Dear Shoppers Drug Mart:

I was just about to go out tonight and buy some deodorant and some soothing ass-cream, when I had a small problem. I realized I was unsure which Shoppers Drug Mart store I should go to!

I was hoping, to save me some time, that you could help me select the Shoppers Drug Mart store located closest to me. There are, by my count, 5 of your stores within a 10 block radius of my house, and I believe a new one has just opened as well?

Also, perhaps you could assist me with another issue. I wore the same socks several days in a row this summer whilst on a long, ill-advised road trip, and it would appear that I am growing a Shoppers Drug Mart franchise (or corporately controlled subsidiary, I don’t actually know which) between my toes. Do you have a topical ointment for this?

In addition, I wonder if you could tell me which of your franchises is closest to a Starbucks? I would like to buy a strong coffee to test the efficacy of my soothing ass-cream, but I simply must be within 2 blocks of a Starbucks so I may apply my soothing ass-cream directly to their “pastries” pre-emptively.

No, I do not have an Optimum card.

Sincerely,

RobbieRobTown