Every time I see someone with a bluetooth device in their ear I want to ask them if joining the Borg Collective was a worthwhile career move.

Every time I see a young women in a T-shirt that says “Guess” on it I want to scream “How the fuck should I Know?” or better still walk up to them and say “Okay, I’ll guess…Uhh…mid twenties, Twitters often, Facebook page features features pictures of you “playfully” sticking your tongue out and you have severe Daddy issues?”

Every time I see an advertisement for ET Canada I wonder which how many Ryan Reynolds/Rachel McAdams stories they can run, as they desperately try and find six degrees to whatever tenuous “Canadian Connection” there is on the latest Hollywood film

ANNOYING HOST Next on E.T Canada Brad Pitt is filming his new movie, and there’s a Canadian Connection, The Craft Services company is based out of Toronto!

CRAFT SERVICES GUY: Yeah, Brad eats right over there.

ANNOYING HOST: What kinda sandwich does Brad like? And was there any sign of Angelina? Exclusive behind the scenes access coming right up!

Every time I say goodbye, I die a little. That’s why I very often cut and run mid-conversation.

Every time I see a hot girl in a Superman shirt I lie to myself and imagine she is totally into comic books and actually knows something about them instead of just thinking the shirt looked hot when she saw it at the Rocket.

Every time I hear a comedian use “Roll up the rim” as a punchline I want to renounce both my career choice and my Canadian Citizenship

Every time I see “______: A Love Story” or “__________ : The Musical” in a Fringe Guide, I cross it off my “I’m going to see that” list. In fact, I think it’s best to avoid shows with colons in the titles altogether.

Every time a story starts with “Oh my God I was sooo drunk this weekend…” I immediately tune out and go to my happy place…Care Bears death match.

Every Time I see the movie “Signs” on TBS I wonder why beings vulnerable to water decide to invade a planet that is made up of 2/3rds water.

Every time I see someone in a toque in warm weather or indoors, my douche bag alarm goes off.