No More Heroes Already
It’s no secret that I’m a big fan of superheros, and comic books. Also, love going to movies. But I’ve come to a conclusion, one that might seem incredulous or shocking on the surface: Hollywood needs to stop making superhero movies.
(Scapulaman, possibly the next big superhero film?)
Maybe not entirely, but 94% of the projects in development should just be scrapped. No Avengers, No Iron Man 3, No Thor, No Spider-Man 4. No prequels, no origin stories, nothing. We’ll let the 3rd Dark Knight movie go ahead, but after that, let’s ban them from Hollywood for another 5 years or so.
And here’s why: I’m getting sick of them. There’s too god-damned many of them. It’s like an ice cream sandwich. If you haven’t had one in forever, they taste awesome. You can’t believe you went that long without one. But if you then go on an almost exclusive diet of ice cream sandwiches, you can’t stand the f*cking sight of them.
The first stage of the superhero movie film is the rumors. The studio says they have a director on board to make Scapulaman in to a film. The internet lights up with every fanboy douchebag offering up their pearls of wisdom as to whom should play Scapulaman, which, while they all think they’re Einstein, usually comes down to “Nathan Fillion or Ryan Reynolds”. I have nothing against either of them, but they’d be the first to tell you they’re not the answer to all the questions Hollywood has to ask. The actual casting is released, and fanboys once again rail to the heavens about how terrible it is, or alternately, hold a Hawaiian-themed jizzfest about how Fillion was born to play Scapulaman.
Then we get those same fanboys proffering plot ideas, based on their favorite (usually the worst possible) story arcs from the past. If the film in question is Batman, it’s non-stop “Harley Quinn!!!!”, if Spider-Man, some paste eater will insist that “Maximum Carnage” is the only possible story (cuz Venom wasn’t bad enough!) They continue to whip themselves into a frenzy, such that when the actual story is decided on, they’ve already decided it was a bad choice.
The press starts covering the opening of the film, and we get either shitty, error-filled articles about Scapulaman, or lengthy interviews with the terrible actress they’ve chosen to play the “love interest” (kept to 3 scenes maximum). All of which leaves the public with a skewed idea of what Scapulaman is all about.
The film opens, and the fanboys go insane, because they “got the character all wrong”, or they “changed the storyline”, or “that ISN’T scapulaman”. And usually, it’s true, because the actual story wouldn’t have appealed to every possible movie goer, so they whipped it in to a smooth pablum. Now the general public is all “meh”, because the story is very lame. The fanboys are furious because the movie isn’t what they wanted. (or alternately, none of the above happens, the story stays true to the book, and no one but the fanboys see it: Case in point, apart from the changed ending (which was still faithful to the spirit of the story), The Watchmen.)
At the end of the day, very few superhero movies are handled well, fewer still actually jump off the screen. I’m tired of the crappy ones, and most of the proposed upcoming films just look f*cking terrible. Who asked for an Ant Man movie? Who? Anybody? No, no one did. Do you know why? Because Ant Man sucks, and the fans barely tolerate him in the comics. But some asshole movie producer, whose only credit is that he worked in the mail room, then blew his boss for 2 years, has decided that the intellectual property “has legs”.
Enough. Make movies about other stuff for a while, so that we can enjoy our ice cream sandwiches again.
16 Responses to “No More Heroes Already”
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I disagree with everything in this article except the words “Ice Cream Sandwich” and “Awesome”
Tbinns(Quote) (Reply)
You don’t think fanboys have jizzfests about superhero films? Or that we’re oversaturated to the point of blah?
admin_rock(Quote) (Reply)
In the “Fuck that I am PSYCHED to see the Avengers” kind of way.
Tbinns(Quote) (Reply)
Except that the Avengers are about 90% suck. Captain America: Suck. Thor: Suck. Iron Man: Suck (Tony Stark as played by RDJ, awesome!) Giant Man/Ant Man/Wasp/Small Man/Thin Man/Tall Man: Suck.
admin_rock(Quote) (Reply)
Captain America along with Human Torch helped pave the way for superhero comics, there is nothing suck about them.
Thor is a horrible character and the idea anyone can conceivably go up against a god is insane so I’ll agree with you on that one.
Iron Man is a boring character and has gotten way too big lately but he is great as a foil to Captain America so you gotta have him.
Hank Pym is an awesome character and is easily in league with Mr. Fantastic and isn’t as boring.
Crash(Quote) (Reply)
Raise your arms if you’re…AHHHH OH GOD!!! PUT IT DOWN!!! PUT YOUR ARM DOWN! OH GOD, MY EYES!!!
