Dear Correctness Readers:
Since the addition of our new intern, Smunchy, or whatever his name is, I have been soft pitching him awesome ideas for your comedic enjoyment. Like, underhand soft-pitching. “Hey, Krunkles”, I have been saying about the office, “here are some amazing ideas to base an article around. All you have to do is stir and enjoy!”
“I’ll get right on it!” Blumpie would say.
Here is a list of ideas that Ringo has totally neglected to turn into articles for you people.
1. Mumford Cuthbert’s Comfort Cupboard
It’s a mattress store. The proprietor is named Mumford Cuthbert. It sounds a bit like “comfort”. The tagline for the hilarious advertising is “It’s Mumcomfortable!”. How the fuck is this not funny, Benji? Are you too busy having your sexual sex with your female human girlfriend to write this script? Disappointing.
2. A Case for: Covington Cross
Nobody remembers this show. It was a medieval 1hr drama. I am certain it ran 6 episodes. Incidentally, I used to love it, when I was 12, because there was a hot redhead and sword fights. Who doesn’t like that? It turns out everybody hates that. In any case, It turns the whole “A Case for” thing on it’s ear. I am intensely concerned that you can’t make this amusing.
3. My New Name pt 2:
It’s easy to write an article in which you come up with new names for yourself, and then rule them out. Top of my list lately is “Lickety Dicknuts”. You don’t even need a joke, just try introducing yourself quite seriously at a party as Lickety Dicknuts. Do it without a smile on your face. Come on, Bungee, all you need to do is come up with a list of amusing names. How hard can this be? Are you so occupied driving your motorcar to your blowjob dates that you can’t type up a list of fucking amusing names? Here are 5 more, right off the top of my head:
EASY, BENJI! IT’S FRIGGING EASY!
4. 5 Things We Hate About List Articles:
The other more successful sites do very funny “list” articles. If you wrote this article just right they would be unable to continue, due to our incisive satirical tribute. It would be like what Sean of the Dead did to zombie films. It’s postmodern! Just get typing!
Splooshie, I am so disappointed in you. You have an easy job, get your ass in gear. I’ll be at your mom’s house, having the sexual relations with her.