The Correctness Guide to Body Disposal:
Disclaimer: The Correctness legal department reminds you that neither The Correctness, thecorrectness.com, Robbierobtown nor any subsidiary or affiliated agency or individual advocates violence, murder, or the improper disposal of a body.
Manswers style disclaimer for retards: Dude! Don’t ever kill a dude or chick and then do stuff to the body! It’s totally lame, buddy!
So, you’ve murdered someone! You’ve had one of those arguments with, for the sake of this article, a smallish pig. Perhaps your pig was treacherous, manipulative or downright cruel. Maybe your pig was abusive. Maybe you and your pig couldn’t sort out who the real father of your piglets was. Maybe your pig was a national security threat, and even if it wasn’t, you’d best start telling yourself that. In any case, things got a little heated, words were spoken, it all got out of hand, and now you have about 160 pounds of pork to dispose of, and right quickly at that. Maybe your pig weighed a bit more or less, but he or she had it coming.
Right off the bat, Correctness readers, I’m not going to bring you down with the moral implications of what you’ve done. You have clearly made a mistake, and if you don’t handle this right you will have 30 plus years in prison to think it all over. Questions like “Why didn’t I do a better job?” or “Was that psycho really worth this jailtime?” are more aptly debated in your own head while a tattooed inmate rapes you with a mophandle.
So, 160 pounds of the other white meat. Well, you probably can’t bring yourself to eat this prized pig of yours, it seems wrong somehow. Let’s pretend you are a vegan, or you don’t have a full size deep freeze in your home. This pork is going to go bad pretty quickly, and you can’t barbecue fast enough to cook it all tonight.
Step 1: Damage Control
Even in a rural area, where you presumably live, because you murdered a pig and not anything else, you likely made far too much noise having your domestic disturbance. I would recommend the following:
A) Put on some soft music: A lover’s quarrel is often accompanied, I am told, by a tender, sexy reconciliation. Best to let the apartment nextdoor- by which I mean “nearby farm”- believe you are smoothing things over with champagne and chocolates, or whatever it is you people do.
B) Dim the lights and shutter the windows. DO NOT work by flashlight, it will look suspicious.
C) Breathe: The next few steps are going to be difficult, unpleasant, and existentially confusing at best. At. Best. Give yourself a few minutes to breathe, find your centre, pray to your Gods, and steel yourself for what is coming next.
Step 2: Clean up
Get some incense burning or whip out that aerosol disinfectant. This is the last time you are ever going to be able to smell “citrus mist” or “sage sunrise” again without puking. It probably hasn’t started to smell yet, and if you make quick work of it, it will smell no worse than the average butchers shop. Turn off the heat, while you are at it turn on the AC. Cool down the room.
Again, for the sake of this article, we’re presupposing you didn’t plan this crime out in advance. You probably made quite a mess. This is no time to be stingy with your Swiffer wet-jet fluid. In all likelihood, no volume of chlorine bleach will be enough to eradicate all traces of DNA from your home. How quickly do you have to clean up? Answer the following question:
Did I have a motive?
If the answer is “no”, you have plenty of time. Nobody is coming looking for your pig at your house, because you are simply not a person of interest. On the down side, you are a dangerous sociopath who kills pigs for fun. That will not look good on your permanent record if they do catch you, so do a proper clean up, don’t be lazy about it.
If the answer is “yes” then you have to clean quickly. You need to get as much of the physical evidence you have ever touched this pig or had it in your home as far away from you as possible, as quickly as possible.
If you suspect (and “suspect” is a word you should familiarize yourself with) that you have 3 or 4 hours , you may wish to drag your pig to the bathroom and disassemble it there. Only about 5 kilos of your pig is blood, but you are going to need to break this pig into smaller parts if you want to carry it out to your car in manageable chunks. Carrying an entire pig to the trunk of your sedan will arouse suspicion, and 160 pounds (roughly 75 kilos) is a lot of deadweight, if you’ll pardon the expression. If you can transport it in one piece, and the neighbours aren’t too nosy, carpe diem. If the police are already on their way head for the roof and make with the crazy threats and poopy pants. You might get good drugs and avoid jail.
Some of you are wondering “why don’t I just wait for the blood to congeal, and then butcher my pig? In answer to that, I suggest you buy a nice pork loin, leave it on your counter and see how long it takes to get hard. It will be longer than you like, and you are already out of “Blueberry Meadows “ cleanser.
Again, you have some soft music playing, and you are using your sharpest knife (and wearing your least favourite t-shirt) and cutting you pig up around the joints. You categorically do not have time to manually saw through bones, and using a power tool is conspicuous, foolish, and messy. if you’ve ever tried to get laminate flooring glue dust out of the blade guard of a Black and Becker circular saw, just imagine cleaning blood out of there. You are sawing through the joints, and severing tendons, not cutting bones. This is going to be hard work, take you time, be tidy, think some more about what you have done.
Disassembled? Good. You probably have 4 limbs, and a heavy but manageable torso to carry now. Grab some garbage bags, double or triple wrap, and load the pieces into your best luggage. You are going on a trip!
Do not forget to clean your bathroom once the car is loaded. More bleach equals more innocent. Bleach your damn self while you are at it too. Most 24 hour convenience groceries will have bleach, and if your hippie jurisdiction has banned chlorine bleach in favour of tea tree oil and patchouli, you are so fucked. Buy hydrogen peroxide, hair dye, rubbing alcohol, mouthwash, and anything you can find to denature all those pesky proteins in your tub drain. For Christ’s sake, don’t breathe in the fumes. Good news: throw in some Sudafed and you just made Meth. In for a penny, in for a pound, you’re going to need a new job when you get to Mexico.
