Hey Folks, admin_rock here. It’s come to my attention that it’s been a long time since we armed you with any new ammo for causing nerds to fight and argue. And really, it’s so very pleasing to sit back and let them have at, guaranteed entertainment for the entire evening, IF YOU DO IT RIGHT. Any ham-fisted, slack jawed noob can throw out a “Heroes Sucks”; and to be fair, that wouldn’t start a fight, so much as a tacit agreement amongst everyone in the room.
So, here’s a few more to keep your nights lively! Keep in mind, you don’t actually have to agree with the statment. It’s effect will be that of throwing a big meaty bone into Michael Vick’s living room. (ed: Michael Vick is Football player. He was arrested for being involved in a dog fighting ring.) (ed: Football is a “Sport”.)
Don’t worry, we’ll walk you through these slowly.
1) The X-men has sucked since Claremont left.
The X-men comic book began in 1963, created by Stan Lee and Jack Kirby. No finer beginning could one wish for. In 1975, after a number of changes in the creative team, a new X-Men team was introduced, and soon after, the writing job was given to Chris Claremont, who would make the job his own from 1975 until 1991, shortly after the relaunch of the book, arguably at the height of it’s popularity. Since his departure, the X-Men have grown larger and larger, spread over more and more books, and have an endless number of characters with an “X” in the their names.
Nerds will drool over the chance to not only discuss the X-men, but to stick up for their favorite team or character, whom will almost certainly fall out of the Claremont years. If anyone mentions Grant Morrison’s run, you’ll know the argument has gone “full retard”.
2) UFC is the closest thing on TV to gay porn
This one might not get the Nerds as riled up as the the others, but the sheer enjoyment of watching MMA advocates defend their beloved grope-fest is worth it. (ed: We’re not making fun of gay porn here, btw, it serves its purpose to those who enjoy it). Try pointing out things like the graceful way the “top” straddles the “bottom”, how even though they’re sweaty and tired, they still seem so happy, and how there’s less blood than you’d expect.
3) Tech Support workers are overpaid, and useless.
This one is clearly untrue. Most tech support workers make next to nothing, and they do tend to solve your problem for you. The joy in this one is watching those who take their job just a bit too seriously become livid and list out the intricacies of their job in minute detail, as though it were akin to national security. Stoke the fire by asking whether it’s okay to use “password” as your password, and whether you can load itunes at work.
4) The upcoming Avengers movie will suck balls.
You can say things like “The Avengers are a cut rate copy of the Justice League”. A group of superheros from the Marvel universe, The Avengers have been around for a long time. Now, over the course of a few years, Marvel has been introducing them in their own films, with a plan to culminate in an Avengers film. Will it suck balls? Who can say. On one hand, Joss Whedon is signed on to direct. On the other, there are a lot of parts to cover, and the success or failure of the next few movies will affect what’s up on the screen. Bad sign: Edward Norton is out as Bruce Banner. Good sign: Mark Ruffalo will reportedly play Bruce Banner. This one will keep them arguing for days.
5) Harry Potter books are for kids.
Hidden away in the middle of the list, due to being a few years past its prime, the Harry Potter argument will flare up like the Herpes of midwestern co-ed after a year in the “big city”. There will be wailing, disbelief, and the gnashing of teeth. You will be told, in no uncertain terms that “anything that gets kids reading is awesome”, that “they get darker as they go on”. Whatever, you’re not here to make a case for your point, some other nerd in the area will take care of that. The books were too damn long, and poorly written for us to care.
6) William Shatner is fucking awful.
The “nuclear” option, this one should be saved until later in the evening, when your favorite geek is about to snap. He won’t even know how to argue this, he’ll just be in shock that anyone could possibly attack his golden calf. For bonus points, attack Shatner’s recordings, and claim that he’s not relevant.
7) Android Phones are superior to iPhones.
Look, it’s pretty clear from Nerd Fight 1 that Apple fanboys will argue to the death the superiority of their companies goods. It’s also pretty clear that most people will, after purchasing any of these insanely expensive devices, find ways to justify and back the one they got. The important thing here is to keep the argument going when it starts to flag. Throw in comments like “why doesn’t Apple ever have expandable memory on their devices” or “Did you know ‘droid’ is a trademark of Lucasfilm?’ That last one could work as a nice crossover into “Episodes 1-3 were better than 4-6″.
8 ) All Star Batman and Robin is the finest Batman work yet.
Frank Miller went from beloved God of comic fanboys to an outcast after some of his hard right-wing jingoistic comments came to light. But even before that, he started alienating fans by publishing All-Star Batman and Robin, a gritty, in-your-face version of our beloved Bats. This Batman is arguably psychopathic, unbalanced, and dangerous. He essentially kidnaps Robin, forces him to stay in the Batcave without food or heat for days. Meanwhile, he’s out nailing Black Canary near the docks. The infamous phrase “I’m the god-damned Batman” came from the series.
The concept for the character is extremely contentious, and sure to start a Batman jihad, especially if you add some discussion of the recent Batman films in to the mix. Say things like “Miller should be directing the Batman films, then they’d be good”, or “Green Lantern must suck if he can be taken out by paint and a tween”.
9) Kevin Smith hasn’t made a good film.
There’s a ton of potential here, and we’re not just talking about Kevin’s weight! (pow!) There’s a camp of people who believe Kevin Smith can do no wrong. There’s another who see a string of average movies that tend to fizzle at the box office. There’s a third camp that are jealous that he’s living the ultimate fanboy life. Also, there’s a girl’s camp across the lake.
For this one, you’ll need to suss out where everyone stands on the subject early. Then, either bring up box office returns, or maybe Rotten Tomatoes scores to fan the flames. You can also take veiled shots at the films themselves by forgetting their names, and describing them vaguely: “What was that one where the characters talk endlessly about dicks?”
10) Comments on blog for nerds shouldn’t be allowed if they’re only “stupid hate”.
This one will take more work than most of you want to involve yourselves in. You’ll need to start a blog, write a bunch of articles that will draw in fanboys, get some of them linked to fark.com, then, after establishing that you will allow pretty much any comment to go unedited, suddenly announce that you’re annoyed with some of the comments, and claim that you’ll be suppressing any that don’t measure up. Oh, and then don’t suppress any of them. Throw in phrases like “stupid hate” and “cum-eating intern”. This will answer the question “is anybody out there?”. Watch as the argument verges on a free speech issue, while examples of comments previously allowed come to light.