Monthly Horoscopes For May 2010
Looking for the answers? Well they are here! Vague as ever, yet somehow magically tailored for you and your swollen nuts! The month of May will be tricky for many signs in the Zodiac, because even if you are a girl, you will have swollen nuts. Please enjoy our prognostications, and remember: If you heard it on the internet, it’s probably true.
You are a fire sign, and a ram. Our regular readers know how much I fear goats on bikes, but flaming goats fill me with a similar dread. I would rather be anything other than a flaming ram. Like, if somebody said “Would you like to be a medical spoon for manually clearing constipation, or a flaming ram?”, I would choose the poop spoon right away. I predict you will almost certainly die, if not this month, then someday. Perhaps someone will extinguish your fiery goat wrath in the cold seas of regret that Leo has going this month. Might be a good month to kneel before Zod.
You are another barnyard terror with horns. At least you feature prominently in Bugs Bunny cartoons, unlike those flaming goats. If somebody asked me whether I’d rather be a flaming goat, or a hat-dancing bull,- That isn’t even a question. Like, it’s not even a decision. It is spring in the fields, and for you I predict thawing poop smell will waft up your nostrils at least once this month, maybe twice.
You are twins named after a Canadian Television writing award. The Gemini sign has been around since 1986. Previous to that, there was not enough going on in your sign to warrant an awards ceremony. This month, it would be inadvisable to buy a car you can’t afford. Instead, spend that money on treating yourself to a small reward, like an ice cream sandwich, or Canadian television writing award. Buy a car you can’t afford next month, it will be somehow okay then.
Listen, crustacean, I hate giant crabs. Remember the Dark Tower books? And Roland ends up on the beach with those clicking giant crabs? clickity click clack! Crab or no crab, you have the most bum-luck name in the zodiac. Who the fuck wants to be cancer? Certainly not me. I know a few very beautiful girls who are cancers, and coincidentally, they are also metaphorical cancers. This month, I predict you will be an insufferable crabby crab, and then give everyone cancer. At least one person you know will at some point get cancer, at some point in their life, and guess what? It’s YOUR fault.
You are a big ol’ cranky butt lion. Look at your cranky butt! I just wanna cuddle you, then mount your head to my wall, HARD. This month will bring possible misfortune to Leos. Why not totally rethink your life? It is entirely possible that everything you have ever done is a horrible mistake, and your whole existence, career, marriage, children, family, are mistakes, mistakes, mistakes. Your life is an intractable nightmare of unending error. A vast oceanic abyss of despairing failure. How you got things this badly screwed up is a complete mystery to me. What the fuck did you do? You cranky butt lion you. C’mere for a cuddle, then, I’m gonna mount your head so hard, you will feel like Jesus.
Virgo. Virgo virgo virgo virgo. The word has lost all meaning now. Virgo. What is that? What is a virgo? It sounds like a poorly built Renault from the late 70’s, introduced during the first energy crisis. Apparently you are a virgin. Are you? I guess if you are on this website you probably are, just like me. In fact, they should change it from “Virgo the Virgin” to “Leonard who had sex that one time in 2003 with a really pretty girl one night, and then she disappeared”. This is a bad month to make a property investment, or any large investment. I’m not saying that because the economy is shit right now, I’m saying that because the stars tell me so. Might be a good month to kneel before Zod.
Striking a balance between work and home is a good idea, but this month, why not throw out your usual balanced routine? The stars demand that you either quit your job or leave your spouse. Better yet, do both. It also looks like a good month to make a significant property investment. If you do invest, do so before you quit your job, as you will never qualify for a mortgage after you quit. Rest assured though, if you do qualify and have your mortgage approved, you can abandon your job DAY 1 after you get your house, and they’ll never find out. I’m confident that you didn’t just read Virgo’s horoscope, in which I informed them that this was a bad month to invest, and if you did, you can just pretend that I did it because you are different signs, even though the economy is equivalently awful for all star signs.
There sure are a lot of arthropods in the zodiac. If you fought the mammals, you might lose, unless we exclude humans. If you were the same size, or bigger than the humans though, you would win, because giant multi-legged things always win. Anyway, you are a scorpion, and that’s what your personality is like. You like to hide in shoes and murder the anaphylactic. You scorpionpants (as we experts in astrology know your sign) have a busy month to cope with. Try getting some fresh air, or freshing some get air. Or, try airing your get fresh, or just stay in and watch snuff films.
This month, try to be easier to spell.
I used to love capricorn on the cob, but now it bothers my tummy. Too starchy, I think. I know some people blame that on GMOs, but that is not likely the reason. I mean, when people were hybridizing plants, or cross-pollenating, them, a full 50% of the genetic material was being randomly exchanged! Think about human babies, you are risking 50% of how your kid will turn out on another flawed, imperfect human. You can’t tell me splicing in some fish DNA so your kid ends up with shinier hair is more likely to be harmful than having sex with your ex and getting pregnant, especially when you already know they have a genetic predisposition to be an asshole.
Well, the dawning of your age came and went, and now what? Things look the same as usual, and hardly any long haired hippies danced around your house and were naked and beautiful in your huge yard on a mild summer day somewhere in the US. Did they dance beneath the oak tree your great grandfather planted? No. Did you prevent cancer? No, Every year a whole month of cancers are born. The space program is a joke, there are no aliens, we are killing thousands of people in wars that don’t make any sense, the environment is ruined, your supposed age suck assballs. It sucks balls dipped in ass. This is all your fault. Why not kneel before Zod?
Two fish? Really? I hope you don’t have to fight the giant arthropods, even if they are butterflies. There is really nothing like a giant bug staring you in the face, trust me. I know of which I speak, I’m a werebug, and every full moon I become a moth that flap-flap-flapfuilly tries to destroy Tokyo. WEREBUG!. Anywho, I’m a pisces, you know, and they promised me this amazing year. “You’ve been shit on long enough”, they told me. Well, they are dead-assed wrong. I am promising you more of the same, and the inevitability of your lonely death. Consider kneeling before Zod.
Nobody, but NOBODY has any idea what to do with you guys. To be sure, you are the 13th sign of the zodiac, but you forget that astrology is not an actual science with actual facts. Somebody said there were 12 signs, and they all behaved in predictable fashions based on their date of birth, and then somebody else said “Hey guys, did everyone forget about Ophiucus?” and astrologers all over the world promptly ignored you people. It’s like discovering a whole new gender- what the hell do you do with a whole new gender? How do you generalize about a new gender? Hell, I’ll just tell you what’s going to happen to you this month. Ophiuchus men will get one of those terrible cramps in your prostate- you know the ones I’m talking about? Oh man are those the worst. Ophiuchus women will grow a prostate, and get cramps in them. If you are concerned about the number of women growing man-parts in May, in general, then I would take it up with Zod, who you should kneel before.
Looks like quite a few of the signs will be considering kneeling before you this month. Those that haven’t been explicitly instructed to do so, you should remind with the full force of your will.