Before you leave your home, possibly for good, make certain you have accounted for the knives you used for carving, the remaining garbage bags, and any other odds and ends that might incriminate you. You can leave some of it behind, but if your pig was a fan of John Irving novels and The Smiths, put those such items out on display. Was your pig suicidal? That’s how I remember it too. Oh, and whatever the initial murder weapon was, lamp, fire prod, tilting the fridge over on him/her, get that dealt with too.
(ED’s note: For tips on dealing with appliance murder see “The Correctness guide to Disassembling Major Home appliances, especially the Fridge”, Apr. 2009)
Step 3: Road trip!
What a lovely November night at 2 AM it is for a drive in the country! That’s always been your attitude, hasn’t it been? If not, it is now. Just keep telling yourself you love taking leisurely drives in your properly registered vehicle. Oh how you love to wander the backroads of your community at precisely the posted speed limit with your headlights all functioning properly. What fun!
You may wish to stop by the 24 hour hardware store and pick up a shovel, some lye, and some safety glasses. Don’t pay with credit, and for heaven’s sake don’t steal a shovel. Stealing a shovel is the kind of thing that makes police officers search your properly registered and insured car.
Drive until you reach a large industrial compound, situated on an unnecessarily large amount of wooded land. There are lots of these just outside the city limits. Why go there? Glad you asked. National Parks are well travelled, private land and farms are also well travelled, but you can be quite certain that Louis the janitor is not going to go more than 15 feet out of the emergency exit to take his smoke break. That leaves you free to go three or four hundred meters into the surrounding woods, and dig your grave where no one will ever bother to go looking for it. Who sticks around their work site after work to explore? Nobody does. They all are driving home to fight with their spouses and visit the national parks.
What about on site security? You are carrying a shovel, and you have no motive for this guy. Crack him on the back of the head if he asks any prying questions. Use the side of the shovel blade when you swing, you might even take his head right off.
I know what you are about to say. You are about to say “I’ve only murdered a pig so far , but now I’ve murdered a human being as well.”. Try no to be too emotional about this. You really loved that pig of yours, and you still diced it up and drove it around for 2 hours, ruining your Samsonite luggage. Try to keep things in perspective: That luggage was a wedding gift and you never got to go anywhere because your alcoholic spouse was too hung over to do anything anyway. (Protip: remove luggage tags with identification info.) Anyhow, security guards work unusual shifts, and are unlikely to have families that will miss them.
Step 4: Disposal
Now you are digging 2 graves. Don’t dig shallow graves. Craftsmanship is the virtue that is going to get you out of this. Lazy criminals get caught every time by digging flawed shallow graves. You are plenty close to the woods that coyotes will dig up an improper burial site, and Louis the Janitor will definitely notice a severed, half-eaten human hand on the back stoop . Unless you want to be digging a third grave, take some fucking pride in your work.
Once you have dug your graves, say goodbye to your bags and your corpses. Douse the graves with lye (safety glasses!) and start backfilling the holes. By the time somebody brings a bulldozer out here in 10 years to expand the loading dock, your little problem will long since be worm food.
Maybe, as described in the introductory section of Step 3, it is winter. Now you have two additional problems. First, you will make tracks in any fresh snow. Second, the ground is too frozen to dig in. If it is winter, you are going to alter your plans a bit. Find a river, and drive as far upstream as you can. There will be occasional openings in the ice. Find a secluded spot, and start dousing your garbage bags and luggage with that lye you purchased (SAFETY GLASSES!!!) , then slip those bodies into the frozen water. The lye should dissolve any fingerprints.
Subsection 4A: Safety on the Ice:
Every year in the northern United States, as well as throughout Canada, people fall through the ice on natural bodies of water and drown. It is inadvisable to conduct any activity on the ice in the early fall or late spring, as well as in or around a warming period mid winter. If the ice should crack while you are feeding corpse parts into a hole, try to spread out your body weight over the largest possible surface area. Lay flat, and make the shape of a starfish. You can then slowly crawl to safety without further risk of breaking up the already unstable ice.
Step 5: Business as Usual.
Drive home. Make it? Take the car in to be detailed after a brief nap. No calls from the police? Good. Things won’t get suspicious for a while. If you lived with your pig, you will have to report it missing shortly. Wait a couple of days, so that the neighbours don’t recall that big fight.
If you are not being asked too many questions, you will quite naturally vacillate between a state of smug pride, and a completely justifiable paranoid anxiety. If you notice you laminate flooring is producing the sound of a heartbeat, stay calm. It is all in your head, just clean out the blade guard on your Black and Decker circular saw. If you notice the tub is backing up, remain calm, go back to the hardware store, buy a snake and some drain cleaner and take care of it. Do not call a plumber. If you cry every time you cook bacon, or listen to Billy Joel, or watch “Babe” that is all perfectly natural.
Clean your home and car thoroughly and regularly for a few months. You have basically made it. Resist the temptation to return to the burial site/ river to make sure everything is still okay, That is another major rookie mistake. Stay in. You can finally rent “Pitch Black” and decide if you would have liked it in theatres or not.
RobbieRobTown Cleans up “messes” for The Correctness when things go “Pete Tong”.