ACTION SMACKDOWN: Bourne vs Kirk!

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ACTION SMACKDOWN!

This week: James T Kirk vs. Jason Bourne and his whole identity! It’s a match made in Space Hell, where malevolent gaseous beings push you, the reader, around for 2000 words, and that’s just the comments section!

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The rules are simple, and can be found HERE.

 

RobbieRobTown:

Are you shitting me? This isn’t even a fight. Winner: Kirk, because he’s James T Kirk. The “T” stands for “Motherfucking”.

Fun Fact: James Kirk has his own spaceship, and he flies around and fights/fucks everything, sometimes both, at the same time.

Fun Fact: Jason Bourne flies around earth, on commercial airlines, and his girlfriends keep getting blown up.

Fun Fact: Kirk sometimes fights things that don’t even have physical bodies, and he fights lizard monsters, and makes his own diamond cannons.

Fun Fact:  Bourne was programmed by an American government agency to deal with anything, except for a crippling debt crisis.

Fun Fact: Kirk knows the sweet move where you link your hands together and hammer a dude on the back, which knocks him out for some reason.

Fun Fact: I have NEVER seen Bourne hand-hammer anyone, not even one of his girlfriends.

I hope Jason Bourne got some rest during “The Bourne Vacation” or “Harry Potter and the Boredom of the Bourne”, because he is going to need it.  The bell rings, and Jason Bourne is already at a loss because his writers needed him to be involved in some elaborate government plot that has been tracking him all over the planet for ages and ages, even though it took the US government 10 years to find Bin Laden. Bin Laden was in a “compound”.

Fun Fact: Don’t waste time looking for terrorists in homes, or apartments, or caves, they are usually in “Compounds”. Check the compounds first next time.

Anywhozle, Bourne is just narrowly escaping from some improbably complex, expensive plan to capture him.  That leaves Kirk free to give an inspiring speech which appeals to the creators of this contest to convince them that violence is not the answer!

“Violence is… not our…way! We’ve learned …to.. suppress our… animal instincts! To…feel caring, even…love for…those different from us!”  This means KIrk just opened the door to show any hot aliens who don’t know what love is what, uh, what love is. He will show them with his penis.

Bourne might be back on his feet, but Kirk would have already realized that there is no escaping this contest! Kirk probably tried to get past the force field, and walk through the weird, open-concept western town with the floating clock.

But what’s this?

Bourne: Hay Kahk! You lahk ahpples?

Kirk: There is…. something wrong with… the translator… I can’t… understand you!

Bourne: Ah Gaht the Green Chick’s nahmbah! How deh yeh lahk them Ahpples?

But then it’s over with one swift, awkward drop kick, and a weird two-handed back-hammer. Kapow! Bourne is out, Kirk gives another rousing speech about the constitution of the United States, and solves the debt problem. You’re welcome, America.

Winner: Are you drunk on Tranya? Kirk wins.

Loser: Will Hunting

 

James T. Kirk v. Jason Bourne

Kirk is Shatner. Let’s be clear about that. There will be no talk about Chris Pine in this.

I’m not a Star Trek guy. I liked the original series and remember watching it on CBC Saturday afternoons at 1 pm (my super power is that I remember the timeslot of every show I watched as a kid). But I don’t think I’ve seen all of TNG and almost none of DS9 or Voyager.

Bourne, on the other hand, is just out-and-out super awesome funtime cool.

To the arena:

Kirk has been here before. I’m pretty sure the episode was called The Arena. I guess that makes the “The Arena 2.” Or “Arena II: How can the same thing happen to the same Star Fleet captain twice?” Kirk’s shirt is ripped exactly along the seam on his shoulder. He doesn’t know how it got ripped, but what can you do?

Jason Bourne just wanted to be left alone. But here he is, and he knows what it will take to get back to … whatever he does between movies. Kayak? I always think of him as outdoorsy, but doing kinda quiet things. I’ll stick with kayaking.

On top of the pole are Kirk’s phaser and Bourne’s sniper rifle. That is where they will stay because these two are hand-to-hand experts. They start circling each other, sizing up their opponent. Kirk runs at Bourne and does a flying kick, knocking the assassin to the ground.

Bourne jumps to his feet and runs at Kirk, catching him in the stomach. Kirk uses his most deadly move, the double ax-handle to the top of the back. This fails to take down our memory-impaired competitor, mostly due to the top of the back is one of the hardest places on your body and not a nerve centre. In fact, it was probably the most useless move he could make against an opponent whose head is right there.