Tbinns(Quote) (Reply)
Hawaiian. Themed. Jizzfest.
Get your T-Shirts!
RobbieRobTown(Quote) (Reply)
Why do I hear Tina Turner singing… ‘We don’t need another jiiiiizzfest…’
Holly(Quote) (Reply)
Super hero movies need to exist.
REASON:
Super hero movies are making nerds cool. If they did not exist there would be a ghastly amount of virgins left on this planet. Thank you Peter Parker, for making the average comic book geek a whole lot sexier.
AMANDA BROOKE!(Quote) (Reply)
“Because Ant Man sucks, and the fans barely tolerate him in the comics.”
Have you even picked up a comic in the past 3 years? Hank Pym has been a huge character in the Marvel universe and has been a very big deal. In fact the fans loved him so much Marvel even handed him the Mighty Avengers title.
On top of this Marvel even started up other characters with the name Ant Man because the fans wanted him after he became Giant Man and Yellowjacket.
I’ve been reading comics since I was a little kid and I have loved most of the comic book movies that have come out. Sin City was great, V for Vendetta was even better, Spider-Man 2 was amazing, Kick-Ass was kick ass, Iron Man was wonderful, and the list goes on and on.
Also keep in mind comic book movies are nothing new. The Crow, From Hell, Howard the Duck, Judge Dredd, Heavy Metal, The Mask, Spawn, The Rocketeer, and many many more.
We have had superhero movies and TV shows since the 50′s what makes you think this is going to change anytime soon?
Crash(Quote) (Reply)
You’re not reading very well. My point was that when there are one or two comic book movies a year, they mean something. When ever other film is a comic book movie, it means nothing. It’s not special anymore.
And seriously, Ant Man sucks, and is certainly not movie worthy. That’s an accountant looking at intellectual properties and deciding what they think they might be able to make some cash off of. It’s CERTAINLY not driven by the fans saying “What this world lacks is a film about fucking ANT MAN.
admin_rock(Quote) (Reply)
How was it ever special when they made a comic book movie?
From 92-95 alone there was something like 16 comic book and superhero movies. That’s like 5 movies a year! You know how many superhero comic book movies came out in 2009? Two. Only two Comic book movies came out in 2009 Watchmen and X-Men Origins: Wolverine. That was it.
The number of superhero movies has fluctuated a lot up and down since 1990 but we by no means have a ton more comic book movies coming out now now than we did then.
Also I don’t really care if you think Ant Man sucks because the character is great and has much love from a ton of fans. There was a great number of people who wanted an Ant Man film and a great number of people are happy that they are taking their time and going to make it an amazing movie.
Crash(Quote) (Reply)
You know how many superhero comic book movies came out in 2009? Two. Only two Comic book movies came out in 2009 Watchmen and X-Men Origins: Wolverine. That was it.
Ummm Watchmen? The Spirit? GI Joe?
admin_rock(Quote) (Reply)
If you read I already said Watchmen.
The Spirit came out in 2008.
Also GI Joe is an action figure, not a comic. It only became a comic years later.
Crash(Quote) (Reply)
Admin Rock a ton of fail in this blog and comment section.
Reading between the lines though it seems like you have more an issue with the fanboys that complain about the movies? You should not hate yourself so much.
C.A. rules
B.W. rules
I.M. rules specially with RDJ!!!
Thor … Great character but should not be an Avenger though cant wait to see him and hulk fight
A.M. he’s the Scientist Supreme so rules
Wasp meh… though give A.M. someone to bang
was hoping for Black Panter cause that character is full of win. Maybe just because Wakanda is a sweet nation.
That just Marvel Studios. Sony needs to lose the rights to Spidey now and Fox is on extra short leash with the Xmen series. Mainly not because of stuff they are putting out (fingers crossed on Deadpool) but I NEED Wolvie and Cap in a WWII movie.
DC is just a bunch of fail in the movies other than Bats and maybe Green Lantern. Though Smallville is surprising getting better, was unwatchable but the last two seasons were pretty good. Oh and Erica Durance is on my short list for W.W. Though if had a timemachine only a few years it would be Mariska Hargitay of L&O:SVU fame.
Uncle Soondead(Quote) (Reply)
Posted on Dude, I thought I was the only geek out there man egnouh to admit that Quasar kicked ass.I loved the hell out of that comic.This must be why we get along.RIP Mark & Mike.
Hykarl(Quote) (Reply)