Why Godzilla Would Be An Awesome Girlfriend: College Essay Contest “Winner”?
Recently, as our regulars know, we went to universities all over North America and asked for essays to be entered into a new contest just for surly teen freshmen. Almost no entries were posted, save only this highly offensive submission from “Billy, Age 18″. We weren’t going to share it, but then…
Please be warned, this inexplicable rant contains NSFW language.
Why Godzilla Would Be An Awesome Girlfriend
Webster’s dictionary defines Godzilla as a fucking awesome giant radioactive lizard who makes your asinine Chuck Norris meme look like a punch to the cunt. The Oxford English Dictionary does not define Godzilla in such a crass way, but rest assured their definition has the word cunt in there somewhere.
If Godzilla was my girlfriend, we would laugh at you while you flew around on that pussy dragon Falcor screaming “yeah!”. We would eat the fuck out of you, you retard. What kind of dragon looks like a flying terrier? Answer: a shitty one.
Godzilla would be an awesome girlfriend because if I was in a bad mood, she would wreck Tokyo. And, like, she wouldn’t even wait to see if that would cheer me up. She would probably grab Rodan by the tail and spin him around so I could watch my girlfriend wrecking Tokyo USING ANOTHER GIANT MONSTER AS A WEAPON, instead of with her bare scaly hands.
Godzilla would be an awesome girlfriend because radioactive chicks are all sensitive and shit. I think she would really get me, and we wouldn’t have to talk about stuff, instead, we could wreck Tokyo together. We have common interests, like I love fucking wrecking Tokyo, and she totally loves that also.
I wouldn’t want to have sex with Godzilla, because she is much bigger than me, but you’d better believe I would hold her hand and go and see the Cherry Blossom Festival together, before she used her fire breath to torch that pink blossomed cherry orchard to the ground, and then she shat on some ancient pagodas. I HAVE ALWAYS WANTED TO SHIT ON A PAGODA!
“What kind of dragon looks like a flying terrier? Answer: a shitty one.”
I give up. I will never write a sentence as clear, beautiful and true as that one.
I quit.
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I too am moved by it’s simple elegance.
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TBINNS! Concentrate! Focus!
~Cracks Binns shins with meter stick~
Your focus on the perception of impossible is wasted energy!
~further shin abuse~
Write dam you boy! WRITE!
Let your imagination soar like Capitan Kirk riding a winged camel! WRITE!
~shin crack!~
You are one with the page! You are a the conjurer of worlds and the destroyer of void! WRITE!
Let the literary spittle flow forth from your brainy womb!
WRITE!
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Owwww. cut it out.
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WRITE BITCH!
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Owww! Fine. Harley Quinn Casting Couch?
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Yes…
MORE!
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