For Bren: Kirk vs. Solo

My nephew, Brendon is soon to become a father. He just bought his first house, and is thinking of applying his trade to his own business. When faced with the huge responsibilities of adulthood, one tends to turn thoughtful…introspective even. And then, you start asking the big questions. questions like…

Hey Uncle Tony Ummm…. Had a question which I am sure nerds have debated for for at least 25 years. Who would win in a battle Han Solo or Captain Kirk? I wanted to ask the vast knowledge of the Correctness but I dunno if there is a question section. Now if in question the Spock Kirk duel music is playing, no crowd, just a rancor to kill the loser.

Bren, I want you to know that you can always turn to me for advice in vital matters such as these.

The answer is: It depends.

If it’s a straight up fist fight? Well, I’d give the edge to Kirk. Who can withstand the might of the Hands Clasped Chop or the Awkward Drop Kick?

Gun Fight? Solo. Solo is a cowboy, you just aren’t going to outdraw him. Kirk would hit the ground before he uttered the phrase “Set to stun”

Ship to ship? Well there is no debating that The Enterprise is faster and outguns the Falcon massively. BUT The Falcon is WAY more maneuverable, I don’t think anyone would be able to get a lock on him. and if it’s a pilot fight between Solo and Sulu? Put your money on the guy who has out run Imperial Star Destroyers. Not the local bulk cruisers mind you, I’m talking about the big Corellian ships now.

Any tangle with Solo in his element is going to end with Kirk screaming “SOLOOOOOOOO!!!!” into his communicator and having it echo endlessly into space.

So if we do the math, that’s 2 out of 3 for Solo, so he is the Winner. But let us take this before the Correctness Council of the Wise before we raise anybody’s arm here.

Gentlemen?

DAVE: I can weigh in here, but it won’t be popular, or pleasing. Here it is straight up: I fucking HATE William Shatner. I don’t think he’s awesome, or clever, or funny in any way. ANY. WAY. Never liked him, never will. Calling him “The Shat” just makes be think of the past tense of pooping, which is pretty close to what his acting is. And don’t even get me started on his singing or directing, the past tense of which would be “The Vomat”. I guess what i’m trying to say here is “I fucking HATE William Shatner”.

The Original Star Trek is dear to many, but I suspect it’s mostly that kind of nostalgia that makes people think the Transformers were EVER good, or that an A-Team remake was in any way necessary. Really, it’s a pretty dull show, very dated (not its fault), and hard to swallow.

All of this makes it difficult for me to give Captain Kirk any credit. He’s a bit of a buffoon. He makes grand speeches, and waves his hands around a lot, and occasionally karate chops someone. Also, The Federation is the biggest bunch of goody two shoes going, about as incompetent as it gets. Palpatine could probably have just told them, “I’m taking over”, and it’s game over.

Han Solo on the other hand, has the whole Harrison Ford thing going for him. And Han has a striking resemblance to Indiana Jones, whom I admire greatly. And Han kicks a lot of ass.

No question, Han Solo in a cakewalk. Also, Han Solo as winner of said fight.

ROB:

I, unlike my associate Dave, LOVE William Shatner.  I love William Shatner in that same pseudo-sexual way that many men love James Bond in. I have read the Tek-War novels, I own a CD copy of “Has Been” and find his duet with Henry Rollins to be both funny and cool. But we aren’t talking about William Shatner, we are talking about James Tiberius Motherfucking Kirk.

James T. Kirk is the Batman of Star Trek. In fact, a fight between Batman and Kirk would be totally rad, let’s do that next week. New Smackdown Proposal: Anybody sacred versus anybody sacred. You will lose your shit we we do Santa Claus versus the Pope.

While the Federation is indeed a bureaucratic yawn, Jim Kirk is a troublemaker. Kirk has disobeyed the prime directive so many times, they might as well call it the sub-prime directive (Also acceptable punchline: The Second Derivative Directive).

But let’s get down to the metallic bulletin board anchors: If  your question Brendon, was “Who scores with hotter ladies”, then the answer is an emphatic “Jim Kirk”. There are websites dedicated to the hottest babes on Star Trek, and the hottest generally speaking have all been told the meaning of “Love” by our own Iowa farm boy and space jockey, Jimmy Kirk.

You, Brendon, did not ask that. You asked “Who would win in a battle Han Solo or Captain Kirk?” and a fine question that is. I assume you did not mean a sexy battle, because no number of Leias-in-gold-bikinis is enough to counter the immense volume of hot space tail that Kirk has tagged.

