IN THE BEGINNING, there was The Eighties. And the Eighties were wrong in the eyes of The Lord, and the sinners who worked at American Apparel had been born in the 90′s, and they knew not how wrong they were to dress that way. And they knew not that pulp-porn imagery is creepy, and they knew not of how to work at a real job. The Lord looked upon American Apparel, and he frowned.
1. Yea, and the sky will crack, and fire will rain down, and those wearing retro non-prescription glasses frames from the eighties will be blinded immediately, and they will run in the streets and bleed from their anuses. For Vanity shall be the sin which ends the world. “Glasses are for seeing, not for fashion” sayeth The Lord, and The Lord shall say “Enough with the glasses, especially if you don’t need them. How about I give you all a bleeding anus disease?”. And so it shall be.
2. And the number of the beast shall be $14.99, and the v neck t-shirts will dive so low as to be purposeless to protect their chests from the horrible radiation. And those without the trust in the lord will bake doubly fast in their shiny stretch pants for they are reflective and increase the heat.
3. And there will be a plague of locusts. And the manager will give you a sour look, and point at a section where an item of clothing might be found instead of walking you over there to show you where to find said item, yea, though it is an item you wish to purchase. And the Lord shall say “Hey, nobody is hip enough to avoid customer service. My son died on a crucifix for your sins, what was so hard for you today that you can’t crack a smile? Your Mika remix CD is scratched?”. And the manager shall be slain for poor role modeling and douchebaggery.
4. And The Beast shall come in many forms. And he will be wearing a totally shapeless cotton dress. And The Beast shall look fat no matter how many belts The Beast may choose to wear. Even thought The Beast is normal sized, The Beast will totally look really fat, for realsies. And The Beast shall give you the worst service of all, because the beast has self esteem issues because the beast is surrounded by hipsters.
5. And the self esteem issues of The Beast shall be caused by the hipsters surrounding them, for they know not what power they wield over The Beast. And they shall say unto her, with their retarded bow ties askew, “Hey Bethany, I totally like that shapeless dress on you, but Brittany totally pulls it off better and she is wearing it today”.
6. And the Beast shall get all pissy, and yea, tho it offendeth the Lord, ALL the employees shall be pissy, and they will all be sexually promiscuous because they are surrounded by pornographic ad campaigns which depict young unhappy women looking like they are just wondering when the photographer is going to rape them.
7. And the ad campaigns will cause confusion amongst the men, who wonder if they are horny for skinny teens in shapeless cotton sacks, like some kind of weird morgue fantasy with people wearing body bags.
8. And the mannequins for the leggings will be a row of sticking-out asses like an implausible train-to-be-a-stripper class, and the misogynistic wrongness of the mannequins will raise the eyebrows of even the most insensitive of males. And the males shall start to feel uncomfortable, surrounded by the weird child porn and sexually more-than-suggestive mannequins, and The Lord shall say “Fear not, for I think that’s all a bit too far as well, and it gives me the creepies also”.
9. And The Lord will smite American Apparel, and he shall really smite it up. He will smite it like it’s never been smitten before. He will smite the fuck out of every last pair of assless pantyhose, and he might smite H&M a bit too, even if their stuff fits him.
So sayeth the book of Retail Rvelations