ACTION SMACKDOWN: Bourne vs Kirk!
This week: James T Kirk vs. Jason Bourne and his whole identity! It’s a match made in Space Hell, where malevolent gaseous beings push you, the reader, around for 2000 words, and that’s just the comments section!
Are you shitting me? This isn’t even a fight. Winner: Kirk, because he’s James T Kirk. The “T” stands for “Motherfucking”.
Fun Fact: James Kirk has his own spaceship, and he flies around and fights/fucks everything, sometimes both, at the same time.
Fun Fact: Jason Bourne flies around earth, on commercial airlines, and his girlfriends keep getting blown up.
Fun Fact: Kirk sometimes fights things that don’t even have physical bodies, and he fights lizard monsters, and makes his own diamond cannons.
Fun Fact: Bourne was programmed by an American government agency to deal with anything, except for a crippling debt crisis.
Fun Fact: Kirk knows the sweet move where you link your hands together and hammer a dude on the back, which knocks him out for some reason.
Fun Fact: I have NEVER seen Bourne hand-hammer anyone, not even one of his girlfriends.
I hope Jason Bourne got some rest during “The Bourne Vacation” or “Harry Potter and the Boredom of the Bourne”, because he is going to need it. The bell rings, and Jason Bourne is already at a loss because his writers needed him to be involved in some elaborate government plot that has been tracking him all over the planet for ages and ages, even though it took the US government 10 years to find Bin Laden. Bin Laden was in a “compound”.
Fun Fact: Don’t waste time looking for terrorists in homes, or apartments, or caves, they are usually in “Compounds”. Check the compounds first next time.
Anywhozle, Bourne is just narrowly escaping from some improbably complex, expensive plan to capture him. That leaves Kirk free to give an inspiring speech which appeals to the creators of this contest to convince them that violence is not the answer!
“Violence is… not our…way! We’ve learned …to.. suppress our… animal instincts! To…feel caring, even…love for…those different from us!” This means KIrk just opened the door to show any hot aliens who don’t know what love is what, uh, what love is. He will show them with his penis.
Bourne might be back on his feet, but Kirk would have already realized that there is no escaping this contest! Kirk probably tried to get past the force field, and walk through the weird, open-concept western town with the floating clock.
But what’s this?
Bourne: Hay Kahk! You lahk ahpples?
Kirk: There is…. something wrong with… the translator… I can’t… understand you!
Bourne: Ah Gaht the Green Chick’s nahmbah! How deh yeh lahk them Ahpples?
But then it’s over with one swift, awkward drop kick, and a weird two-handed back-hammer. Kapow! Bourne is out, Kirk gives another rousing speech about the constitution of the United States, and solves the debt problem. You’re welcome, America.
Winner: Are you drunk on Tranya? Kirk wins.
Loser: Will Hunting
James T. Kirk v. Jason Bourne
Kirk is Shatner. Let’s be clear about that. There will be no talk about Chris Pine in this.
I’m not a Star Trek guy. I liked the original series and remember watching it on CBC Saturday afternoons at 1 pm (my super power is that I remember the timeslot of every show I watched as a kid). But I don’t think I’ve seen all of TNG and almost none of DS9 or Voyager.
Bourne, on the other hand, is just out-and-out super awesome funtime cool.
To the arena:
Kirk has been here before. I’m pretty sure the episode was called The Arena. I guess that makes the “The Arena 2.” Or “Arena II: How can the same thing happen to the same Star Fleet captain twice?” Kirk’s shirt is ripped exactly along the seam on his shoulder. He doesn’t know how it got ripped, but what can you do?
Jason Bourne just wanted to be left alone. But here he is, and he knows what it will take to get back to … whatever he does between movies. Kayak? I always think of him as outdoorsy, but doing kinda quiet things. I’ll stick with kayaking.
On top of the pole are Kirk’s phaser and Bourne’s sniper rifle. That is where they will stay because these two are hand-to-hand experts. They start circling each other, sizing up their opponent. Kirk runs at Bourne and does a flying kick, knocking the assassin to the ground.
Bourne jumps to his feet and runs at Kirk, catching him in the stomach. Kirk uses his most deadly move, the double ax-handle to the top of the back. This fails to take down our memory-impaired competitor, mostly due to the top of the back is one of the hardest places on your body and not a nerve centre. In fact, it was probably the most useless move he could make against an opponent whose head is right there.
Jason steps back, his eyes go steely, then he moves in. And Jason hits and hits and hits. The audience has trouble seeing exactly what is happening because everything has gone all blurry and the arena cameras are zoomed in WAY too close to capture the action. Jason tears Kirk’s head off and spits down his throat.
Seriously, Kirk was ok, but Jason beat a guy near to death with a rolled-up magazine. And that bit where he took down an armed man with a hardcover book was friggin’ brilliant. This whole match was just a bit silly.
Winner: Jason Bourne, who didn’t even need his rolled up magazine which is totally the best weapon ever used in a fight scene.
Follow Keith on Twitter at CubReporterK and listen to his comic book podcast at www.wetalkcomics.podomatic.com
This week’s smackdown is going to be a tough one: for Star Trek fans. We have James Kirk, swaggering pussy hound of space, against a man who has been programmed, trained, and in every other way possible, trained to kill and not be killed.
First we have Kirk, who indeed has much experience in the arena of death. He’s fought his share of Gorns and Klingons, usually taking them out with rocks or found objects, and has always come out on top. He’s stared death in the face, cheated when he needed to, and even endured a seriously bad perm.
Next, we have Jason Bourne, or David Webb, or whatever we’re calling him this week. Bourne works, let’s go with that. Bourne is a man of constant sorrow, a loner, drifting through this world, trying to set right what once went wrong. He’s David Banner,Kwai Chang Caine, Sam Beckett all rolled in to one. He’s an expert with pretty much every modern weapon known to man.
So, on the surface, it seems like a pretty even fight. Kirk has the experience, Bourne the expertise. Kirk has a phaser, which might help him, if he can get to it. Bourne, well, who knows what weapon he has. It could be a copy of this month’s Elle. Or maybe a Satsuma orange. Doesn’t matter, whatever it is, it’s lethal in his hands.
So enough, let’s cut the bullshit. There is simply no way in hell that Kirk takes this fight. Bourne is an unstoppable killing machine. One guy tried really hard to kill him. He shot him a few times in the back and threw him in the ocean, which also wiped his memory. Not enough. Another time, someone blew his car off of a bridge, killed his girlfriend, and left him to drown. Didn’t happen. I’m willing to bet you could leave him in a room with a Queen Alien, and Bourne would walk out an hour later, smoking and eating eggs. You know all those Chuck Norris jokes you see on the net. They should be about Bourne.
Come on, he beat the shit out of a guy with a rolled up newspaper. Wait, you might have skimmed that too quickly, let me repeat: he beat the shit out of a guy with a rolled up newspaper. If you think a cocky starship captain with a sly grin and some weird ass karate chop is going to stop Bourne, well, you probably liked Voyager. No contest. The horn goes, Kirk runs for the weapons. Bourne slips beside him, and delivers about 14 kicks to the legs and face, putting Kirk out of his misery. As Kirk is reeling on the ground, trying to focus, gasping for breath, Bourne leans in and whispers “THIS is Ceti Alpha Five”, and pokes Kirk’s larynx out of the back of his throat.
Winner: Jason Bourne
Decision: Jason Bourne
So Jason Bourne moves on to the next round. Agree or disagree, but do so below. Share your love or hate.