Jason steps back, his eyes go steely, then he moves in. And Jason hits and hits and hits. The audience has trouble seeing exactly what is happening because everything has gone all blurry and the arena cameras are zoomed in WAY too close to capture the action. Jason tears Kirk’s head off and spits down his throat.

Seriously, Kirk was ok, but Jason beat a guy near to death with a rolled-up magazine. And that bit where he took down an armed man with a hardcover book was friggin’ brilliant. This whole match was just a bit silly.

Winner: Jason Bourne, who didn’t even need his rolled up magazine which is totally the best weapon ever used in a fight scene.

Follow Keith on Twitter at CubReporterK and listen to his comic book podcast at www.wetalkcomics.podomatic.com

 

Admin_Rock

This week’s smackdown is going to be a tough one: for Star Trek fans. We have James Kirk, swaggering pussy hound of space, against a man who has been programmed, trained, and in every other way possible, trained to kill and not be killed.

First we have Kirk, who indeed has much experience in the arena of death. He’s fought his share of Gorns and Klingons, usually taking them out with rocks or found objects, and has always come out on top. He’s stared death in the face, cheated when he needed to, and even endured a seriously bad perm.

Next, we have Jason Bourne, or David Webb, or whatever we’re calling him this week. Bourne works, let’s go with that. Bourne is a man of constant sorrow, a loner, drifting through this world, trying to set right what once went wrong. He’s David Banner,Kwai Chang Caine, Sam Beckett all rolled in to one. He’s an expert with pretty much every modern weapon known to man.

So, on the surface, it seems like a pretty even fight. Kirk has the experience, Bourne the expertise. Kirk has a phaser, which might help him, if he can get to it. Bourne, well, who knows what weapon he has. It could be a copy of this month’s Elle. Or maybe a Satsuma orange. Doesn’t matter, whatever it is, it’s lethal in his hands.

So enough, let’s cut the bullshit. There is simply no way in hell that Kirk takes this fight. Bourne is an unstoppable killing machine. One guy tried really hard to kill him. He shot him a few times in the back and threw him in the ocean, which also wiped his memory. Not enough. Another time, someone blew his car off of a bridge, killed his girlfriend, and left him to drown. Didn’t happen. I’m willing to bet you could leave him in a room with a Queen Alien, and Bourne would walk out an hour later, smoking and eating eggs. You know all those Chuck Norris jokes you see on the net. They should be about Bourne.

Come on, he beat the shit out of a guy with a rolled up newspaper. Wait, you might have skimmed that too quickly, let me repeat: he beat the shit out of a guy with a rolled up newspaper. If you think a cocky starship captain with a sly grin and some weird ass karate chop is going to stop Bourne, well, you probably liked Voyager. No contest. The horn goes, Kirk runs for the weapons. Bourne slips beside him, and delivers about 14 kicks to the legs and face, putting Kirk out of his misery. As Kirk is reeling on the ground, trying to focus, gasping for breath, Bourne leans in and whispers “THIS is Ceti Alpha Five”, and pokes Kirk’s larynx out of the back of his throat.

Winner: Jason Bourne

Decision: Jason Bourne

So Jason Bourne moves on to the next round. Agree or disagree, but do so below. Share your love or hate.

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45 thoughts on “ACTION SMACKDOWN: Bourne vs Kirk!

  1. !WHAT THE EVER LOVING FUCK WAS THAT?!

    Kirks whole deal, the entire premise of his charter, is always winning versus impossible odds! Even if it means having those Klingon bastards kill his Son! He is the Kitty pride of this and every fight.

    Kirk Vs. Indy = Kirk whips out his snake and Indy passes out Kirk grabs his communicator and gets Scotty to teleport him into space.

    Kirk Vs. Snake = Kirk uses snakes lack of depth perception to kill him.

    Kirk vs. Ripley = Bangs her to death, takes off in the enterprise and nukes the site from orbit to be sure!

    Kirk vs. Mal = Has a pleasant yet meaningless conversation about some shit, steals Mal’s gun and shoots him with it.

    Kirk vs. Sarah Connor = Crawls in her panties, and snaps her neck mid coitus

    Kirk vs. John McClane = Beats him with a lame jump kick while screaming Miramony!

    Kirk vs. Bond = Challenges Bond to a battle of seduction with Pussy Galore as the target. Bond loses and shoots himself out of shame.

    Kirk vs. Ash = Swallows his soul… aka beams the Necronomicon into his brain.

