While perusing through an issue of Tiger Beat Entertainment Weekly, which we extended our subscription to weeks before we noticed that it no longer cared about anything entertaining, we found an ad for a drug that claims to help you stop smoking. While The Correctness is 100% non-smoking, we noticed the ad itself was a full page, but the warnings and information for the drug took up no less than a two page spread. Amongst the usual info, we saw some pretty crazy stuff.

Remember, this is for a drug meant simply to help you stop smoking.

…if you develop any of the following symptoms, stop taking (we’re not going to share the name of the drug, because we like our current non-sued lifestyles) and call your healthcare provider right away:

thoughts about suicide or dying, or attempts to commit suicide
new or worse depression, anxiety, or panic attacks
feeling very agitated or restless
acting aggressive, being angry, or violent
acting on dangerous impulses
an extreme increase in activity and taking (mania)
abnormal thoughts or sensations
seeing or hearing things that are not there (hallucinations)
feeling people are against you (paranoia)
feeling confused
other unusual changes in behavior or mood

So basically, to stop smoking, you go bugfuck crazy. Because, let’s face it, what’s a little paranoia and hallucination when it can save you $10 a week! Assuming you don’t actually commit suicide due to the fact that those fuckers are out to get you. Whereas you used to be addicted to smoking, now you’re busy passing out from panic attacks, at least when you’re not trying to take the head off of the nearest person.

“What should I tell my doctor before taking (still not getting sued)?”

That you’re in the habit of taking drastic measures with consequences that far outweigh the problem. This company should look at offering a weight-loss pill that controls appetite by making the user unconscious, or possibly unable to control motor functions.

Oh, and there was a coupon for $30 off!!!!