I Already Hate The Dark Knight Trilogy, And So Do You

I SUPPOSE there are some SPOILERS in here. You were warned.

Dearest Readers:

 

You know, not long after the news that there would be a Spider Man reboot, I started hearing from the nerd-verse how much everyone hated The Sam Raimi Spideys. The closer to the release date we all got to the new movie, the more we all just despised the previous films. Here’s the weird part: I wasn’t caught up in this tide of revulsion. In fact, I remember kind of liking the first two movies a fair bit, heck, even the weird third one was only kind-of-weird…

 

Briefly on IMDB, Christopher Nolan was listed as the producer on an untitled Batman reboot, and the following thought occurred to me: We would all have things to hate about his Batman trilogy with a new one on the way.

 

So, way in advance of the avalanche of misplaced hatred for some movies I actually heartily enjoyed, (enjoyed more than the Raimi Spider Man films, but still…) here are all the things I hate about The Dark Knight trilogy before the inevitable reboot in 2013! When the reboot of the reboot comes in 2014, and then the reboot ret-conned reboot trilogy comes out in the mid summer of 2014 again, and then they make Batman a girl before rebooting it in late September, I can only assume that we’ll still be going back to these criticisms of Nolan.

1.   If The Dark Knight Rises had been called “Batman: Dark Knight Rises”, people would have been confused, because they would have expected to see Batman in the movie (Good point M Daddy). Where was Batman? It should have been called “Joseph Gordon-Levitt is very charming, and Michael Caine acts the pants off the screen: Rises, featuring Bruce Wayne in a few scenes.”

2.  2008′s The Dark Knight had too many endings. What was that movie, The Return of the King? It just kept ending, and ending, and ending again. I was like “Get on the boat, Frodo!”. And what was with that message at the end about Batman being the hero that Gotham needs? Did Gotham need a hero that gave up for 8 years? Or Maybe Harvey Dent was the hero Gotham needed, or Kurt Russell was? “Escape From Gotham” was one hell of a film.

3.   What was with Bruce Wayne’s limp in DKR? I thought he was putting on a show to Batmanify everybody into believing he was weak thus fooling them about his secret identity, or somehow getting access to the satellites that are controlled by a knee doctor in Russia, or something. I know it was meant to reveal him as aging, but what a bummer. Didn’t Batman develop an entire alternate-secret-psychotic-personality in case anyone ever managed to break him? Isn’t this the guy who knows how to defeat the entire Justice League? Is this the same guy with the knee brace?

4.  What exactly was R’as Al Ghul’s agenda? Why did he want to blow up Gotham so bad? I mean, we’ve all seen Die Hard films full of “uncompromising terrorist logic”, but at no point in his explanation did I really understand why it had to be Gotham.  Maybe he explained it and I don’t remember. Chalk it up to bad writing then! If I can’t remember it on the merest whim, it was bad writing. Why was Charles Foster Kane so blah blah? Don’t remember, bad writing.

5.  If they can replace the actress  who played Rachel Dawes with a better actress, why not just replace the actress who played the Joker with a better actor? Don’t tell me it’s too soon.

6. Why was Guy Pierce always forgetting he was supposed to be inceptioning David Bowie? You think anyone would remember that, even if Wolverine was hunting the Titanic kid.

 

There, I think you are all ready with some advance ammunition when you suddenly turn on these Nolan films and explain your deep and abiding hatred of them when something new is in the works.

P.S., Most spoilery of all, I wouldn’t mind seeing Joseph Gordon-Levitt as Robin-cum-Batman (heh, “cum”) in the Justice League thing someday, but if they replace Brandon Routh with a new fella, and they replace Ryan Reynolds with a goat on a bike, then who’s to say what the casting will be like. Plus, who’s Flash?

 

4 Responses to “I Already Hate The Dark Knight Trilogy, And So Do You”

1. The M-Daddy says:

   July 26, 2012 at 10:34 am

   As a lonely nerd, I enjoy being a part of something.

   Seriously, I await the ‘Total Minutes Batman is Onscreen’ tidbit to be released by someone who actually wants to watch this in theaters again. Not me, though.

   Fact: Michael Keaton’s Batman was 10-times the detective as Bale, and I only recall him figuring out that whole ‘mixed makeup makes yuckyness’ thing and the dead giveaway about Selina being Catwoman.

   Final Point!: regardless of his detective skills, as Correctness Smackdowns have clearly shown, the more time Batman has to prepare himself, the more invincible he becomes, thusly, after 8 years in solitude, Chuthulu Itself could not have beaten him, Even if he wasn’t intentionally planning for it and was still just being all mopey about Rachel. In 8 years, just by random chance, Batman would have concocted a plan to make all of the Great Old Ones his personal, Michael Jackson-esque zoo attractions.

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2. Cub Reporter Keith says:

   July 26, 2012 at 3:59 pm

   Is #6 in code?

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3. Cub Reporter Keith says:

   July 26, 2012 at 5:38 pm

   Can the inverse be said of Return of the Jedi? People thought it was weak, full of merchanising wank and terribly put together. Until the prequels came out and now it’s a classic again.

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4. Deuce says:

   October 1, 2012 at 12:46 am

   Here…..let me help you out on every single one of these so called problems since you don’t pay attention. Now, to start this, I will agree: Sam Raimi’s Spiderman movies are very good (1 is great, 2 is awesome, 3 is overblown) and I think the reboot is good as it is. Now let me educate you on some things.

   1: Where is Batman? You wondered why Batman doesn’t show up until the hour mark well let me explain: Batman lost all hope because he lost the love of his life and his reason to finally take off the costume, got shot at the end of Dark Knight, fell off a building at the end of #2, fell off many buildings before that, got stabbed, took beatings and all that jazz. He wanted Harvey Dent to be the hero, not him, so that’s why he disappeared and let Dent take all of his glory.

   2: All the TDK endings. I counted one because unlike Return of the King, where I legitimately thought that the movie could’ve ended at multiple points but didn’t, TDK ended exactly where it needed to.

   3: Bruce Wayne’s limp? Please scroll up to #1 and see all the injuries that he suffered and also….believe it or not…..jumping off buildings and taking all that abuse doesn’t do very many great things to your body (like jumping off buildings isn’t good for your knees). When it comes all down to it, Bruce Wayne is human, a very smart and rich human, but a human nonetheless….he does feel pain.

   4: Bad writing? You are more than welcome to type up your own Batman Begins or Citizen Kane script and send it to Warner Bros if you think you can do it better. Secondly, go back and watch the scene where Ra’s interrupts Batman’s party and Ra’s details the reason as to why he wanted to destroy Gotham.

   5: Where was the Joker? I know I saw him…..I saw his memory oozing out of every pore of the opening frames because of all the destruction he caused and also, Nolan did it out of the memory of someone who died to bring a character to life (I’m not condoning that but I do respect Ledger for trying so hard to please hard to please fans).

   6: No idea what you’re talking about there.

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