Magic 8 Ball: A Motion Picture Event
According to this and several other sources online they are making a Magic 8 Ball Movie.
I would like to take a moment to discuss this in a calm and reasonable manner.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME WITH THIS?
A
Fucking
Magic
8
Fucking
Ball
Fucking
Movie.
Do you have ANY Idea how much a Hollywood movie costs to make? Millions! Millions of dollars that could have gone to any number of things, up to and including earthquake relief and Gulf coast clean up. But no, that 50 million is spoken for. It’s going right in the old Magic 8 ball movie fund. Fuck Otters. Fuck them right in their oil filled eardrums, I’m making a magic 8 ball movie.
I am a stand up comedian and have been for ten years. I am also a professional writer. I have pitched three TV series, and two movies and have not received 1 red cent toward production, but MAGIC 8 BALL the MOVIE gets the green light. That literally means my work is not as interesting, or fund worthy as the piece of kitsch sitting on the executives desk.
According to Hollywood, I am not as funny, fascinating or entertaining as a MAGIC 8 BALL. How do you think that makes me feel?
That’s like me getting called into an office of an executive and him saying
“Hey, Tony, we like you, you’ve got some very funny stuff, but we’re actually gonna go with this slinky on my desk here. The Slinky tested very high. We’ve got a great story, it’s about this guy who goes down stairs…”
I guess it makes sense on one level, they have probably been using it for years to green light films…
“How about a buddy comedy between a cop and a talking baby…”It is a Certainty”, OKAY We’re a go, get Ashton Kutcher on the phone”
Are they just looking around the office for movie ideas now?
“Let’s see…movie ideas…uh…ummm..oh uh stapler? has there been a stapler movie? He teams up with three hole punch?”
“No…it’s not singing to me…uh…OH what’s that on your desk?”
“Magic 8 ball?”
“Ooooh. magic! I like that. Plus it’s black, it will test well with black audiences, we’ll get some of that sweet Tyler Perry cash!
Perhaps it’s all down to market research Maybe some douchebag shows up with a chart saying 1 in every 5 offices has a magic 8 ball in it, so the exec does the math and says “That’s a guaranteed 75 million dollar opening weekend! Call the Marketing department…I want teasers, ‘This Christmas get ready to get…behind the 8 ball!’ Cancel my appointments for the rest of the week….”
And what are they going to do with it? A wacky family comedy about a guy, played by Brendon Fraser, who discovers his magic 8 ball is actually magic, and whatever it predicts comes true, and he gets so caught up in it that he neglects his adorable son, but in the end learns his lesson when the 8 ball says “Go Hug your Boy”, so he uses the ball to chase down his soon to be ex wife and get his family back? Oh and the 8 ball does something and makes his dog talk. The dog will be voiced by Dane Cook. And it will be a Great Dane…META JOKE kids love that! And Taylor Swift will do the lead song on the soundtrack called “All Signs Point To Yes” and it will be in shitty fucking 3-d, and an entire generation will grow up not giving a shit about movies because they think that this is what a movie is, and they will continue to watch idiots with bad hair and worse editing skills on youtube talk about Lady Fucking GAGA.
The Godfather was made IN OUR LIFETIME it wasn’t that long ago…how did we get from THAT to 8 BALL THE MOTION PICTURE!!!?
Hey Christian Fundamentalists, it isn’t our moral failings that cause the volcanoes and earthquakes, and typhoons…its 8 Ball The Motion Picture.
Hey Terrorists, imperialism and decadence isn’t why you hate us, its 8 ball the motion picture!
I have no medical proof but I suspect my asthma was brought on by 8 ball the motion picture.
And with all due respect for Patton Oswalt at least “Death Bed, The Bed That Eats People” had the decency to fall into obscurity…you had to LOOK that shit up on IMDB.
This will be in a MULTIPLEX. STATE OF THE ART EQUIPMENT will be used to DIGITALLY PROJECT A MOVIE BASED ON A MAGIC 8 BALL. And it will be right there with the movie they are making about Battleship. And Monopoly. Mark my words people…go out and buy the domain name for every shitty toy you had in the seventies and add the word “movie” to it because they are going to green light it. You can’t stop it, so you might as well make some money on it.
