You know, everyone here at the Correctness loves Star Wars. We really really do. But like the Father who is hardest on his most beloved child (at least that’s what my Mom said) we feel the need to share a few….shortcomings. What gives us the right to nitpick? Thousands of dollars we have spent on toys books, re releases, format changes, model kits etc. We aren’t saying George Lucas OWES us anything. But if you spent thousands on ANY product,and lets not kid ourselves, it is PRODUCT at this point, I feel you have the right, once you have purchased said product, to air a few Grievouses. (See what I did there?)
1. The Dialogue: Harrison Ford once remarked “You can write this shit George, but you can’t say it.” That becomes increasingly evident with lines like “From my point of view the Jedi are evil” and “Hold me like you did on Naboo” and “Yippeee.” No matter what age he is, Darth Vader, under no circumstances should utter the phrase “Yippeee” Not even ironically. Ever. No No No! Bad George, Bad!
2. Speaking of which, Anakin should not have been 10 when the story started. Being 17 ish would a) set up a parallel with Luke, b) make the pod race and subsequent space battle more plausible c) make the romance less weird and creepy and d) would have eliminated the need for “Yipeee” I cannot stress enough how much of a mistake that was.
3. Midichlorines or whatever the fuck. Making the force a medical condition, nay a parasite even, took the wind out of every sail. Remember when it was an energy force that surrounded us and bound the Galaxy together? Was anyone unsatisfied with that explanation? Because I wasn’t. The Force is not something you can cure with a dose of Penicillin.
4. Accents. With the exception of Ewen MacGregor every accent was either piss poor, racist, or both. Natalie Portman in the Senate, evil Asian trade federation, Gungans, mesa haten dem all.
5. The Death of Darth Maul. Take the ONE new character that is actually several shades of awesome , and instead of stretching him out over three films and having Anakin kill him to take his place at the Emperor’s side, you punk him out at the end of episode One. And by the way, he had the higher ground, which is exactly how Obi Wan beat Anakin in Episode 3. A little consistency is not too much to ask for. And who did they replace him with? Count DOOKU? Whose name even sounds like a euphemism for shit?
6. Teddy Bear Bad Assery: Not just any Stormtroopers but AN ENTIRE LEGION OF THE EMPERORS BEST TROOPS. Utterly destroyed by Care bears with sticks and rocks. It’s like a midget Fuzzies convention. Fuck Ewoks. Fuck em right in the cute cuddly ear.
7. The Death Star has cleared the planet. As opposed to just blowing it up to get it out of the way. Even if it’s one of those “We can’t recharge the laser in time” things If they blew up Yavin, it would have devastating effects on the 4th moon, it would be every bit as effective as blowing the planet up. Grand Moff Tarkin needs to brush up on his science, I think.
8. The Kiss. Not the peck on the cheek in a New Hope, I’m talking about the full on “I’ll show you Mr. Smarty Pants Han Solo” lip lock between brother and sister in The Empire Strikes Back. Ewwww. Evidently the Skywalker twins are from the deep southern part of the Galaxy.
9. Taun Tauns. Cool, but why do they sound like the Hambugler? Rawble Rawble Rawble.
10. Darth Vader building one of the droids that he was looking for in a New Hope. Really? REALLY?Plus he used to own the one who has the plans he’s looking for. No one is looking to Star Wars for any sense of verisimilitude but dear God, how small IS that fucking Galaxy?
11. “I don’t recall ever owning a droid before…” Well then you’ve gone senile, because you knew this droid by name and hung around with him extensively over a period of years. Maybe when they wiped the Droids memory some of it spilled over to Obi Wan
12. Yoda. While I have no problem with his Little Green Ninja thing like Rob does (Judge him by his size do you Rob?) but why is it the puppet from the 80’s looks waay better than either the shitty puppet or the cgi in the prequels? Can’t you just use the same puppet? His appearance wouldn’t have changed that much, when you consider he’s 900 years old, 30 years here or there won’t make that much of a difference. You didn’t throw the puppet out did you? DID YOU?
13. Retconning Temura Morrison’s voice onto Boba Fett. He’s a clone, I get it, but New Zealand accents aren’t genetic. It’s a big galaxy; he could have lost the accent years ago. Way to fuck over Jeremy Bulloch’s convention income, George.
14. The Turn. I get his reasons for turning…it all just seemed a little sudden. “You are evil, I’m taking you in!” and 15 minutes later “Yeah, I’ll go kill a bunch of children, I’m totally okay with that.” More seeds should have been planted sooner (which if he was older to begin with, could have been done more easily)
15. Luke and Leia’s scene on the bridge in the Ewok Village. From what I’m led to understand they were given several scenes that played out differently to prevent info leaking. Well they must not have believed it was the real scene because it is every bit as painful and embarrassing as the scenes with Anakin and Padme. Search your feelings, you know it to be true.
16. Boba Fett dies like a bitch. Taken out by a blind guy. By accident. That death not only robbed Boba Fett of his dignity, it also sold Han short. You couldn’t take 5 MINUTES for a mano a mano between Han and Boba Fett? Hell, at least his dad died on his feet firing both guns. But not Boba. Accidentally knocked into a giant sand vagina. Great. P.S. You have a jet pack… FLY OUT!!!!.
17. Threepio’s attempt at humor in the Prequels. “This is such a drag!” Yes, yes it is Threepio. And something tells me Anthony Daniels knows a thing or two about drag.
18. The commentary in the Pod Race. Thanks Greg Proops for smearing a healthy dose of suck over one of the few cool scenes in the movie.
19. Say it with me everyone “HAN SHOOTS FIRST!!!”
20. Jet Pack Artoo. He can fly? Really? That would have got him out of a number of scrapes in the previous films. Maybe the memory wipe erased that too.
21. “There was no father.” Fuck you. I didn’t by that from the Catholic Church I’m certainly not going to buy it from you.
22. Wheels. Either they don’t have them at all (Landspeeders, speeder bikes, At At’s) or they are nothing BUT wheels (Lame tank thingy, Lamer General Grievous thingy)
23. Turning the greatest Villain of all time into a whiny brat. “Obi wan is holding me back!” that one actually rivals “I was going to Toshee station to pick up some power converters” as the greatest Star Wars whine of all time. And the less said about “Noooooooooooooo!!!!!!!” the better.
24. Jar. Fucking. Jar. Fucking. Binks
25. Whiny fanboys nitpicking every detail until the movie is rendered…uhhh…oh.