This week, The Bride versus Jason Bourne in an episode we like to call: Bourne to be Mild!
Let’s get it on like a black lace thong!
Last time the Bride showed her face in our smackdown, much discussion was generated over whether or not she has super powers. I don’t think she does, and here is why:
If you think of the Kill Bill films as Kung-Fu movies, then you already know that many kung fu heroes have extraordinary powers. In fact, in the cheesiest B movies you will occasionally see martial-artists, of one variety or another, do backflips up 4 storey pagodas. So, does she have super powers in the strictest sense? No. She was never bitten by a radioactive lantern, and that is the final word on that. No, no, I said final word.
But, is kung fu kind of like magic? Or The Force? Does the Bride have an unfair advantage? This is where it comes down to suspension of disbelief.
Why is it so easy for us to imagine Jason Bourne is plausibly surviving being exploded out of every single chair he sits in, and yet it seems implausible that everyone’s favourite girlfriend in a coma (maybe not Morrissey’s, but she is made of meat, after all) could kick ass with a ninja sword? By what means does Jason Bourne avoid traffic accidents, given his impressively reckless driving style?
Is it the choreography of the violence which makes it seem less real? Aren’t we talking about movies? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE FOR BATMAN TO DO ANY OF THE THINGS HE DOES?
If we suspend our disbelief for one, I fear we must suspend our disbelief for all. That means that the Little Mermaid gets to be unaffected by water pressure changes and have musical crabs, and it means that Batman is not just awesome, but defensibly awesome.
Given that we know Batman will always win, except against bacon, who wins this fight between a lithe ninja and a meaty opponent?
My money is on the angry chick, because they always beat me.
Winner: The Bride
REAL winner: The Goddamn Batman.
Many years ago, while dragging ourselves through a dull day at work, discussion turned, as it often does, to gladiatorial combat in the animal kingdom…in this case grizzly bear versus male lion. Figuring it couldn’t hurt, we called the zoo to get their perspective on it. They were surprisingly game, apparently they get those questions all the time. They asked about terrain, who had home turf etc. The answer they gave stuck with me, and I believe it has a great deal of relevance here.
“It depends on who stumbles first.”
One could say that almost anyone can be a bad ass while swinging around a mega sharp Samurai sword, but it takes a special kind of bad ass to fuck somebody up with a rolled up magazine. I can’t think of a better way to tell someone “You are my bitch” than to literally treat them like a dog and smack them on the nose with a rolled up newspaper .
I am also thinking of the wit and wisdom of Andre the Giant in the Princess Bride. Andre had trouble with fighting the Man in Black because he was USED to fighting groups. Beatrix killed an entire gang of thugs, including the fetishtastic Go Go Yubari,
but she also got shot in the chest with rock salt an buried alive because…and this is important SHE UNDERESTIMATED SOMEONE.
Not a mistake one wants to make with Jason Bourne. I would say when it comes to hand to hand combat, they are fairly close. There is no way she’d nail him with the 5 point exploding heart whatsis, because there is no way she’d hit him 5 times in a row. Still, you can’t write off somebody who can pluck out your eye.
Weapons? Well, I think we can agree on a Hanzi and a hand gun. The Bride has come back from being shot before, but it takes her awhile, and the match would officially be declared over. But if she gets that sword first, he’s sushi.
If we postulate that they are evenly matched, and I think they are, then it MUST come down to who stumbles first. So how do we determine that? Simple. Get in a tardis and watch the match 10 times, and whoever wins the most gets to move on in the tournament and the timeline.
Okay, so no Tardis. I was hoping one would find me at this exact moment in time but no such luck. So if they are evenly matched, that means a 50/50 chance that one will stumble…ten coin flips. Heads Bourne goes down, tails, the honeymoon is over for the Bride.
Who stumbles first? Here we go…
1 heads (What is this Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead?)
With a score of six to four…the Bride is still standing and Jason Bourne is very urgently telling St. Peter at the Pearly Gates “I DON’T KNOW WHO I AM!!!”
Winner: The Bride. And probability.
I’ve made no bones about my dislke for Kill Bill as a film, so I won’t go over that ground once again. I will take a moment to express my fondness for Inglorious Basterds. There was some really nice filmmaking at work there. Sadly, I think Tarantino is surrounded by either a dozen yes men, or his own ego, something telling him to go for the easy or the funny rather than what’s best for his film. All the scenes without the Basterds were great, moving cinema. Most with them were dull as hell, and pointless. Oh, and they should have cut Hitler, or had him escape.
Anyhow, back to the matter at hand. The Bride is a living weapon of destruction, but so is Bourne. They have many skills in common, and of all the battles so far, this would be the one I’d want tickets to. Though it would probably move so fast you couldn’t keep up.
Both of the competitors are known for their tenacity, and for coming back from “death” to reappear and shake up the status quo. I’d give Bourne the edge gun-wise, the Bride the edge sword-wise. Neither of those will really matter, because this fight isn’t going to get to weapons stage.
The Horn goes and both of them rush the platform. They engage below the weapons platform, and The Bride gets in about 3 good hits, while Bourne is assessing her combat style. One he’s figured out her style, he reacts and begins blocking. The Bride is impressed by Bourne’s ability, and redoubles her effort. Problem is, she can only rely on the style or (for the sake of argument) styles she knows. And Bourne knows all of those. So we’re at an impasse, as she continues to try and break down Bourne’s defense, and he compensates and holds her off.
Then Bourne switches to some little known leg combat style he learned in the jungles of Myanmar, and surprises the Bride, sweeping her leg. Before she can revert to a defensive style, Bourne takes out the pressure points in her hip and renders the leg useless. After that, it’s just a matter of time until he gets a few more strikes in.
Decision: The Bride
So The Bride moves on to the Semi Final.
Next Week: Semi Final 1 – Indiana Jones vs The Man With No Name.
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