    Kirk vs. Solo = Shoots more firsterer

    Kirk vs. Max = Bates him into a fatal mistake with a canteen of water and a jerrycan of gas.

    (OLD) Kirk vs. Lara = Shows her “something” old… Let the bonking murder commence!

    Kirk vs. MWNN = Grabs his iron chest plate and beats him to death with it “I HAVE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU!”

    Kirk vs. Rambo = Confuses him by asking Rambo “What would god need with a Starship?” Rambo’s head explodes ala Nomad.

    Kirk vs. “BEEEEEEEEEP” = Wiggles more than her big toe… TO DEATH!

    Kirk vs. “Matt Damon” = Talks his emo-ass in to a little ball culminating in the offer to put him on a nice quite little planet. Puts him on the nice quiet little planet, then uses Genesis (the band) to sooth his fray nerves… then incinerates the planet.

    Kirk vs. Kirk = See Star Trek Epsiode 71, Season 3: Whom Gods Destroy – Kirk fights Kirk

    Kirk vs. Kitty Pride = Kirk teleports a brick into her brain.

    • @Tomass, I briefly considered having Bourne get his copy of Tekwar autographed, then beating Kirk to death with it.
      But it might have encouraged people to read Tekwar.

      • @RobbieRobTown,

        And fuck if he’ll do it for fucking whales, he can always go back in time to fix this mistake. And no it’s not a special power it’s just science future (…fiction).

          • @The M-Daddy,

            I admit, IMO Kirk shouldn’t even have been included in this smackdown, he’s ridiculously over powered.

            Better choices would have included…
            Conan, Austin Powers, Riddick, Rocky, Strider, Harry Callahan, Det. Inspector Lee (Rush Hour), Martin Riggs, John Shaft, Captain Jack Sparrow, Zorro… ect.

  2. All three of you got this one wrong. RobbieRobTown least of all, because he get the winner right, at least. Sure, Bourne is lethal as all get out. Sure, Kirk is unreasonably successful with his method of attacking the most heavily armored part of the human body. Both are so unreasonably lucky, they make Bond look jinxed. Sure, in a fair fight, Bourne annihilates Kirk.

    But Kirk CHEATS. He cheats because he knows the universe depends on his winning. Why the Universe gives a shit about the outcome of this fight is unknown to me, but Spock will have told Kirk why. Also, Kirk cheats because he Really. Likes. To. Win.

    Also, in addition to his expertise at cheating, Kirk has GODDAMN starship overhead! As weapons go, it surely won’t fit on the pillar in the center of the arena, and I’m sure that the organizers have banned its use, and put up some awesome forcefield to keep out transporters, photon torpedos, phasers, and Spock’s advice.

    Let’s put those two together, shall we? Kirk has how long before this bout? Spock, or Scotty, have that shield set up to fail the instant the fight begins. Or more likely, Kirk screwed the inevitably female security chief in charge of the control room half an hour ago. You know this to be true.

    The only real narrative question with this fight is, does the Enterprise shoot Bourne with phasers, Scotty go for the transporter into deep space gig, or does Kirk have Bourne humanely transported to the sick bay so Spock can mind-meld Bourne’s memories back and heal his tortured soul? I vote for the third, because if you get rid of the whole amnesiac deal, Bourne isn’t really Bourne anymore, which means “Bourne” is dead, Kirk wins, and he doesn’t have to actually kill anyone.

    Not only does Kirk win by cheating, he cheats the very conditions of the win itself. That is a double cheat, the Universe is saved, and Kirk ends the episode relaxing on the bridge with Bones, sharing a very smug yet lame laugh at Spock’s expense.

    Q. E. F’n D.

    • @Doug Winship,

      Until this fight these inebriated scribblers have done nothing but screw up my bracket. They actually went back in time and dicked with the outcome of a fight just to keep me off balance. They finally get one “right” and you come along and prove it was actually me that had this one wrong when I set up Bourne as the ultimate victor. Well played, sir.

    • @Doug Winship…Holy crap, dude. I can’t believe you wrote that last paragraph — let alone that entire comment — and didn’t even mention the Kobayashi Maru. ;)

    • @Keith, also, I just re-read the rules.

      I’m afraid you neglected to outlaw the Enterprise. It isn’t a power or an implant or such. Sure you can argue about it, but in addition to his super-cheating skills (and super-boning skills) Kirk’s a pretty awesome rules-lawyer, too. He beat you in court on this, if he felt like it. (Even if the arbitrator from the firm specified in the contract wasn’t a hot, blue Rigellian she-being, which she happens to be.)