Dibs on “gameoflifethemovie.com”
I may also take “pleasejustfuckingkillme.com”
and just in case “staplerthemovie.com”
So, I guess you might say…My outlook is not so positive.
17 Responses to “Magic 8 Ball: A Motion Picture Event”
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How will this movie turn out? My sources say suck!!
Peace & ask again later,
Ringo
Ringo(Quote) (Reply)
TBinns.
I hear you.
I feel the same way about music.
Me and a friend thought we should make really lame pointless shallow music without much substance and market it as the newest best thing that all teens will go crazy for.
Then make a million bucks and laugh at the fools.
hey, people are stupid it’s what’s behind all bad media.
It’d be hilarious if you submitted something to hollywood somewhere that was purposely bad and they get back to you with enthusiasm for what you wrote.
G Flegal(Quote) (Reply)
To be fair, in our lifetime there may have been brilliant gems like The Godfather, Star Wars, (insert other classics here) etc our lifetime has to also take credit for such turds as:
Batman & Robin
Showgirls
Heart Beeps
The Mortal Kombat Films
Any Movie with Paris Hilton
So, how do we get from Godfather to Magic 8 Ball…well look at the list above! It is the pendulum effect, for ever swing towards greatness there is an equal and opposite swing towards complete crap!
What we should weep for is Brendan Fraser? Oh how the mighty A lister has fallen! Soon he’ll be doing a movie with talking animals out for revenge…oh wait. And so his spiral into oblivion continues.
Amber(Quote) (Reply)
umm i agree with most of your points above but for one. there is a movie called Repo: a genetic opera (not to be confused with the new piece of shit called Repomen which stole a great premise and made it hollywood). paris hilton has a fairly large role and the movie is still fab. plus her face falls off. and its a musical. with giles (buffy fans know). and its a musical.
1/4 20(Quote) (Reply)
Now now, let’s leave Mortal Kombat out of this. They KNEW they were stupid, they weren’t trying to fool anyone.
For the love of all this good and holy, the 2nd one had flaming ninjas cart-wheeling from the sky! Ninjas! On FIRE! From the SKY! That’s practically a summer blockbuster right there!
The M-Daddy(Quote) (Reply)
Jenga the Movie!
Tomass(Quote) (Reply)
Tomass, get your money down on that domain name pronto
Tbinns(Quote) (Reply)
I’m going to wait until the rumor about Patrick Stuart being confirmed in the role for “Block from the middle” is a little more solid.
Tomass(Quote) (Reply)
and by “Stuart” I do mean “Stewart” …and my Alpha Geek card has now been revoked.
Tomass(Quote) (Reply)
Rape Stove: The Stove that Rapes People.
RobbieRobTown(Quote) (Reply)
I’d let a stove rape me.
Tomass(Quote) (Reply)
You wouldn’t have a choice…
The M-Daddy(Quote) (Reply)
I would so go see Slinky: The Movie.
spcMike(Quote) (Reply)
We can get Aerosmith to do a cover of the Slinky song as the theme.
Keith(Quote) (Reply)
Hollywood’s been running out of ideas for a while. Hence the on going remakes and making films out of tv series, and spoofs. It was only a matter of time before they’d move onto inadimate objects. and when someone offers a new idea, it’s not considered a safe choice because there isn’t a pre existing fan base.
tpiper(Quote) (Reply)
I don’t know – it’s not like the movie is going to be ABOUT the 8-ball. It’ll be about the main characters using it to determine their lives, and the hijinks that ensue. It’s not going to be an 8-ball going off on an adventure with the game pieces from Sorry. Right? They wouldn’t do that. I mean… hmm.
kthxbye(Quote) (Reply)
That’s pretty bad. Does make me question how some movies are greenlit. Especially The Human Centipede…
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Human_Centipede_(First_Sequence)
Does it make you feel even worse that people would rather watch this than you?
Will(Quote) (Reply)