(ED: The Correctness obtained copies of these interviews, found in a box addressed to “The Correctness: A Long Time from Now, In a Galaxy Far,Far, Away”.)
Kitster Banai: “Yeah, I knew him. Only we called him Ani. I didn’t like hanging out with him that much, because he smelled like wet carpet and vomit a lot of the time. He was a slave kid, always looking for food and handouts. He used to come over to my place, and my mom wouldn’t let him inside. She was worried he had lice and stuff.
He was ok. He was a pretty smart kid, knew a lot about fixing stuff. He was always building thing, like this robot he had. I never understood how he was so dirt poor, but he had like thousands of credits worth of talking robot around.
He left here when he was like 8 or so, after he won the big podrace. He went to become a Jedi or monk or something. ( Interviewer explains what became of Anakin). What? He became Darth Vader? Daaaaamn! Maybe I should have opened some of those letters he sent. Seriously, I should call him up, I could use a nice cushy government job. Wow, shoulda seen that coming. They said he wiped out a bunch of Sandpeople, but those guys are useless anyway. I have one of them doing my yardwork. Lazy as hell.”
“You wanna know about Skywalker, huh? Let me tell you about Skywalker! He was a little jerk! He was always harping on me about my weight, about how much I ate. Well, Mr. Slave kid who hasn’t seen the inside of a sonic shower in his life, I’m Rodian. We eat. That’s how it works. But he’s all “you’re getting fat”, and “you eat everything in sight”. Starts calling me “Greedo”. And of course, it sticks. I should have taken him out when I was 7. Of course, he did set me up with some cushy bounty hunting contracts, so I guess he’s okay by me. Anyways, I gotta go, I just saw a certain pilot I have to go talk to. ”
“Yeah, I knew him. He always came into my shop, looking at stuff he couldn’t afford. Always babbling about how he was going to be a pilot, and save his mom, crap like that. So, just before he left, he comes wandering in, with this big grin on his face, and he’s all “I’m getting off this planet”, and “too bad for the rest of you, better stock up on sunscreen”. Then he said something about building a giant laser and blowing the crap out of Tatooine. There were some Stormtroopers in town looking for some robots. I think his kid might have them. What, you didn’t know he had a son? Sure, he lives up with Owen Lars. It’s pretty obvious really. There’s only like 6 Skywalkers on the whole planet, and the rest of them are black. Ben Kenobi moved not too far from his place. You know, as in Obi Wan Kenobi? Jedi might be masters of the Force, but they suck at fake identities. Anyways, I’m getting out of here, had enough of this place. Think I might have a job lined up with my cousin on Bespin. Quiet there, no government hassles.”