Far from being a Hallmark holiday, or relating to the death of some guy by some tigers or something, Valentine’s Day has a noble history.

Deep in the Mines of Moria, during the splendour of the Second Age, The dwarves carved out enough mithril to forge the Soup Tin of Gor Daleth. This Soup Tin, it was said, when soup was pored forth from it, caused an enchantment. The drinker of the soup would be overcome by a warm fuzzy feeling, such that he might feel a compulsion to make a home with a fair maiden, and begin a family. While this type of enchantment sounds Elven in nature, the elves had long since forsaken the eating of soup, because it was “too spicy”. Soon the dwarves had figured out a way to bind all the soup tins in Middle Earth together, and they made the Mithril Soup tin to rule them all.

Sauron, before forming the one ring, was way into this Soup Tin. WAY. So he popped by to check it out. The Dwarves were distrustful of him, because he had been the lieutenant of Melkor during the first age, but also because that dude Sauron was always pocketing shit at house parties and he was a major drag.

Perhaps unsurprisingly, Sauron perverted the power of the Soup Tin, and instead of it filling men with warm, fuzzy feelings of love and family, it turned all the women of Earth against Rob.

Up yours, Sauron.