  3. So the rules of engagement forbid Kirk use of the Enterprise. What part of Kirk CHEATS is unclear? If he can cheat and drop that shield the organizers would still put up to stop it from intervening, he can order it into orbit regardless of said rules.

    He must. Save. The Universe!

  4. I’m with Doug on this one. Bourne may be able to kill Kirk with a depleted dilithium crystal on a stick, but cheating is Kirk’s super power. He’s already banged Bourne’s girlfriend, (No, he went back in time! Kirk’s not a necrophiliac, you perverts!) Scotty will have reconfigured the deflector array 15 minutes ahead of the impossible-to-beat schedule and Bourne is beamed directly to the brig under sedation. Spock wipes his memory, AGAIN, and sends him off to DS9 to be a new security officer.
    Kirk never has to pull out his double-handed chop, or even break a sweat, unless it’s for a dramatic close-up to show the tension, along with the tense background battle music. Instead, he has a bottle of blue wine, a handful of Viagra, and a date with the hot Rigellian security chief.

  5. Jesus Christ.
    Right when the buzzer sounds Scotty beams a pre arranged phaser to right beside Kirk, who, as Doug put so delicately…CHEATS. BY SHOOTING BOURNE BEFORE HE’S EVEN CLOSE TO THE WEAPONS OR HIS PERSON!!Then he eats an apple and overacts.

    I turn my back for ONE SECOND and the whole thing goes to shit..

    I am dissapoint.

    • @Tbinns, It doesn’t matter if Scotty four finger beams a phaser to Kirk at the start of the bout. Bourne has the newspaper he was reading prior to match and he rolls it up and beats Kirk like he was going through Pon Farr.

  6. Who the hell is this Doug guy? Does he have his Smarmy Guild certification? Is he actually allowed to post on the conditions of this match per union bylaws? I demand a formal investigation into this matter immediately.

  7. Start of fight, Kirk saunters towards the platform using his devastating eye contact and halting conversation to confuse Bourne. Bourne, who did not spend his childhood locked in his room watching a horrible attempt at a science fiction show, is momentarily confused as to why losers across the earth follow this guy instead of pursuing actual human to human contact or kissing girls. Kirk retrieves his most devastating weapon, the styrofoam rock, and hurls it at Bourne. Kirk did not plan on it being a windy day (there is no wind in space) and the rock blows away. Kirk goes in for the dreaded axe handle chop but when he raises his arms, his girdle snaps from the roughly 7000 PSI of pressure being put on it by Kirks latest beefy dinner. When bends over to fix it, his merkin falls off. Bourne could have killed him an estimated 894 different ways by now but instead chooses to merely let him bumble around awkwardly around and fall into the inevitable embarrassing decline that his life has become.
    Winner: Bourne
    Losers: Everyone who thought Kirk ever had a chance against any action star outside of whatever character Aston Kutcher played in Killers
    Other Winners: Girls that were saved from getting awkwardly hit on by Star Trek nerds because they were foaming at the zits in outrage over this correct decision.

  8. Is it possible for you guys to send Smackdown links to the actors involved? It would be fun to hear feedback from Shatner & Damon on this.

    • @Artor, We could certainly try. But judging by the Shatner photos that people paid $70ish for at a recent con, which consisted of Shatner sitting on a stool with the exact same expression in every single one of them, I suspect he’d not give a shat.

      Damon, possibly.

      Nathan Fillion, we just might convince to weigh in, if we can get him to see it (He’s up next week, I believe).

  9. I just want to take this opportunity to thank the mighty Odin for a return to RobbieRobTown being wrong. I mean, I guess the poor guy needs a win every now and then, but when he is on the right side of an argument, it makes me question my own judgement.

    I know all you canadians are all pleasant and polite to everyone but you want to know the one person William Shatner would ever be a dick to? Oh, it’s RobbieRobTown. You see, Kirk is a winner in life and well RobbieRobTown is the polar opposite of that. What’s the word for the opposite of winner? Oh that’s right it’s loser. Yeah, the guy who gets killed by a styrrofoam bridge falling on him while trying to stop the most boring Star Trek villain since V’Ger is cooler than RobbieRobTown.

