An Open Letter to Emma Stone Regarding Our “Win a Date with RobbieRobTown” Contest
Dear Emma:
By way of introduction, my name is RobbieRobTown. Okay, actually, my screen name is RobbieRobTown, but my actual name is Handsome McSwashbuckley, or possibly Spacey McDinosaur. You can request my real name at your convenience, I’m just not posting it here, that would just be stupid- I’m a student teacher for God’s sake, so I really don’t want my adorable grade 1 kids next semester looking up my last name on the intertubes and seeing the kinds of things that either A) I say in the name of satire, or B) people say about me in the name of internet anonymity.
For manifold and complex reasons (Vrooom! Manifold!), I have only recently seen Zombieland. However, I finally did see it, in the Ikea-filled presumption that is my condo, and on the obsolescent format that is the Digital Versatile Disc ( I checked, the “V” does not, in fact, stand for “video”.). To help you imagine it, my condo is on the second storey of a concrete and brick structure, built to coincide with the invention of Don Johnson. The colour scheme no longer matches Don Johnson in any way, thanks to some quick thinking from our condominium board. Pink and avocado, Emma, it was all pink and avocado. Furthermore, to help you imagine a Digital Versatile Disc, it is a silver circle with a hole in the center and a blueish cast on the back- My guess is you’ve seen one of those, I just wanted you to have all the relevant facts.
My point being that I immensely enjoyed your performance- Immensely? A lot? A lot, and I soon realized I had also seen you in The House Bunny, in which you were very, very funny. I am an improviser, and I have seen some funny, and that was some funny. I have not yet seen Superbad, as I was not allowed out of my house for most of the last decade, primarily due to unforeseen circumstances and a series of comically bad relationships- In fact, have you done any cable television that I could watch in reruns? Maybe I’ve seen you on TV while I was dressed up and waiting for series of girlfriends to not come home. But I digress, again…I digress a lot. I am an admitted cross-digressor.
I note that you have not yet entered the contest we are holding on our comedy site to win a date with me. I suspect that it isn’t because you find me repulsive (as you have not yet met me, and I assure you I am not repulsive, per se…), but simply because you are not aware that we are holding a contest to win a date with me. Well, allow me to elucidate – Elucidate? Illuminate? Inform? Say at you. Allow me to say at you:
One of my fellow writers, the popular and productive Mr TBinns was slighted by a fan of our website the other day, in public. Whilst (whilst!) he was emasculated and disempowered as a self-actualized human, he discovered that I have an immense hypothetical female fan base. I repeat: An immense hypothetical female fan base. I remain dubious of this fact, and I would suggest that my limited, actual fan base extends significantly to gay men, for whose support I am eternally grateful. Additionally, I would go as far to say that my core demographic of supporters are women over 45 and girls under 20, both of whom like boy bands. In fact, while I understand that teenage girls see me as funny and harmless and therefore safe, I can only assume the over 45 set see me as innocent, and therefore deserving of being violated. Oh, the number of times I have been doing a “Moving Bodies” scene at some corporate improv gig, and a woman has simply dry humped me to the amusement of her cackling coworkers… but I digress… or do I… No, I do. If I had a nickel for every time I’ve been friction burned by silk and wool business casual, I’d probably have made a buck twenty-five by now. That means that has happened about 25 times, if you were counting, which, if you aren’t already disgusted and are still reading, you probably weren’t.
Returning once again from my tangential nightmares, I would like to personally invite you to enter our contest. While I’m sure it would deeply disappoint NotVictoria, who is our only contest entrant so far, I also have a hunch she would understand.
To clarify a few points, first, I am not asking you out. You are asking me out, by entering the “Win a Dream Date with RobbieRobTown” contest. If you win the contest, then I will gleefully go on a date with you. I will not suggest a location for our date, because it is your dream date with me. I will however say that I live close to Banff National Park, and in a city with a major international airport should your plans involve travel. As well, you should know that I don’t drink, so if you need to get hammered to get through this, then you should respectfully decline. Please decline in writing, or I will otherwise be awaiting your submission for a dream date with me.
Finally, you should know that I have retired from dating, and this contest is really the only circumstance in which I will come out of retirement- Though, let me add that if you say the words “rock show” or “waterslide”, I will be very, very intrigued. Hollywood is very skinny right now, So, I’ll fit in with my shirt off at this waterslide-rock show.
Oh man, wouldn’t it be rad now that Blur is back together to see them while in a wave pool? Or, Band of Horses maybe, though it’s not so much that they would sound better humid, only that I had kind of forgotten how much I like them until just this week. I’d love to see Paul McCartney, but it just strikes me that he wouldn’t play a waterpark. Actually, I can think of a dozen bands that would be really fun to see while skipping down the Slide-aconda ™ at 50mph, or something.
OH! Okay, if we saw Muse at a science center, that was beside a waterpark? I’m sorry, it’s your dream date, I’m getting ahead of myself, but seriously, Muse rocking a planetarium while some guy dips food in liquid nitrogen, that we then grill and eat at the waterpark? That would be one hell of a show. Better than GWAR maybe, whose music I dislike, but whose show is incomprehensibly awesome. They have dinosaurs, Emma, dinosaurs.
In any case, I’m looking forward to your entry. I hope you have a fun date in mind for us!
Sincerely,
RobbieRobTown
P.S. I note that you have twenty-five-some-odd-thousand fans on your facebook fan page who frequently request that you add them as personal friends. Rather than write something like “Wil U pls + Mii”, which I think you will agree is fundamentally meaningless, as well as difficult to type from a phone, I suggest that you can read my microfiction here: http://twitter.com/RobbieRobTown and that if you get through my privacy barriers, I will add you. Heck, become a fan of The Correctness on facebook. We have, like, um, less fan peoples than you, but that doesn’t mean our work is to be less respected. I’ll have none of that!
P.P.S: You can enter the contest by commenting below, just make up some fake email address. Contest closes August 1st.
P.P.P.S. One of my friends has already considered entering as “Fake Emma Stone”. While this is a touch mean-spirited, this is a contest, and whoever suggests the best dream date, no matter how fictional they are, wins.
