Hello Fair Readers.
You know, my old name (which is not RobbieRobTown in real life, but actually Rob) is getting kind of boring. So, I thought I’d get myself a new name! I’d like a name that makes me seem super cool, like an actor, or a space dinosaur. I know what you are going to say. You are going to say “Hey, RobbieRobTown, you are an actor, and there is no such thing as space dinosaurs.”. You are wrong. I am an improvisor. Here is a list of suggestions, and some of the rationale for them.
New name 1: Ready Earlimart
This sounds like a combination between a kickass convenience store and a 1980′s efficiency expert. I love that nothing about this name seems trite or disposable.
New name 2: Speedy Steve Snatchcole
That’s a name with a built in nickname. It has the added advantage of having the word “snatch” in it, and that some of my ancestors may have been in the business of liberating “Coles”, probably in the WH Smith Uprising of 1873.
New name 3: Cundle Gundersnarlt
I’ve never looked up “Cundle” on Urban Dictionary, but I’m pretty sure it is something brave and inspiring, and not something you can pay for in a bus station bathroom. I think this new name sounds kind of Scandinavian too.
New name 4: Pretty Unicorn With A Braided Mane
This would be my native name. It seems fairly authentic to me, and it seems tough and manly.
New name 5: Donald Gravy Boatman
Donald always seemed like a cool name to me. I could be “Donnie”.
New name 6: Mook Ping
Admin_Rock suggested this name for a sherpa during an improv show. While arguably racist, because I don’t know what Tibetan names are like, this is still amusing.
New name 7: The Real Han Solo
Self explanatory. Who are you? Oh, glad you asked, I’m The Real Han Solo.
New name 8: Dick Wolf
Okay, this is a real guy’s name. the producer of Law and Order, law and Order SVU, Law and Order Underwater, etc. But what in Christ’s holy name is more manly than DICK WOLF. Hey, I’m 2 syllables that convey the idea that my penis is an intelligent bloodthirsty predator. DICK WOLF. It’s the “I’m the goddamn Batman” of names.
What do you think readers?