    Speaking of things that are cooler than RobbieRobTown, know what else is cooler? Star Trek V. Yeah, muthafucking “Why does God need a starship” is better than RRT. Giant floating badly animated heads getting blown up by a Bird of Prey is better than RRT. Can you explain that? I mean an omnipotent being trapped in the center of the galaxy by the Q continuum can be easily killed by a photon torpedo. It doesn’t make sense. It shouldn’t be possible. It’s on a scale of believably like a redhead sushi waitress giving RRT any more time of day than it takes to get an absurdly high tip.

    (Also, we need more stories of RRT’s failed encounters of women so that I can make references to other things. I fear this might get played out)

    Maybe at some point in your life you can work your way up to be on the same level in life as Star Trek: Insurrection. Oh yeah, I went there.

    • @spcMIKE, Ya know, as much as I have poked the occasional verbal jab at RobieRob, I actually enjoyed his commentary this week. Despite his absurdly incorrect decision which he came to with almost no apparent foresight, he had some clever lines this week. “Fun Fact: I have NEVER seen Bourne hand-hammer anyone, not even one of his girlfriends.” That’s pretty damn good. My major complaint about little Robbie, is that his train of thought jumps the track like an Amtrak being driven by a drunk Billy Joel. He did well in staying focused this week and we were treated to far less Dennis Miller (look him up Canadians) like subjective rants. One of your stronger efforts Robbie. If your decision was also actually right, I think I would have shat out my frontal cortex in surprise.

  10. Well, this little firestorm makes up for the complete apathy that last week’s Smackdown created. I guess Hell hath no fury like a Trekkie scorned.

    Also. Bourne wins. Bourne wins twice. Bourne wins without breaking a sweat, takes the Enterprise as his personal war trophy, beats the shit out of Chekov because he’s Russian, returns to an alternate future where the results of the Treadstone project took over the world, where he then returns to earth, ruling as their God and King, and punks like Kirk serve drinks and die for everyone’s amusement like ancient Rome. He’s still never happy, though. Bourne is never happy.

  11. Re: THE OVERTURNED THE DECISION!

    I would just like to take some time to thank RobbieRobTown & Tbinns for finally growing a pair and taking the site back to it’s roots by shit canning Cubwhat’s_his_ nuts & Thegrumpy_school_kid. Thus invalidating all of there smackdown cock foolery fuckupedness.

    KIRK WINS! KIRK WINS! KIRK WINS! KIRK WINS!

    • @admin_rock,

      If it was “Matt Damon” vs. Jean Luc Picard, then oh fuck yeah “Matt Damon” would win but…

      Final word on this. Here is the ultimate point of logic on why Kirk wins over “Matt Damon”

      Kirk isn’t a “Bad guy”, Red Shirt, has a first and last name, and isn’t an ensign or security officer and thus by the rules CAN’T fail or die.

      so…

      KIRK WINS! KIRK WINS! KIRK WINS!

  12. kirk would of lost.
    he’s freaking 80 years old to begin with…..
    and even if you assume he is still the same middle age he was when that series was running, damon’s bourne was still younger and in better shape.
    and bourne, damon never managed to be cool before that movie, bourne is kick A$$ with or without a weapon of any sort.

    since it would most likely go hand to hand, bourne wins.

    if there were cheerleaders involved, kirks cheerleaders would kill of all bournes and them help kirk. still a chance of it going either way, but if kirk manages the victory we know what he and the cheerleades are doing next…..

    here is the match that NEEDS to happen.
    jet li’s “the one” vs sandlers “the zohan”.
    one is catching bullets with his nose and teeth, the other is swinging motorcycles. gotta be interesting……

  13. picard would of kicked kirk’s butt.
    and bourne would probably still win even with the two of them coming after him.
    outwitting better equipped and more of them, while shooting or beating the crap out of a few, is what bourne does……

    picard was always better at out planning from the get go, and would be ready for anything kirk would try to pull.
    and since picard is not unwilling to grab a rock and use it in a hand to hand match when the situtation calls for it, and he out plans his opponent too:
    just when kirk tried to cheat and grab that rock, he would find it impacting his skull instead.

    capt janeway would kick kirks butt too. and it would be dam SEXY to watch……

    and lets not forget possible sideline interference either……
    kirks ship is the lamest of them all.

  14. I read about a third of this argument then wanted to kill myself.
    Have any of you seen how Kirk dies in the movie where they killed him off at last. Lame. He dies a lame death.
    The fact of the matter is that luck is only going to take you so far.
    Bourne is faster, stronger, better trained and younger in every version but the newest Kirk.
    I cannot wrap my head around how Kirk could ever win this fight. Ever.

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