oscars, showed us her depth (and a couple of other things) in Brokeback Mountain and Rachel Getting Married, and she has performed as Viola in Shakespeare in the Park in NYC. There is no doubt Ms. Hathaway has the chops, but she’s also got the right look, and Bride Wars aside, her career is white hot right now. She adds a touch of class to even the silliest movies she does, and many a drooling nerd would slap down 15 bucks to see her as Lois.

#2 Zooey Deschanell

I want you all to do me a favour. Go to your local bookstore and hunt around in the bargain bin for a copy of the Secret. Then, follow whatever it tells you about focusing your wishing power to make stuff happen. Then close your eyes and wish like a motherfucker for a stylized 1930′s Fleischer-esque Superman movie starring Jon Hamm and Zooey Deschanell, featuring a tricked out steampunk Brainiac as the villain.

WISH HARDER!!!!!

and my Number 1 Choice for a recast of Lois Lane

#1 Olivia Wilde

Is that, or is that not a face that would bring Superman to his knees? She plays a strong professional woman every week on House, and with that dark hair she almost LOOKS like something out of a Bruce Timm cartoon.
She’s like Megan Fox with 75% more brains and 100% less skank. I mean LOOK at her…

To my mind if she is hot enough to marry a Prince, she is certainly hot enough for Superman.

So, who did I miss? Am I way off? Let me know what you think below, and stay tuned next week when we tackle recasting Mary Jane Watson

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10 thoughts on “The Correctness Casting Couch: Lois Lane

  1. I agree, and agree. You put into words my thoughts exactly.

    (Oh, and another slam on Superman having a kid after his one night stand in the Fortress would’ve been welcome)

  2. Love the 1930′s Superman idea, Tbinns! And Olivia Wilde as well. I’d throw Kate Beckinsale and her understudy Rhona Mitra on the list too. And by list I mean names of smoking hot brunettes who make my pants fit funny.

  3. I was a big fan of the 80s redo of Superman by John Byrne. His Lois Lane was an army brat who could take care of herself in dangerous investigative-reporting situations. She was a couple of years older than Clark and was well established at the Planet.
    I am super tired of telling superman’s super origin every movie. Bless Dark Knight and it’s skipping of Batman & Joker’s origin (re)telling

    time machine: Mia Sara circa 1995

    my top 3:
    3) Zooey Deschanels (if going younger)
    2) Mary Louise Parker
    1) Kate Beckinsale

  4. What about Scarlett Johansson? Not that I am fussed, as long as it’s not Margot, I’m fine with it.

    I’d go with Zooey myself, out of your list.

  5. After some thought I would also like to add Rashida Jones and Cobie Smulders to the short list, but not the top 3.

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