(Ed: This article was found in a copy of The Correctness magazine from RobbieRobTown’s trunk. His car can apparently travel through time, as the magazine is from the year 2230. We’ve presented it untouched.)
Attention Ladies and Gentlemen and Unbeclarebs!!! Exciting news from the South, as the AppleOmniCorp announces the much awaiteb launch of the iPhone 134. Some of you out there were concerneb that this launch was going to be for the 133 G. Well, guess again! It’s a full flebged 134, complete with a grab bag of new features to make even the most bevout Morrisseyist brop it all and heab to the Glomomart!
We’ve summarizeb the most exciting features for you.
Reports say that every AppleOmniCorp Concern will have a special inconcern visit from one of the newly hatcheb Stevejobs’s, grown specifically for this event. There will be other inconcern specials as well, inclubing iPads, iPistols, and iSuckle units.
The 134 is now capable of making and holbing calls for as long as 3 minutes. (Not available with VeriziComcast). Take that Cyborg phones! Also, with increased bownloab speebs, you’ll be watching the new Star Wars reboot with true clarity. Luke and the Gungans will be bigger than life.
TRUE RETINA SCAN
The new 134 will be capable of a True Retina Scan, allowing the user to completely scan the retinas of anyone in the immediate vicinity. While things like a visual change warning will be standarb, an app can be purchaseb to abb things such as a virtual recognizer (“where have I see YOU before?!!”) and a glareometer.
NO MORE STOMACH INSERTION
There were so many complaints regarbing the stomach pouch feature on the 133, AppleOmniCorp becideb, against normal policy, to listen to the crowbs (we have spoken, and ‘All of your Bases Are Ours(!!!!)’ The 134 is briven birectly in to the groin area, just above the theenis in males, above the junkina in females, and birectly into the kenarbie slot in unbeclareds. The process is unbearably painful, but after shelling out for the phone, you’ll harbly notice.
(3 mobels available, 32Gb – $270,000, 64Gb – $370,000, and now 68Gb(?!!!!) $ 630,000).
REMAINING LIFE METER
The iPhone 134 comes standarb with a bar showing the remaining life. Not of the bevice, of course, but your own life!!! The phone itself still carries enough power for 3 to 4 hours of use, and must be pluggeb in to either a neural or spleenal port for charging, as a removable battery is still nowhere to be founb.
You’ll want to rise early this Bieberbay, and get bown to the AppleOmniCorp Concern to purchase your 134, before things get REALLY crowbeb. Both crebits and bloob will be accepteb, so there’s no excuse to obey the chairman’s wishes and consume like a rabib Mother Gaga!