(ED: Today’s article is brought to you by guest writer Victoria Banner – no relation.)
Legend of Zelda: The Movie.
So somewhere at one point in time someone said to me “A Legend of Zelda Movie would be awesome” I disagreed with this fact but was too busy not being sober to bring up why I whole-heartedly disagreed with this fact.
Well I forgot who brought up the concept, but I remembered why a legend of Zelda movie would be Terrible.
I re-thought of this while sitting on my bed doing one of those name 10 things next to you quizzes…I looked to my immediate left and noticed Watchmen, Hellboy, Repo, Edward Scissorhands, Rocky Horror, Paranormal Activity and The Legend of Zelda Animated Series box set….I abandoned the stupid quiz Out of inspiration. Now has anyone actually watched the Legend of Zelda animated series? Its PAINFUL….if you want to get the jist of it clicky teh link (the internet link not the picture of Link I plan on including) but if you value your sanity just keep reading.
Either was the game legend of Zelda is timeless….it takes place in Hyrule and the games are always just as enjoyable as you remember them unlike most games where you dust off your N64 and wonder why you spent the vast majority of age seven playing Yoshi story. (Yes I was seven years old when Yoshi story came out I get it… your old… I am a baby. Cool?). 3-D graphics were readily available by the time I was co-ordinated enough to use a controller so I don’t derive the same nostalgia as most of my friends do out of 8 bit gaming. (Except I loved Super Mario World and Sonic the Hedgehog…looking back I was probably only playing tutorial levels but I remember long the Shit out of them). But much like a young fan of Rock would go back and listen to Chuck Berry I did go back and play a few key games for gaming history…Megaman, Metroid and Duck Hunt I was unfortunately jaded thinking “God it gets SO MUCH BETTER” But Mario and Zelda for the NES and SNES: Timeless! A-Hem the point I am making is Zelda is timeless and any other medium other thant Video games would make it incredibly dated. Such as Legend of Zelda the Animated series takes place in Hyrule in the Late 80′s….ZELDA WEARS A FUCKING ROYAL PANTS-SUIT.
So all I can think of is how fast movies date and that no movie would ever do justice to the Legend of Zelda series. But if you still don’t believe me I have arranged a few examples of what Hollywood today would do to fuck up a Legend of Zelda movie.
First up Michael Bay could end up with LOZ rights, He loves Destroying peoples childhoods we would have-
LEGEND OF ZELDA: KING DODONGO’S REVENGE.
In this movie Link (played by Megan Fox) has given up on having a Sword and a Shield and opted for only bombs, bomb flowers and bomb arrows…since Link can Carry up to 99 bombs…(supposing He sailed around the world and met all the great Fairies) there is one explosion per minute in this movie. Also King Dodongo cost 10 Billlion dollars to animate, which is roughly enough to put all of the inhabitants of Haiti through Harvard.
Pre-Scott Pilgrim Michael Cera Movie:
(its very hard to use MS Paint on a Laptop)
The Sound track would feature Acoustic Guitar, Indie Tamborine, Indie Xylophone and purposefully off key Female singer Renditions of all your Favoriie Zelda themes. The Preview would have Michael Cera in an Oversized green Tunic Looking at Giant Pig Gannon. He will have a tiny boomerang and say Awkwardly “SO am I supposed to throw the boomerang or something??”. Zelda would be wearing pointy ear-earbuds.
Oscar Fishing Movie-
The Legend of Dreaming-Based on a True Story.
Here we see young Koji Kondo Growing up in Rual Japan, life is hard and he wants to get out of what ever kind situation he is in. He Gets Piano Lessons from his grandpa…who dies some tragic way or another…but he gets in to composing school on a scholarship, but he gets beat withing an inch of his life by bullies cause bullies in movie can do that. He graduates composing school and signs on with Nintendo…he has somesort of drug or family problem and then he composes the lost woods theme. The entire audience realizes that they have been taking the lost woods theme for granted. 7 million Oscars…8 million if the bullies rape him.
Speaking of Rape…. Horror Movie-
Dawn of the Redeads
And We’ll let you guys think of your own movie here!
Silent Hill/ Resident Evil Formula-
Open with Tingle Floating around selling maps…he sells a map to link (this scene is the entire goddamn trailer) and then we continue to see what shenanagans tingle gets up to for the rest of the movie…At one point he waves at Princess Zelda from across a field and we can kind of make her out. Release a Collectors Edition every other month.
Anyways, That’s why I feel a Legend of Zelda Movie would suck….doesn’t mean I am not going to freak the fuck out with excitement if they ever made one…..I wonder who would play Link? I know I missed a bunch of Terrible Genres but I really want to go watch Dexter…Anyone thought of any Genres I NEED to include? I will write it or write your own in the comments.