I love Han Solo too, though I never wanted to be him when I was a kid. I wanted to be Luke, because I wanted the force. Nonetheless, Han is pretty rad dude, and he says all the coolest lines with WAY more cool than Shatner could ever muster.

Han is by far the snappier dresser, and has a cooler collection of friends than Kirk. The number of times I hid in the closet to escape capture by the Empire as a kid should say something- about the Millennium Falcon and how cool it is, not about me being closeted, which is a rumour I don’t need further help with getting going…

Determiners: Han didn’t shoot first, Greedo never shot. Kirk beat the Kobayashi Maru. I haven’t had sex in nearly 2 years.

I love Star Wars more than I love my family, but my money is on Kirk.

13 Responses to “For Bren: Kirk vs. Solo”

1. Tomass says:

   July 9, 2010 at 6:54 am

   …So ….conflicted

   - head explodes -

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2. spcMike says:

   July 9, 2010 at 7:57 am

   You know RobbieRobTown, after reading your post yesterday I can completely believe you haven’t had sex in 2 years.

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   • Tomass says:

     July 9, 2010 at 8:58 am

     True dat.

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   • RobbieRobTown says:

     July 12, 2010 at 10:16 am

     PUPPIES ARE FWUFFY! FWUFFY WITTLE PUPPIES!

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     • Tomass says:

       July 12, 2010 at 3:11 pm

       What!? You’re being raped by Micheal Bay! Awe crap man, that’s horrible!

       You do know that shit will never come off.

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3. Iron Patriot says:

   July 9, 2010 at 8:31 am

   The Enterprise would blast the Falcon into a million pieces, which would be loaded into a makeshift cannon that Kirk uses to obliterate the fleeing Han and Chewie. Then Sulu walks up and stabs the crippled Wookie through the heart for funsies.

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   • admin_rock says:

     July 9, 2010 at 10:17 am

     And in the next episode, everything would be exactly the way it was at the start. Sulu is a pussy, he’d get his ass handed to him, even by a wounded Wookie.

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     • Crash says:

       July 11, 2010 at 4:52 am

       IDK Sulu was pretty hardcore in the The Naked Time.

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4. Tomass says:

   July 9, 2010 at 8:54 am

   OK I’ve found a way to cope with the above geek paradox (Kirk and Solo have inspired me). The rant must actually be about Scotty Vs. The Falcons Hyperdrive. The names must have been changed to protect the innocent.

   Winner: MR. SCOTT!
   Loser: Tbinns for hurting my brain with his real life Sci-Fi Kobayashi Maru

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5. tpiper says:

   July 12, 2010 at 11:02 am

   You’re forgetting the luck factor. Han’s life run’s around luck. It got him his ship, which will out run anything if he’s lucky enough to get the hyperdrive working. And he’ll stick around in a fight, if he can get lucky, either by getting some $ or or getting some from Leia. And of course he’s had his share of bad luck, just ask Lando.
   Where as Kirk was made a cpt, he didn’t win it. He also charges into danger, not sneak into it once most of the fighting is finished. And he always prevails.
   So would luck be on Han’s side again to help him beat the unbeatable Kirk? It all depends if Lando is close by or not.

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6. MesscanBandito says:

   July 15, 2010 at 2:29 am

   Next up Malcolm Reynolds vs Han.

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   • Auzgoth says:

     August 11, 2011 at 12:52 pm

     @MesscanBandito, Malcolm would wip both Han and Kirk, Maybe at the same time if his luck was with him! Hand to hand no question, Mal knows how to fight and he’s not above fighting dirty if he has to. With blasters Kirks toast, and its probably a draw against Han; once again Mal wil fight dirty if he has to, and from what we’ve seen he’s better at it . While Mals Ship is without guns, and realy outclast all around buy both the Falcon and Enterprise, he would never take them on without an Ace up his sleave. He’s got a ton of nasty little tricks and will use every one. He may win a ship battle as well, because more than either Han or Kirk he knows the value of fighting smart.

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7. Dog Breath says:

   August 4, 2010 at 1:58 pm

   I hate Shatner and Harrison Ford is cool but…

   Cpt Kirk never missed a clear shot with his phasor and Han hit one storm trouper with every 15th blast.

   Did Han punch anyone? Kirk used his fists more than his mouth.

   Han has no chance, it would be a more even bet with Kirk Vs Chewbaca.

   I have to envision Han Solo in a slap fight screeching like a twelve year old girl.

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