This week: It’s Sarah “You’re terminated, mister* (Edited for AMC)” Connor vs. John “Yippiekayaye Marty’s Uncle” McCLane. Who has the most metaphorical balls, and who will face Judgement Day?
To me, this is a battle about someone who is quite adept at running away from things (Connor) being pitted against someone who runs towards things (McLane). Which is the wiser course of action? Well, I myself come firmly from the “run away” camp, but I won’t denigrate Sarah Connor by suggesting that I too spent years in the Mexican desert training for armageddon. Once I spent a week eating Mexican dessert at an all-inclusive. McLane is a dedicated family man and civil servant who loves to run towards danger and put a stop to the dangerosity with bullets. There is something to be said for his bold style. One time I put a stop to something with bullets, but to be fair it was the sale of bullets for automatic weapons by signing a petition, so maybe I didn’t directly stop it.
I’ve never disarmed a bomb in a public park using jugs of water (scene famously written by Mr. Wizard), and I’ve never literally disarmed an android, and then been chased by the arm I disarmed from him. I have respect for both parties here, is what I’m saying.
The way I see this going down: Skynet turns the scoreboard in the arena into a scary robot that eats people, whilst simultaneously displaying a countdown to a new judgement day. Since there is a bomb in the scoreboard, John McLane runs towards it, and climbs inside and crawls around for quite a bit of screen time.
Meanwhile, Sarah Connor is trying to avoid being eaten by the Skynet/Scoreboard device. Luckily, she meets up with Cameron, a sexy ballerina terminator sent back from the future to protect anyone named John, and also to look like Summer Glau. She really nails the Summer Glau directive.
Those of you new to our site will not be aware that long before the invention of TBinnsing, I was writing lesbian fan fiction in every section of the site I could work it into. I have decided not to expose you to that kind of nonsense in this case. It’s beneath me, and just for the sake of example, It would look something like this, if I did it, which I won’t:
John McLane is occupied fighting inside the animated scoreboard robot. in the arena, under soft lighting, the following:
Sarah: I don’t know how I feel about killing another human for sport. It’s not what humanity is about.
Cameron: What is humanity about?
Sarah: Love, I think, at our best.
Cameron: I am not programmed to feel love.
Sarah: But you are programmed to learn?
Cameron: Yes, and to experience human life as fully as I can.
Sarah: Then let me show you love.
As the crashing and explosions continue in the background, Sarah strides towards the sexy android who is doing her best to look like Summer Glau (because that’s what humanity does, damn it!), and places a gentle kiss on her lips. For a moment, Cameron simply stands still, processing the new input, categorizing the sensations. Then, she raises her hand to Sarah’s cheek, and kisses back, gently at first then passionately. As the Skynet Scoreboard collides with the sprinkler system, Sarah and Cameron are drenched in a warm rain that seems to fall almost backwards in the strobe lights and fire. Their clothing, wet and purposeless for warmth, slides easily off their muscular yet feminine bodies.
In any case, it would be some trite bullshit like that.
Winner: Sarah Motherfucking Conner, because she fights future fucking robots, retards.
Loser: Me for pandering.
John McClane. Duh. Without question, or even the slightest hesitation
Those movies aren’t called “Die Easy” for God’s sake.
“Hey!” I’m pretending you are saying “Sarah Connor survived TWO Terminator attacks. TWO OF THEM!!!”
And she had help both times, once from Reese and once from an older model terminator. (The iTerminator 2 which did not have the liquefy app)
“Ahhh” you allegedly say, “Terminators are way tougher than Eurotrash pseudo terrorists.”
She’s pretty tough, but John McClane has taken out HUNDREDS of trained killers armed to the teeth, sometimes without his shoes on BY HIMSELF. No Reese, No Terminators…JUST HIM.
You could use and iClone device, make hundreds of Sarah Connors, arm them to the teeth and throw John McClane into the arena with them and he would STILL beat them all. Then when the building was about to explode, he’d get the audience out safely, and get blown 20 feet in the air when the arena blows up behind him, get up dust himself off, smirk and light a cigarette.
Asking him to take out one is like asking him to take out the garbage from under the sink.
Yeah, he’ll grumble, but he’ll do it quickly and efficiently and not even give a second thought about it afterwards.
Yipee ki yay Sarah Connor.
Because the contest was such a walkover, I’d like to make sure you get your money’s worth by padding my contribution with filler. Here are the top ten names for potential Die Hard sequels:
1. Die Hard with a Side of Fries
2. Die Hard Days Night (With cgi Beatles!)
3. Die Herd : (A computer animated kids movie about one lone sheep’s struggle to save the flock when they are held hostage by wolves)
4. Live Free, Die Hard, Pay Less
5. To Die and Die Hard
6. Live and Let Die Hard
7. The Die Hardening
8. God Emperor of Die Hard
9. Don’t Turn Around, Die Hardissar’s in Town
10. The Muppets take Die Hard
Winner: John McClane
Loser : Skynet, because if the machines were smart, they would have sent John McClane to kill her
This is the part of the article where, breaking with established patterns, and thinking about the fight and it’s possible outcomes. I know what you’re thinking “Admin_Rock, why not just post pictures of hot chicks, or make up something about radioactive Plazas? No sir, that’s not my gig. My gig is to be a little dull, mostly reasonable, and make smart ass remarks after the fact. So:
Sarah Connor is a survivor. It’s an established fact. She’s the mother of humanity, idolized by the survivors of Judgement Day. But like most idols, the facts rarely fit the story. Connor survived an attack by a T-800, that much is clear. But we know that she had help from Kyle Reese, without whom she wouldn’t have made it. Also with whom, she made it. In T2, she went to battle with a T-1000, a much more difficult foe. Which she single-handedly took down. Oh, wait, no, she had a T-800 to help. She did, though, survive that battle as well. She lost the third round to cancer, which we can’t really fault her for. My point, you ask? She’s a survivor. She knows how to stay alive. What she isn’t, is a cold blooded killer.
John McClane, on the other hand, is both a survivor, and a trained killer. It’s a good thing for Connor that her last name isn’t UbenConnergrammerplatz, or this fight would be over in seconds. McClane is a legend. His character was essentially responsible for starting, or at least revitalizing an entire sub-genre of the action film: the “One guy versus an Army”, and the “One guy trapped in a blank”. McClane is smart, fast, hard to kill, above the law, on deadly ground, out for vengeance. But he does make mistakes. He likes to walk through glass barefoot. Not the smartest thing to do. He’s an improvisor, he’s able to find a win in certain defeat, and make you laugh just before it happens.
So the horn goes, and Connor sprints for the weapons. McClane tries to race her there, but loses, as he’s out of shape. He mutters something about too many donuts, his reverie broken by gunfire , as Connor has started shooting. McClane hides behind the weapons post, talking to himself about how he talks to himself too much. A hand grenade rolls into sight, as McClane throws himself away and up, carried by the explosion. He pulls himself up on the platform, and ducks as another strafing run barely misses him. he looks over the edge, and catches a bullet, grazing his skull. “Good thing I don’t have hair anymore,” he says, and grabs his gun. “Time to die” Connor yells from below, as she lines up another shot. “If you say so, lady” McClane replies, rolling over as he places three bullets in a perfect triangle in Connor’s skull.
WINNER: John McClane
DECISION: John McClane
So John McLane survive yet another onslaught, even when the pg13 rating takes away his balls. You ask for miracles, we give the The. Correct. Ness.
Tune in next week as we bring you more of the first round action. Lara Croft of Tomb Raider fame vs Jeff, The Man With No Name. (Okay it’s not Jeff.)
Let er rip, boys and girls.