Dear Municipal Government:
Thank you for the letter you sent me from the Subdivision and Development Appeal Board. I received your letter regarding a meeting on April 16th. I see the letter is dated April 1st, and you will be glad to know I received it on June 17th.
In any case, despite having missed the meeting which you have scheduled for 2 months ago, I thought that it would be advisable to share my opinion. I will forward this letter to you in 2 months, in deference to the time that your “process” seems to take. I wouldn’t want to overwhelm you. I like your folksy style.
You have been kind enough to notify me of a “change of use” application for a development permit on a new liquor store. I see they propose taking over 2 bays of retail space in the building which they have selected. I thank you in advance for awaiting the delivery of this notification 2 months late, and for anticipating my feedback in your as-yet-to-be-made final decision.
I think that we desperately need another liquor store in the densely populated uptown region of our city. There are no fewer than 5 liquor stores in a 4 block radius of my house, and I think another one is just the ticket to help reduce the number of drunken hobos raiding the recycling bins. Of course, you know I am exaggerating, firstly because there are no recycling bins in my community. You saw fit not to install them, lest too many drunken hobos raid the recycle bins for the bottles which build up from the easy access to 5 liquor stores in a 4 block radius. Secondly, you know I am exaggerating because I really mean a half circle when I say radius, as nobody, not even the hobos, would bother to cross 14th street (if there are more liquor stores over there, that would not surprise me.).
Furthermore, I suspect the franchisees, as well as private owners of the nearby liquor stores are excited to see more healthy competition for a limited market of alcoholic condo dwellers who are unwilling to travel more than 1 block to purchase their wine and spirits. In my building alone, the board has demanded the eviction of well over two people in the last year, all of whom have taken their wild abandon at least as far as the other side of 14th street. This means that in my building, out of which one could easily piss on the nearest large liquor store (and on which vagrants frequently do), the customer base for yet another emporium of booziness is still in the high zeroes, maybe into the low ones.
Not to belabour my point, but I also think another liquor store is a great idea because besides the 5 liquor stores in a 4 block radius of my house, there are virtually no pubs or restaurants that are licensed to serve alcohol. I reiterate: Virtually none, save only about 7 pubs and 25 more restaurants in the same 4 block radius, where a thirsty wanderer could satisfy their need for a frosty and fortifying beverage. I have not counted nightclubs, as they are open at inconvenient hours for early morning drinking.
In any case, felicitations on your commendable planning. I am glad I live in a city that cares about good business practice, recycling, discouraging alcoholism, and preventing homelessness. Mine is not a callous town that values the number of parking stalls per bottle of rye. By the way, how many parking stalls do I require to sell a bottle of rye? I was considering opening up a liquor store.
I heartily endorse a new liquor store. If of no further advantage, it would at least give the crack whore who turns tricks beside my building someplace to buy Alberta Ice Vodka to numb her emotional pain and sanitize her crotch and hands.
P.S. You have heard correctly, I do not drink, but I do stockpile bottles to make molotov cocktails with, in the event of a zombie apocalypse. Stockpiling also reduces my guilt for not having a place to recycle, and reduces the number of wealthy hobos who would become zombies in the aforementioned zombie scenario.
P.P.S. I am aware that you must fear hobos becoming extremely rich from bottle picking. But just as Horatio Alger would have wished, their only desire is to save enough money to open another liquor store that caters to the needs of their friends.
P.P.P.S. I am also aware that Horatio Alger was rumoured to be a pedophile, but this does not devalue his immensely informative body of work which frequently featured young ne’er-do-wells overcoming adversity and rising to the top, presumably rising to the top of Horatio Alger’s penis. He was a classy fellow. Unitarian Minister, you know. Not even Catholic.
P.P.P.P.S. I am not implying that hobos are pedophiles. I am implying that people in positions of authority, like some authors, or some members of the municipal government, are statistically likely to be pedophiles. Catholic priests are at a 1:1 ratio, roughly.