Dear Waitress at the Chinese Buffet

A Glossary of Terms that have yet to, but ought to come into everyday usage. Today's Correctness Glossary term: DEXTER : (DEXter) v. 1.) to harm, mutilate or kill someone who richly and deeply deserves it.

Dear Dickhole: All I was trying to do was buy a superhero T Shirt at a comic book convention. Let me recap our conversation for you: You: (plausibly friendly) Does anyone need a hand with anything? Me: Yes, actually, I could use a hand. I don’t suppose you have any shirts in a size small? You: (turning slightly) No Man, we never do, we just never – not at the conventions. Me: Oh. I see. But you have an online store, is that right? You: (getting douchey) Yeah, but you’ll never bother me there. Me: I beg your Pardon? You: (douchier still) I said you’re never gonna bother me there Man. Me: I see… You: (getting your shovel) Yeah, cause in the last 5 years I have had, like, 2 orders for size small stuff. Me: Look, it’s okay, I’ll move on… You (digging a trench for the battle): Yeah, and you know what’s wrong with you small people?

Randolph Holstershire the Third arrived in a coach precisely on time. He stepped out and tipped the driver ten percent to the penny- an amount which he had calculated using the abacus he was so rarely parted from. The abacus had been given to him as a gift by a Chinaman he had kept in his employ whilst he was on sabbatical in the Eastern Lands. Randolph couldn’t recall the name of his servant, but he did recall how best to use the abacus- for tipping. He also recalled a torrid night in Afghanistan, just he and his servant, naked and clinging to each other to create enough body heat to survive a mountain storm. It was that night he’d learned the secrets of the abacus, and more he would rarely say. Calculating a square root by hand takes dextrous fingers and delicate instruction to say the least, but thoughts of this kind were not relevant to his visit to Petticoat Manor.

Good news Correctness Fans! While our American friends are busy watching the same 45 seconds of footage of a bloody mattress in Pakistan tonight, I am dedicating myself to bring you live Canadian election coverage. I'm ready, I bought a bunch of snacks n' shit. You can get all of your news right here at the TheCorrectness.com. I assure you, great pains will be taken to be as accurate as I always am. I am legendarily accurate. Lots of people know me as the accurate source of the Green Lantern origin story, and now you can all get to know me as a trusted news source. A lot of you followed my gripping updates on Valentine's Day, and I can only hope to keep you just as engaged as I did then...